Dear Izz,
The hardest thing to do, as a parent, is to let your kid go out into the world on his own, even if it’s just to to kindergarten. Dad and I may talk a tough game about loving that you guys are getting bigger, but if we’re honest, it’s pretty scary.
See, we were here before you. We remember when there was no you at all, and then one day we watched the teeniest flutter on a screen when you were just 9 weeks into being something other than ether. You were only a few millimeters long, but we already loved you.
And when you were born, you were a mysterious and helpless little lump who needed us so entirely that you weren’t even conscious of yourself as an entity yet. And that was a heady experience for Daddy and me. Never before had we known what it was like to create life, and suddenly you were here—both separate and a part of us.
Yesterday I watched you skip into school, eyes full of sparkle, so proud of your new glasses and haircut. We got you the same black Ray Ban frames that both Daddy and I wear, by far the coolest ones they had at Lens Crafters. We also got you a super short haircut just like the one Dad wears, so that your hair wouldn’t get in the way of your new specs.
All weekend long, our friends and family were enamored of your new look and told you how awesome you looked, how much you looked like Dad, so you felt really good about now being the second kid in your class with glasses.
But everything changed with one word from a boy in your class.
Nerd.
And your spark went dark.
“Mom, I thought ‘nerd’ just meant ‘smart’? Why did Billy say it to be mean?”
And so I explained it all to you. How some people think calling someone a nerd makes them seem cooler, but that nerds are the ones who do all the cool stuff that he loves. Nerds invented the iPad, discovered dinosaurs, have gone into space, and make the coolest movies. Nerds are the bosses, the ones who worked hard to get what they wanted, and who have the coolest lives as grown-ups.
You liked the idea of inventing the iPad, and of making a lot of money, and making cool movies like Star Wars. But you were still hurt.
And so I told you about the people who love you. Jake, Kian, Bebe and Franklin who are your best friends, who think you look cool in your glasses. Your cousin Petra who considers you her most trusted friend. Your brother who wants to be exactly like you in every way. Your aunts and uncles who love you like you’re their own child, your grandparents and mom and dad who would step in front of a bus at any moment to spare you pain.
And I told you to tell that kid Billy to mind his own business and find something better to do than be a jerk. But I know you won’t do that, because you’re too sweet and you don’t want anyone to be upset.
And there are also things I wish I could tell you that I know I can’t yet: That kids like Billy are messed up inside, that they have pain that is so great they don’t know what to do with it except be mean to other kids. That doesn’t give them a right to be mean to anyone else, but someone is hurting them, and that’s why they choose to be that way to you.
I can’t tell you this, but if you punched that Billy kid in the face, Daddy and I wouldn’t be mad. The fact that he took your spark of pride away from you makes him the lowest of the low in our book, and even though he’s just a kid, being knocked down a few pegs would serve him well.
Mom and Dad
I also can’t tell you this, but your dad has glasses and he got laid like crazy, well before he ever met me. I mean, more than you should probably ever know. He may have been the valedictorian of his graduating class, but that certainly didn’t stop him from dating the hottest girls.
I’m not saying that’s what you should do in your life, but if you can figure out how to adopt your daddy’s swagger, I guarantee you that kids like Billy are going to be tagging along after you, hoping to catch the tail end of the trail of women (or men, if that ends up being your thing) that will end up following you around.
And maybe you don’t want that, and will never have Dad’s too-cool-for-school aura or my big personality and no-bullshit attitude. That’s okay. We love you for who you are, and who you’re going to be.
The truth is, we don’t always understand you. When we were kids, we didn’t like the same stuff you like, and for some reason we continue to be surprised that you’re not a carbon copy of us. You’re a sensitive, curious, goofy guy who at 8 years old loves reptiles, rocks and video games more than skateboards or surfing. But we see you for who you are, and we think that’s great. Even though sometimes we have no idea what you’re talking about.
And know that Mom and Dad and your family love you, and we think you’re one of the most awesome human beings ever to be put on this earth. And be assured that we will fight for you, for your happiness, safety, and sense of self, for as long as we’re alive. Because you’re worth it, just for being the kid that you are.
Love, Mama
Also read:
15 Reasons It’s Better to Be a Kid Than a Grown-Up by Joanna Schroeder
6 Princess Books for Parents Who Really, Really Hate Princesses by Tom Burns
About Joanna Schroeder
Hi 5. I wear glasses, it’s annoying but it doesn’t make me a nerd or a geek, it just means I have astigmatism!
As a lifelong lover of nerds and geeks, and a parent, my heart goes out.
Not that you should share this with him, but I have always told my daughter that nerds and geeks are where it’s at. Once she got old enough I used my trademark phrase, “Those guys will tinker with your motherboard until they find an algorithm that makes it work.” Nerds and geeks are where it’s at. Totally.
