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Is leaving a wife—girlfriend, boyfriend or husband—the most insensitive thing a man can do?
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The portrayal of divorce and break-ups in TV, movies and magazines errs on the side of promoting the sad stories of women selfishly left behind by heartless men for younger, more supple new women. “How could he?,” we the outraged protest. “What about all the years she gave him?“
When Brad left for Angie, the quote heard round the social media sphere, and that lingers today even 6 children and a marriage later, was Jen’s famous line, “He is missing an sensitivity-chip.”
We as a culture have a soft-spot for the weak and the betrayed.
When I receive a call from a man who is considering divorce, I can predict with a fair amount of accuracy that without some tough introspective work in coaching or therapy his marriage will remain on autopilot until his wife finally decides she is ready to call it quits.
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We may not take much action on their behalf, but we love to talk about how much we care and how bewildered we feel by such cruelty. But is leaving a wife — or girlfriend, boyfriend or husband — really the most insensitive thing a man can do? Is it any more sensitive to either of your needs as human beings to continue living a miserable but coupled existence?
When I receive a call from a man who is considering divorce, I can predict with a fair amount of accuracy that without some tough introspective work in coaching or therapy his marriage will remain on autopilot until his wife finally decides she is ready to call it quits.
This is not because he is weak, controlled, p*ssy-whipped, lazy, greedy, or happy to simply carry on an affair.
It is because he is truly concerned for the welfare of his wife, his children, and yes, himself. That is OK, by the way. Men are allowed to be worried about their own physical, emotional and financial well-being just like women are. Just in case you were wondering.
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I have spoken with countless men who call to find out how they can leave their marriage without hurting their wife and children.
The following concerns arise most frequently:
1) They fear that they won’t be able to support two households, and that she won’t be able to find a job that will pay her enough to make ends meet on top of what he gives her in support. This is neither belittling nor greedy in any way. The concern is based on cold reality. Most couples I see, no matter how much they earn per year, are living exactly at or above their means. Two households are expensive and most people do experience a decreased standard of living following their divorce.
2) They fear that they won’t be able to see their children easily or often. Not because of the outdated concerns that they won’t receive 50/50 custody, but because they will have to work so many hours that even on their days with the children they will have to hire child care until they return. Even if they only see their children for an hour or two before bedtime 5 days per week while married, 5-10 hours per week is a lot more than 2-4 hours per week with a custody schedule.
Men are allowed to be worried about their own physical, emotional and financial well-being just like women are. Just in case you were wondering.
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3) They fear that their children will have to move out of the family home, leave their private school, pay their own way through college, withdraw from their insanely expensive team sports, and on and on. You can #firstworldproblems all you want, but that doesn’t change the heart of the matter, which is that dads love their children and do not want to hurt them any more than moms do.
4) They fear that they just haven’t been a good enough husband, lover, father, provider, companion, friend, confidante, or man, and that therefore they never will be for anyone else anyway. These men are racked with guilt, wondering what they could have done differently and if there is still something they can do now to make everything better for them all. Even if they don’t feel responsible for the relationship deteriorating, they feel responsible for having made a commitment they would rupture by calling it all to a close.
5) They fear they will be seen as “the bad guy” by their family, friends and children. Given Aniston’s famous quote and most pop culture headlines, can you really blame them?
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In the real world of divorce, men are far more often the one left than they are the leaver.
A recent study by Michael Rosenfeld at Stanford University confirmed that women initiate 69% of all divorces. Women asking for a divorce more often than men was no earth-shattering discovery. What was of particular note in this study, was the contrasting finding that in non-marital breakups men are equally like to initiate the end of a relationships as women.
Rosenfeld shared the following conclusion about this distinction with The Huffington Post:
“Women’s tendency to initiate divorce was well known but the gender neutrality I found for non-marital breakups was not….” That’s an important consideration, Rosenfeld said, because social scientists previously argued that women were more likely to initiate divorce simply because they were more sensitive to relationship difficulties…
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free“It supports the theory that sociologists refer to as ‘the stalled gender revolution,’ meaning that as much as women’s roles in society have changed, women’s roles within the families have changed very slowly,” he said, citing husband’s expectation for wives to do the bulk of the housework and childcare, even when both spouses work.
While Rosenfeld makes valid arguments that surely factor somewhat into the statistical findings, my concern is that he is misinterpreting a good chunk of the data to the detriment of far too many men by ignoring the the very real issues at play for men as mentioned above.
These men are racked with guilt, wondering what they could have done differently and if there is still something they can do now to make everything better for them all.
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Just as his findings can be interpreted to support the stalled gender revolution theory, they can easily support my theory that men ask for a divorce less often than women because as much as we don’t want to admit it, men are still by and large the primary breadwinners of the family and their concerns about the financial stability of their children, their wives and themselves weighs on them heavily, and not without reason.
