Anna Levinzon photo
Aaron Gouveia and his wife were already having the worst day of their lives. Then came the abortion protesters.
“You’re killing your unborn baby!”
That’s what they yelled at me and my wife on the worst day of our lives. As we entered the women’s health center on an otherwise perfect summer morning in Brookline, two women we had never met decided to pile onto the nightmare we had been living for three weeks. These “Christians” verbally accosted us—judged us—as we steeled ourselves for the horror of making the unimaginable, but necessary, decision to end our pregnancy at 16 weeks.
After extensive testing at a renowned Boston hospital three weeks earlier, we were told our baby had Sirenomelia. Otherwise known as Mermaid Syndrome, it’s a rare (one in every 100,000 pregnancies) congenital deformity in which the legs are fused together. Worse than that, our baby had no bladder or kidneys. Our doctors told us there was zero chance for survival.
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I’m not a religious person and I’ve never believed in heaven or hell. But there is a hell on Earth. Hell is sitting next to the person you love most and listening to her wail hysterically because her heart just broke into a million pieces. Hell is watching her entire body convulse with sobs because she’s being tortured with grief. For as long as I live and no matter how many children we have, I will never forget that sound. And I vowed to do everything in my power to make sure she’d never make it again.
Across a crowded street, two people with “God Is Pro-Life!” signs and pictures of torn-up fetuses managed to drive the blade in even deeper. Again, I was left trying to console the inconsolable, feeling even more helpless this time, because I wasn’t allowed into surgery with her.
Running on pure adrenaline, and without even a hint of a plan, I grabbed my cell phone and crossed the street. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, I just knew I wanted to make public the cowardice of these protesters.
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I learned a few important things from this encounter. First, these people aren’t used to being confronted. They prey on the weak and they pounce on the wounded. It’s easy to berate people and shame them when they’re too beaten down to fight back. But I chose to do just that, and you can see what happened.
They spout the same tired rhetoric passed out at rallies and subway stations. They don’t have one salient response to any of my questions.
The most telling thing about their cowardice is when the woman on the right gets upset that I’m recording the conversation (which is perfectly legal) and then threatens to call the police. The irony is rich. She wanted to call the police because I was peacefully expressing my opinion on a public sidewalk and exercising my First Amendment rights, which is exactly what she was doing. But I’m not on “God’s side,” am I.
She also claims the women at the clinic are suicide risks. Even if she believed that were true, does she really think yelling at them and shaming them in public is going to encourage these women not to kill themselves?
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After I took a walk and calmed down, it was time to pick up my wife and go home. When we pulled out of the clinic, the protesters were gone, and a police cruiser was parked nearby with the lights flashing. My wife, still groggy from the surgery, managed to crack a little smile, and asked, “What did you do?”
I have no idea if it was my interaction with the protesters that got them to leave. I doubt it was, but my wife was convinced that was the case. At first, I didn’t think of it as a big deal, and I actually felt a little foolish for getting so heated.
My wife, suddenly serious, pointed out a women entering the clinic. Within minutes, she said, that woman would be making a serious choice. Whether she kept her baby or not, it didn’t matter—what matters is that she can make the decision that’s right for her. And she can make it without people screaming at her.
My wife and I wanted our second child. We loved her. We even had a name for her, Alexandra.
You never know the circumstances surrounding this kind of decision. Consider this my plea: stop terrorizing women. Stop adding trauma to their trauma. If you’re able, stand up to these bullies in nonviolent ways. Speak out. And if you have a camera, use it.
—Read Aaron Gouveia’s follow-up piece to Confronting LIfe, ”I Will Lie To Patients (Well, Only If They’re Having An Abortion)”.
—Aaron Gouveia is a regular contributor to The Good Men Project Magazine. Want to know when Aaron’s next piece comes out? Sign up for our email mailing list. To learn more about The Good Men Project, click here.
About Aaron Gouveia
Sigh. It’s unfortunate that so many people don’t see the hypocrisy in policing a woman’s sex life. Women have a right to choose when they become sexually active. Let’s just get that straight. Nobody is allowed to tell me that I’m not allowed to have sex. I am responsible when I have sex; I have been sexually active since I was seventeen years old (I am almost twenty one). I have had three partners. Not once have I gotten pregnant, nor have I had an STI. I’m also a middle-class girl with liberal parents who was taught sex-ed in a liberally slanted school district. I have a privilege here that a lot of kids don’t have; my parents taught me that sex is natural, and they taught me how to protect myself against STIs and pregnancy. So few kids get that education in this country, and THAT, my friends, is what leads to unwanted pregnancies. If this country weren’t so absolutely phobic about sex, there wouldn’t be nearly as big a problem.
