A great sex life is characterized by lots of things. As a sex therapist, I’m an expert on this – and relationships. Oftentimes good sex is the result of things like, an attentive sex partner, staying present in the moment, and knowing what turns you on. But a little known secret that will amplify your sex life greatly, is improving communication in your relationship.
It might not be the first thing you’d add to the list of what a great sex life entails – but it’s an important and effective way of improving your sex life – and here’s why.
Good communication skills are the basis for a healthy and happy relationship or marriage.
After years of living together, it’s easy to think you know your partner inside out – and perhaps, in some ways, you do.
But most of us develop and change throughout life (which is a good thing!), and that means there are likely new sides to your partner to explore, even if you’ve been with each other for ages.
“By improving communication in your relationship you’ll be ensuring both you and your partner feel heard and respected. ”
This leads to a greater understanding of each other’s wants and needs. And when understanding is increased – conflict is decreased
DECREASE In Conflict
Conflict is a part of every relationship. However – there’s a difference between arguing nicely and just plain fighting.
With a good set of communication skills, you can get your point across in a way that facilitates conversation instead of loud insults.
If you want a better sex life (who doesn’t, right?), improving communication will enable better conflicts – and in turn – less of them. And when you fight less you remember why you fell in love with each other.
REMEMBERING Why You Fell In Love
When you understand each other better and spend less time arguing – you might find yourself being reminded of why you chose each other in the first place.
Memories of how and when you fell in love can be powerful because they reinforce why you’re together.
“When the grass is always greener on the other side, it’s important (in monogamous relationships) to remind one another of why you want to keep on choosing each other day in and day out. Even when times are bad.”
When the lines of communication are open, your partner’s attractive qualities can become more prominent, and this can lead to more attraction in your relationship or marriage.
Attraction is fundamental to great sex. Without it, sex rarely happens.
Improving communication in your relationship can help you open up to your partner’s attractive qualities. When you connect in more positive ways and, perhaps, deeper ways, you become more drawn to one another.
Positive communication patterns leads to a happier relationship. And when you’re both happier, you’re nicer and more generous towards one another.
In effect, you’re reminding your partner of how attractive they are and – simultaneously – you’re being reminded of how attractive you are because of the positive response from your loved one.
This leads to increased intimacy.
Improving communication in your relationship is like a fast track to more intimacy. This is, in part, because communication sort of is your relationship.
Without communication, there’s not much of a basis for your bond.
A deeper knowledge of the other, less arguing, remembering why you fell for one another and experiencing more attraction, is a great foundation for intimacy. And with more intimacy – comes more vulnerability.
This is because true intimacy can prompt you to want to get even closer and delve into your own depths – becoming more vulnerable in the process.
With more intimate connection, it’s easier to be vulnerable with each other as you don’t have to be as nervous about being judged or challenged.
Vulnerability is often overlooked as an important part of a great sex life, and as a sex therapist, I get it.
All the tips in magazines and online publications on sex talk about new positions, exciting sex toys and different types of lube.
Rarely do they mention getting vulnerable as an effective way of improving your sex life.
“But vulnerability is crucial as it’s an important precursor to feeling like you want – and can – communicate sexual likes and dislikes. ”
COMMUNICATION Of Sexual Preferences
With more understanding, less arguing, remembering loved qualities, increased attraction and intimacy, and more vulnerability – comes greater ease with communicating sexual preferences.
When you let your partner know what your sexual likes and dislikes are, you’re increasing the chances of getting what you want during sex. And only when your partner knows what you want, can they make an effort to give you what you desire.
“Great sex can come naturally – especially at the beginning of relationships. But a sex life worth having is often one that’s also worth working for. ”
Even though improving communication in your relationship can lead you down a road to better sex – you need to use the new tools in your toolkit for it to happen.
A lot of clients I see as a clinical sexologist, struggle talking about sex. This can be true even when the sexual issue has been dealt with.
If you’re dreaming of a specific kind of touch or activity – tell your partner.
If you want more intimacy and romance – let your spouse know.
Communication is a much talked about subject, but no amount of knowledge in the world will help you get the sex life you want and deserve, unless you practice communication properly – and this comes with working on improving communication in your relationship.