In my 15 years of coaching men, I’ve taught hundreds of men how to stop fights with women dead in their tracks.
It all has to do with treating a woman like a woman …
Example: Ever think that your wife or partner is “crazy?”
“Emotionally over the top?”
“Someone who needs to be managed?”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re likely expecting your woman to act more like a man, emotionally, than a woman.
Brendon, a former client of mine, thought his wife was crazy.
He feared her unpredictability and her volatility.
“I never know what she’s going to hit me with when I get home,” he told me.
“I just stay out of her way. I don’t do or say anything that will set her off. It’s just better to go along with whatever she wants.”
Brendon, like a lot of my male coaching clients, thought his passive, good-guy strategy was a slick way to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
I didn’t work.
When a man ignores a woman because he judges her emotionality as unreasonable, it’s usually because he’s holding her to the emotional standards of a man and the effects are devastating.
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Not only did his strategy not work, it created a deep gulf between him and his wife that nearly broke them apart. His wife saw him as cold and uncaring and Brendon saw his wife, Holly, as some kind of hurt monster trying to cut his head off.
They fought daily with a fury. They stopped having sex.
When a man ignores a woman because he judges her emotionality as unreasonable, it’s usually because he’s holding her to the emotional standards of a man and the effects are devastating.
A big shift in the tension and fighting can happen when a man grants a woman the space to be more emotional than him – and when he decides to stop making her wrong for what she feels.
For example, imagine what it might be like to tell a woman that it’s ok for her to feel what she’s feeling. Imagine instead of thinking she’s “nuts,” you think, “the woman I love is feeling a lot today. She’s going through something intense. Let me see if I can help bring some calm and assurance. Let me see how I can support her.”
Brendon started shifting his mindset about his wife’s emotions. Instead of feeling superior and judging, he decided to bring the masculine gifts of his attention and his support. Instead of making what she felt all about him and whether what he was doing was right or wrong, he saw her feelings as about her – about her as a woman.
The change was immediate between them. In fact the first day, Holly was commenting on how differently he was listening. Within the first week she broke out in tears at how incredible it felt for her to have Brendon there for her and not running away.
The way we see our partners (in our mind’s eye) can have a huge effect on how they respond to us.
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All it really takes is for a man to start accepting a woman’s emotions as a sacred part of her femininity – and to see he’s not responsible for fixing what she feels. With this, even the negative emotions a woman experiences feel less threatening.
The biggest issue is being able to drop the judgments and how they cause a man to pull away and separate – and open to the idea that a man’s ability to be kind, steady and loving in emotional moments is a beautiful gift for the woman he loves.
I’m not suggesting a man should have to endure emotional beatings from a woman, or that it’s his job to soothe her, but that his willingness to show love and support by making her emotions ok, can literally nip arguments in the bud by helping her to feel accepted and far less tense.
The way we see our partners (in our mind’s eye) can have a huge effect on how they respond to us. Why not see a woman’s emotions as ok, as beautifully feminine, rather than something to fear or fix? And then see what emerges from her with you looking through this new lense.
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Photo: Getty Images
You want to see an example of female privilege? Watch this. He says, “I never know what she’s going to hit me with when I get home,” And what is the advice? “…show love and support by making her emotions ok, can literally nip arguments in the bud by helping her to feel accepted and far less tense.” A man expresses fear that his wife might attack him and you describe that fear as “…of feeling superior and judging…”. I am all for trying to get people to communicate better but this really comes off as you dismissing how he… Read more »
Danny I am not sure you and I read the same article 🙂 “unpredictability or volatility.” I admit Karen is a bit unclear about what is honest and healthy expressions of feelings and what is vomiting feeling , and what is examples of abuse or her expressing her feelings un regulated . I never saw my mother behave towards my father the way Karen gives examples of here. How other women behave in private it is impossible for me to know ….. As far as I know psychology see un regulated expression of feelings as indication of not being healthy… Read more »
Hey, not only do I get to experience 11 hours a day of turmoils of the corporate world and insanity of traffic jams. As an extra bonus I’m also supposed to be an emotional dumping ground on my time off when I’m supposed to be able to reload (I won’t use the world “relax” cause I realize that would be stretching it too far…) Sounds great! Where do I sign up?!? But seriously. What if it’s not about being superior and judgemental, but simply being able to take so much without anywhere to turn? What’s to fight about, if it’s… Read more »
It’s pretty common that it backfires as well. Authentic example, one out of many “Why didn’t you mowe the lawn tonight, as you said you would?” “Gosh, time flies doesn’t it? I didn’t realize I’ve been in the kitchen for 3 hours listening to you.” Once you start it’s downhill pretty fast… Look, I admit, I don’t know what you or any woman want. I have absolutely no clue. Not now and never had. But ask yourself, how would you handle a bitter, and (seemingly) resentful man? One where every single action of yours caused an ever deepening rift between… Read more »
Agree. The whole “you all just need to learn how to handle us better” advice would never work with the genders reversed.
In both cases, the best advice is “maybe think about finding someone who doesnt need to be ‘handled'”.
Joe Trader writes: In both cases, the best advice is “maybe think about finding someone who doesnt need to be ‘handled’”. >>> That’s the right answer to this question – and the gender-free answer as well. If a man isn’t ready and willing to share his own emotions, he’s not ready for a long term commitment, with or without a marriage contract. Similarly, if a woman is not ready and willing to manage her own emotions, she’s not ready for a long term commitment either. I don’t think GMP editors have figured this one out yet. That’s too bad, because… Read more »
Simply a gender privilege that the GMP editors are not willing to admit the existence of. Because in my opinion, doing so opens a huge can of worms. That will eventually undermine the entire structure of the ideology they attempt to promulgate. Much easier to stick to the party line….no matter how disingenuous that is.