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This past week, I met up with a father of a teenage SAT tutoring client of mine who shared his parental trade secrets. Not yet a parent myself, I take every opportunity to speak with fathers about raising children because, frankly, I’m scared of it and want to arm myself to the teeth with knowledge.
What he shared with me resonated deeply, and I want to pass on his simple wisdom to you.
A quick word about his daughter—let’s call her Sydney. I work with countless burned-out, overly scheduled, helicopter-parented teens all day long. Many are resentful of it all, and the parents look just as harried as their children by the daunting competitiveness of modern college admissions.
Both parent and child seem driven forward, uneasily, by the external pressure to outdo all of the other overtaxed kids they share a classroom with. Sydney, though, is different.
Sydney’s internal motivation burns like an inferno compared to her average peer. From the beginning of our work together, she required no external hand, by either her father or me, to inspire her to work towards her college goals.
Even more, I immediately noticed an unusual integrity, determination, and high moral character in her behavior. She quickly became my favorite student because interacting with her was such a pleasure.
So how did Sydney come to be this way?
To me, her father deserves much of the credit due to his humble, value-driven, and trust-laden approach to parenting. Let’s call her father, John.
John spoke with me—heart open—about his beautiful and straightforward approach to parenting.
From when Sydney was 3, he had the philosophy that her life belonged to her and her alone. Her choices, her consequences, her dreams, and her failures would always be up to only her. He would not interfere by imposing any external vision of what her life should be.
It’s as though he treated her as an adult from a young age, and deeply honored her autonomy at every level. He saw her as a free little being. With that treatment of profound respect and trust, she flourished. Like a seedling in a roomy flowerpot, she had more than enough space to grow into herself.
I was struck by John’s courageous trust, both in Sydney and in life, to allow her so much autonomy. I imagine it would be far easier to let fear run the show and attempt more control, but John resisted the temptation and let trust be his anchor: an assurance that her developmental process, unfettered, would be enough to help her navigate the world fluidly. Seeing the result in Sydney, I’m inclined to think he was right.
So what about accountability and responsibility?
John had a simple approach, guided by a Christian-inspired moral compass: act in love, generosity, kindness, and without excess selfishness.
They explored this mantra daily, and he told her that he’d only hold her accountable when she stepped outside of those bounds. Every other choice, including about academics, was in her court. If she came to him with questions about life, he answered those to the best of his ability, with humility, and encouraged her to make up her own mind about reality. I can see the result clearly in her: she thinks for herself more than any student her age I’ve ever met.
Sydney is a shining light among a cohort of vitality-sapped teens that never got enough room to grow due to excess helicopter parenting. She has a life force and the spirit of autonomy in her. She follows her curiosity and passions with virtually no hesitation. She exhibits maturity beyond her years.
Much of the credit goes rightly to her. Much goes to John, a father I deeply admire.
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