Unable to escape the claws of that particularly heavy brand of depression, I did what I knew would help: I switched gears from the mental to the physical. Getting on the treadmill and running has helped chase many a demon away in my life, and now I was desperately in need of a shift. With two miles down, and three still to go, I turned the TV on that was mounted in front of me. Mindlessly watching the shows and the commercials, I was grateful for the distraction until, what’s this?
I watched hot fudge being poured in slow-motion over mounds of ice cream as a female voice-over chirps,
“Come into Friendly’s this weekend for our free Happy Endings Sundae!”
What? Wait a minute…what did she just say?
Friendly’s? The family-friendly ice cream parlor chain, evocative of Norman-Rockwell-esque family get-togethers, everyone leaning into a table mirthfully sharing a gigantic banana split? That Friendly’s?
Is Friendly’s daft?
Or are they messin’ with us?
Can double entendres be slathered into a hot fudge sundae commercial?
Should I give them the benefit of the doubt?
Nah, if my sicko relative is right, you’d have to be living under a rock to not know these things nowadays. And I can’t imagine the big ad-exec that has the Friendly’s account, not knowing.
Well, that just pisses me off. Big-time! Who do they think they are, anyway, shoving their barely-camouflaged “jokes” down unsuspecting families’ throats? What kind of twisted despots are they anyway? They think they’re going to get away with trying to conceal sexual euphemisms under melted chocolate sauce? Who do they take us for?
Who do they think they are, anyway, shoving their barely-camouflaged “jokes” down unsuspecting families’ throats?
|
Whipping on my imaginary Crusader cape, I hop off the treadmill and run out of the gym, and I keep on running till I get back to my apartment where I’ll turn on my computer and Google Friendly’s Ice Cream.
I need to find some really good reason they’re co-opting this term from the sex-for-sale trade, for an ice cream. “Happy endings” is a term mainstreamed from the dubious world of massage parlors that cannot quite advertise their real business: providing sex. A happy ending is a couple of oiled strokes to the body followed by the customers’ choice of attaining an orgasm, with the price varying with the amount of effort required by the, um, masseuse.
Call me humorless; call me shrill. Call me a hopeless pedant. I don’t care. But all this raunch culture seepage into our everyday language is surely a step towards madness.
♦◊♦
On the way home, endorphins pumping from my run, I compose a missive in my head to Friendly’s telling them just what I think: that since they couldn’t possibly be that daft, that they must be messing with us, and that I will therefore never eat at Friendly’s again. That should get their attention. That I’d never eat there anyway due to their Muzak and bad lighting seems rather beside the point right now.
Finally I arrive home and I’m online now….Googling….Googling...There!
Third listing down, tucked in between something about desserts and saving money, in bold print and there it is: The Happy Endings Sundae!
I open up the link and see it’s not the main Friendly’s flagship homesite, it’s a website featuring the awesomely wonderful free sundae with the offensive name. The link is to a woman’s, named Julia Scott, website and pictured on her homepage is her latest bargain find:
A brand new Friendly’s all lit up and welcoming, with a perfectly PhotoShopped azure sky behind it. Facing this bucolic image from the side bar, is a chipper looking, widely smiling woman with large, suburbanized hair. Julia?
In cursive, girly-girl lettering like in Barbie ads, right across her photo, it says: Bargain Babe!
It does. I swear it. Google it yourself if you don’t believe me.
Oh my God, suddenly I cannot stop laughing.
The homemaker remade, as Bargain Babe! The hotness factor has officially rolled through suburbia, leaving no housewife unadorned and un-hot! Wow. Everyone’s jumpin’ on that bandwagon.
Julia, aka Bargain Babe, is heralding the latest bargain she’s dug up and shares it with us by writing:
“Get a free sundae when you buy any chicken strips entree. Choose from Friendly’s Signature, Honey BBQ, or Kickin’ Buffalo Chicken Strips. Each entree comes with coleslaw and a dipping sauce. The free sundae is called Happy Endings, which comes with two scoops of ice cream and one topping. I’ll take mint and chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup, please!”
Wow! You go right ahead and do that, Bargain Babe. I’m imagining Julia or Bargain Babe or whoever she really is, dragging hubby and the kids to Friendly’s to show off her expertise in sniffing out the free ice cream deals. When the waitress arrives to take her order, Bargain Babe, ever buoyant, will chirp, “I’ll take the Kickin’ Buffalo Chicken Strips with a Happy Ending, please!”
