How did we go from ignoring the bad things men do to talking about them all the time? Victoria Medgyesi explores the cultural—and personal—cost of ignoring the obvious.
It took the 14-year old son of a friend to point out the obvious. “I don’t see many good stories about men,” he said, browsing through a newspaper.
“So how does that make you feel?” I asked.
“Not very good,” he replied, as he flipped through pages filled with stories about pedophiliac priests, teenage boys who kill, financial swindlers, sadistic dictators, pimps, homophobic politicians who sleep with men, soldiers who rape, online sexual predators, serial killers, boyfriends who batter, celebrities who cheat, men who kidnap and imprison kids, and fathers who molest, kill, or abandon their families.
Prior to his not-so-innocent remark, I hadn’t thought much about how the daily barrage of negativity affects the way men and boys feel about themselves—and about other men. Neither had I asked how such sensationalized stories affect the way women and girls relate to fathers and sons, friends and lovers, husbands, teachers, colleagues, or to any man or boy they pass on the street. And that’s when it occurred to me. I was so used to mucking around in the “bad man hype” that I couldn’t see the dirt clinging to my boots. I soon discovered I wasn’t alone. So far have the scales tipped in the negative direction that many people laughed when told them I was looking for “good stories about men.”
“Are there any?” was a typical reply. It made sense. After all, the negative news comes at such a furious pace we barely notice when one horrific tale ends and another begins.
Though men clearly do plenty of bad and stupid things, has our global quest for truth and justice caused us to automatically expect the worst from them? Could the non-stop negativity in fact be contributing to the very behaviors we’d like to see eradicated?
The barriers to asking that question—let alone discussing it—are huge.
Cultural inertia is strong impediment to progress. The media clings to the tried and true—even if it’s usually far from the truth. Men are typecast as bad, silly, or incompetent. Who hasn’t laughed at the dumb dad or the dimwit boss featured on television? In advertisements, these guys can be found cluelessly pitching
everything from frozen pies to detergent. Films and electronic games make the most of male-induced gore. The same is true for news and opinion shows. So, is the stereotype setting the commercial tone—or vice versa? Given the onslaught of negativity, could some men simply be living up to the message?
Maybe you’re thinking, “You’re talking about entertainment. I can tell the difference between that and real life. It doesn’t affect the way I think or feel about men.” Don’t bet on it. While it’s no longer necessary to prove that stereotypes such as “blacks are lazy” and “women are bitches” are harmful, it’s not necessarily the case when it comes to stereotypes about men. Most stand without comment, and we seldom ask why.
Over the past fifty years, we’ve gone from ignoring many of the bad things men do to talking about them all the time. So why aren’t we talking more about how this “shift” affects both genders?
For one thing, many men are in denial. “Nah, stereotypes don’t affect me,” they say, perhaps believing that personal power, education, money, or skin color will protect them from the fallout. Others get it. “Does a fish notice it’s swimming in water?” a male friend told me. “For men, these stereotypes have always been there. We just keep paddling around the deep end trying to survive.”
The truth is, stereotypes respect no one. If one in a group is suspect, all are. The stakes rise when gender stereotyping is paired with additional cultural baggage related to a person’s ethnicity, sexual preference, age, or disability.
So, where does this leave us? How do we change? We know stereotypes are wrong, but—damn it—somebody’s to blame for this all this bad stuff, right? What if we looked at it this way: It’s not because of women, men, religion, parents, feminism, the government, or the media that we’re in this position. It’s because of society’s attraction to violent, titillating, bizarre stories sparked by incident, fueled by myth, and spread by endless repetition.
For things to shift, both sexes need the willingness to see the advantage in moving beyond the stereotype. Doing so could be as simple as telling a few good stories. It’s a small act, but one with extreme personal power. Not stories about men who are always good, but kick-ass stories about men where a moral choice had to be made, and the real-life choice was the right one.
