A dad uncomfortable after birth, a “When Harry Met Sally” frustration, and guy who is only infatuated until the other person is.
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This article originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
Dear John,
My wife and I had our first child six months ago. Everything was normal. Her pregnancy, labor and delivery, adjusting to having a third member of our family (a wonderful son), everything. There’s only one thing that hasn’t gone well.
Ever since we first met, the sexual part of our relationship was always great, and with no effort. From the first time I saw her, I was intensely attracted to her, and inexplicably, she felt the same way about me. Our sex life has been exciting, uninhibited, just great, and I know she feels the same. But seeing her give birth has changed that, and I feel like a complete jerk for saying it. But it’s a fact. Watching her give birth was amazing, but it was also extremely gross, and every time I think of sex with her, that’s all I can think of. She doesn’t know I feel this way because it’s been easy to attribute our lack of sex to the exhaustion of caring for a newborn, our out-of-whack sleep schedules, all sorts of things. But things have settled back into a routine. It’s a new routine, and so far it’s a sexless one, but this situation can’t go on indefinitely, obviously.
So what do I do? How do we get back to where we were? I should mention, I still want sex. I just don’t want it much from my wife. (There’s that self-loathing again!)
Sincerely,
Turned Off
You may have been turned off by watching your wife give birth, but all those other factors that cause new parents to have infrequent (if any) sex still apply — you ARE tired, your sleep schedules ARE out of whack. So it’s possible that you weren’t as thoroughly turned off by what you saw as you think and that these other factors are also playing a part. It seems like they almost must be.
If that’s the case (and even if it isn’t), I think it’s just a question of a little more time. Time to get accustomed to your new life with your son, time for the mental images you’re dwelling on to fade a bit more, and time for your husband-and-wife roles and identities to grow to include father-and-mother aspects. Six months is really not all that long.
So what do you do? First, forego any kind of sex that doesn’t include her — you may think that masturbating will give you some harmless relief, but it could easily become your primary sexual outlet at the expense of your marriage. So don’t do it. Then the next time your wife initiates sex or the two of you are in a situation that’s leading to it, don’t resist or start thinking, “Uh-oh, this is that thing that’s a Big Problem now.” Just go with it and see what happens. If that time doesn’t quite work, try it again. I think with a bit of patience, you’ll be right back to doing what got you into this predicament in the first place.
Dear John,
How come every guy I am friends with thinks our friendship means something it doesn’t and ends up acting weird — jealous of my other friends, or mopey and distant, or worst of all, trying to kiss me? Then when I say no (because I don’t think of these guys as anything other than friends), things get uncomfortable and we end up not being friends any more? I’ve always had lots of friends who are guys because I get along with them well and in some ways they’re easier friends than girls are (in SOME ways), but I can’t tell you how many I am no longer friends with because they had to ruin it. What can I do, besides saying, “Just so you know, we’re not going out” to every guy I meet? Because I feel like they’re getting that idea, but I know I’m not giving it to them. I’m never flirty, I don’t give them any reason to think there’s anything going on that there’s not, they just end up thinking that anyway. I don’t get it.
Signed,
Just Friends
Dear Just Friends,
I think girls can be friends with guys a lot more easily than guys can be friends with girls. More often than not, guys seem to hope things can go from “friend-who’s-a-girl” to “girlfriend” while the girl in question is content with things staying just as they are. To a certain extent, I think what you’re experiencing is just the different way guys and girls look at friendships and relationships.
That answers your first question. But as for your second one, why should you do anything differently? You’re not doing anything wrong, so just accept that this is going to happen sometimes. The good news is two other things might happen as well: the guys who don’t screw up your friendship could end up being really great friends. And eventually, you could meet someone who does start out as a friend and becomes something more, which is a fantastic way to start a relationship (if a relationship is something you want).
Dear John,
Over the past few years, I have begun to notice an unsettling pattern to my relationships. I will become infatuated with a woman, fall head over heels for her, think about her all the time (almost literally), and do everything to show her how much I care and make her feel the same way about me. And then, when she does, that’s when I start to lose interest.
It’s had to happen a few times for me to even realize what I was doing. I used to think it was a natural process of growing apart. After all, people who were crazy about each other break up all the time. But if I’m honest, I know that’s not what I’m talking about here. As soon as my last girlfriend told me she loved me, I was aware, in the back of my mind, that it would be the beginning of a long, slow end.
What am I to make of this? Is this just what happens until you find the one that lasts — the one that was really “meant to be”?
Sincerely,
Wish One Would Last
Dear Wish One Would Last,
You have to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship (besides sex, which is a given), and you have to be really honest about the answer. Do you want a girlfriend so the two of you can experience the world as a couple, delighting in each other’s triumphs and supporting each other when things don’t go your way? Or do you want a girlfriend simply to prove to yourself and the world that you’re worthy of a girlfriend? If the answer is the latter (which it usually is with people for whom relationships are all about the pursuit), then what you’ve experienced makes perfect sense: once you have your confirmation that you’re desirable to someone, you’ve reached your goal, and it’s on to the next one.
