Does admitting past abuse make you less of a man? Dan Griffin explains why that may be the only way to move on.
My understanding of trauma comes primarily from my personal experience as a young boy, first growing up in a violent alcoholic home and then having to deal with the impact of that trauma long into my thirties — and long into my sobriety.
I still have vivid memories sitting on the top stair outside of my parents’ bedroom, hearing my mother screaming and crying as I was trying to get up the nerve to open the door or bang on it, once they/he had finally got smart enough to lock it. Or crying myself to sleep through the only slightly muffled sound of my parents yelling, cursing and belittling each other — only to pretend like nothing had happened the next day. Or my Dad grabbing me by my leg as I was trying to get away from him, pulling me down the stairs, and then proceeding to hit me. I could go on.
Believe it or not, I had a lot of confusion as to whether what I had grown up in was actually violent. It was only until I got into relationships with people who did know the difference that I began to see that how I grew up was far from normal — even though far too many children experience the same thing and even worse. With that in mind, it would be completely irresponsible of me not to talk about the effect that men’s trauma has on women and children. While compassion for men is essential, we have to be careful that compassion does not become enabling or minimizing of the horrific violence that women and children are enduring on a daily basis.
Here are some sobering statistics that are important to always keep in mind when we are talking about men and trauma:
- Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Because many are victimized more than once, approximately 4.8 million intimate-partner rapes and physical assaults against women are committed annually. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000)
- Women aged sixteen to twenty-four experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence (19.6 victimizations per 1,000 women.) (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009)
- One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women. Most cases are never reported to the police. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009)
- In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations. Most cases are never reported to the police. (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010)
- About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010) My uneducated guess is that this number is actually much higher when we think about how much violence and abuse still lives in the shadows.
◊♦◊
The first thing I had to realize was that violence was so much more than what I thought it was. I was often so focused on my internal experience that I did not look at my external behavior. “How can I be scaring anyone when I feel so afraid?” I would say, angrily yelling, after having been confronted. Or maybe I would laugh, that patronizing laugh that we as men can have, that essentially says, “Stop being such a f’in baby” (echoed from the mouths of so many who we had followed into manhood.) Like my alcoholism, so long as I maintained a fixed definition of violence then it meant that I was not violent. In fairness, I was not shown what love and peace really looked like — or better, felt like. I did not understand what it really meant to feel safe. I did not realize that punching a wall was an act of violence — I thought it was avoiding violence!
Here are some other examples of violence, taken from page 240 of my book, A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps:
- Raising your voice at your partner in an effort to intimidate or silence
- Using your physical body to intimidate in any way by size and strength alone. Most men are intimidating to women and children, and few men understand this
- Slamming doors.
- Threatening harm to yourself or to your partner
- Punching or kicking a wall or door with someone else in the room
- Taking car keys or doing anything else to prevent your partner from leaving your presence or your home, or doing any other act that prevents your partner from seeking safety
- Chasing your partner as he or she tries to leave or escape from you and your threatening behavior.
◊♦◊
In our trauma-informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, we make one thing clear throughout, Whatever happened to you as a child — no matter what you did — was not your fault; and, whatever you do or have done as an adult that has harmed another — no matter what someone else has done — it is your responsibility and it needs to stop.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was continue the cycle of abuse. I hate violence, have a pure heart, and never wanted to see anyone in pain. Yet, I found the same words coming out of my mouth with the same anger and violence from which I used to cower. I behaved in ways towards others that were exactly the same kind of behavior that still had me afraid of being in the dark as a goddamn grown man! While it is hard to write these words, I feel as though I must, because until we men begin to truly own our behavior and call it what it really is, nothing is going to change. We must shine an honest and compassionate light on this topic. Nobody wants to be an addict, that which so many of us swore we would never become. Maybe, that is the same fear that gets in the way for so many of us men in acknowledging the impact of abuse on our lives, the fear of being our fathers (or whoever it was that abused us.)
Of course, with all the bullshit we have about being a man in our society, a man acknowledging the pain of abuse sometimes feels comparable to admitting he is not a man at all. Hell, there is still a part of me that feels like a [fill in the epithet] for writing these words. There is no question that, at the heart of the vast majority of abuse, is a stagnant well of toxic shame corroding the spirits of some very good men.
