Can men find spaces to be vulnerable?
When we think of vulnerability – showing sadness, fear, doubt, worry, and emotion come to mind. A man crying and displaying actions that many people don’t associate with men. For some, being vulnerable and not stoic can invite ridicule. Society tells men not to cry or be a burden to his woman. He must move on from it. In Louis Theroux’s documentary “Inside the Manosphere,” one young man said , “Being a man is about suffering.” When I heard that, I asked myself, “Why?”
Today’s man does not have very many places that he can go, take a deep breath, and just unload. Yes there is the gym, the basketball court, the bar, or even time with your friends, but in those places, they require a man to “wear the man suit” and walk in this toughness. There is a fatigue of having to always be “On” and admit you are not “good.” That does not take strength, but trust in that if I tell someone this, I will not be name called or shamed. There is a prison that men are in, not being able to bare who they truly are or how they feel, but to regulate emotion to the home team losing a nail-biter, being pissed off at bad news, or a relative passing. That is it.
For me, vulnerability has always been pretty easy. Growing up, my Brother and I were encouraged to display our feelings and talk about what is going on with us. He and I never heard “Boys don’t cry” or “Toughen up.” We were free to be sad, to express uncertainty, and show emotion. When I went outside of my family though, I saw a different reaction to vulnerability. Boys and men were encouraged to be hard and tough. “When you out here in the real world, no one cares about a man’s pain. He has to suck it up” is what I was told by older men. More importantly he told me “Never cry or be weak in front of your woman. She will never respect you.” That one hit me and resonated in my life for a while. What if I expressed sadness or uncertainty to my girlfriend? Will she not see me as a man?
A few years back, I was listening to a conversation about masculinity and vulnerability on Clubhouse, the audio app that allows people to join “rooms” and participate in discussions. The moderators of the group had asked, “Do you show vulnerability in front of your girl?” The majority of the men answered with a resounding “No.” One person said, “As a man, I have to show her leadership and strength. She has to know I can handle things.” Another man said, “If she sees me crying, she may lose respect for me.” Confused, I asked, “So a man cannot show emotion to his partner? We have to hold it on it? Someone replied to my question, “We should practice stoicism.” After that exchange, I walked away thinking “Why are we imprisoning ourselves? This doesn’t and won’t equate to a healthy mental practice. However, I had to ask myself, “Can we show emotion to our partners and not be shamed or looked as “Less of a man?”
In all of my relationships, I have expressed the gamut of emotions – sadness, fear, doubt, happiness, loss, satisfaction, and I have almost always found a space that was safe. I didn’t need to hide my tears or “Hold it in.” Many of my partners have encouraged me to talk about and show how I feel. There has only been one instance that I was met with negativity, almost disgust. One day while hanging out with a girlfriend, I was talking about the relationship between my Grandfather and I. I explained to her that he encouraged me to cry and to not “Hold anything in.” When I told her this, my former partner shot a look of disapproval. She responded to my story, “I don’t know if I could handle that.” That hit me hard. My heart almost dropped. I immediately changed the subject. If I did not have the foundation that was laid by family, telling me feelings are okay, I would have bottled up everything in any future relationships.
I have heard similar stories of men expressing vulnerability to their girlfriends or wives, only to be rejected. Fearing guys have said, “If I tell my lady how I feel, she may lose respect for me”, “Being the leader in the family, I cannot show weakness”, or “What if she doesn’t see me the same?” While we can say, “If you cannot cry or show vulnerability to your partner, then you are with the wrong person,” how many men believe they can? These responses are in the same mold, “Don’t be weak” or “Boys don’t cry,” they stifle men, but they are a different kind of fear – the inability to express fully how we feel to our spouse.
Some men also fear their expressions of vulnerability being weaponized against them. I had a conversation with a man a fear years ago and he told me of an instance. “I had an argument with my lady and she threw shit back in face I told her in confidence years ago. It hurt me and later she apologized, but that made me become more hesitant in what I shared.” I spoke with Brent Freeman, an author and thought leader who holds workshops on joy and vulnerability, and he said during our conversation, “I can talk about anything with my girlfriend, but I feel at times, she cannot handle me being vulnerable.” This is not to have a dig at the women in our lives, but to merely ask, “If I cannot bare my feels to my romantic partner, who can I do it with?”
This is not an indictment of women creating a world that forces men to be “strong all the time”, but pointing out how the systems of sexism and hyper masculinity have stripped men of the permission to feel. As I have mentioned earlier, this prison that we live in as men is so confining. Masculinity is beautiful – I love it, but it can’t be just one way. Masculinity has to be opened up to allow men to be susceptible to every range of emotion there is.
Today, if men cannot find places to be vulnerable, then we must create our own. These are more than our usual third spaces of the gym or the bar, but areas that men can truly let our hair down (or in my case, lack there of hair) and be honest and open. Examples I have seen are weekly breakfast meetings, new father gatherings, queer men meetups, men’s circles, and types of gatherings for men. The men in these groups bounce parenting ideas off of each other, trade house and gardening building trips, and confide with each other. They are creating community with one another, finding spaces where we can express how we feel with one another. Realizing how important and necessary it is for us to be in place that is safe for us to be us, whole.
In 2023, the CDC published a study that found men make up a staggering 80% of suicides in America. This is an alarming number; men taking their own lives is an public health matter that has to be addressed. There needs to be encouragement from parents, teachers, family members, mentors, friends, and romantic partners that it is not only okay to open up, but necessary. Men and boys expressing their feelings should be viewed as normal, not shameful. Professor Scott Galloway talks of the “Male loneliness epidemic” creating an asocial male that is isolated from everyone. If there is not a sea change in society of how men can feel, then I fear the number of men taking their own lives may increase.
As I cascade into my next decade, I am hopeful for the next generation of men that are finding vulnerability to not be scary, but essential. Being vulnerable, expressing your feelings and talking about what the fuck is wrong with you, and what is going on with you, is human. Men need the space to do that, to find the people that will allow them, and I hope we continue to do so.
—
iStock image