Beyond that: It’s a woman’s choice to have an abortion. No matter the circumstances. If I were to become pregnant now, three quarters of the way through my undergraduate degree, with no way of supporting myself (not even enough money to pay for prenatal vitamins, for that matter) — why on earth should I be forced to become a mother? Because I decided to have sex? Even though sex is natural and feels good and I protect myself? Even though I have my whole life ahead of me and I’m creating a life for myself so that one day, in good conscience, I can give a child a good home?
Aaron, you and your wife made an incredibly difficult decision. I commend you on standing up for yourself when far too many women are left voiceless in the face of protesters who don’t seem to understand how personal a decision like this is. These women clearly didn’t understand that, but I hope they remember their conversation with you for the rest of their lives.
“Because I decided to have sex?” Actually, yes. That’s what sex is for. Making babies.
She should have kept the baby. Let it go naturally, even if it’s a still-born. At least she doesn’t have to deal with the grief that she killed it.
I’m sorry, but I almost cannot believe you are serious. I certainly don’t want to. Do you honestly believe that it would have been better for this poor woman, who is already emotionally traumatised by the discovery that an all-but dead baby is inside her, to carry the baby for nine months, put her body through pregnancy and birth (not to mention the potential medical complications that could occur during this time) only to have the child be stillborn or dead within the first few hours of its life?
Surely there would be no benefit to the child which would most likely not survive to be born and wouldn’t even be aware of its life, and there would be a world of harm done to its mother and her partner, who have to endure pregnancy with the knowledge that their baby was not going to live. The grief of allowing further attachment to form with their dead baby would certainly outweigh that of making the perfectly legitimate decision of aborting the pregnancy and saving themselves that extra pain.
I try my hardest to respect all people’s opinions, no matter how stupid I find them, but yours is truly a hard one for me to make peace with.
Actually, that happened to my aunt and uncle. My cousin had no brain, yet they chose to give birth to her, if only to hold her for an instant before they died. So yeah, she’s serious.
I can understand the argument that a parent deciding to end a healthy pregnancy might be morally wrong. But one with no chance of producing life which entails serious health risks for the mother??
Thats her call, noone elses. If she decides she needs to hold that baby at least once, then she should. But if she decides she doesn’t want to do that, it benefits noone (dead child included) to force her to do so.
The primary focus needs to be on the innocent little pre-born baby, who has a right to not be killed.
I’m sorry, who are you replying too? I didn’t come across any review above taking about a “primary focus.” Not that I disagree with you or anything, but we pro lifers have to choose our methods of arguments more carefully than that in this increasingly hostile environment to our kind of people.
What about the mothers right to not have her life put at risk? What about after the baby is born, are you going to pay the expensive medical bills? This is what really confuses me about pro-lifers. You’re all for a feotuses rights but the moment that child is born ‘nah, you’re on your own now mate, I know your only a day old but I only care about you before you’re born!’
Actually, Lauren, giving birth to a stillborn baby is extremely risky. Why lose two lives?
I’m assuming because God has a plan… or everything happens for a reason… or something.
Lauran, as disgusted as I am by your comment, I hope you never face this choice.
IпїЅпїЅm intrigued, I suppose you are an authority on this subject. Now i am subscribing to your upcoming revisions in the future.
It’s very hypocritical for you to pull out the “its my First Amendment right” when its their right too. You may not agree with them but they have the same rights you do, just because you disagree with them doesn’t mean you can go yell at them and call them the lowest common denominator. You are the lowest common denominator for your actions towards those ladies.
“just because you disagree with them doesn’t mean you can go yell at them”
That is EXACTLY what those ladies were doing in the first place. I think you’ll find the only hypocrisy here is coming from you. He went out and defended his wife in an extremely polite manner given the circumstances and the turmoil and stress he was assuredly under. If that is him on a bad day I commend him no end for his restraint and decency in the face of such blind, ingorant intolerance.
Hear hear
In actual fact he states that it was both his as wadtir first ammamendment right to stand there. If you had been placed in a situation by where your loved one was being verbally attacked because she was doingmesomething that is actually recommended by many health proffessionals because of the emotional trauma of still.born births then maybe you’d think differently. There are very few people who would recommend you carry on a pregnancy in which the child has serious deformities because you ha e no idea if they will suffer after birtg, especially in a birth with a high death rate. I personally believe that those people are the lowest type.of demominator because they are verbally bullying vulnerable people.to addear to.their beliefs without knowing all the facts. Yes some people want to hold their baby onre they die, others no that the emotional distress of having to watch them take their last breath would cause irrevocable mental distress. Untill you are in this situation do not judgehave no ideawhat it feels like you have to make that decision. It is jot something you just decide
“You may not agree with them but they have the same rights you do, just because you disagree with them doesn’t mean you can go yell at them and call them the lowest common denominator.”
