Poker trash talking

Ouch.  That has to feel below average…

I can’t afford to play cash games, so I jump on Full Tilt to play some online poker.  I’m always polite.  When I join a table I say, “What up homies?”  Or, “Word to your mothers.”  I think its a nice way to start off, right?

My game has been slipping a bit lately and that has me a little bummed.  My stash of just over 100,000 play chips has dwindled down to around 80,000.  This sucks major ass.  Maybe not “major” ass, but it does suck some ass.

I prefer to play in tournaments because I think that’s a great way to practice.  Everyone has a finite amount of chips and I can’t get beat by some guy (or lady) who keeps going back to their account to get more chips.  On the flip side, I can’t drain my account chasing, “that monster hand.” that we all know is never coming.

I play poker partially the same way I play hockey.  Does that sound confusing?  When I play hockey I talk a lot of shit.  I mean a lot.  I do my best to get under the opponents skin.

Once I do, they often make a mistake, we score and I make sure to make a sarcastic comment to the dude as he comes out of the penalty box.  One night a guy punched me in the mouth and knocked out a filling.  After I scored a big goal, I tried to high five him.  He was on the other team, so he punched me in the mouth. Back to poker.

Today I sat down at a virtual table with some dude/chick named youngtranny.  The avi was of an attractive woman in a bikini top with huge juggs popping out.  I mentioned to her, him, it that I was impressed with his big cans and that I couldn’t see the adams apple in the avi.  I never got a response.  What a shock.

Whether online or in person, I like to chirp a bit as I play.  Usually just random stuff until I figure out a way to get them off their game.  Face to face, I can look at the person and find a way to irritate them.  Online I can only go by a name or their avi.  I’m not blatantly nasty, but I do have fun with it.  For example…

The other night I was playing in a tournament and they transferred a guy to our table with a cowboy avi.  I thought I would do the neighborly thing and say hi, so I quickly shot off the following message:

What up Brokeback?  Welcome to the table pardner.

Yeah, I questioned his sexuality.  But I never judged him.  I did it in a nice way.  I was polite.  I welcomed him to the party.  I figure poker is a social event.  I’d rather laugh and have a good time playing, than sit at my Macbook talking to my dog.

I remember back several years.   I was playing in a live tournament and some guy kept asking if I had a boyfriend.  He also told me (repeatedly) how sexy my mouth looked and he asked me to stand up so he could look at my ass.  I respected his effort, but something was lacking.  I wouldn’t have taken that approach.

In case you were wondering…Yes.  I stood up and showed him my ass (through my jeans of course).

If I were him, I would have gone in a totally different direction.  Two days before the tournament,  I took a hockey puck in the mouth and it knocked out two teeth.  I was waiting for the swelling to go down so I could get crowns.   The teeth were near the front, thus the empty space was pretty prominent.

If I was that guy I would have looked across the table at me and said, “Dude.  Nice shirt.  Did you get it at Gap?”  You see how I went with that?  It was subtle, yet I think would be very effective.  If there was no reaction, I would wait a few minutes and come up with something else.

The digs don’t have to be premeditated.  Typically the best ones come off the top of my bald ass head.  I remember playing in person one time with a guy who was huge.  I mean really, really big.  There was a general conversation about fitness and some guy made a comment about lifting a lot of weight.  The big guy said he tried to life 50 pounds and he couldn’t do it.

I instantly looked up from my cards and blurted out, “I bet you could if it was a 50 pound box of cake”  That was some ninja shit right there.  I got in and out quickly.  One quick strike, then I’m back, deciding if I will play or fold.

I was lucky enough to cover the World Series of Poker the last few seasons it was at the Horseshoe and I had the chance to meet and interview some of the legendary names of poker.  When I was there, I met another writer named Ethan.

Ethan and I played in the media charity event and after we were both knocked out, we headed to the strip to get away from the tourney and play some cards.  Somehow we ended up at the Luxor and I’m not sure I’ve had a more fun night of poker than I did that night.  We laughed at each other and at our fellow players at the table and we each walked away with around $300, plus the boss comped us some steak and eggs at 1 AM when we got up from the table.

Yeah.  Talking shit is fun.  It’s an art form to be sure.  In the wrong hands, it can turn real ugly, real fast.  Used properly, however, it can make for a very good time.

I think my favorite moment playing poker was playing in that tournament I mentioned.  I was involved in a hand and I don’t remember exactly what I had, but it was damn good.  The guy who kept asking about my boyfriend was pretty obviously bluffing.  He went all in and had a bitchy little smirk on his face.

I was the only one to notice his bluff, and his face dropped when I called him.  He flipped over a lame mid pair or some other extremely mediocre hand.  I looked at him, smiled, flipped over my cards, reached for the chips and said, “Ouch.  That has to feel below average.”

P.S.  The pic at the top is two of my fav pro poker shit talkers, Mike “The Mouth” Matusow (L) and Phil “I’m a huge douche nozzle” Hellmuth (R).  I made up the nickname for Phil.  I would bet The Mouth talks better shit than I do.  I’m OK with that…

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