How did we go from ignoring the bad things men do to talking about them all the time? Victoria Medgyesi explores the cultural—and personal—cost of ignoring the obvious.
It took the 14-year old son of a friend to point out the obvious. “I don’t see many good stories about men,” he said, browsing through a newspaper.
“So how does that make you feel?” I asked.
“Not very good,” he replied, as he flipped through pages filled with stories about pedophiliac priests, teenage boys who kill, financial swindlers, sadistic dictators, pimps, homophobic politicians who sleep with men, soldiers who rape, online sexual predators, serial killers, boyfriends who batter, celebrities who cheat, men who kidnap and imprison kids, and fathers who molest, kill, or abandon their families.
Prior to his not-so-innocent remark, I hadn’t thought much about how the daily barrage of negativity affects the way men and boys feel about themselves—and about other men. Neither had I asked how such sensationalized stories affect the way women and girls relate to fathers and sons, friends and lovers, husbands, teachers, colleagues, or to any man or boy they pass on the street. And that’s when it occurred to me. I was so used to mucking around in the “bad man hype” that I couldn’t see the dirt clinging to my boots. I soon discovered I wasn’t alone. So far have the scales tipped in the negative direction that many people laughed when told them I was looking for “good stories about men.”
“Are there any?” was a typical reply. It made sense. After all, the negative news comes at such a furious pace we barely notice when one horrific tale ends and another begins.
Though men clearly do plenty of bad and stupid things, has our global quest for truth and justice caused us to automatically expect the worst from them? Could the non-stop negativity in fact be contributing to the very behaviors we’d like to see eradicated?
The barriers to asking that question—let alone discussing it—are huge.
Cultural inertia is strong impediment to progress. The media clings to the tried and true—even if it’s usually far from the truth. Men are typecast as bad, silly, or incompetent. Who hasn’t laughed at the dumb dad or the dimwit boss featured on television? In advertisements, these guys can be found cluelessly pitching
everything from frozen pies to detergent. Films and electronic games make the most of male-induced gore. The same is true for news and opinion shows. So, is the stereotype setting the commercial tone—or vice versa? Given the onslaught of negativity, could some men simply be living up to the message?
Maybe you’re thinking, “You’re talking about entertainment. I can tell the difference between that and real life. It doesn’t affect the way I think or feel about men.” Don’t bet on it. While it’s no longer necessary to prove that stereotypes such as “blacks are lazy” and “women are bitches” are harmful, it’s not necessarily the case when it comes to stereotypes about men. Most stand without comment, and we seldom ask why.
Over the past fifty years, we’ve gone from ignoring many of the bad things men do to talking about them all the time. So why aren’t we talking more about how this “shift” affects both genders?
For one thing, many men are in denial. “Nah, stereotypes don’t affect me,” they say, perhaps believing that personal power, education, money, or skin color will protect them from the fallout. Others get it. “Does a fish notice it’s swimming in water?” a male friend told me. “For men, these stereotypes have always been there. We just keep paddling around the deep end trying to survive.”
The truth is, stereotypes respect no one. If one in a group is suspect, all are. The stakes rise when gender stereotyping is paired with additional cultural baggage related to a person’s ethnicity, sexual preference, age, or disability.
So, where does this leave us? How do we change? We know stereotypes are wrong, but—damn it—somebody’s to blame for this all this bad stuff, right? What if we looked at it this way: It’s not because of women, men, religion, parents, feminism, the government, or the media that we’re in this position. It’s because of society’s attraction to violent, titillating, bizarre stories sparked by incident, fueled by myth, and spread by endless repetition.
For things to shift, both sexes need the willingness to see the advantage in moving beyond the stereotype. Doing so could be as simple as telling a few good stories. It’s a small act, but one with extreme personal power. Not stories about men who are always good, but kick-ass stories about men where a moral choice had to be made, and the real-life choice was the right one.
But are we ready to let go of the stereotypical big, bad wolf? In today’s “brand focused” marketplace, are we willing to expand the list of attributes that cling to men to include more competent (and, dare I say it, good) behaviors and strengths?