But are we ready to let go of the stereotypical big, bad wolf? In today’s “brand focused” marketplace, are we willing to expand the list of attributes that cling to men to include more competent (and, dare I say it, good) behaviors and strengths?
Doing so requires a belief in this fundamental truth: Though men aren’t saints, nor are they universally sinners. Like women, they aren’t necessary good at everything they do, but neither are they bad on every critical level. And though men and women don’t necessarily feel negatively toward the men in their everyday lives, they still to varying degrees fear and make fun of men in general. Sometimes they don’t know why, or even that they’re doing it.
Which brings me back to the day my young friend pointed out how much “bad stuff” he saw in the paper. As I sat there taking in the enormity of his comment, I knew I could let the moment pass, or I could give him something to hold on to. And so I told him a story from my own life:
Many years ago, a man saved my life at great risk to his own. He didn’t have to, he just did. I was headed south from Mexico City toward the Guatemalan border when the rickety bus we were riding in came to a shuddering stop in the middle of the night. The bus was hours behind schedule to begin with now here we were—stuck in the middle of a tropical jungle. Any kind of help, I was told, wouldn’t come before dawn.
Most of the passengers were farmers traveling with crates of chickens and baskets filled with goods from the market. (Someone even brought a goat.) On a better day, I would have thought it high adventure. But that day, I was sick and my fever was beginning to spike. All I wanted was to get to my destination—a small fishing village on the coast.
The truth is, I probably shouldn’t have been on that bus at all. When I told some locals I met along the way where I was going, they tried to convince me this “milk run” was a bad idea. There were banditos along the way, and they said the market for American women wasn’t just a rumor. It was reality. Besides, they argued, there were more direct routes, and more reliable buses. “No matter what happens, don’t leave the bus until you get where you’re going,” they yelled as I waved goodbye. Even so, when the bus stalled, all that registered as an immediate danger were the blood-sucking bugs.
During the early hours of the trip, I’d spent time talking to a music student from the Universidad in Mexico City. He had thick, black hair that fell to the middle of his back, something you didn’t see much on local boys. He was headed home to visit his family, and he told me breakdowns on this route were nothing new. “You can come with me or you can stay here by yourself,” he said as he stepped off the bus and headed—along with everyone else—up a narrow path that cut through the tangled growth. A few minutes later, we came to a clearing with a small shed at the far perimeter.
I was traveling light, with just a small daypack and a bedroll. “You sleep against the shed,” the student said. He rolled his blanket out beside mine and we settled in. Sick and feverish, the roaring in my ears intensified with the sounds of the night. I had no idea how much time passed before I felt his body pressing down on mine, felt the heavy mass of his hair as it covered my face, felt the sweat from his body seep into mine. I wanted to throw him off—fight back—but I willed myself not to move. Surrounded as I was by strangers who had no reason to come to my aid, to be raped or killed seemed the obvious outcome. I asked only that my fear render me unconscious and keep me there until dawn—or until whatever was going to happen, happened.
The next thing I knew the sun was up. I sat up and looked around, and it was not a peaceful scene. Scattered about were the remains of the baskets. Some of the chickens, now free of their crates, pecked at the dirt in search of a meal. God knows what happened to the goat. Most of the farmers had moved their blankets into the shade. The student lay on his beside me, his eyes on mine.
Only then did I look down. My clothes hadn’t been touched. I had not been raped. I was alive. I was still on my blanket on that small piece of dirt in front of the rough wooden shed in some unknown—but very beautiful—spot the jungle.
“I was worried they would find you and take you and kill me for hiding you,” the student said quietly. “I was scared.” The banditos had come; banditos with machetes looking to replenish their supplies and whatever else they could find.
Slowly, I also came to realize this young man saved my life. He did so with his body and his veil of long hair; in his act of spontaneous bravery, he had risked his own life. He didn’t have to do it. He just did. Another bus arrived a few hours later, and we went on our way.
“Wow, that was something,” my young friend said when I’d finished the story. He was clearly impressed.
“You see,” I told him, “men do good things. It’s as simple as that.
