If you can’t confront your shadow, it’ll bite you in the ass.
There are photographs of me—many of them by the artist Peter Hujar, another by Robert Mapplethorpe—that could be considered compromising. But I’m proud of them. At 60, I accept my sensual self, past and present.
When a friend, Linda Durham, a respected art dealer and gallery owner in Santa Fe, ran for mayor a number of years ago, she began her campaign by “outing” her past: “As some of you know,” she said, “I was at one time a Playboy bunny. That is not relevant to this election. I have been a businesswoman for over 20 years, a mother, an activist in our community: That is what is relevant.” It was never mentioned again.
If you can’t confront your shadow, it’ll bite you in the ass.
We all have a shadow—a dark, often disowned Mr. Hyde. It can fuel creativity and sexual energy. Perhaps it’s part of our hard-wiring—necessary to spread our seed. But this id, this unconscious mind, can often override our sensible self. Such is the case with Weiner and Schwarzenegger. The subliminal self wants to be caught—to be free from the pretense of one-dimensional “goodness.” To pretend to be a symbol of near-perfection is a temptation to the shadow self to act up and out.
Our society expects public figures to behave a certain way. We ask them to only be in their “light”—not only to be honest but also traditionally monogamous in their relationships, as if this is part of the job description. Blame our Puritanical culture for this personality split.
Underlying this phenomenon is the classical Madonna/Whore dichotomy. For some, the woman they marry becomes the “mother of their children” and can no longer be the object of their lust. Hence a “whore” or “slut” is needed to fill the place of their beloved during the heat of early relationship.
Some of us don’t need that heat in our sex lives. Those of us who do have a challenge: We must transcend the culture’s limitations and dare to be shameless with those we love.
My friend Felicity used to call herself a “lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom.” A healthy marriage (straight or gay) requires the integration of both the angel and the devil if it is to remain, well, hot. When that’s accomplished, the temptations of Internet hook-ups and Twitter “sexting” are mitigated if not eliminated. The shadow has no need to rebel.
I’m all for giving the shadow air and space and treating it with compassion. We are still a young culture and we are grappling with a split between our human reality and an unattainable sacred ideal.
Monogamy is, to be blunt, really difficult. We can begin by concentrating on honest expression of self—monogamous or polyamorous—giving recognition to that shadow, allowing it to be part of the relationship. Marriage can be based on commitment even without the insistence on monogamy as its platform. Women are no longer property and paternity is discernable without chastity belts, figurative or literal.
The media plays its role in either maintaining the status quo or helping us move forward. As long as public figures—and now, with social media, private citizens—are blackmailed by potential exposure of their sexual behavior, the shadow remains underground and a destructive force. When we come out of yet another closet and embrace our full sexual history as inherently valuable, we are free.
Let’s give ourselves and our public figures a break and refocus on the greater issues that confront our wellbeing and survival as citizens of the world. Sex scandals are a sideshow to distract us from the real issues: The environment, the economy, human rights!
Robert, I’m with this. I’ve had to do this to overcome a sense of shame. I’m mildly polyamorous by nature, but I honor my wife (who is not a bit poly) by being monogamous. I still have pretty close relationships with other people of both sexes, of course. For all you Jungians, I’m a Taurus with a Scorpio Moon (in the Eighth House, yet), and have Pisces Rising. Yes, I’m outing myself as an astrologer, too. (Downvote this if you have no sense of humor.) @Dan– I’m recovering too. But I think some of what we need to acknowledge are… Read more »
Hey Bobby! GREAT article on shadow; coincidentally (or not) I chose that very topic for my blog post last week (see http://touchpractice.com/wp/2011/07/me-and-my-shadow/ )
I’m going to link to your article; it’s great reinforcement and illumination on the topic! Be well–
Kevin Smith
Hi Robert – Thanks for bringing this great concept to “light.” I totally agree about confronting the shadow. Extremely important – it seems to be about confronting the essence of our humanity. In 12 step parlance it is Steps 6 and 7 – when we confront our “defects of character” and begin to be honest about who we are – all of us. Our society as a whole needs to confront its shadow. Thanks for a great concise article.