Will there be a straight face on any male in the establishment when that invariably happens? Will hubby be snickering subversively behind his menu?
Erase, erase, erase, I tell myself. I try to expunge this weirdness from my mind, to remember that there are still people who do not know about such things. People who have never been exposed to porn and have happy, sane lives.
What does my creepy relative know, anyway? He thinks about having sex with his relative, for God’s sake. With me! Ewwww.
Clearly, he needs help.
Wait! I’ve got it! Maybe the solution is to move to the country. People like the Amish have done that, and they seem pretty happy and none too disadvantaged. Even when deranged gunmen open fire in their schoolrooms, they live by their principles and do not resort to baser impulses.
Yeah, I could get a nice little wood cabin in the woods like they do, cut off the Internet and the TV and purge the incessant media images and concepts that perpetuate the message of: Bigger, Better, Faster, Hotter and More Sex, Sex, SEX all the friggin’ time!! And don’t forget to look HOT while doing it. Recent pregnancy is no excuse!
Yes. That is what I will do, move to the country and then allow my brain to rewire itself so that I’ll begin to take my sustenance from the birdsong and the wind in the trees. I will quit my gym membership and I will wear only comfortable clothes. My life will simplify. That can only be good.
Right.
The feasibility of that solution providing gratifying results is about equal to my chances of winning the lottery and buying one of those 20 million dollar penthouses. And then to keep up with all my friends from the Fabulosity Club, I’d still have to read those glossy magazines… with the ads for MILF gyms in them.
My fantasy fades into the stark reality that mere escapism will not be enough to buffer me from coarse, porn-derived terms being bandied about in my everyday life. No, I am a Manhattanite, this is where my work is, my roots are here, this is where I belong. I will not be driven away by crudeness.
No, I am a Manhattanite, this is where my work is, my roots are here, this is where I belong. I will not be driven away by crudeness.
|
♦◊♦
So, although I am a witness to both advertising’s and popular culture’s glib use of terms and concepts from porn and raunch culture, I need to remember that porn is an imitation of life (at its very best). And I commit to living a real, fully-dimensional life in defiance of the inanity of what I see around me. There is no acronym or euphemism for that, but maybe it will catch on. I can only hope.
In the meantime, maybe right outside the door of the incredible penthouse apartment I’ll move into, there’ll be a nice, big rock in Central Park I can occasionally hide under.
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—Photo hashmil/Flickr
sex is over rated but its fun
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“Happy Endings” is a term I just learned from reading this article. Who would’ve known?
This author should have taken a few minutes to peruse google to find the actual origin of MILF, which she of course immediately thinks is from porn. The first usage of this word in any mainstream media was in the film American Pie which was a teenage raunch-comedy that came out nearly a decade ago. The proliferation of the word after this movie only served to allow the porn community to rebrand a genre of porn (younger men with older women). Not everything is porn based, sometimes it’s just a dirty joke that’s been co-opted. When I see the acronym… Read more »
The term doesn’t come from porn. It wasn’t even popularized by porn. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MILF_%28slang%29
I was going to say that I first heard MILF as a reference to Stifler’s Mom in the movie American Pie. Porn just reflects society, not transforms it. I wonder if there is as much problem to the word “Cougar” in the same context. In the vulgar sense they are synonyms (and porn uses them interchangeably). Yet it appears on mainstream TV.
Intersting topic. I don’t see this as man-hating. Disliking porn is not the same as disliking men. Pornography and sex are not one and the same. People can be pro-sex and anti-porn. Heck, people can even be pro-porn and not think it belongs in the mass media (the stuff our children are exposed to).
I was also wondering why you would continue meeting with this person. Especially, if you can not set clear boundaries with him about what you are comfortable talking about.
We are helping each other by rubbing up against one another….pushing each other’s buttons big-time. He allows me a look at any places in me I might be compulsive, and I hope his takeaway (from time with me) is a look at his own inner yearning for intimacy, which he’s expressed finally being able to recognize.. That said, I am going to be setting a few boundaries….starting with, “You can share whatever you like about your own life and experiences but leave any direct references to me, out of it”.