As for the fact that married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men, it would be both narrow-sighted and wrong to assume that either a) the women are unhappy because of the men, or b) the men aren’t defining quality differently than the women, or even internally feeling guilty if they rate their satisfaction as too low.
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There two problems, then, that must be overcome.
- Assuming blame correlates to gender. We need to stop holding men any more to blame for leaving when a marriage is in desperate need of an end than we do women.
- Assuming that asking for a divorce is the worst thing a man can do to a woman. Men who stay in their marriages out of guilt are unlikely to actively engage in the kind of relationship behaviors that would increase a woman’s feelings of marital satisfaction.
Many women finally pull the plug after their husbands have engaged in passive-aggressive or even reckless behavior, consciously or unconsciously acting out on their desperation to be free. If we want men to understand that leaving is healthier for everyone than cheating, checking out emotionally, or burying himself in work, we can’t publicly castrate the men who do have the allegorical balls to say enough was enough.
No matter who asked for the divorce first — male or female — and no matter how the one who was asked for the divorce felt about it initially — shocked, angry, sad, devastated — I have yet to receive a phone call or note from anyone, the leaver or the left, once their divorce was final to say anything other than how much better off they are now and how happy they are to be out of their unhappy marriage.
Also by Arianna Jeret
Stock photo ID:852996412
So, this article sort of speaks to me except, it’s messed up with gender stereotypes. I don’t think this dynamic is gender-specific. A lot of people, gender notwithstanding, stay in relationships because they don’t want to ruin their partner’s life. I’m a lady who wants to end it, but husband threatened suicide when I told him I was going to move out. So, I’m still living with him and I’m still in the marriage – and I still don’t want to be – but the sense of guilt and concern about his well-being is getting me down. No kids. We… Read more »
I am concerned about how nonchalant this article is about divorce. People should not make a marriage commitment, unless they mean to keep it. Yes, I divorced my husband of 22 years because he wanted it. He claimed he was going through a mid life crisis. He tortured me for 18 months, before I gave up on him. Divorce is devastating to families. This is not a fallacy. I suffered from suicidal ideation and, almost a year later, am still fighting depression. My son is okay, but this has really hurt him. Finances are tight. Our whole world has been… Read more »
Would you prefer he stay there and be unhappy? I don’t see how I could be happy if the person I were with really didn’t want to be with me. Letting go is a painful, but freeing lesson. You let go, and you will find someone so happy to be with you. Believe it.
Me personally, I don’t want someone with me that doesn’t want to be. But if you asked me to marry you and I find out your cheating, that is the end of the marriage. No, if’s ands or but’s your out …forever.
Sounds like you’re still experiencing hurt, bitterness and resentment towards your ex husband for wanting yo end the marriage. Would you prefer he remain miserable with you?. Him being unhappy will bring you unhappiness, whether consciously or unconsciously. According to your comment that’s exactly what happened. We can’t control other people’s feelings or others happiness. There’s no telling how long he faked his unhappiness before he’d had enough of staying around in order to please you, it’s better for your kid to be FROM a broken home than to be IN one.
Nonsense, there should be work done to repair the marriage especially with kids involved. People are too quick to throw it away instead of working to improve the situation.
If you asked a woman to marry you, you just don’t up and leave for another woman. You need to know if your unhappy you need to communicate that seriously and the wife needs to listen, go to counseling whatever. Don’t just go off and cheat, that is where the anger comes in. i don’t think any sane person would want another person to be miserable being with you but you asked this person, male or female to marry you. That holds a certain obligation to work it out and if that doesn’t work…divorce.
So you would be happy if you knew he no longer wanted you or was in love with you just to satisfy you? Who’s really selfish?
Thank you for your comments, I also feel this article was far too flippant being 4 years out of my husband of 20 years leaving for another woman and moving in direct with her and her children. I am still devastated and my daughter at the time was 12 and her life turned upside down…I fought like hell in divorce court and am a survivor but I cannot get over the way he left.
I agree.
Having experienced the same thing, I must that I totally agree. At what point does a man decide to that its okay to just walk away as if your family never existed. Nothing about that is normal.
So damn true… When the wife leaves everyone says” “what did he do to her. Was he abusing her…. Or having an affair”?why did she leave? But if the guy leaves everyone just says he abandoned his family…so sad… I am currently in this predicament. No other woman involved. No physical abuse but desperately unhappy and have been for years so have resorted to emotional separation.. Its very self destructive and depressing but to choose my own happiness over my kids stability is un thinkable. Sometimes the weight is unbearable..????