Doing so requires a belief in this fundamental truth: Though men aren’t saints, nor are they universally sinners. Like women, they aren’t necessary good at everything they do, but neither are they bad on every critical level. And though men and women don’t necessarily feel negatively toward the men in their everyday lives, they still to varying degrees fear and make fun of men in general. Sometimes they don’t know why, or even that they’re doing it.
Which brings me back to the day my young friend pointed out how much “bad stuff” he saw in the paper. As I sat there taking in the enormity of his comment, I knew I could let the moment pass, or I could give him something to hold on to. And so I told him a story from my own life:
Many years ago, a man saved my life at great risk to his own. He didn’t have to, he just did. I was headed south from Mexico City toward the Guatemalan border when the rickety bus we were riding in came to a shuddering stop in the middle of the night. The bus was hours behind schedule to begin with now here we were—stuck in the middle of a tropical jungle. Any kind of help, I was told, wouldn’t come before dawn.
Most of the passengers were farmers traveling with crates of chickens and baskets filled with goods from the market. (Someone even brought a goat.) On a better day, I would have thought it high adventure. But that day, I was sick and my fever was beginning to spike. All I wanted was to get to my destination—a small fishing village on the coast.
The truth is, I probably shouldn’t have been on that bus at all. When I told some locals I met along the way where I was going, they tried to convince me this “milk run” was a bad idea. There were banditos along the way, and they said the market for American women wasn’t just a rumor. It was reality. Besides, they argued, there were more direct routes, and more reliable buses. “No matter what happens, don’t leave the bus until you get where you’re going,” they yelled as I waved goodbye. Even so, when the bus stalled, all that registered as an immediate danger were the blood-sucking bugs.
During the early hours of the trip, I’d spent time talking to a music student from the Universidad in Mexico City. He had thick, black hair that fell to the middle of his back, something you didn’t see much on local boys. He was headed home to visit his family, and he told me breakdowns on this route were nothing new. “You can come with me or you can stay here by yourself,” he said as he stepped off the bus and headed—along with everyone else—up a narrow path that cut through the tangled growth. A few minutes later, we came to a clearing with a small shed at the far perimeter.
I was traveling light, with just a small daypack and a bedroll. “You sleep against the shed,” the student said. He rolled his blanket out beside mine and we settled in. Sick and feverish, the roaring in my ears intensified with the sounds of the night. I had no idea how much time passed before I felt his body pressing down on mine, felt the heavy mass of his hair as it covered my face, felt the sweat from his body seep into mine. I wanted to throw him off—fight back—but I willed myself not to move. Surrounded as I was by strangers who had no reason to come to my aid, to be raped or killed seemed the obvious outcome. I asked only that my fear render me unconscious and keep me there until dawn—or until whatever was going to happen, happened.
The next thing I knew the sun was up. I sat up and looked around, and it was not a peaceful scene. Scattered about were the remains of the baskets. Some of the chickens, now free of their crates, pecked at the dirt in search of a meal. God knows what happened to the goat. Most of the farmers had moved their blankets into the shade. The student lay on his beside me, his eyes on mine.
Only then did I look down. My clothes hadn’t been touched. I had not been raped. I was alive. I was still on my blanket on that small piece of dirt in front of the rough wooden shed in some unknown—but very beautiful—spot the jungle.
“I was worried they would find you and take you and kill me for hiding you,” the student said quietly. “I was scared.” The banditos had come; banditos with machetes looking to replenish their supplies and whatever else they could find.
Slowly, I also came to realize this young man saved my life. He did so with his body and his veil of long hair; in his act of spontaneous bravery, he had risked his own life. He didn’t have to do it. He just did. Another bus arrived a few hours later, and we went on our way.
“Wow, that was something,” my young friend said when I’d finished the story. He was clearly impressed.
“You see,” I told him, “men do good things. It’s as simple as that.
Have a good story about men? Dare to tell it.