Thanks, Tatyana
Thanks for clearly articulating a very disturbing problem. Though I agree with some of the other commenters that sexuality for both men and women is important through-out our lives, that doesn’t mean that the crass, objectifying, and sexualizing of non-sexual things should be accepted. I remember a few years ago when my sister told me that her then boyfriend told her that she was going to be a MILF. She, like you, did not know what the term meant. Even though I am wont to believe that he was trying to say that she will continue to be attractive as… Read more »
If a raunchy acronym upsets you to the point where you feel it’s “warping our mindsets,” one can only ask two things. First, how do you get out of bed in the morning? Second, what would you make of a writer like Henry Miller?
S. Gallo- to have written this to Travis just underscores the lack of empathy evident in many comments posted on so many sex and porn-related articles on GMP. Why would Travis, using examples of his own wife and sister, have trouble getting up in the morning? I think he probably gets up with his head held high. A mature man with a conscience can do that. As JFK Jr. rightly said, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”. If some people want to spend their lives in a non-stop rave, girls-gone-wild type of Peter Pan… Read more »
I’m sorry but I can’t believe you followed the phrase “a mature man with a conscience” by a quote from JFK Jr. in response to article about porn! LOL LOL
Yeah, he was part of the solution as soon as he finished banging the two girls in the swimming pool. Not that he wasn’t a good president, but that was pretty ironic. 🙂
Agreed Jeni. I’m unaware of that one in the pool but I do know that we have many parts of ourselves, some wise, some not. We can’t always toss out one for the other or we’d be running pretty low on heros. For instance, Mahatma Ghandhi is notably one of the heros of the last century yet he was known to have beaten his wife on occasion. I can’t prove this but it is what I’ve read. If true then it was likely acceptable domestic rules of that culture. That wouldn’t fly at all today, in the USA anyway. JFK,… Read more »
JFK Jr. wasn’t president. His father was. He was the one that banged two women in a swimming pool.
You’re right! My bad! 🙂
Michael, my riposte had nothing to do with tarnishing Travis because he adheres to sexual continence as an ethic. He would have been doing fine if he’d just stuck to being offended by what I admitted from the outset was a crude acronym, directed at his sister. Instead, good little Puritan that he apparently is, he put forth the inanity that this trope of garden-variety demotic crudeness is “warping our mindsets.” That crosses a line for some of us, in ways that his inability to utter the word “fuck” doesn’t. As for your opening contention: why do I get the… Read more »
S. Gallo, my main course of thought is targeted for the future generations of mankind. I look at how the raunch generation(s) may be able to lead humanity as leaders, parents and role models into the future. As a father I feel this concern with every cell of my body and as a native American I am concerned with how all of our actions may affect our World. And what I believe to be a keynote of empathy is the way we afford others common courtesy, regardless of their stance (in communications and not in French fencing terms) but more… Read more »
We’re not going to slide off any ethical precipice because a few people casually use expressions like ‘MILF.’ We’ve had more than one generation of youth for whom “mother” is half a word, if you get my drift. Crime is down, despite the dearth of “role models” that supposedly plague these kids, and the seeming—repeat, seeming—aggregate rise in crudity. It’s even down in this, the worst economic climate in the US since the Great Depression. That certainly isn’t the entire explanation, but it’s enough to cause the prudent to take the word of Travis and Lili Bee as something approaching… Read more »
Cosign. And I’m extremely suspicious of attitudes and comments that imply that sexuality is the opposite of dignity or leadership. Lying at the bottom of this, I think, is the sex is taboo/dirty business. It’s amazing how many of the comments here seem to be rooted in ultimate sex=bad assumptions. With Alex Comfort, I think this is fairly wrong. Sex can and does complicate and problematize relationships. There’s much spiritual energy there and this shouldn’t be made light of. For a great treatment, see Marcuse’s Eros and Civilization. It (and the science fiction novel The Day after Tomorrow) predicted a… Read more »
sex is over rated but its fun nice stuff throw ps im a bad spiller.
