She’s amazing, smart, and totally gets you. But her mother – that’s a different story, and they seem to be a package deal.
Mothers get a bad rap when it comes to butting in, but our partner’s entire family are actually part of the package when you’re in a relationship. That means that incorporating them into your life in a way that’s tolerable and healthy is crucial.
What that looks like for each couple is different. The one thing each successful relationship has in common, however, are healthy boundaries. For many couples though those boundaries are very blurry, and some parents can continually find ways to overstep them.
What No Parental Boundaries Look Like
Example 1. Jenna’s mother thinks Tim is great. She feels like he’s her own son. To that end she routinely buys him underwear when they’re on sale and it’s always boxers. The problem is that Tim doesn’t like boxers, but Jenna’s mom continues to remind him they’re better for “his boys” and he needs to take care of his sperm.
Jenna’s response: “Well, she’s not wrong and she’s just looking out for you. You should try them.”
Example 2. Tina gave her mom a key to their house. She thought it was a good idea in case she needed to come help with the kids or dog. Now, however, she just let’s herself in whenever she comes over – no knocking. Last week she let herself in and when she couldn’t find anyone started walking into bedrooms. When she walked into theirs, she caught them, well, you know. Of course, she wasn’t embarrassed and actually said, “Good for you.”
Tina’s response: With a giggle, “I think it’s great she’s so comfortable with us.”
Example 3. George’s dad thinks that it’s great Cindy has a good job, and he loves his grandkids. He does, however, feel like George and Cindy could benefit from his experience and is continually calling offering advice, sending articles about raising kids, and sent Cindy a book about how working women can be good mothers too. Then kept calling to see if she’d read it yet.
George’s response: “Just read it! He’s trying to help.”
Can you relate to any of these examples? These are all prime examples of what it looks like when there are no parental boundaries, and it affects your relationship in not so good ways.
Parents often feel like the closeness they share with their own child extends to that child’s partner and family. Generally, this is because the adult child in question has allowed the relationship to exist without any boundaries of their own. In the instances above none of the adult children of the overly involved parents felt there was anything wrong with the behavior, at least nothing they would question or challenge.
How To Address It With Your Partner
Telling your partner their parents need to butt out can be tricky. Your partner may feel you are trying to drive a wedge between them or cut their parents out of your lives. So, handling things with sensitivity and respect is crucial.
The truth is that overly involved parents do care. In most all cases it’s a matter of wanting what’s best for their child and their child’s partner that is the largest driver the behavior. And there’s also a possibility they’re scared to let go for fear of being forgotten or becoming obsolete.
In order to begin the process of redefining boundaries with your partner’s parents you’ll need to have a very open and honest conversation with your partner. As you do this, you should have in mind the likely motivation of the parent in question. The last thing you want to do is cause hurt, pain, or strife.
Your partner needs to understand your feelings and why the behavior bothers you. As a couple you need the autonomy to create a life together that is fulfilling and safe. When your privacy is continually invaded by anyone, even a parent, it can prevent you from feeling comfortable and safe in your environment. This can lead to a decrease in intimacy and an increase in resentment. Not a recipe for success in a relationship.
If your partner doesn’t seem bothered by the invasive behavior your first step is to help them see things from your point of view.
“When your mom sends me underwear (and ones I don’t like) it makes me feel like she doesn’t view me as an adult or have any respect for me.”
“When your mom treats our house like it’s her own it makes me feel like we don’t have our own personal space and I can’t really ever relax and feel comfortable.”
“When your dad sends me books on parenting it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me as a parent.”
Statements like these are easier to hear and understand than accusatory statements, ranting about meddling parents, or avoidance. They are more likely to bring a sympathetic response and make it clear that your happiness is being affected by the lack of boundaries.
Your second step will be to help them brainstorm around the best way to discuss new boundaries with their parents without unnecessarily hurting them. It’s quite possible that the parents have no idea that they’ve overstepped.
In fact, you may first have to work through things more deeply with your partner if they’ve allowed this to go on for a long time and have a hard time seeing the need for change. It could be that the parents are secondary in this situation and it’s your partner who feels overly attached and doesn’t see the need for boundaries.
In either case, this is a conversation that you may need to repeat several times before the final version of change is actually achieved. Long-term habits can be hard to break. But when it comes to setting boundaries consistency and patience are key.
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