About Victoria Medgyesi
Thanks for an interesting article Victoria…. I never really thought about “hype” that way before. It may have something to do with the fact that news in general, not just news about men, is generally negative. What is that about? It just seems train wrecks are more captivating than flowers…
While this is true, there are trends that the news tends to follow that you will likely start to notice once made aware of it. You will find that stories about positive actions will ether refer to the women who did the positive thing, or the [insert job title here]. Rarely will you see an article about the men who did good. You’ll likewise see a similar thing with victims of tragedies. When a mine collapses and kills dozens of MEN (as happened recently), you will hear reports of the [miners] buried, the [victims] who died, and the [people] injured. Alternatively, you will often see articles specifying women (and children), such as “a raid on XXX building resulted in 24 deaths, including XX women and children” (thus letting you know of the important deaths, and that men, the unidentified gender, was the correct ones to die.
That said, this article doesn’t restrict her position to just news. TV also presents men in the negative constantly. Men are the bumbling idiot fathers, the abusers, the rapists or, at best, the moral cop with anger issues and a savior complex. The only time a father is ever portrayed in a positive light is when he’s struggling to cope with the mothers death and raising the child on his own. When violence is committed on TV or in movies, it is against men. In the few occasions it is against women, it is the focus of the plot (who dun it or cause for revenge), or else is it against the female lead, and is intended only as a device to get her prepared to kick ass. There are exceptions, but they are exceedingly rare, and often rather unique (think asian girl killing herself against a purely defensive chris tucker in rush hour)
@Henry, this is all very anecdotal evidence you’re presenting, and I don’t much see the use of it to this discussion. There is plenty of literature to suggest that all-female boarding schools, for instance, are also more egalitarian and actually much more masculine. Also, your assertion that women “prefer men who are more stereotypically male” runs contrary to evidence that women prefer feminine qualities in their mates. There are certainly differences between men and women, but proving which are nature and which are nurture is so complicated as to be typically futile.
This is a fascinating article, though I do think the truth is more complicated than you’re describing (of course– this is just one article!). I think there are really just as many good stereotypes about men as bad ones; it’s just that because men in general have been (and are being) brought to task over sexism, men are insecure, and are both sheepish about their manliness and feel the need to assert it. There are plenty of Dumb Dads on TV– Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, the guy from Knocked Up, etc– who are patiently cared for by their attractive, perfect wives. However, who actually gets to be the better CHARACTER? Who is funnier and more memorable? That is worth just as much, and the answer is, inevitably the men; the women aren’t nearly as funny unless they are the butt of the jokes. The women get to be perfect, but not interesting.
It’s akin to the current trend in action movies where the woman is very capable and it’s made a show of, and the man is, initially, weak, a nerd, awkward, antisocial, etc. etc.. However, throughout the movie the man is “reformed,” typically by caring for the woman, and ends up kicking all the ass and (more often than not) saving the woman’s life. (This happens with portrayals of white people, too; see Dances With Wolves, Avatar, ad nauseum.)
This is both a deceptively good stereotype and a deceptively bad one. It’s double-edged for men, because it reinforces insecurities that they are not allowed to deal with often enough in our current climate. Historically, societies have defined masculinity as everything femininity is not– whatever femininity might be. If men are strong, women are weak. If men write poetry, women are not sensitive enough to be capable of it. If men are civilized, women are irrational and have out of control sex drives that must be contained. Etc., etc. What needs to happen is men need to be able to get over it and be people, but how can they do that when they’re being told that they must be masculine on one hand and that masculinity is bad on the other? It’s tug of war, and they’re the rope.
You just spent a few hundred words pigeonholing men, calling them inferior, decrying the evils they commit. You deny and argue against anything that might speak not highly, but just non-negatively of men. In short you presented males as less than human, and then proceed to say “What needs to happen is men need to be able to get over it and be people”
Actually, this person is talking about the messages men receive. They did not say “men need to get over it and be people”, but rather that is the sort of message they get in current media. They are in fact, being sensitive to the double-edged sword that men can face
Just by way of perspective, isn’t MOST of the news about bad things happening, whether men are responsible or not? It’s not like the newspaper combines stories about evil men making the world worse and wonderful women making the world better.
You haven’t seen much news, then, have you?