It is not their right to deny anybody their rights. End of story.
Killing a child is not a right.
Hear, hear!
Good thing abortions don’t terminate children then.
Now, that’s not fair. The term “child” is relative. It could refer to the fetus, baby, whatever, or it could refer to any individual from birth to 18 years old. Your statement would anger a lot of pro-lifers by implying that whatever was in the womb was not a child, or alive.
It is still a being. It is still alive, no matter what anyone says.
While there are some things I don’t agree with on both sides of the argument, I don’t think people from either side should make comments that would get under the skin of the other.
“child” is a subjective term, but “life” is not. In order to be considered alive, there are certain criteria that each “thing” must reach, including response to stimuli and being made out of cells.
The one that is of particular importance in the pro-life/pro-choice debate is the rule about homeostasis. Homeostasis is when an organism is able to maintain it’s internal environment /by itself/. Internal environment refers to internal processes, such as breathing, heartbeat, body temperature, etc. Once the fetus can maintain its own life outside the womb, then it is truly alive, but until it cant, then it is not alive, and therefore the mother’s property (in her case, it would be more apt to compare it to a parasite or tumor (something living off her without giving anything back)).
(Here’s the wikipedia for more information… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life#Biology )
So yeah. :/
Besides that, even if the fetus was a human being, it has NO right to the mother’s organs. People don’t have rights to other peoples organs, and there’s a precedent set for that in that we don’t require mandatory blood donations or demand that someone donate an organ.
“It’s very hypocritical for you to pull out the “its my First Amendment right” when its their right too.”
Yes, everyone does have a right to share their opinion. But there’s something called being a decent human being and respecting the feelings of others. Yelling at people who have made the hardest decision of their lives is not going to change their minds. However, knowing that a complete stranger thinks that you’re the scum of the earth for carrying out your decision is more pain than anyone should have to bear. Sharing your opinion is fine. Just don’t do it in a way that is going to hurt people…especially those who are already hurting.
The First Amendment allows you to say anything you want. But it’s your job to know when and where to say it.
He did nothing to them or their first amendment that they hadn’t already done to him and his wife.
These protesters were wrong to say what they said and in the way that they said it.
Aaron I think it very likely that you made them think very deeply about their behavior. My problem however is with Doctors and a medical profession that advises, or prompts you to have an abortion in such circumstances.
Why is bringing such a child into the world, even for only a few hours (minutes even) the wrong choice medically or in any other sense? Why are doctors prompting one choice over another? Is meeting the daughter you named and wanted to have and to say goodbye to not something that we encourage as a healthy and cathartic way of approaching our grief at such a painful loss?
We ought to question why as a society in so many circumstances abortion is seemingly always the only option?
Why for example are Keavy and many other students in a position where becoming a mother is not an option? If it’s not a realistic option can it be said to be a genuine choice at all?
So your saying it is healthy for a woman to carry a child for several months, feel it kicking, bonding wit even thoughbe she knows it wont survive out of utero? I, personally, would call that torture. I for one would be tortured no end, carrying what feels like a normal and healthy child though i KNOW it isnt. Feeling my daughter inside knowing her life would come to an unfair ending. Knowing their is nothing that i could do. I would rather deal with the grief sooner than go through that torment.
As someone who has been through three miscarriages – the last time after being told by my doctor to terminate otherwise it would kill me… I can’t see that anyone would terminate by choice, it would be the last thing they’d want to do.
I feel lucky that I wasn’t in the USA and tortured for what happened. Or being screamed at to keep a hold of something that could never come to life. The depression alone… dear God.
These so-called prolifers should put down those horrible photos and signs and bend their anger into assisting and loving women who are in need of termination.
Susie,
If your doctor told you to terminate otherwise your pregnancy would kill you I would seriously question the professionalism of your doctor
Cos there is no way whatsoever that any such situation may arise and you would definitely no more than her GP, gyno and consultants!!
What the hell kind of fantasy world are you living in? More women die from pregnancy/child birth than have EVER died in an abortion procedure.
Ed, you’re not a doctor. You don’t know anything about obstetrics.
There are many, many women who abort by choice. Every woman is different.
I think he’s saying that there are different solutions for different people.
Jess,
What you call torture I would call grief.
