Today I am willing to share what I wasn’t ready to until now. My father was an addict. We would write each other letters when he was in jail but then he would disappear as soon as he got out. He may have been back to his freedom but was still living inside the prison of his drug addiction.
It broke my little heart when I never heard from him again and I felt as if he didn’t really care. By my teenage years, I had bottled up a lot of rage towards him. This man who’s done nothing for me, but betrayed me and didn’t deserve to be called my father. During those years, I felt angry and full of resentment. Later in life, it turned into more hurt and believing that you can’t trust men.
My father passed away when I was 26. I was far away and felt a sense of relief. His life was full of suffering and maybe he is better off on the other side, I thought.
My relationships felt complicated. I either attracted men that didn’t value me or my time, or men that I could easily turn into “bad.” I would get a sense of weird satisfaction if I could prove a guy wasn’t good enough. I continued looking for that ‘bad’ so it would confirm the pain I was still holding on to. The pain of never opening my heart because I couldn’t let anyone in. And at the time, it felt easier to put in another nail into the fence that I built around my heart than to open to the possibilities that were beyond what I knew inside.
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It was a gloomy day in the fall in New York City. As I was getting out of the noisy crowds of the train station and passing by a book stand, one book caught my attention. The title read something along the lines of “what it’s like to be a heroin addict.” I hesitated but then reached for it. And as soon as I opened it and started to follow the lines it all became blurry. I could no longer see as my eyes filled with tears and my heart with sadness mixed with this wonder for who my father was aside from his addiction.
Suddenly, I wished we could talk. I wished I could hear him share what it was like to be him and be able to be present to that. I wished we could have had at least one grown-up conversation because as a teenager I couldn’t see past my judgement, hurt and embarrassment.
It’s been a few years since he died. I realized that not only I wanted to forgive him but also, I had to forgive that younger me because she’s done the best she could have with what she knew. I had to give up carrying this weight and this energy that’s has been taking up my space. Most importantly, so I could allow myself to trust men.
Because I was never able until then. Not inside. Not fully. Not whole heartedly. And it wasn’t an easy place to be: living inside the fence that separated me from my true desires and dreams for intimacy and connection. And it was time for me to put that hammer down and quit trying to put another nail into this fence around my heart. I knew there are plenty of good men out there, and my world started to fill with color because I was done keeping it black and white.
You also have that power inside you to paint your own future and let go of what doesn’t serve you without making it a struggle.
Do you see love in other people’s lives but doubt you can have it your own? Do you find yourself feeling unhappy or unlucky in love? Have you been telling yourself to pull it together or have you become good at beating yourself up and getting the opposite of what you want? Are you ready to reset and let go of the old ways?
It’s time to honor your soul’s beauty. Here are a couple of thoughts I wanted to share with you.
1. Practice saying no.
I don’t even know you but if this article’s title grabbed your attention, I’ll make that wild assumption that you might have a hard time telling people no. Give people a chance before you say no, and live with courage. But remember to say enough no’s so you keep that room for someone special. Learn to trust yourself. Practice listening within and paying attention. Remember the word ‘no’ is a small word that is a reminder of how much control you have over your destiny. It is your ability to communicate it effectively that reflects that you are in the driver’s seat of your life.
Are you ready to go beyond the practice of saying no. Start simple. Start believing differently. Ever feel convinced that “You always end up attracting the emotionally unavailable guy” or something similar? Replace that with “I no longer date men with commitment issues.” See how your world changes. And stay curious. This will help you keep your vibe high and the rest will be history.
2. Put in the work in but let go of the struggle.
Ask yourself, how do you want to show up in your relationships? What kind of woman do you want to be when you are with a man? Look her in the eyes, what do you see about you today that you need so you can make this change inside and have it ripple into the real world and your relationships? Give yourself that love, that hug, that moment of vulnerability to sink into your own arms. Change doesn’t have to be hard. And the process can be empowering, gentle and natural. Because nothing on earth can cut you off from love, and the guarantee is within you.
Cheers to what you really want,
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
What non-sense. The author is having trouble finding love because the men she “attracted” either did not value her, or she managed to find fault with the ones who did. This was of course all her father’s fault somehow. Rubbish. Countless women have been saying the same for decades now. I understand the issue well, having lived it myself from the other side of the isle – there are two types of men in you’re world. The wonderful men whom you want but who don’t value you, and the men who you eventually reject because of all their faults (which… Read more »