Me: “How long have you been struggling with ED in your marriage?”
Him: “At least 10 years…”
Me: “Who else have you talked to about it?”
Him: “Nobody else but you.”
We talked for another 30 minutes, but after we’d hung up these words lingered in my mind. I don’t know exactly why, I’ve heard many versions of the same story from man after man that I’ve spoken to. All of them isolated in their struggles around sexual performance.
The belief that men can figure it all out on our own is exactly the thing that KEEPS us, our partners, and our relationships from having the fulfilling sex life and relationship we actually want. And as any person who’s experienced sexual anxiety or sexual ‘dysfunction’ in their relationship can vouch for (no matter which side of the picture they’re on), these challenges can have impacts that spread FAR beyond the bedroom.
After talking to many, many men about their dreams and heartaches around sexual performance there are a few things I wish I could automatically download into each one of their brains so that they would truly get what is ACTUALLY going on with them. I’d like to share them with you:
1. Your Body is Trying to Tell You Something
Sexual performance challenges are NOT a sign that you’re broken (I REALLY dislike the use of the word ‘dysfunction’ for this reason), they’re your body guiding you toward more intimacy, fulfillment, and pleasure.
Oftentimes the biggest hurdle for men is simply slowing down and actually listening to their bodies. Unresolved emotions literally store themselves in our bodies, they can manifest as sexual performance challenges.
There are a multitude of ways that we keep ourselves from listening to and interpreting our body’s signals. This is often one of the very first skills I help the men I work with cultivate.
2. Your Sexual Performance Challenges Have Nothing to do With Your Sexual Performance – (More on this topic in this article)
More often than not they are the result of unresolved mental and emotional energy – not an actual physical problem. Religious/cultural/family backgrounds leave deep imprints of guilt and shame. Pornography robs men of their ability to create real life intimacy. Past relationships can leave men emotionally traumatized. The list of possible reasons go on.
If you’re simply reacting to a “problem” (sexual performance) you’ll get limited results.
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If you’re simply reacting to a “problem” (sexual performance) you’ll get limited results.
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When I work with men around sexual performance we dig beneath the symptomatic sexual performance aspect and resolve the core physiological and emotional causes.
3. Examine Your Beliefs
Men I talk to say that they want to perform better, but WHY?
With a man I spoke to just yesterday, when we spent a few moments exploring, we quickly realized that sexual performance was just the surface layer. What was really going on underneath was he was afraid of failing to satisfy his partner and losing the relationship.
Which means that every time he steps into the bedroom he’s silently carrying the burden of keeping his relationship together. Which is the opposite of the relaxed, present, open state of mind and body that his partner is actually desiring from him.
WHY do you want to improve your performance? Are you using or wanting sex simply to get validation (of your being good enough, your masculinity, etc.)? Are you afraid of failing? Are you secretly shouldering the burden of your relationship?
When I work with men around sexual performance we inevitably uncover many limiting beliefs. It’s important to realize though, that even though these beliefs might not be in service to the confident, natural sex life you crave, they are also valid and need to be treated gently… not eliminated or ‘gotten rid of’. Shame and self flagellation never serve to create the intended effect, they actually keep us stuck in the patterns we so desperately wish to be rid of.
Are you harder on yourself than you would be a good friend? If so, you’re only pushing what you want farther away.
It’s important to become aware of our limiting beliefs, and transformative shifts happen when we consciously and care-fully shift them into more empowering ones.
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So now that we’ve cultivated this awareness what are the concrete, actionable steps to get what we want in our sex lives and relationships?
When my business partner Natalie and I work with men to help them excel in their relationships and sexual performance we draw from many tools in our bags. Of them all there’s one though that’s foundational to all the rest. Possibly the MOST important first step is to create a support network.
High performers know that they are exponentially more effective in achieving their goals when they surround themselves with a winning team. Men who try to go it alone keep themselves AND their partners in suffering.
Natalie and I might be that team for some men.
We might also direct them toward a blog post or podcast or book. Even reading an article like this one can help men feel less alone and more resourced.
We help them get involved in men’s groups where they can get powerful peer support on a regular basis.
We may also refer them to other practitioners that will be a better fit to help them achieve their goals.
Simply put though – our goal is to de-isolate them. To help them create an environment that will be powerfully SUPPORTIVE of their healing and improvement as men.
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Because if there’s one thing we’ve discovered after talking to man after man after man with sexual performance challenges it’s that none of them are alone. Far from it.
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Because if there’s one thing we’ve discovered after talking to man after man after man with sexual performance challenges it’s that none of them are alone. Far from it. Statistics show that, depending on age range, up to 50% of men suffer from ED alone. There are strong support networks, capable practitioners, and other men who can help us achieve the confidence and intimacy we desire.
The result when we take action on all of this?
It’s exactly what we were looking for in the first place: More confidence. Better sex. More intimacy. Results.
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Bob Schwenkler and Natalie Vartanian are the creators of Sexually Confident Man. If you’re a man who knows that you’re capable of more confidence, intimacy, and pleasure in your sex life and relationship go to www.sexuallyconfidentman.com.
