At the beginning of most love relationships, hormones and brain chemicals flood the body and brain. Many of these hormones and brain chemicals make us act as if we are in a trance. We overlook flaws in each other as well as early warning signs of later relationship problems. Fueled by the feel-good, reward and motivational neurotransmitter dopamine, we feel ecstatic when around each other, we idealize each other, and we just can’t seem to get enough of each other.
But once the feel-good hormones and brain chemicals return to normal levels, and the feeling of being in a trance leaves way for life as usual, we suddenly notice each other’s flaws and the many relationship problems we need to work on. Even if you enjoy each other’s company, you are no longer dying to see each other, and you feel inclined to spend more time apart.
Your need for alone time increases — at least if you are securely attached and don’t tend to drift toward an anxious (clingy/dependent) attachment style.
When our hormones and brain chemicals return to normal levels, many of us mistake this shift in our feelings for a sudden absence of love. If we are used to the drug-high feeling of being in love and then we suddenly feel nothing but the occasional closeness and sexual attraction, we are bound to think that something is wrong with the relationship. Add to that our sudden perception of the behaviors and facial expressions we used to consider cute little quirks as incredibly bothersome traits and habits.
Initiating communication about desired adjustments of the little annoyances that make us unhappy in our relationship can feel like opening a can of worms, especially if the relationship is already on shaky grounds. As a result, we often do not discuss potential or actual relationship problems until it is too late, disregarding relationship advice.
Instead, we pray that the irritants will go away on their own, if only we carry on in silence. Eventually, the longing for the times when feelings were running high, and when being in each other’s company was smooth sailing becomes unbearable, and we break off the relationship and move onto the next new crazy love.
In a culture of consumerism, narcissism and beauty, and immediate-gratification centrism, most of us have forgotten how to have a lasting relationship.
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It is not surprising that most relationships suffer this fate. In a culture of consumerism, narcissism and beauty, and immediate-gratification centrism, most of us have forgotten how to have a lasting relationship and what it is like to appreciate the little things in life that deserve recognition and to express gratitude when appropriate. We prefer immediate gratification and satisfaction of our own needs to seeing a fellow human being smile in response to selfless or altruistic behavior on our part.
The main culprit here is that we in the West are becoming increasingly more selfish and superficial. We cling to our freedom to do as we wish, behaving as if the world would collapse if we had to do something that did not benefit us. We grow up being told by parents, teachers, and philosophers that one of the most valuable goods in our possession is our personal autonomy.
But we don’t understand that preserving our personal autonomy does not entail only doing what benefits us in the sense of bringing us immediate pleasure and gratification.
You are personally autonomous if (upon reflection) you are fully satisfied with what you choose to do (to the extent of never having to question your decisions). If you choose to sit by the bedside of your dying grandmother, reading her favorite book to her, and you are fully satisfied with this choice despite the gravity of the situation, then you are fully autonomous — and this is so even if you would experience greater short-term pleasure being out clubbing with your friends.
Reading to your dying grandmother may not make you smile and scream in delight, but as long as you can fully identify with your choice to engage in the activity, the activity helps reinforce your personal autonomy rather than subtracting from it, which is to say that you are the author of your own actions, you recognize yourself in your actions. You are not acting out of character or taking a moral holiday, and your actions can be attributed to you, meaning your mental states do not repudiate what you are doing.
Check out the video below for tips on how happy couples make their relationships work.
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Despite the value of humanitarianism, compassion, and kind-heartedness, when it comes to romantic relationships, giving without expecting anything in return is often considered a freedom-buster, a major threat to our personal autonomy and self-government. Because of the superficiality and ego-centrism of modern culture, we are often unable to find satisfaction in activities that are inconvenient to us or carry no immediate personal pleasure.
Healthy long-term relationships, however, are built on the ability to find fulfillment in and taking pleasure in making our romantic partner content. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you only think about satisfying your own short-term desires and preferences.
In committed long-term romantic relationships, you need to compromise. If, like most people, you are old-fashioned enough to become involved in this type of partnership with another person, you cannot continue all your old single-person habits: you cannot work all day and night, even if you are up for promotion or are looking for a new job. You cannot insist on continuing to meet up with your friends every Saturday morning for brunch or expect to continually frequent your favorite clubs and bars.
This raises the question: how much compromise is too much? Compromise can be accompanied by a loss of personal autonomy — that is, your ability to completely and fully identify with, and (upon reflection) be fully satisfied with the outcome of every decision you make.
“Blow me”
Thank you so much for sharing the article. In a relationship, it’s important to spend time as much as possible. The small communication gap creates a major problem in future, so it’s better to give time to your partner and build a healthy relationship. If you have any doubt, read this article: https://pslovecharli.com/2017/03/06/love-relationships-why-you-should-take-things-slow-during-the-honeymoon-period/