◊♦◊
It is not unreasonable to assume that most men, especially those of us in recovery from any addiction, have had some experience of trauma. I believe this should be an expectation, not considered an exception as it often is now. But nothing guarantees that sobriety will stop a man’s violence or heal the trauma destroying so many people’s lives. Helping a man to understand that his experience was indeed traumatic is not easy. The way we still raise boys to be men overlaps far too much with violence and abuse, which leads many of us to confuse that kind of mentality and behavior with Love. With that in mind, we should also assume that most men in recovery do not have a full understanding of violence, and so it is incumbent upon those of us who have come to a different understanding to share it, and to even take an unwavering stand against violence against women, children — and men! One of the greatest ways for me to heal has been the commitment to peace and safety I have made to my wife and my daughter — and even our little Shih Tzu, Haley. The more I am able to be the man I always hoped to be, the more I can see that is who I have always been.
—Photo Jontintinjordan/Flickr
—
AUTHOR’S ADDENDUM
In my recent article “Can’t see the Violence Within? Step Outside,” I used several statistics regarding violence against women without including similar statistics for men. First, let me be clear: I am not an expert on Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) nor have I done an exhaustive review of the literature or research. One of the surveys I cited that is also one of the most commonly cited reports despite the fact that it is over ten years old is the National Violence Against Women Survey (NVAW). For instance, for one of the statistics I used from the Executive Summary, the exact cite is: “Approximately 1.5 million women and 834,732 menare raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States” (p. iii.) The report goes on to state: “Even fewer rapes, physical assaults, and stalking perpetrated against male respondents by intimates were reported” supporting the widespread belief that men are less likely to report abuse (p. v.) Both of these citations support that the problem of men’s IPV victimization is much worse and prevalent than is often acknowledged. As I stated in my article, the issue needs more attention and men’s voices need to be much more involved. However, NVAW goes on to state: “the survey found that differences between women’s and men’s rates of physical assault by an intimate partner become greater as the seriousness of the assault increases” (p. 19) – in other words, the worse the assault the more likely it is to happen to a woman.
The challenge for years has been trying to get the most accurate picture of the prevalence of women andmen’s experience of IPV. Two studies find women to be significantly more likely to experience IPV than men (NVAW and the National Crime Victimization Survey) while a third (National Family Violence Survey) finds the rates of IPV to be equal for men and women. Much of this seems to be based upon the difference in methodology and the definition of IPV used. An additional limitation is that few studies or surveys have done a very good job looking at verbal or emotional abuse both of which are more likely to occur with greater frequency with both men and women. Therefore, at this time it would be unlikely that we would know unequivocally the rates of IPV amongst men and women.
Finally, while I firmly believe that men experience all kinds of abuse in relationships with women much more often than we have ever considered as a society it is a delicate line to walk. There is no question some men’s abuse stands alone as being primarily perpetrated by their female (or male) partner. I also know that when many men are confronted with being abusive to women they very often respond saying they are also victims of abuse from their partner. While this may be true, I have been far too involved in this topic for far too long that I know in many IPV cases as one or both individuals get help and begin to end the abuse it becomes clear that for many women their abusiveness was a reactionary attempt to defend themselves and maintain some power in a relationship in which they were increasingly being controlled and made to feel powerless. As the man’s abuse ends and the woman is able to trust him and feel safe again, her own reactionary behavior subsides – though sometimes it may first require someone to point out the unhealthiness and unacceptability of that behavior as well. Part of the healing ultimately is both individuals being able to lovingly and calmly point out inappropriate and hurtful behaviors of the other. Further, even before a man is confronted with – or even able to see – his own abusive behavior, he may believe that he is the victim in an abusive relationship, for various reasons many of which the article covered.
Relationships bring two very human – and often wounded – individuals together and it gets messy. Sometimes, very messy. These facts only reinforce the need for men and women to understand the impact of trauma on their lives and the lives of their loved ones and how the symptoms of such trauma manifest differently in the genders and in relationships.