(At least partly because they’ve had to spend their life dealing with insensitive bullying and bullshit stereotyping and are therefore less likely to do it themselves. This Billy kid is teaching your son exactly the things that will make him totally awesome. And it still sucks.)
Yeah the nerds get the girl in the end, after she’s had her fun with the other type of guys.
Dude… people aren’t divided into fixed categories. You have a strange worldview, or maybe you’re just wallowing in self-pity because the hot cheerleader isn’t interested in you. There’s plenty of smart girls, nerd girls, fun girls around, and if you stopped thinking of them as a big giant evil entity and saw them as individuals instead, it would be beneficial.
“At least partly because they’ve had to spend their life dealing with insensitive bullying and bullshit stereotyping and are therefore less likely to do it themselves. ”
Not always, sometimes it can be more passive aggressive but there are quite a lot of bullies during school who were bullied themselves, I bullied for a bit in year 6 or 7 trying to fit in and be cool, whilst I was being bullied by others. Later on I realized the impact n stopped it. Hell most of my bullies probably were abused at home or something….sometime has to give those kids such a need to control n hurt others.
Joanna! As soon as I saw the title on my email i was flippin-sht!
There’s nothing I can tell you about this that you don’t already know. You are much wiser then me on children’s emotional health. So again…I can offer no special angles or spin.
I just want to compliment you on handling it so well for Izz. He had one of those days that etched into his heart. But Izz has something many kids don’t — Parents who got his back! And he KNOWS he has parents who’ve got his back.
Maybe someday he’ll be able to pull Billy aside and privately tell him to keep his math and science grades up, and he may not have to work for me (Izz). If this becomes an escalating issue, I’d equip Izz with a stack of photos of very hot and famous guys who wear glasses. Let him place them down on Billies desk next time he needs to lash-out.
Why do these “make you stronger” experiences have to hurt so darned much? Hang in there great Mom!
Well said, Rob.
Hey, Izz…
You have great parents; listen to ‘em; but don’t hit the kid who’s givin’ you trouble. As your mom says, he’s probably already being hurt in some way, and he’s certainly jealous of and even a little bit of afraid of ya. I mean, you’re Different!
Everyone’s a little different, and then there are the Lucky Ones whose Difference just shows up in a brighter way. Hang in, kiddo; it gets better.
KO
Great thoughtful letter, Joanna!
Izz is a truly awesome and lucky little man…!
I got called a “brain” by my BFF, K., in 6th grade….I couldn’t understand why she was being so mean to me….and my other good friend, S., just told me that she must be jealous and to ignore it….
Anyway, I am still BFFs with K. and it turns out she is a “brain”, too….so is her kid now, too! In the grand scheme of life, it is very good to be a “brain” or a “nerd”….we shall inherit the earth!
Seriously, you are overreacting. A kid called your son a nerd. So what? Kids are mean sometimes. Billy is not messed up inside. He’s just a kid. I’m pretty sure your son sometimes says hurtful things to other kids, too. If Billy is regularly picking on your son it’s a different thing. But one stupid comment is just one stupid comment. Don’t make a big deal out of it, you are not doing your son a favor if you are overprotecting him.
ThomasM,
I am deeply and sincerely grateful that you are not parenting anywhere near my son’s community or school. That whole “kids will be kids” thing just won’t fly. Period.
Oh gosh, I did my civilian national service in a home for difficult children instead of serving in the army. While I was there a 11 year old attached a teacher with a bicycle chain. So my idea of a messed-up kid is probably different from yours or Joanna’s.
And it might actually be good for the kids in your community if someone gives them a little space instead of getting involved in every of their problems and conflicts.
But what happened to expecting a learning environment where children are not emotionally attacked and hurt? It CAN be done. The lazies just don’t want to bother.
@Rob
I think it’s a matter of balance. I’m not advocating for some Lord of the Flies scenario where children merciless emotionally and physically hurt each other. But dealing with emotional or physical pain is a learning experience, too. And no matter how sheltered children grow up sooner or later they will have to deal with it.
IMO, children will follow the lead of their caregivers, that is if you make a big deal of small things they will become a big deal for the children, too. Let me give you an example. Some time ago I was preparing dinner with my 8 year old niece and she cut herself. It was just a small wound with some blood, but naturally she freaked out and started to cry. So I taped her finger. Gave her a hug, told her it’s no big deal and that I cut myself countless times. Then I told her to continue helping me with the dinner. A few minutes later she was already smiling again.