I thought GMP articles weren’t a place for “man-haters”, but it looks like I was wrong (Lili, you really sound like one). And, BTW, if you despise so much that person, why meeting him? Just because you then can talk bad about men? 😮 — — — To all the men: please, stop being ashamed because you like sex or porn, or you would like having sex a lot. That’s totally natural, that’s the way we are “built”, and it’s ok feeling that way. Feelings are never “wrong” (OTOH, behaviour can be). Obviously there can be abuse or addiction (and… Read more »
This writer makes a very big mistake. Too many women think that having a child ends their sexual life. Mom is not supposed to be sexy and a practicing sexual being. Heretofore that was the cultural message to get men to work harder enslaved in the frustration of a sexless or nearly sexless marriage.
I had an insight today. As wrong as porn is in terms of its insensitivity, its occasional degradation, and its usual misunderstanding of sexual physiology, we probably like it some of the time because it summons something which is true about good sex– it’s dyonesian. Its excesses, its anti-sociality get us past “reasonable” sex and into realms of real sensuality. To me, good sex has an element of uncontaindness, even if it occurs within the context of a monogamous relationship. I’m not very fetishistic in the traditional sense, but I like sex that breaks social rules, even if I don’t… Read more »
To put it another way, Henry: We live in an age wherein companionate monogamy is the ideal. Even serial relationships expected to be outwardly monogamous. We don’t exactly denigrate polyamory, but it’s clear we’re not about to teach kids that such is “where it’s at.” And the former ethic of coupling for social reproduction first is seen, in the Western world, as quaintly anachronistic. Oddly, though, we’ve joined companionate monogamy to the idea that lasting love is achieved only through work. Previously, efforts to attain and manitain what the Romans called ‘concordia’ centered on remembering given precepts. Now, couples, often… Read more »
I liked your use of Nietzsche on another thread, S. It’s possible that, paralleling Geneology of Morals, women have self repressed in order to repress men. Many women operate with what seems like a sexual governor (such as found on fleet-purchased gasoline engines) even when they are having sex that’s orgasmic. One woman told me on another board (when I suggested the sensual effects of cannibis [which I don’t currently use]) that she didn’t want to lose her personhood. Men probably do this too. We live in such a productionistic and bureaucratically defined society. I see much of feminism and… Read more »
While I agree with much of what you say, I do get nervous when people talk about “erotica” vs”pornography”. So often the difference is defined as “If it turns women on, it erotica; if it turns men on, it’s pornography” (I wish I could attribute the quote, but I’ve forgotten the author). Pornography is a element of fantasy. Fantasy is very often the mental expression of things that we KNOW are bad ideas in real life. I think people also need to be realistic about the mismatch of libidos between men and women. I know it’s politically correct to insist… Read more »
1. There is nothing wrong with sex.
2. Therefor, your fear of its becoming involved with aspects of your life outside our bedroom is invalid.
3.
Wow! This article is SOOO incendiary. It just makes me broiling mad! Porn with it’s images, innuendos and slithering euphemisms, has become so virulent in our everyday lives we barely even notice it. Just as women took off their bras in the 60’s and 70’s to proclaim their sexual freedom and emancipation, I want to put mine back on to reclaim my sexual dignity and be appreciated for my good deeds, my heart and my intelligence.
Everybody is free to use the language they want. Yet if I was a woman and somebody called me a MILF, I would probably head butt him (meaning hit his nose with my head in an attempt to break it and cause pain and confusion). Then I’ll probably go and get some ice, say sorry for the pain and explain that sometimes we need to make bad things for the greater good and one day he will understand. Unless he is really big and not a friend/relative. In that case I would probably calmly get my heels off, hit it… Read more »
I think the problem here is that people are confusing the lack of tact in conversation with the “raunchy culture” – just compare the state of sexuality in the United States with Europe, and the American forced ideal that “sex is for marriage! And for straight people!” and then they wonder why we have so many pregnant moms (and the glamorization with the variety of shows showcasing teen-moms). If you don’t want people talking to you a certain way – then politely remind them as such. But just because something *you* associate with sex becomes a product name, it doesn’t… Read more »
This article reminds me of a Philip K. Dick short story.
It is unclear to me what “raunch culture” is. Really. I find definitions can be pretty subjective when it comes to topics like these. My daughter is 9 years old. So far, she seems pretty normal overall. She dresses like a little girl. Nothing even remotely inappropriate about her clothing. I am a sex-positive parent. I don’t really have a problem with hooking-up or no-strings sex. There’s nothing wrong with it as long as both parties understand and negotiate the boundaries of the relationship. It really does have its place within the spectrum of human sexuality. My goal with her… Read more »
Oh, and this does NOT mean that my kids are exposed to my sex life. My casual relationships/encounters take place when they are with their father. They only meet long-term lovers/boyfriends who are going to be part of my life for awhile.