Have you guys gone to counseling, talked honestly about what you both need in the relationship? If you loved her enough to marry her, then there was something there. Maybe you guys are no longer having a sex life – well, sex is important to a marriage. She needs to know how important it is to you. And then there are things you can do… maybe she doesn’t enjoy the sex because you don’t pay attention to her needs, and if you were more considerate she’d be a more enthusiastic partner. Or, maybe your sex life is fine but it’s… Read more »
Exactly! People just want to give up instead of working on reigniting the passion…it can be done!
Mick – I feel your pain. My wife does not cheat. But she cut off sexual intamacy with me nearly 17 years ago. We’ve been married for 25. She hides things from me and lies frequently. I’m staying til my son graduates from HS next year for his sake. Then I’m done. I have held out hope for change. I have asked for counseling. I put up with her tracking my spending like a hawk while she spends on shit all the time (even opened a huge credit line with her mom and maxed it out-I found the bill by… Read more »
If what you say is true, sounds like she has a mental disorder. There is no help for that.
If you loved your wife at one time..you can love and find happiness again…do the hard work and reap the reward of keeping your family together and being happy again!
Been there, done that. If you think your children don’t know or sense you’re unhappy, you’re wrong. You deserve to be happy and they deserve a happy dad. If you haven’t tried counseling yet give it a shot, if you have and its failed and you’ve come to the realization that your romantic relationship is over have the conversation about the elephant in the room and start discussing a separation and creating a new normal for both of you and the children. You have one life. No do overs. That doesn’t mean being cavalier with other’s feelings but it does… Read more »
If a man is desperately unhappy in a marriage, I don’t blame him for wanting out. It’s just the way you do it that is the difference between decency and a jerk.
I agree.
When I was young, I would hear about the man leaving for a “new” wife. I would hear about the gold digging wife…and that’s because what I was hearing were society’s way of putting divorce in a box.
While the motivations are different in every situation, the “blame” on one gender or another makes it look clean and categorized.
And it is not.
But where they actually leaving for the ‘new wife”? Was that inaccurate or accurate?
Erin, no one really leaves “for” anyone else.
This is a whole article for me to write in itself, but in the simplest of explanations, even if a man has a mistress or a woman has a new man, no one leaves a happy marriage. No one else can ever cause the break up of two people.
I am not excusing affairs. I believe they are awful for everyone involved and there are so many other healthier ways to deal with issues between a couple than infidelity. I am just saying that infidelity doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
“…even if a man has a mistress or a woman has a new man, no one leaves a happy marriage.”
Yes, such is usually true.
But…..How many men with a mistress or women with a new man have happy marriages?
Some do. And that is their business, not mine. I am not discussing the challenges of monogamy. That is a while different ball wax. I am just pointing out that dissatisfaction with the primary relationship — the marriage — causes divorce. The cause is never the outside party.
Some people are never really happy with anyone, they enjoy the chase but quickly grow bored. Some people marry for the wrong reasons.
A friend of mine was divorced by his wife, who took their 3 small kids and left the house to live on their own.
Less than a week later, she moved in with another man, who had just divorced his wife.
Yet to this day, some 12 years later, she maintains that during the divorce he wasn’t even in the picture.
Anyway, thank you for a balanced article, and fair answers!
Ariana what do you say to a man who has been unhappy for years and hasn’t left for the reasons you’ve given in your article and then he is ready to finally do it. But her health is an issue and she was just laid off from a job she’s had for many, many years with no prospects. She’s 62. She cries and begs him to stay. The marriage has been bad for years. They haven’t slept together for more than 7 years. The stress and anxiety is causing him to have health issues. He doesn’t sleep. Bad all around… Read more »
Get counseling and save your marriage! If you were happy at one time you can be happy again!
It doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but there are narcissistic disordered people and i think they are more numerous than we know that enjoy cheating and lying. Their spouse might be wonderful and still they cheat and get a power kick from fooling the spouse or significant other.
They may be the one left by their wives but as you pointed out, it is because of their guilt (cowardice), many were poor husbands and fathers and then they top it off by essentially removing themselves from the marriage, torturing their wife until she finally gives him what he wants, a divorce. Then he gets to play victim, “your mom is the one who divorced me”, yeah, because you were emotionally abusing her until she knew she was being destroyed and had to choose to survive.
It can go both ways, Kay. There are situations in which the husband is abusive and those in which the wife is abusive. There are men who play victim and women who do the same. Shaming people for either staying or leaving and continuing to call on gender behavior stereotypes rather than admitting that only the people within the coupke know what goes on between them only prolongs the despair for both parties as they carry the marriage on.