Clearly you are unable to comprehend what it’s like to be a woman in that situation. Grow a uterus and ovaries, get pregnant, and go through it yourself. Then maybe you’ll understand something, because right now you clearly dont.
Jess, I sympathize. The same thing happened to me with my second.
As a woman who’s been through an abortion and had to see those signs and deal with people screaming that (after the fact, a protest happens every year in my hometown) I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Those people make me sick. They have no idea why we go through this procedure. For me, it was my health. Carrying the pregnancy to term would have killed me, in all likelihood, and having an abortion was my only option. Now, every year, right around the anniversary of the abortion, I have to deal with those signs, etc. I think this year, I’m going to go have a talk with those people about their narrow minded ways.
You’ve inspired me to make a change in this world. Thank you so much.
Aaron I am so sorry for you and your wife’s loss, my daughter who is a year old was diagnosed with Caudal Regression Syndrome while I was pregnant with her, the doctors told us that there was a high chance that her liver and kidney would not form plus a whole slew of other dire prognoses. I cannot imagine what I would have felt like if I had to abort her, and on top of that a group of subhumans making your wife feel worse. She is so lucky to have a wonderful man like you supporting her, so few of the women who have to make that hard decision do. Kudos to you.
I used to volunteer at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Texas. Due to the layout of the neighborhood, all patrons had to cross a public street to get to the clinic (it has since moved). Every Saturday at least 2 protestors showed up to yell at young women. Our task was to meet them in the parking lot, explain about the protestors and how to identify the PP personnel, and offer to walk them to the door.
We would have advised you not to confront them. It could escalate into something that could get you arrested. Even though your behavior may be strictly legal, it’s not impossible that a protestor who would like to a young girl about a made-up risk of breast cancer from abortion would also lie to a cop about what you did. And if there are other protestors, they might do so also.
Even if there was no escalation, protestors may get personal satisfaction out of confronting you. They feel pride in martyrdom. They can also use the confrontation to drum up additional supporters to come out next week.
It’s totally understandable to want to tell off the street crazies, but it’s much effective to try to replace their fellow-travellers in state legislatures and congress who are, unfortunately, much more effective at denying women access to health care.
Aaron, you’re a hero. If it were me I would not be able to act as courteously as you did (because seriously, fuck these people). Bravo.
Bravo to you
I’m slightly pro-life: I think that late term pregnancies aren’t distinguishably less alive than a human infant and require society’s protection, but I can’t fathom the mind of someone who does this. I really can’t. Good for you for standing up to those bullies.
Mad props, dude. That was awesome.
“Tim Tebow was born in Makati City in the Philippines, to American parents who were serving as Baptist missionaries at the time. While pregnant, his mother suffered a life-threatening infection with a pathogenic amoeba. Because of the drugs used to rouse her from a coma and to treat her dysentery, the fetus experienced a severe placental abruption. Doctors had expected a stillbirth and recommended an abortion, even though illegal in the Philippines, to protect her life, but she decided not to have one.”
Doctors thought she would have a stillbirth, but she didn’t. Imagine if she had. Just because doctors say that such-and-such might happen, doesn’t mean it will. We can still choose to give a child a chance in this world. It is not our right to take their lives, no matter what the circumstances. My brother can’t feed or clothe himself. Do I have the right to take his life? No! He deserves to live just as much as I do.
Pro-life people are allowed to share their opinion. To be called names for standing up for their beliefs is childish and bullying. You can disagree with a person without calling names.
Tim Tebow had kidneys. And a bladder. And an anus. This is a TOTALLY different situation than Tim Tebow. Our baby was missing human organs necessary for survival. And as I hope you know, not even the almighty subpar backup quarterback of the New York Jets can miraculously grown human organs out of thin air. So unless you think the dozens of ultrasounds performed by some of New England’s best doctors were wrong or misread — or if you can tell me how to produce kidneys and bladders spontaneously — your Tebow explanation is completely moot and utterly pointless.
And you’re wrong in that it IS my wife’s right to decide what she wants to do with her own body. In this case, tragically our baby was not going to survive. So we made the best decision for us and that is not only our right, it’s the law of the land. You might not like it, but don’t tell me we don’t have the right to do what’s best for us. YOU don’t have the right to dictate what my wife can and can’t do with herself.
And again, your brother is alive. Our baby would never have survived out of the womb. And if you want to talk about name-calling, the pro lifers across the street were calling US names. I merely responded, and I didn’t even insult them that much. They called us murderers, the worst I called them was “lowest common denominator.” After all, you can hold a differing viewpoint without calling names. Take your own advice.
“After all, you can hold a differing viewpoint without calling names. Take your own advice.”