I am honest with my children about my sex life but I don’t bring them into it.
Thank you. Great post.
Jeni: Your comments are a welcome oasis of reason and common sense on these pages. Thank you.
Thank you. I haven’t done as good of a job in explaining my position in the past. I hope I am improving.
Thank you all for the varied and thought-provoking comments…. and big thanks to The Good Men Project for fostering this discourse, because I truly think men (and women) are capable of a new paradigm for relating to each other, even hungry for it. This magazine seems to open up a channel of expression, contentious though it can get about the ever-changing ground of “What is it to be a male today? What is it to be a female? How do we relate to each other in the most conscious ways we can? And beyond our insistence on our own pleasure… Read more »
“Think of the children!!!” Since you value an honest dialogue I have to say I’m completely tired of this tired argument. I’m a parent. My son is 3. So first of all I’m curious why you’re only concerned with our daughters. Second, you talk about porn affecting how people dress but this has been issue going back generations. My parents tell me how mini-skirts were viewed as “pornographic” and explicit back in the 50s and 60s. That’s when Playboy magazines served as today’s free porn outlets. I’m sure cavemen were drawing pictures of naked women on walls. My point is,… Read more »
You’re so tight its not even funny. Sounds like you were raised in medieval monastery. Go get some life lol
I totally and utterly agree with you. I hate the term…I dislike pretty much all porn terms, and yes they are being forced and used in everyday language. I resent it and I think it’s harmful. And before anyone makes the judgment that I’m prude, I’m not. I used a lot of porn in the past….it was a sickness. I’ve been in relationships with porn addicts and I know exactly what it does to relationships and to your mind. It’s insidious. I’m sick of porn culture and how it is forced as accepted and “cool”. IT’S NOT EITHER.
sara: You were with porn ADDICTS! That’s the key. That doesn’t mean all porn is insidious and evil. It means the people you were with had a problem and they shouldn’t have been watching it. It’s the same as when people use drugs and alcohol to excess. But as I’m sure you know, there are those among us who very much enjoy having a few drinks every now and then. Just because some people get addicted to something doesn’t mean we should eliminate it.
DaddyFiles..what is your personal definition of “now and then”. Because in my own personal experiences I’ve heard a lot of people use that phrase and it could mean anything from 1 a month, 2 times a month, 4 times a week to everyday. Whenever this discussion comes up we refuse to acknowlege how invasive porn has become in our culture. And we refuse to see how sexuality has changed because of it. And I don’t htink it’s for hte better because I don’t think relationships are any better today then they were 50 years ago. Do you? I don’t want… Read more »
Erin, it is a legitimate request that the man you’re in a relationship with actually be in a relationship with you. That’s not a problem at all. While I am not going to deny that a certain amount exploitation does occur within the porn/sex industry as a whole, I think we need to be careful about generalizing here. When you say, “I want men that don’t like seeing women called sl*ts and wh*res while a man uses her , tosses her to the side, for hte next new pornstarlet” I get nervous. Some of these women are in the porn… Read more »
Jeni, I am confused by your connection to my comment you qouted and a woman’s choice to be in porn. I don’t see what the two have to do with each other. Yes most women in the sex industry on there because they made the choice to be there. However, that doesn’t do anything to address why men making their own choices in watching porn that. A woman’s choice to be in porn has no baring in reasoning why many men choose to enjoy porn. I would say a high chunk of of the general male population watches porn. A… Read more »
The connection is that you seem to think that women who star in porn are somehow victims and that men who enjoy porn want to turn women into victims. Men watch porn because it turns them on. Period. Guess what? A big chunk of the general male population does not make porn or aim to be a porn star either. Yes, there are wounded people in the porn industry. There are wounded people everywhere though. I would say that the music industry, the fashion industry, and the mainstream film industry have a lot in common with the porn industry. Young… Read more »
Jeni, some of the women that star in porn are infact victims. There is a high incident rate and connection between women that have been victimized and become workers in the sex trade. It’s not exactly a big secret. There are also other reasons why women do porn, which I clearly stated above and don’t find necessary to repeat because I’m sure you caught it the first time around. . But despite that, that wasn’t even my main point to the discussion. It was a side discussion brought in through your first post to me. You said: “Men watch porn… Read more »