That is such bull. Your blanket statements prove exactly what the author was talking about. As soon as most people, but especially women, hear about a divorce, immediately the BS that you just parroted just starts spewing out of their mouths. How about a little credit for the guys being decent human beings? Benefit of the doubt even? And then women like you have the nerve to say “I don’t understand why men get so sensitive and angry about divorce. They’re just crazy…”
In reality, I believe that it is because of this discussion that many good men do not make it to the altar and many of us that do actually regret the decision over time. Statistically speaking our divorce rate here in the USA is still at 50% or greater. For those who are still married we may want to question how ‘successful’ those unions are because longevity and success are not always one in the same. The following statement does not account for all of us but as a married man when I hear several men that make jokes about… Read more »
@ Sean C Dancy, “In reality, I believe that it is because of this discussion that many good men do not make it to the altar and many of us that do actually regret the decision over time.” I have an 18 year old son….While I will not discourage him from marrying, I am certainly not going to encourage it either.. What I do with him is to try to educate him on personal growth, including emotional intelligence. Specifically, how not to build his life around women and relationships. His focus and energies should be on becoming the very best… Read more »
The following statement does not account for all of us but as a married man when I hear several men that make jokes about wishing that their wives were dead or comments such as, “It’s cheaper to keep her”….
Wow. Wishing your own wife dead..I don’t even have the words to describe for that. But It’s hard to have sympathy for men who wish their own wives dead.
@Kay.
Something tells me you didn’t actually read this article, otherwise you might have checked your own attitude before commenting.
Kay, in reality, I believe that it is because of this discussion and your negative disposition that many good men do not make it to the altar and many of us that do actually regret the decision over time. Statistically speaking our divorce rate here in the USA is still at 50% or greater. For those who are still married we may want to question how ‘successful’ those unions are because longevity and success are not always one in the same. The following statement does not account for all of us but as a married man when I hear several… Read more »
@ Kay, “…..many were poor husbands and fathers and then they top it off by essentially removing themselves from the marriage, torturing their wife until she finally gives him what he wants, a divorce.” But, most of them are not poor husband and fathers….the real problem is that these men were simply no longer good enough for the women. It should give you and other women a pause for concern when you see 70% of the time it is the woman initiating the divorce. we men cannot be that bad!!! By pointing blame at the men, it means women simply… Read more »
Sean and Jules, You both make excellent points. I do feel the need to point out that the divorce rate is actually not over 50% and it is not actually rising. The rate is now somewhere around 44%, and it has been declining for quite some time. Additionally, while the marriage rates are declining, the number of marriages lasting more than 15 years has been steadily increasing. Here is an excellently presented article on the topic from the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0. Stats out of the way, this dialogue highlights two important issues at play. 1. It isn’t that marriage… Read more »
Arianna,
This is why I love your writing so much. You are a very fair and honest person. You see clearly the big picture. You can see, feel, and understand both sides. You have real empathy for both men and women. This means a lot to me personally. I am sure most men (and women too) can appreciate your caring and empathy.
Much love and respect.
Thanks for being you!!!
Jules, you’re the best! Thank you so much for that! You have no idea how meaningful it is to me.
I don’t think anyone has a problem with you writing about this subject “because you’re a woman”. As others have said, you have handled this issue fairly and treated men with the same courtesy you would expect in return. That is all most people on here are asking for. It is sad that this is such a rare thing on GMP where flippant misandry is often given an uncritical free pass. My marriage ended as a result of my ex-wife cheating on me. I had a divorce and separation blog at the time. I was shocked to see how many… Read more »
I think there are as many bad wives as bad husbands. I think people marry many times cause they fear being alone. Then when they marry they get sick of the other person really quickly cause it wasn’t right to begin with. It’s how you deal with your mistakes that matter. The honor and integrity in which you treat the spouse and yourself in getting out of a bad marriage.
Victimization culture is accurate across the board, I will give you that. As to my assertion that many men play victim while practicing destructive behavior in order to manipulate their wife into asking for a divorce, I stand by this comment. The wife is not necessarily blameless because she could certainly refuse to take the bait and once she is completely destroyed the man will still get what he wants and no will blame him for leaving the poor excuse for a human being which he likely created. So if 70% of the time women initiate a divorce, that should… Read more »
I guess it’s a good thing that marriage is becoming a thing of the past, not sure how many years we’ll be dealing with these issues.
Given that most divorces are initiated by women ….
Not sure what your point is Tom. Care to expand?
I would like to add that it’s because the ex-husband would have let the separation linger on forever because he was too cheap to pay for the divorce. I paid 100%. Kind of like the relationship we had after child #2 came into the picture. He dissolved into the woodwork and instead of being a strong husband and father, he became selfish and whiney and controlling. The household became a dark cloud that no one wanted to enter because of his moods. He disappeared more by working, watching tv, or simply sleeping. How do you explain to your seven year… Read more »