Umm…the person you replied to didn’t call you any names.
They implied he was childish and a bully. Pretty sure those are names.
Personally, if something like this happened to my fiancee (she’s a woman and desperately wants children), I don’t know if I could restrain myself from beating the crap out of them, let alone acting as politely as you did. What those bullies did to your pour wife is horrendous and disgusting.
Mad props man.
Needed to drop a comment and let you know your Feed seriously isn’t working today. I tried including it to my Bing reader account and also absolutely nothing.
You know, I could go on a long rant about how ridiculous people like that are, and how much of a waste of space they are. I’m by no means a supporter of abortion, although I feel there are a great many situations that merit the procedure.
In the case of protesters like that, however, I honestly do sometimes feel like beating them repeatedly with several decapitated cabbage patch kids dolls, for sheer irony. I’d resort to nonviolent means, like logical discussion, but it appears that this only enrages them further, after they realize their arguments fail to hold water.
Wow, I was amazed at the immense anger on both sides of the issue, both pro-life and pro-choice. Both sides are ranting about each others hypocrisy, accusing each other of name-calling. Are we really getting anywhere?
News flash: you’re not convincing “the other side” that you’re right.
Did you honestly think that the person in the video actually thought that he could convince the two protesters that easily? Maybe your right and maybe your wrong. If you are right, then tell us how you know that those two protesters were not convinced.
First of all, I was talking about the string of comments on this post from both sides, arguing and name-calling. Sorry for not being specific enough.
Although it’s true that in the video, the two protesters are not going to be convinced by someone yelling at them. They walked away to avoid confrontation, not because they thought he was right. Honestly, I understand that he was naturally very upset, but these women probably saw him as someone not to be taken seriously because he was shouting.
Did you see them walk away?
I’m confused. Because they walked away from a shouting, clearly emotional man, that means they were convinced they shouldn’t be demonstrating?
I think that what “avon” meant was, “Were you there to witness the situation yourself?” He probably thought you were trying to credit yourself as an actual witness to what was going on and did not believe you actually were. He most likely did not realize that in the article it was written that the protesters were gone by the time the man and his wife had left the clinic.
“News flash: you’re not convincing ‘the other side’ that you’re right.”
News flash: That wasn’t the point. But carry on with your bad self.
Yeesh.
Right now I’m way too sad to write more except:
Mr Gouveia that was great!
I am so sorry that you hat to abort your child – I can’t imagine what kind of feeling it is but I guess rising up against those bigots was difficult so I really admire it.
All the talkings about “not convincing each other” – it was about “not being bullied by some Christians”.
You can’t convince those radicals but you can run things around them because what they were doing is just terrible and kinda sad.
They are frustrated in life, they would have no point living it without their religious fanatism but that doesn’t justify to discriminate against people who can live their life without such bigotry.
I really admire your and your wife’s strength and I hope those feeling are calming down – I fear they will never go but I really hope you can live your life without thinking about that day every single second soon.
I would first like to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you and your wife had to go through.
And secondly, thank you so much for standing up for your wife and other women who are in horrible situations. So many people are quick to judge but they honestly have no idea what it is like to stand in another person’s shoes. Those “protesters” are indeed judgmental bullies.
This man deserves an award. Everything he has said is 100% right. I’m sorry, but if you reply with your own opinions I don’t care, they’re opinions (unless you decide to lash out, then that’s just childish). But I applaud that man for standing up for so many women who have to make that choice. There ARE good people in the world.
The idea that a fetus is a person or “little pre-born baby” is a philosophical/religious belief. Just because something is composed of human cells does not make that something a person. If it was universally believed that fetuses were persons then everyone would agree on the point that abortion is murder. For as surely as I am writing this, if a gunman burst into the hospital baby nursery and opened fire, there would be no doubt whatsoever that the gunman is a murderer.
Now, as there is dispute as to the personhood of a fetus along philosophical/religious lines, there is no dispute that a woman carrying a fetus IS a person. As she is the person, she has the choice as to what to do with her body, just as she does when she is not pregnant and that is how it should be. Just because YOU feel a woman carrying a stillborn should carry it to term is irrelevant. It is her choice whether to do that or not, just as it might be another woman’s choice to carry to term. I don’t know why it is so difficult to allow women to make their own decisions about their bodies.
Whether you like it or not, this is a pluralistic society in which, thankfully each of us is free to worship whomever we choose and to believe what we choose. We cannot limit people’s choices based on our own religious/philosophical beliefs. This is what pro life people have consistently tried to do with women and I think it’s wrong. I have to say as an adult woman it is also highly insulting.