How Nathan Graziano deals with the anxiety of having a beautiful woman grind, naked, on his lap.
Lap dances make me feel funny.
When I say “funny,” I’m not talking about a tingling in my groin, the onset of a tent. Nor do I mean that having a beautiful woman, naked and nubile, gyrate on my lap and press her breasts against my face awakens an urge to break into a canned stand-up routine—“So a man walks into a bar holding a frog … .”
By “funny,” I mean awkward, as in I’m not exactly sure how to behave when a strange woman straddles me for cash.
For some guys, their primal instincts take over. They relax and look the dancer in the eyes with a boozy, mildly-retarded stare. They place their cupped and clammy hands centimeters from the dancer’s ass, hoping for an incidental and indecent brush with flesh, a swipe that eludes the hawkish glare of the bouncer. Some guys may even try monosyllabic forms of communication between staccato breaths—“Yeah, babe. Work it. Shake that shit.”
I, on the other hand, morph into a paralytic pile of anxiety and embarrassment when getting a lap dance. I’m humiliated by the fact that this woman is being paid to feign interest in me—if they even bother to feign it—only for the duration of Aerosmith’s “Angel.”
I also become hyper-conscious of the power dynamic at work. On one hand, the dancer is being paid for a service, which makes her in some way indentured to the man. And there’s always the arguable point that it objectifies and denigrates the woman, thus giving the man the upper hand.
However, like an actress, the dancer only has to play the role of temptress for a limited amount of time. And while the male is clearly attracted to her and contriving absurd scenarios where the dancer might actually sleep with him, the female is dividing numbers in her head—“Forty dollars for four minutes is ten bucks a minute, which makes six cents a second to sit on this chump’s lap.”
The whole act of getting a lap dance reminds me of a time in college, when I’d spend entire nights hanging out at the campus watering holes, trying to gather the beer-fueled courage to approach a pretty coed. And when I’d finally gather the gumption to approach a girl, my friend Pee Wee would routinely say to me: “Don’t bother, dude. That girl wouldn’t stop to piss on your head if your hair was on fire.”
So whenever a stripper hops on my lap, I hear Pee Wee’s voice, rising above the electric guitars of yet-another Motley Crue song, resounding like a mantra, again and again and again.
As the night wore on, Todd’s Best Man began buying lap dances for all of us. Initially, I tried to duck away, ashamed to explain my weird anxiety about lap dances and the “funny” that it provoked. But, eventually, I ran out places to hide, and The best man, a short Italian guy who had graduated from The Tony Soprano School of Male Etiquette, found me.
“Pick a girl, any one,” The best man said, draping a heavy arm around my shoulder. “It’s on me.”
Rather than risk being rude—and possibly whacked—I pointed to a petite brunette in a sexy black sequined gown.
“Done and done,” The best man said, then disappeared.
After ten minutes of trying to fortify myself with tequila shots, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, the brunette in the black gown was standing in front of me. Without a word, she took my hand and led me to a plush couch.
While I can’t remember the song that was playing, I remember pathetically trying to play psychologist with her. “So what are you thinking?” I asked as the girl shed the gown and disrobed down to her g-string.
Then I remember her taking pity on me. “You’re not enjoying this, are you?” she said with an intonation that suggested I didn’t “enjoy” women.
“No, no,” I said, defensively, “it’s just that, you know, I feel … funny.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, slowing undulating on my lap.
“If my hair was on fire, would you stop to piss on my head?”
The dancer smiled—as if she’d heard this all before—and for the first—and likely the last time—I received a lap dance, I relaxed. “Yes,” she said. “I would piss on your head, and I might even run for a bucket of water.”
“Thank you,” I said, unburdened and giving her my boozy, mildly-retarded stare. “Now work it, babe.”
Read more on Sex & Relationships: How to Receive a Blowjob Respectfully
Image credit: 2Stef27/Flickr
Strip clubs and profession lap dancing is for those men who are able to separate exploitative intimacy from true intimacy. It’s similar to the way one treats their waiter during a restaurant meal, whether you behave as though you own them for the duration of your meal or respect them as doing their job. Sexual industry jobs are more complicated. But it takes a certain kind of bold disconnect to drop your daughter off at school and then later that night have a woman not much older grind on your boner. I personally choose not to.
