Welcome, come on into my study and let’s sit by the fire. OK mister listen up…I am going to give you a secret to winning every woman’s heart. Here is the secret but to real honest with you, it shouldn’t be a secret, but apparently it is—because most men don’t do it.
How do I know that? Because I travel across the country speaking and coaching and what I consistently hear are wives and girlfriends sharing with me the same thing. They may sound like different comments, but they all are tied to the same theme, over and over. So here is the secret—ready? Most women just don’t feel appreciated by their man at all.
Why? Well, it’s simple and complicated all at the same time for two reasons: 1) A man loves a woman, but he is not good at expressing it or .2) He thinks that she knows he loves her, so she doesn’t need to be told/shown/proven. Wrong. She is so craving the feeling of being loved and appreciated.
Here is an admission; I write my wife a love note every day. When I tell women the story about the love notes when I am speaking they say they wish their man would write one for them—eve,n one.
I didn’t write this to chastise you for what you are not doing to make you feel bad, but to give you some ideas that could transform how she feels about you, in a very significant way.
Here are some ways to express your appreciation:
Physically. No, it not what you think. I am not talking about that. I am talking about holding your lady’s hand. Putting your arm around her, kissing her. A shoulder squeeze. A touch on her arm. A neck massage. These are non-verbal messages that say “I love you.”
Verbally. You need to find some positive thing to say to her every day, and hopefully several times and day, and it better be something you mean and not blowing smoke. Tell her you love her, but also what you appreciate about her. Tell her she is a good Mom. Tell her she is talented. Tell her you love the way she _______. ( thinks, talks, works, figures things out, treats other people) No, don’t tell me the lame, “But I don’t know what to say” the things you should be saying are the reasons why you fell in love dude!
Written. Write a love note now and then. Don’t say, “But Shawn I am just not a writer.” Take out a sticky note- write “I sure love you” and stick it to the dashboard of her car. See was that so hard? You don’t have to be a writer. Buy a mushy card at the store and put it under her pillow.
Technology. If you are at work or traveling on business, send her a text message with a picture of where you are and “I am just thinking of you and wish you were here.” message. Leave her a heartfelt voicemail. When I am traveling my wife sends me texts and voice mails and when my flight lands it the first thing I hear. It means a lot.
Gifts. I think small gifts can mean a lot. I mean really inexpensive but thoughtful ones. Say “I know you didn’t ask, but I was at the store, and I got you that bagel that is your favorite for your breakfast tomorrow.” It is truly the thought that counts.
Help. This one is so simple. The best question a man can ask is “Can I help you with that?” The best is helping when not asked. My wife was talking to me the other day on the phone, and she was grocery shopping. I happened to be on the way home and was by the store when she was checking out. I stopped there and went in. When she said, “what are you doing here?” I said, “to help you put the groceries in the car.” She was touched by a simple act of help.
An act of kindness. Commit an act of kindness now and then for no reason- you know, “just because you love her.” Take her car to the car wash, buy her a morning at the spa, take the kids out for breakfast and let her sleep in that day. She will love you even more for it.
Surprises. Plan a long weekend away and surprise her. Buy tickets to her favorite band in concert and plan an evening out. Take her to the bookstore because her favorite author is signing books that night. Do something you know she loves doing. Surprises show forethought and caring and love.
These are just a few ideas to show love and care and to express it in many ways. As Barbara De Angelis once said, “The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.”
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This post is republished on Medium.
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