Does that sound like you? If so, what could account for your deep-seated conviction that you’re not all that attractive —- and I don’t mean the way you look, I mean the person you are? These kinds of issues don’t usually resolve themselves; they just end up being expressed in various unfortunate ways. (For example, the need for further validation by the opposite sex is one reason so many married people have affairs.) If you see yourself in this, I think it would be a great idea for you to explore these questions further with a therapist.
Photo credit: Flickr/Tony Fischer Photography
I think the root of the problem with the first man is that he’s seen his wife’s body as an object of sex instead of something much greater than that. When she looses the ability to be a “sex object” to him, such as her body doing something like giving birth, he can’t see her as being sexy anymore. It’s the classic “slut/madonna” complex. I think laying off the masturbation and lusting after other women is a great idea. For goodness sake. She carried their baby for 9-months and changed her body forever so that they could have a baby.… Read more »
Nowadays? You think masturbation is a recent invention? And it’s victimless! And it improves lovemaking, why would a woman object to a man masturbating? A man who doesn’t masturbate is likely to be more sexually dysfunctional than a man who does.
Maybe its best for some men to not be present at the birth of their children if it is going to spell the end of sex with their wives/partners. Also, if a woman is friends with a man it’s usually because she has zero attraction for him. With men, it seems to be 50/50 either way. Either he sees her as his sister or he wants more down the line. Best policy: Keep friends and lovers in separate categories.
Michael Bolton disagrees with you Jackie. How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends? I think it’s crap; you certainly shouldn’t put them in seperate categories. The relationships I’ve had that worked began as friendships; and you need to be able to trust someone if you’re going to be intimate with them, so to me someone I know and trust is going to be more attractive than a stranger. I think people who prefer not to be friends make that preference because there’s less consequences that way so they don’t have to take responsibility for another person’s feelings.… Read more »
I feel like an experienced sex therapist might be a good help to “turned off.” I don’t think it’s wise to minimize his experience if he really is experiencing his wife as a turn-off. Like he says, he sees it as a problem, and feels guilty about it, but can’t help it. I think a sex therapist would be much better at addressing these issues.
That, or just good counseling in general. Watching a woman give birth is not for everyone. A friend who spent several years working as an OB nurse thinks there are at least some men who would rather not, or should not, be present. But we’ve done a 180 from the “good old days” when fathers were outright banned from the delivery room; now, men risk being accused of being insensitive neanderthals if they chose not to be with their wives during birth, and so some are present under duress, even when they can’t handle it. My friend saw fathers who… Read more »
To the second man I would suggest he look into “limerent objects” and “limerence”. Not the “sweet puppy love” version you’ll see at first plastered all over the net but as a deeper and more chronic issue. It explains your situation – especially losing interest. Consider it. To the first – don’t be scared of a little counselling! At some level you seem to have found the visual experience traumatic, and clearly don’t wish to feel the way you do, or remember your wife in that way with such negative feelings. On the contrary, I think it’s commendable to suggest… Read more »
I would also wonder if “wishitwouldlasts” problem isn’t fear of commitment. Whilst you’re in pursuit commitment is not a danger, because hey you could always give up pursuit, but as soon as they reciprocate it suddenly becomes a serious possibility – “oh hell, if I’m never going to dump you, and you’re never going to dump me, that means… we could be stuck with each other!” lol. That’s one possible cause. Another is the possibility that low self-esteem might lead you to suspect that an interest in you is indicative of poor judgement on her part, so you automatically lose… Read more »
JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU JOKING? Telling a man with small children not to masturbate is the worst advice on this topic I’ve ever read, and I’ve read a lot of terrible advice on this topic. Wank, brother, wank. And consider fantasizing about your wife while you do it.
Not for the first time wishing there were like buttons on these comments. That was my exact thoughts reading that.
it wasn’t an end all, be all suggestion. it was a suggestion to help him fix no longer being attracted to his wife sexually. Think about it. If he doesn’t masturbate, he’s more likely to be horny when she initiate something and forget all about his gross-out issue. Problem solved. After that, masturbation is back on the table.
Actually he doesn’t mention his wife initiating anything at all. So it’s quite possible she isn’t that horny right now. This might be another reason he’s finding her less attractive, because generally another’s arousal is arousing. If she’s tired, and quite possibly sore she may not be giving him the signals that used to subliminally arouse him. But I don’t think abstaining increases your sex drive anyway – in the short term maybe it does but in the long term hasn’t it been proven in studies that it doesn’t? That the more sex you have the more sex hormones you… Read more »