Have a good story about men? Dare to tell it.
About Victoria Medgyesi
The banditos were men, right? And those newspaper stories aren’t fictional.
I’m interested to know what detergent and frozen pie commercials featured men though, because I’ve seen maybe two ads for cleaning products that had men in them. And guess who makes the commercials.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLi1s0vzOrk&feature=relmfu
What’s your point Anne? Do you believe the hype in the media? Your cynical, contrary and coy comments strengthen the author’s view. Unless I missed your point as you missed hers, it would seem that you’re making a case for perpetuating stereotypes and fear mongering, which the media in turn further exploits.
Since the banditos were men and there are true newspaper articles about bad men why not lump all men together? Because it creates a culture of self-fulfilled prophecies for yet another generation of young men and because it’s wrong, counter intelligent and like all stereotyping, overall unhelpful.
Kudos to Ms. Medgyesi for opening the window and letting a bit of fresh air in.
Thanks, Aaron, for the insights. Stereotypes may have a grain of truth in them, but that truth may be really old. It may have been true in the past or true for certain members of certain groups, but rarely do they actually reflect present realities. As Ms. Medgyesi points out, the “bad man” hype takes away men’s humanity because it flattens out the multi-dimensional quality of men as humans. Men, and women, are never either one or the other, not all women are victims and not all men are scary.
“We talk about [the bad things men do] all the time?” Who’s we? I’m not buying this. There are plenty of good men showcased in the culture as well. Think of that guy who jumped in front of a subway train to save a stranger; Captain Scully; all the soldiers and firemen and policemen who turn up in news stories.
The fact is that news, to some extent necessarily, deals more with the bad things people do than the good, while in fiction, villains male and female drive plots and are often the most interesting characters.
Unless men are being kept out of the news media, television, radio and movie industries, and positions of power in other arenas, I don’t think there’s any need to worry. And they ain’t.
That guy clearly made an impression, given have managed to identify him as simply “that guy”. But think about it for a second. If men weren’t generally seen as negative, “that guy who did a good thing” wouldn’t really be very descriptive. I don’t know who Captain Scully is.
As to all the Soldiers, firefighters and police officers (you will never see them written as XXmen)… they are job titles, not genders. When they are reported on, they are identified by those titles, ultimately stripping them of their gender into a generic person that could theoretically be ether sex. And that’s part of the problem. When men do bad, they are men. When men do good, they are [insert job title here]. When men are victimized, they are [insert non-gendered descriptor] or reclassified as not victims (read Obama’s mandate to identify any male killed by a drone strike as a militant).
I watch girls out-perform boys every day in high school classrooms, a clearly changed trend in my long teaching experience. We discuss gender roles in media, in literature and in reality, concluding that knowing ourselves is the most purposeful goal.
I’m not surprised boys perform poorly in discussing gender roles. Boys are in the odd position of being mostly unaware of them while still under pressure to live them.
I also think that knowing oneself as a male usually comes from real-life role-modeling rather than trying to visualize options in media, books, etc, that aren’t right there in front of them. That can be limiting or enriching, depending on the role models a boy has access to.
I wanted to add thanks for exploring the issue so thoroughly, Victoria. I will use your piece as a point of reference in our future classroom discussions.
Since we exist in a universe, in which men start all of the wars, control almost all religions, governments and resources, and commit the majority of crimes, we really don’t have much news space left to report any good news about men or boys, do we?
What is worse, is that women in the new media are rarely mentioned unless they are some powerful man’s wife,daughter, girlfriend, or mother.
Look at any website that features news and about 90% of the stories are about men in power. Stories about powerful women are increasingly rare. The only “Powerful women” being written about actually have very little power -Hillary Clinton, for example).