Hi Matthew Wow – that is very honest. Feel free to contact me directly offline. I am sorry that you are having such challenges. You sound like you are ready to make a change. Good for you! Do you know how many men are living the way you describe with no real awareness of what they are doing? The violence MUST stop. Learning timeouts, walking away, taking deep breaths, and sharing your authentic feelings (most rage and abusiveness stems from fear and shame and can be triggered when we feel hurt, rejected, or many other vulnerable feelings) are great tools… Read more »
I just wanted to thank you for this post Dan. I am currently in a day-to-day battle with myself that I have been going through form some time now. Your article really spoke to me today; I have made many of these mistakes in my personal life. In fact reading the bullet point list of other forms of violence made me break down; I have committed all of those in my marriage in the past 24 hours. It is scary to see yourself in a post you read on a website. I don’t want to be this way. Your article… Read more »
I will concede that I did not use those stats as responsibly as I could have. (see my response to Feckless.) I am concerned about violence period. I am not familiar with these studies. I do not believe violence is an effective solution to anything – though I am not able to practice that as well as I would like. I do not have the answers. My intention is to get us talking about the trauma men and bOys experience as a result of abuse and violence and how pervasive that is. You are helping to do that. I would… Read more »
I understand a lot of guys feel as though we have gotten the short end of the prOverbial stick. There is a reason for this – because as many have pointed out in this site in numerous articles we have swung way passed balance when discussing this issue – to the detriment of men. You are right SnakeEyez – we have to start talking about female violence as a phenomenon in itself. When it comes to violence and abuse I do not trust stats. Supposedly only 13% of boys are sexually abused – my guess is t is much higher… Read more »
Dan, if you do not trust statistics, why do you post them in the first place, especially when they contradict each other? And what about taking abused men’s experiences more serious? I personally don’t remember having a relationship with a woman where my significant other did not hit me. Judging from the experience of my friends and family this is kind of common (Have you been hit by a woman Dan?). A recent 32-nation study (http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/ID52%20Draft%20M2.-with-tablespdf.pdf) revealed that more than 51% of men and 52% of women felt that there were times when it was appropriate for a wife to… Read more »
I do know this: you CANNOT talk about female violence out of the context of male violence. Why not? How much female violence is a result of the trauma and attempt to fight back against male violence? I do not know. There is NO WAY Actually there is a way to know and that would be by studying dv in a scientific manner. Furthermore if your previous statement is true that we can’t tell how much female violence is cause as a reaction to male violence wouldn’t it be true that we couldn’t discuss male violence out of the context… Read more »
Even though I said I didn’t want to, why don’t we just do it instead: -How much female violence is a result of the trauma and attempt to fight back against male violence? Self-defense accounts for only 10-20% of female partner aggression. (Stets J, Straus M. Gender differences in reporting marital violence. Physical Violence in American Families. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers, 1992. pp. 151-166.) (Follingstad D, Wright S, Lloyd S, and Sebastian J. Sex differences in motivations and effects in dating relationships. Family Relations, Vol. 40, 1991, pp. 51–57.) (Carrado M, George MJ, Loxam E, et al. Aggression in… Read more »
Hi Feckless et al. There is no question that there is female perpetrated violence. I cannot speak to the study you cite and would not until I have been able to read the whole thing. I do know this: you CANNOT talk about female violence out of the context of male violence. How much female violence is a result of the trauma and attempt to fight back against male violence? I do not know. There is NO WAY women are more violent or perpetrate (Read: Instigate) more violence against men. I absolutely agree that we have not done a good… Read more »
Dan, I didn’t cite a study, I cited more than 200 studies. Before this turns into „DV Myths 101“ I’d like to suggest something. Using „Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States „ and „Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women“ is dishonest as the 85% is based on a different survey with a different methology. The way it is used here minimizes the amount of male DV victims. The first study, where the 1.5 million are from give us details about the amount of male DV… Read more »
Hi Feckless First, let me thank you for the respectful way that you are pursuing this argument. Second, you make a reasonable request. Here is what I am willing to say to amend the article: While I have used stats from commonly cited studies these have not necessarily contained methodologies that have accurately measured the phenomenon of IPV nor the impact of female on male violence. It is difficult to say how these numbers would affect the overall stats. This does not mean that the incidence of violence against women is not alarming and in need of great attention; it… Read more »
Dan, please let us keep this simple. Your most important DV facts are based on one study the “National Violence Against Women Survey”. Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Because many are victimized more than once, approximately 4.8 million intimate-partner rapes and physical assaults against women are committed annually. -> “National Violence Against Women Survey” One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. -> “National Violence Against Women Survey” Let us keep this fair and take the percentage of victims from the “National… Read more »
Okay Feckless – I get your point and it is very reasonable if I understand it. You are right – bringing in multiple studies and, in essence, conflating the results was not ideal. I do think a revision that is clearer would be beneficial but not right now. Right now I am enjoying time with my family on 4th of July weekend. Thanks and enjoy the weekend.
Long weekend, eh?
With all due respect, the usage of statistics here is in one word horrible. The vast majority of DV studies find roughly equal victimization rates: This bibliography examines 282 scholarly investigations: 218 empirical studies and 64 reviews and/or analyses, which demonstrate that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. The aggregate sample size in the reviewed studies exceeds 369,800. http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm At first the National Violence Against Women survey is cited (1.5 Million) which finds roughly 40% of victims are male (there are some problems with that study as… Read more »