It’s funny that you bring up these associations with other intimate services we have no problem paying people—almost always women—to do. Take care of our children: wipe their noses, teach them algebra. Take care of us when we’re sick: nurse us, massage us. Cook for us, clean up our houses. And yes, grind on our boners. Whatever the law allows for , and more: whatever there’s a demand for, and someone willing to do it for the money. Are there things we shouldn’t be paying people to do for us because they’re too intimate? What could be more intimate than… Read more »
Bachelor(ette) parties are just simply rituals for people to say farewell to friends as they transition into another phase of life [single to married] and should be treated as such. For the strip clubs, it should be viewed in a context of balance. Just like how love is more meaningful after many breakups and soul searching, this one last bit of emotional infidelity reaffirms the commitment to marriage (or allows them to flee from it before the actual wedding). As for all the borderline insulting comments about strippers and their clients, they are not victims, they are people. Strippers dont… Read more »
@DCPrin…
“to say farewell to friends as they transition into another phase of life [single to married]”
“this one last bit of emotional infidelity reaffirms the commitment to marriage (or allows them to flee from it before the actual wedding).”
Talk about mindfucking oneself…
To each his own.
Life is Good!
I’ve been to a few strip clubs in my life. I first started going because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Then it became more tradition. We would go once a year or two. As more guys got married, we’d go less often. I haven’t been to one in a few years. I remember being into the strippers for the first hour or so and then just wanted to hang out and talk with my friends. I’ve never had to approach a stripper for a lap dance, but have had to turn down some offers. One… Read more »
John, why are men only able to bond when they visit strip clubs? What is it about going to a place with naked women that enables men bond with one another? I have to admit, this is a big depressing and threatening to me. That men can only feel good among each other if they are objectfying other women in the process..that’s how it seems to me at least. I also don’t understand why so many men like celebrating their marriage or the marriage of a friend by spending the time with other beautiful young naked women. I think it’s… Read more »
I don’t think it’s fair to say that men go to the strip clubs with this idea of “Oh yay, I get to objectify me some womens with no consequences.” The objectification is not the draw, nor the primary reason they’re there. And it’s not the objectification that bonds them. The draw, and the reason this is a bonding thing for them, is that the strip club environment is designed with the men’s desires in mind. No feminist agenda. No being told how to behave (aside from the club’s rules), no being shamed for giving these women sexual attention or… Read more »
John, why are men only able to bond when they visit strip clubs? It’s not. Men can bond in lots of different places. Hardware shops, bars, game halls, each other’s houses, etc… It’s just that strip clubs have the pleasure of being presumed to be an inherent threat. What is it about going to a place with naked women that enables men bond with one another? This relates to the idea that men as a whole are visual creatures and that sexual thoughts and situations are relaxing. I have to admit, this is a big depressing and threatening to me.… Read more »
I went to a lapdancing club once, as one stop on a roving bachelor party. It was interesting, and more fun than I’d feared – the girls were all very friendly, and some of the pole dancers were extremely good – but the fundamental exploitativeness of it all still shone through. And when I say that, I’m not talking about the *girls* being exploited. If they took home even 10% of the price of each dance they’d be doing okay. But the whole operation is just a way of hoovering money out of men in exchange for… well, what exactly?… Read more »
“Does someone who actually ENJOYS being lapdanced want to chime in and explain? Because I just don’t get it.” How old are you and how much experience have you had? I can’t remember the details, but once in grade school the boys and girls had gym at the same time. We used a classroom to change and the girls were allowed to change first while the boys waited outside. There was glass above the door. It must have been a funny sight watching us jumping up and down to try and peek over the door. I remember a girl betting… Read more »
I’ve been to a strip club a couple of times to recruit the women for an investment club. Other than that, fake foreplay does nothing for me besides irritate me.
I’m lucky enough to have found a man who wants to puke on strip clubs as much as i do. I guess we’re both “atypical.” People (women) LIKE to be objectified??? Glad my mother left that lesson out when she raised me. Yikes.
Hello. I’m one of those “dancers” and “whores” Jules was casually referencing. Big fan of this site. Not such a big fan of reading commentary on the industry because it’s full of generalizations. One step at a time, though. The key to receiving a private/couch/”lap”dance is to RELAX! 🙂 You’re obviously aware she can tell you’re uncomfortable as she suggested you probably weren’t enjoying yourself. This could be reading your body language or your facial expression, or even the fact that you’re trying to play “psychologist” with her. Pro tip: You’re not our psychologist, and chances are, that’s not a… Read more »
Please don’t feel feel like this is an indictment on what you do or the industry. I have no problem with it. As I said in my comment to Kaleb, any adult/adult exchange is their perogative. And as long as the women are safe—and with bouncers in the room, they are—then I say, Have a blast! Women dancing for men goes back thousands of years, i.e. Salome and the Dance of the Seven Veils. Of course, it got John the Baptist decapitated, but it’s a story. The article was meant to be somewhat self-deprecating. My problem is that I can’t… Read more »
I appreciate the replies! All of the stereotype scenarios don’t necessarily pertain to me, personally, however, the overall generalizations include myself and friends who I have grown close with over the past 8 years, so there’s a minor desire to speak up when the opportunity presents itself. The ironic part is, as awkward you are in the establishment, there are plenty of dancers who feel just as awkward. We are nerds just like everyone else- writers, Trekkies, gamers (tabletop and video), students getting MA’s, medical students, Star Wars fanatics (the entire 1970’s rare toy collection in the garage), musicians, Cthulhu/Whovians,… Read more »
Now, if a dancer started talking to me about Star Wars while dancing for me, I would immediately relax. We could pretend we’re on Dagobah, possibly play the Cantina music. I’m not being facetious either. If there is ever that beer and wine strip club, I hope it has a Star Wars theme, and I’ll take you up on that invite!