It is easy to see both sides of this debate. Fundamentally I believe that our culture is full of male hero’s and also of bad men. They both exist. The news media sells more by focusing on the horrific, and that is a problem for anybody looking at the media as a depiction of reality. Gathering a balanced perspective is harder for a young person, so the effect on a young man of reading all the awful stories is greater than it should be. As a woman, and the mother of a daughter (not a son) I would like to see more stories about powerful and good women also. Perhaps a story about Woman as Victim Myth? But this is the wrong magazine for that!
Sharon, I love the idea of the story about Woman as Victim Myth! And you are right about the media selling more about focusing on the horrific. And Victoria has a point – the bad man is hyped – because that, as you say, sells newspapers.
When I am in social situations with my friends and their wives, humorous putdowns of men are the fairest game of all. If you know the women well enough you can give them some guff back, but it really is true that if men are made fun of for being men and a man takes offense, they totally look like a jerk. (There are exceptions, I won’t go into the racial and nationality issues when it comes to humor).
So I sometimes wonder, if this is the norm, men are the butt of jokes about their failings and women generally aren’t, what does my son think when he hears this going on? I hope that he observes how I and most of the men I know try to take it good naturedly and not personally, but I can’t be sure he isn’t internalizing this reaction.
I do realize that it is a little whiney to complain as an American middle class man, I do know that I have an easier road than a lot of other groups of people do. BUT THAT IS THE SITUATION IN A NUTSHELL, as a man who does pay attention to social issues, I’m left in the position that if I stick up for the group I am a member of (middle class men) I sound whiney.
Somehow that doesn’t seem quite right as a social situation, and it seems kind of a wierd environment to raise my son in.
I find it ironic that you suggest you have an easier road than a lot of other groups while simultaneously telling us how, because of that attribute that allegedly gives you privilege, you are denied a voice or the option to defend yourself against ridicule. Now isn’t that a privilege to be envious of?
While there is a reality that men do “bad things” I am more interested in creating change. As a man committed to ending men’s violence against women, I know that men need to be part of the solution. I applaud highlighting men doing something good to counter the dominant story of how men behave. I want to see more example of men as active bystanders interrupt men’s violence, as role models for young men and boys on respecting women, as agents of change in their communities.
I read what i just wrote, and it seems whiney even to myself. And yes I do actually know that women are made fun of because they are women, but if they have the social skills, they can defend themselves more easily without sounding whiney, but I can’t think of anyway a man could put it that wouldn’t sound whiney.
Victoria I love this, specially the question by your 14 year old son (I have one of those too) and your story at the end. Truly my selfish reason for starting The Good Men Project was to meet men who would inspire me, who I thought were good in their own unique way. Since that time I have met many, many amazing men from NFL hall of famers to Sing Sing inmates to war correspondents. Each has shown me in a new way how to be heroic, how to be courageous, and how to be good. And as a result I have been changed for the better. That, in a nutshell, is what this whole thing is about. If I was changed, perhaps the reader can be too. Not in the same way, but in an equally important one. I am not good enough to tell anyone else how to be good, but I do know its important to ask the question and to listen to men’s stories.
What a refreshing piece! Long have I felt the same way. Along with David Lee, I believe the time has come for a positive change! As a mother of a beautiful baby boy, the wife of a very kind, sensitive and loving man, and the daughter of a wonderful man who continues to demonstrate virtue and perseverance, I am thankful for the blessings of having good, decent men in the world, and know that with work and action, damaging stereotypes can be changed. Thank you for this excellent site!! Keep up the good work!
Victoria, I think you are so right that men are stereotyped in our society. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say “typical man”. I can tell you that I work for a man in an all women’s department and we all love our boss. He is very easy going, but runs our department very efficiciently and brings so much positive energy to work everyday. He once told me he that he reaaly enjoys working with women which suprised me as an all women’s department is not always drama free as ours is. I guess we broke that stereotype!. I believe no person or group of people should be stereotyped as we are all unique Thanks for bringing this issue to our attention. Good Job!