Ahhhh! I’ve been waiting for this one to come out: “And if it calls women names or shows women performing acts that aren’t actually all that pleasurable for women, well gosh-darn who cares!” This is where the insecurities are. Tell me, which acts are the ones performed by these women that are NOT actually pleasurable. What are you afraid of – anal sex, facials, spanking, being degraded? Here’s some news for you: there are women who like that. There are women who rejoice in that. There are women who yearn for that. Okay, next: you seem to think that porn… Read more »
Erin: What do I consider “now and then” when it comes to porn viewing? For me it’s a half dozen times a month. So right in that area is what I consider now and then. And I advocate for sex in marriage too, first and foremost. I’ve never said differently. I don’t think porn should take the place of real human connections. Show me where I ever said that. The problem is you hear “porn” and you automatically assume all guys are watching it, becoming obsessed with it and having it take over their lives. Not the case at all.… Read more »
DaddyFiles, thank you for defining in your own terms what you consider “now and then”. When I hear someone say “now and then”, to me, it’s maybe half a dozen times in a year. We all have different ideas on what “now and then” means. I’ve often heard men use the phrase “now and then” when they describe their porn use. But when we dig deeper we find that that term can apply to once a day, a couple times a week, a couple times a month or a couple times a year. I am going to ask you a… Read more »
I disagree, a lot of men do expect their wives/girlfriends to act like porn stars. I’ve been sexually active since my early 20’s, back in the 1980’s, and although I haven’t had sex with scores of men, I’ve had enough to tell you that sex has changed. It has. Too many men who have watched tons of porn act like they are putting on a performance. I can tell when a guy is really into porn. He focuses on specific “moves” and much less on talking, connecting and exploring on a personal level. Obviously that’s a generalization but it’s based… Read more »
Jill, that’s the impression I get from listening to my students, too. Wow. I think that there’s something to be said for acquiring one’s sexuality pre-porn.
There seems to exist a social dis-ease which is pandemic. I would not classify this disease as porn, and then eradicate porn from the face of the earth. Porn is only a symptom. If all porn was instantly evaporated there would still remain a deep social ill, only without an outlet of expression. How I would express this disease is through an overall meaninglessness in life, selfishness, lack of gratitude for what we DO have and that we, as a people, suffer of dissociation from each other- a disconnection with others resulting in a lack of overall intimacy and the… Read more »
I found this article to be a great read, and provocative on many fronts. While I’ve long been familiar with the term MILF (I have teenage sons), I laughed out loud at the thought that Friendly’s was marketing a porn-derived Sundae. That particular term was new to me (and I checked with a male friend, and it was new to him as well, though MILF was not). I will say that I’m not particularly offended by the term MILF, though it isn’t something I would say. I wonder if we have all grown so accustomed to certain language that we… Read more »
Seriously…what other people are saying here is true. While I deplore the mainstreaming of porn culture as much as anyone else. Friendly’s has been calling their small sundaes “Happy Ending Sundaes” for a long, long time. The derivation of the term really is from fairy tales, not from porn.
Sometimes the smut is truly in the eye of the beholder!
Well, this article demonstrates to me how much I have checked out of mainstream culture. I don’t live in Manhattan. I don’t have cable, rarely listen to the radio, and get most of my news online from the BBC and the Economist. I don’t feel bombarded by raunchy porn stuff in the media. I also recognize that people can be addicted to porn and sometimes even sex. Yes, sometimes porn depicts rage and misogyny. Not all the time. I enjoy porn on a regular basis. I generally avoid conventional porn films and magazines and stick with amateur porn, erotic photography,… Read more »
The term MILF bothers me less than the way the user uses it. Your relative’s compulsive objectifications of you, while oblivious to the impact on you, makes him seem pretty perpy.
Lili, your relative sounds like an absolute douchebag, judging by this conversation (it’s almost too awful to believe, but I can only take your word).
But if you have a relative who openly regales his relatives with his sexual exploits and calls one of them a “MILF,” I think you have a bigger problem on your hands than the terms MILF and happy ending entering mainstream parlance.