Three women friends of mine have confided in me that they have been raped. Sexually assaulted. This should not be so but it is.
All of them are Black women and at least two of them have gone to therapy because of the incidents. None of the women ever reported the incident. Their reasons are the same: what’s the use? They also asked me not to reveal their names or the location of the assault or the identity of the perpetrator though I do not know any of them anyway which is good.
The first woman who confided me informed me said that the perpetrator was a relative. Someone in her family. If she had reported the incident or filed charges, she said no one would believe her.
Additionally, she knew the perpetrator would deny it and she would get blamed for the incident. It happened when she was young and the perpetrator was an adult.
The incident was decades ago in other words and is seared into her memory. Therapy helped some. For the longest time, she held a grudge against family members because she felt they had to know what happened because it happened more than once.
My second friend told me years ago that she was raped in college. It was date rape. My friend was young at the time and had gone out on a date. It was a long time ago. Decades.
Again, she said she hadn’t confided in hardly anyone. For some reason, she wanted to talk to me about it. I won’t even give a hint of her name, the college she was attending, and how it all happened. I will keep my word.
My friend does say she didn’t leave school because of the incident and pushed through and graduated. The person who did this to her knows that she didn’t consent and for the longest time avoided her.
Eventually, the perpetrator is the one who left the college they were attending. Her resolve to finish college and not be mentally destroyed was part of her drive. She has never seen him since he left college.
My last friend was raped many times by her partner. Her partner, old-fashioned, believed that a husband (a man) had a right to force sex upon his wife if she refused his advances. He also believed that it wasn’t a crime for a man to do this (in some countries, it isn’t).
My friend says this happened more than once.
My friend and her husband did go their separate ways. She has not seen him in decades. She didn’t report him because she said the chances of the system doing anything were slim.
I have no idea but I respected her view of it all.
What are the statistics on sexual violence? The Centers for Disease Control says that 20 percent of women have experienced sexual violence in the U.S. In addition, one-third of women suffered their attack between the ages of 11–17. One of my friends falls into that latter category and one was younger than 20.
The last few years have seen a surge in the focus on sexual violence. There has been a strong push to hold perpetrators accountable. Television star, Bill Cosby served jail time for sexual assault and according to evidence gathered, he was a serial perpetrator of sexual assaults.
Movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein likewise is in jail for sexual assault. Multiple women have accused Donald Trump of sexual assault at various times though he has yet to be charged (though he has been sued). It isn’t likely he will ever be charged.
However, despite the efforts of many great organizations to stamp it out, sexual violence continues against women of all races.
I have children. Daughters. I worry for and about them. While I don’t see how the parents of Black boys deal with what their sons deal with in America as far as the police are concerned and society, I worry more and more about my Black children (young women) each day as they grow up and navigate a world and society full of sexism, misogyny, and sexual violence. Sexual violence is out there and it is epidemic across racial lines.
I see how men have looked at my daughters even when they are with me (I give the men the nastiest looks). They have come back with crazy stories of men following them in malls and other places. None of them has come back with stories of sexual assault yet but I still wonder.
Would they tell me? Would they confide in me if something happened? Or would they do like my friends and keep it bottled up inside for years?
This is the world we live in. The country we live in. I know this world because I am a man and grew up hearing how men talked about and to women. Our society once encouraged this talk overtly. It mostly tolerated sexist and sexual behavior by men towards women. It still does.
I am a product of that world. It is embedded in me and each day, I try to reject it. I do reject it even when I fall short and don’t do enough to challenge it. I have to reject it.
Does it have to be like this? I don’t think so. Or, at least we should be working harder against it. Not just women either but men.
When Black people challenge their white friends and associates to challenge white supremacy and be an “ally” against it, it is real. Powerful. And we are serious.
Men are in the position to challenge sexism, sexual violence, misogyny, and a male-dominated world and society. To try. None of us are perfect. Many of us have done bad things to women I suspect. Many of us still are not all there on this issue. But we have to try. Everyday.
I am still in touch with my three friends. They remain anonymous and will remain anonymous. I gave them my word. Their stories will remain nameless but true as far as I can tell. These events did happen in their lives. They told me it helped to reveal it to someone though they did tell a few others as well.
We have to believe women that sexual violence is real and rampant. We have to also make them believe we will believe them and then stand against it.
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Previously Published on medium
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Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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