Hello,
I felt that I need to say something. As GenX male, I have seen a generation of women outperform men. Some statistics for you specifically in education: http://www.metlife.com/assets/cao/mmi/publications/Profiles/mmi-gen-x-demographic-profile.pdf
At Berkeley I was the victim of intense sexism in many of my classes, add to this the racism which I palpable felt as early as four years old when I as an American born male was asked for a Green Card in preschool, never mind my perfect English and substantial IQ.
The reason I mention these issues, is to clarify that I there is some background to her article that bears examination. But more importantly, bad people are everywhere and bad males oppress other males as severely and even worse than females!
Do you want to know how many times I have been attacked by other man? As many or more times than any woman. This fact is rendered especially obvious by the fact that I associate with more men in larger groups and more competitive settings than any woman.
Add to this experience in all boys schools and other institutions. Finally I will add one more point which may not win me many admirers.
I have been abused equally by women. Before I continue please note that my mother, who has taught me more about duty than any man, was the first Indian woman in Yale medical school. But when she left my father, she also left my brother and me to be raised in a society bereft of institutions for us.
She left for the benefit of herself and the suffering of everyone else. Both her and my father are MDs and he was not abusive or poor. She left because she did not know how to deal with her choice of partners. There is much more I have to say, but I must go.
Please here me out,
Gouthum
A major force of perpetuating and even creating stereotypes and “exposing” and bombarding us with stories of bad men is capitalism. Men, corporations, TV stations, advertisers will say, do or report on anything that will make them money. Human nature is to be curious about everyone else, so we all eat up any stories with scandal, violence, corruption, etc. “If it bleeds, it leads” is the saying in the newsroom.
The problem becomes when people start believing the BS in the media. Remember the saying, “Don’t believe everything you read?” Well, in our information overload age, it should be “Don’t believe 90% of what you see, read or hear” There are two sides (or more) to every story, yet usually only hear one side which doesn’t represent reality, the truth or enlighten the consumer on the issues at hand.
If we want to stop the BS, then turn off the television, quit reading the gossip rags and stop supporting the money making media monster that we’ve created.
There are ‘bad’ men…and ‘heroes’…and the other 99 percent of us average people who just plug along…
Also, it occurs to me that Wall Street is mostly a male-dominated environment that doesn’t usually fall in the ‘bad” category, but should…
This is a rich discussion, and it would be impossible to respond to everything. On the “war” comment above (men start all the wars), remember that, if there were no women, there would probably be no wars. I’m pretty sure of this because in the only two mostly male environments I’ve been in (boarding school and the Army- 60s) there were few cliques. There was hierarchy, but it was fluid, and one could get higher status through effort. When I went to public high school, cliques abounded. And the terms of competition were more irrational and unfair. More labeling. Women had and have, by the way, more deft social skills, some of them aggressive ones. (Witness the high school clique-cruelty inflcted by women. None of this really changes among adults.) Women, unlike men, are likely to invent whole-cloth information about others to get them in trouble socially. Sometimes men wax very cruel to win women or the resources that will win them, but I believe that one thing we’re not facing is how much women have to do with male aggression– sometimes as instigators, sometimes as prizes.
In spite of feminism, which implicitly usually takes the view that men and women will change due to confrontation and education, male and female behavior is deeply ingrained, and probably sits on a biological substrate. When many men become stereotypically non-sexist, their agressive behavior goes underground and they get passive-aggressive and creepy much of the time. I can’t tell you the number of men I’ve seen trying to dominate women through faux-”feminism.” Also, women usually seem to perfer men who are more stereotypically male, in spite of protestations to the contrary.
So, I believe that the “men are evil” stereotype is essentially a projection of the “shadow,” as Jung might have it, on men by both women, who don’t choose to see their own aggression, and tractable men, who remain very aggressive, but are hiding it from themselves and women– trying to compete for women in a new way.
None of this is to argue that there shouldn’t be absolute social justice: equal opportunities for women, positions at the top, etc. (Recent research has shown that women are doing far better than supposed–see this month’s Harpers, e.g.) But women and men need a better understanding of who they are– naturally.
Wonderful article. You make a great point