@ThomasM:
If it hurt, it hurt…and for a reason. Some boys are more sensitive that others. I was an open-nerve of sensitivity till the Summer I turned 8. Izz, from all I have gathered, is likewise a sensitive boy.
Not all mothers are created the same either. Some are very engaged and attuned to their children’s emotional states. Some are mother lions and will let you know it in clear terms.
Calling someone a “nerd” is purely an emotional attack. Kids do that, or say that in order to hurt the perceived weaker kid. There’s no need for that crap anywhere…but it certainly ought to be verboten in schools. Its bull crap and not welcome. It tells kids they cannot be themselves without harsh condemnation from the Billies of the world.
A beautiful piece, Joanna.
Great article! It sounds like you handled the situation like a champ.
Joanna, I hope your son sheds the nerdiness and grows up to be a good looking, confident, charming man who is desirable to women. I hope he grows up to be the kind of men they really want.
Why wouldn’t a mother wish for this for her son?
Nerdiness is what women want. Sometimes they don’t even bother with stopping by the football cheerleader show first… Women and men are getting a whole lot smarter this generation. They don’t take their cues from their parent’s fucked up social priorities any more.
I want my son to be truly happy. And in his happiness, he will attract a person who loves him for who he is. Nerd or not.
Your letter was sweet. Achingly. Some children hear a different drummer, and the one’s who thrive seem to have parents who “let him step to the music which he hears”.
As far as romantic interest, I think the happiest people are happy with or without. Then, ironically, those people who can take or leave romance are usually quite good at it.
I think your son will be fine.
Kids need a moral compass, and anchor to windward, charts of safe waters and bad…and some other weird nautical metaphors.
Knee-jerk, mislabeling reactions are common when these stories go to ink, but “helicopter-mom” is one of the common ones. That’s way off-base however when a mom provides what you read about in this story.
The opposite end of the continuum is “ferrel child.” We usually end up dead, addicted or in prison.
Bravo! That was very well done!
^^^That was for Joanna.
Thanks Pesky
As the mom of two kids in junior high who both wear glasses, just like mom AND dad, and been dubbed band geeks, and get the best grades, let me say, now is the time to install in your child the sense of self-worth because it gets far worse in junior high.
Let them know that it’s fine to be smart, kind, sensitive and goofy, that who they are is who they are and if other people don’t like it, it is their problem and loss, not related to your child. Let them know that while you and the family love them, the reality is not everyone in the world will like them and that’s okay. We’re all unique and the people who like you are smart enough to see what an amazing person you are. Those are the ones to stick around, the kids with their heads on straight who have bright futures. You don’t need to worry about the opinions of others who don’t like you or won’t include you. They are just in that small group that’s going to miss out.
You’re doing a beautiful job of helping your child see that people lash out because often something is going on in their lives that you can’t see. You don’t know how many times my son has come home shaking his head and telling me about someone acting out only to follow it with,”There must be something really wrong. Kids who are happy don’t act like that.” And for my daughter who’s gone through the tough transition of losing long-time elementary friends to the “cool click” who no longer will give her the time of day because she’s an A student, a band geek playing trombone and co-captain of the dance team, she’s learned self-confidence and kindness have far more impact and attraction factor than who you hang out with or the brands you wear.
Is your child still going to feel hurt the first time these things happen? Absolutely. So be prepared. Does it get easier as their self-confidence grows? Yes. And when they cry and ask you why people are acting this way, be honest. You can’t control how other people behave. You can only control how you choose to respond and what you choose to do with it.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Damn you. :.-)
Will you adopt me?
Before you say no: I’m potty trained, I share my toys, I can give you sibling references that show that I’m a good brother, I have a job, and I come with my own transportation and my own health insurace coverage.
I will totally adopt you, wellokaythen. You’re in.
Whew! I was kidding about the letters of reference. I’m not sure I’d want my siblings to write letters of recommendation for me….
Great letter, Mom. Reminds me of a funny episode of Frasier where his son Frederick is called a dork and Frasier tells the bully: “That dork will be operating on your prostate one day!”
Great read. I remember when I got glasses, about 10 years old. I wear contacts now but still rock the thick frames every now and then.
Here’s a little photo I took to support Izz. I hope you can pass the photo along to him.
https://twitter.com/8BitDads/status/310072993789390850
Joanna,
You said this very well. He’s lucky to have you as a mom. You might also tell him that he’s a little bit lucky to be living in a time when NERDS RULE THE WORLD! We didn’t always.
Our kids’ school still has Nerd Day during Spirit Week. I enjoyed helping my daughter pick out a silly outfit that exaggerated what we wore in the 1980s for 80s Day, and I know it’s all in fun and not meant to be taken seriously. But it seems so backward and hurtful to poke fun at a stereotype of a smart, socially awkward person.