@ A Dancer.. Well, I guess you’re simply doing your job. A job you obviously enjoy. For the men I suppose it is entertainment. I do not like strip clubs. Nor do I care for the whole idea of a “Gentlemen’s Club” But, I live in America and we are all free to choose. And freedom does work! To each his own. Hence, I do not frequent strip clubs. The last time I attended a strip club was in 1997. It was in Washington DC (Good Guys). My Japanese friends wanted to go. The whole thing just struck me as… Read more »
I definitely hear you, Kaleb. It’s a good point. And I think you have me pegged: I have no rhythm and no game, along with being a poster model for Xanax. It’s probably best I stay away.
As far as “the death of freedom,” that’s not what I wrote. I wrote “the end of his perceived freedom,” and was trying to play off an old trope of marriage as the end of a man’s bachelorhood, thus freedom. It was a joke, thus “perceived freedom.” But maybe the tone didn’t come through. The whole thing was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
@Nate Thanks. And I totally do get the uneasiness about the subject, especially when you’re trying to take into account “This comes off as objectification–do I feel comfortable with this?” Every man in your position has the right to ask themselves this question and to act accordingly. However, as men interacting with women who are doing the grinding and lap dancing, we have to be careful to understand that this is probably a choice they’re making. Some women don’t dance like this because of how it makes them feel–that’s their own choice and more power to them. Some women love… Read more »
I agree with you 100%, Kaleb. In fact, I see no problem with adults making adult decisions in the interactions of enticing, teasing, or sex for money. Nor would I ever take a moral high ground on the issue. I’m fine with it. At least in strip clubs, the women are protected by bouncers, and that should always be the case when there’s an exchange of the kind.
And. sure, there’s nothing with being objectified if you’re cool with being objectified. I can understand how that could feel good.
The simple solution here is to not go to strip clubs. That’s pretty easy to figure out. Also, how marrying the man or woman you love the death of your freedom? If that’s how my future husband (should i choose to marry) felt about marriage i would 1) NOT marry him and 2) dump him. Just saiyan.
@Atypical *standing ovation* for your last sentence.
Agree.
I could never understand the concept of a Bachelor party..or Bachelorette party. Just dirty hedonistic fun I suppose.
A bunch of strippers and whores to “celebrate” your new beginning with your wife. Sounds like a good way to start off a marriage.
Agreed. My husband and I talked about having a bachelor party, but it wasn’t as high a priority—we were already borrowing more than we’d ever taken out to put on the reception—and it seemed silly to have one, and even more unlike us to have two. Instead, we spent the night before our wedding most characteristically: putting the final touches on our wedding attire and decorations, and preparing food for the reception. I am glad I have those memories instead of something awkward and regrettable to mark the beginning of our married lives together.
Bachelor parties are not about the bachelor. I’ve gone to many bachelor parties that were house parties. They’re much raunchier than bar parties. At one such party, the entertainer brought a condom with her. There was a raffle and the winner got to go into a bedroom with her and use it. Some of the married guys bought a ticket and gave it to one of the single guys. For a lot of guys, it’s about celebration and male bonding. That might be why I’ve never seen a groom actually enjoying his party. One guy, who used to drink like… Read more »
@Atypical
“The simple solution here is to not go to strip clubs. That’s pretty easy to figure out. Also, how marrying the man or woman you love the death of your freedom? If that’s how my future husband (should i choose to marry) felt about marriage i would 1) NOT marry him and 2) dump him. Just saiyan.”
So you’d dump him for being honest ?
There are pros and cons with everything in life including marriage.
Not all women give lap dances because they’re “paid to feign interest”. Some women–and I’m not speaking *for*, just from the women that I know–love giving lap dances and grinding. It’s how some people get down–hell, I give lap dances all the time. In the case of this stripper at your friend’s party–she’s a pro, that’s her job. I totally understand the questioning of power dynamics or objectivity, but at the end of the day us (men) feeling anxious to receive a lap dance because of some inner guilt won’t get us anywhere. Sure, we have to take into account… Read more »
Nailed it buddy. I feel the exact same way about lapdances. I would rather watch a sexy woman dance erotically on stage from a distance than have her on top of me. Lapdances just don’t do it for me.
Strip clubs don’t do it for me. The whole strip club thingy seems pretty dumb to me.
To each his own.