It’s usually pretty obvious. They’ll cover a disaster like Haiti and follow the men helping out saying “this creates an open opportunity for rapists and pedophiles, so the situation is still very dangerous.”
Then they’ll cover a story about a woman getting a promotion, and talk about “The brilliance of this woman to overcome the challenges of modern womanhood.” Or better yet, they’ll laugh at castration, or give comments like “so have the statistics finally shown that women are smarter?”
And as I recall, there was a story about some hero in Iraq, but the story was interrupted by Hillary Clinton losing her shoe while walking up the stairs to work.
Probably because… it is a challenge for a woman to develop a career, especially in a corporate sense or any other largely male-dominated area since not long ago, at least in the U.S., women were expected greatly to stay home and tend to the house and children only, whether or not they wanted to get married into such a life.
And nearly 100% of rapists are males. It is already happening at such a large scale, it is so common, even though it’s illegal. So imagine putting a natural disaster or other catastrophe that puts life into more chaos, people take advantage of it. So it’s an actual reality.
You’re clearly not familiar with the CDC’s study on intimate partner and sexual violence if you’re going to assert that rape is nearly 100% male committed. It is simply that rape committed by men is the only rape that matters to our society.
As to your first paragraph, you are creating an excuse for the outcomes, trying to justifying it. But that is not the same as it not happening. You may be OK with society browbeating men, but that’s part of the problem.
Just by way of perspective, did you notice her article wasn’t limited to the news, but of how men are portrayed in all the various media?
I choose not to define myself as a “good man”, because all too often it can be translated as “man who does things that only benefit women”. If women describe me as a “bad man” because of that, so be it.
Better to be hated for what you are then loved for what you are not.
I don’t see much benefit to being hated for what you are.
Thank you so much for this article! I wish I had more to say, but you basically wrote all of it!
There was never a time in human history where the “bad things men do” were ignored.
You beat me to it. It’s actually the opposite.
Here is an article I read on Jezebel a few weeks ago. It is about a research study that paints a picture somewhat contrary to what the author and many commenters seem to feel is the case:
http://jezebel.com/5914173/tv-makes-girls-feel-like-crap-about-themselves-but-does-wonders-for-white-boys
Your standards for research are very low, as are your requirements for what qualifies as a reliable source.
Here is a link to the fulltext PDF:
http://www.kristenharrison.org/uploads/8/7/1/3/8713266/communication_research-2012-martins-338-57.pdf
Yeah, the article was reported on Jezebel, but despite such a handicap the science seems ok. The type of social communications explored in the article is not my field of study, but the authors do a good job of laying out the theoretical framework of what they’re trying to investigate.
The biggest problem is that it doesn’t look to be randomly controlled in that they did not “assign” certain amounts of TV watching to people. Depending on the social theory involved this isn’t an entirely damning observation since one can control for a lot of social factors (socio-economic status, race, etc.) that might cause noise. This does mean that the research is not “conclusive,” but it might be enough to give us a rather strong warning/concern, especially if we see similar observations all over the place.
I have also noted that the media is full of male hating articles. They have stooped so low that similar actions by both the gender are reported differently, they praise women for doing a particular act while criticize men for doing same thing – http://www.lifenstory.com/frmViewStory.aspx?C1=184
Men are also victims of domestic violence but the world thinks that such thing does not exist, I request everyone suffering such abuse to come out and let the world know what you are going through as silently suffering will not solve the problem but only make it worse. – http://www.lifenstory.com/frmViewStory.aspx?C1=182
Hype? I don’t really find it hype at all. Although yes, news is generally negative, I didn’t need the news to have my life experience filled with bad men. And most of them were not friends, or any other closer relationship than stranger.
People abuse power when they have it. Nothing is more powerful right now than a straight, white, cis-male (passing or actually).
Mash that up however you want it, take out the white, the straight, whatever. We live in a patriarchy.
“dare” to tell the story? That implies there’s some risk. Don’t think so.
I suppose the cumulative effect of the cumulative effect is inescapable, but most men I know or know of don’t pay any attention. Oh, they know it exists. But it’s meaningless to them. Since nobody they know is dumb and evil, or if they are, there are other men who take care of business, it’s meaningless as to having an effect on them.
Except to muse that the advertisers work very hard and spend a great deal of money to appeal to a specific target market. And who’s supposed to be buying the stuff marketed in the dumb-guy ads? Got to wonder about that.
I’ve seen it often, and not sure who to attribute the quote to, but it is said “a society that treats it’s men despicably will inevitably raise despicable men”.
This has come about as a result of attempts to level the playing field for women. Tear men down in order to raise women up. I know many feminists will take offense to this, but I point to Dworkin and her assertions about men, male sexuality, and heterosexual sex. This isn’t an assertion that all feminists are like this, only that some feminists took this route and it has stuck. Add to that the resistance to the idea that men can be discriminated against, or victims of some kind of systemic negativity, and you have a scenario where men are reflected on poorly and aren’t able to raise attention to it without being called whiners, humorless, misogynists or “afraid of losing their privilege”.
PS, you can see examples of my last sentence in this very comments section.
Here’s one that just showed up in the newspaper
http://news.yahoo.com/man-saves-mystery-cabbie-during-storm-205904928–abc-news-topstories.html
There are also the 4 men who died protecting women in the recent batman shooting.
Mark.
Ref the Batman shooting: IIRC, the guys did not receive universal approbation. Problem is…if they did good, that’s the standard. And who wants to live up to that standard? You could be killed!
I will agree that the guys did not receive universal approbation, and I think that’s the problem. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging when men do heroic stuff, as a sign of man’s potential. But I will agree with you that it has become the standard. An expectation. A man is expected to use his body as a shield to save the life of a woman. We’re told “that’s what a real man does”. The irony being that those who say that’s what it means to be a real man are often the same ones that say men are all Schrodinger’s rapist. It’s not wrong to recognize people for their heroic actions. For their self sacrifice that THEY choose to make. But it is wrong to pretend that’s the norm, the expectation. After all, if that’s just the everyday expectation, what does one need to do to be a hero? For a women, it’s pointing a finger at an alleged rapist. But a man… even giving away his life for another is only what’s expected.
So I partially agree and partially disagree with what I interpret as your position. Sad part is, the guy who ran out of the theater and left his girlfriend behind got more attention than the 4 men who died saving other peoples lives.
Mark. Clearly, that’s not the norm. As Peggy Noonan said, the guy who punched the shark–and was killed–to save his wife doesn’t get nearly the applause a Woody Allen type would get for a humorous reflection on not punching the shark.
And I didn’t say it should be the norm. I said that if we give these guys universal approbation, it becomes the norm and there are some guys who are afraid of such a standard. You could get killed.
And, as a culture, we get to choose our norm. Some think self-sacrifice is a minimum standard in such situations. Others don’t.
My own feeling is that, if I thought quickly enough, I’d do it. I’ve done several things which could have gone wrong and gotten me killed, but which went right. But I knew the risks going in. So I think I would, given sufficient mental acuity to assess the situation.
Given that, if I failed, I’d reproach myself, and I would reproach anybody else who bailed. Like the guy who got hold of himself halfway home as you mentioned. I think–I hope–he’s an object of fascination like any deformed part of nature. Not a valid behavior choice.
Perhaps you should read the comments section of those types of articles and see just how many people think it IS the norm. The expectation of what a “real man” is… and how few actually rail against that view.
Let me ask you… WHY doesn’t the guy punching the shark to save his wife get as much of an applause as the Woody Allen humorous reflection? Perhaps it’s because what the guy did is what was expected of him, and isn’t seen as anything special?
And while it bothers me to think that this is what is expected of men (but what makes a woman something incredibly special? so much for equality), it likewise bothers me the idea that these people’s should sacrifices, their risks, should be ignored as if they were everyday actions and expectations. Or as if they were some horrible thing to have done. What those people did was special. It was dangerous, but they did it anyways for the potential to save another’s life. They should be recognized as doing something out of the ordinary, and the current system of seeing it as the norm, and your system of ignoring it to avoid becoming the norm… nether of these works for me.