Anna Levinzon photo
Aaron Gouveia and his wife were already having the worst day of their lives. Then came the abortion protesters.
“You’re killing your unborn baby!”
That’s what they yelled at me and my wife on the worst day of our lives. As we entered the women’s health center on an otherwise perfect summer morning in Brookline, two women we had never met decided to pile onto the nightmare we had been living for three weeks. These “Christians” verbally accosted us—judged us—as we steeled ourselves for the horror of making the unimaginable, but necessary, decision to end our pregnancy at 16 weeks.
After extensive testing at a renowned Boston hospital three weeks earlier, we were told our baby had Sirenomelia. Otherwise known as Mermaid Syndrome, it’s a rare (one in every 100,000 pregnancies) congenital deformity in which the legs are fused together. Worse than that, our baby had no bladder or kidneys. Our doctors told us there was zero chance for survival.
♦♦♦
I’m not a religious person and I’ve never believed in heaven or hell. But there is a hell on Earth. Hell is sitting next to the person you love most and listening to her wail hysterically because her heart just broke into a million pieces. Hell is watching her entire body convulse with sobs because she’s being tortured with grief. For as long as I live and no matter how many children we have, I will never forget that sound. And I vowed to do everything in my power to make sure she’d never make it again.
Across a crowded street, two people with “God Is Pro-Life!” signs and pictures of torn-up fetuses managed to drive the blade in even deeper. Again, I was left trying to console the inconsolable, feeling even more helpless this time, because I wasn’t allowed into surgery with her.
Running on pure adrenaline, and without even a hint of a plan, I grabbed my cell phone and crossed the street. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, I just knew I wanted to make public the cowardice of these protesters.
♦♦♦
♦♦♦
I learned a few important things from this encounter. First, these people aren’t used to being confronted. They prey on the weak and they pounce on the wounded. It’s easy to berate people and shame them when they’re too beaten down to fight back. But I chose to do just that, and you can see what happened.
They spout the same tired rhetoric passed out at rallies and subway stations. They don’t have one salient response to any of my questions.
The most telling thing about their cowardice is when the woman on the right gets upset that I’m recording the conversation (which is perfectly legal) and then threatens to call the police. The irony is rich. She wanted to call the police because I was peacefully expressing my opinion on a public sidewalk and exercising my First Amendment rights, which is exactly what she was doing. But I’m not on “God’s side,” am I.
She also claims the women at the clinic are suicide risks. Even if she believed that were true, does she really think yelling at them and shaming them in public is going to encourage these women not to kill themselves?
♦♦♦
After I took a walk and calmed down, it was time to pick up my wife and go home. When we pulled out of the clinic, the protesters were gone, and a police cruiser was parked nearby with the lights flashing. My wife, still groggy from the surgery, managed to crack a little smile, and asked, “What did you do?”
I have no idea if it was my interaction with the protesters that got them to leave. I doubt it was, but my wife was convinced that was the case. At first, I didn’t think of it as a big deal, and I actually felt a little foolish for getting so heated.
My wife, suddenly serious, pointed out a women entering the clinic. Within minutes, she said, that woman would be making a serious choice. Whether she kept her baby or not, it didn’t matter—what matters is that she can make the decision that’s right for her. And she can make it without people screaming at her.
My wife and I wanted our second child. We loved her. We even had a name for her, Alexandra.
You never know the circumstances surrounding this kind of decision. Consider this my plea: stop terrorizing women. Stop adding trauma to their trauma. If you’re able, stand up to these bullies in nonviolent ways. Speak out. And if you have a camera, use it.
—Read Aaron Gouveia’s follow-up piece to Confronting LIfe, ”I Will Lie To Patients (Well, Only If They’re Having An Abortion)”.
—Aaron Gouveia is a regular contributor to The Good Men Project Magazine. Want to know when Aaron’s next piece comes out? Sign up for our email mailing list. To learn more about The Good Men Project, click here.
About Aaron Gouveia
I”m so sorry you and your wife had to go through that. Thank you sharing. It’s truly weird how i just stumbled upon this article because just last week, i had to make the same tough choice only i was 7 weeks instead of 16. I’m not married but I’ve been with the same guy for 2 years. I never wanted to think about having an abortion because I’ve always wanted kids and still do, but I’m still in college with not that great of a job so taking care of a child wasn’t feasible. I got so much crap from my family who are the “Christians” you encountered. One of my relatives looked me straight in the eyes and said, “God thinks abortion is murder. Are you willing to live with the face that you murdered your child?” Yeah. it was horrible. I didn’t have to do the surgery but i did have to do the pill. it wasn’t easy. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I’m only 23. Anyways, i just felt the need to share that with you. You and your wife are in my thoughts. You guys are very strong people to make that choice and i praise you for that. Thank you again for sharing your story.
*hugs*
To the Girl who knows the feeling & Aaron
Many {{{hugs}}}. from here for people who have had to make this tough decision..
I would particularly like to address the situation with the relative of “the Girl”. That person has absolutely no right to tell you what God thinks. 12 yrs ago, my Sister In Law, who I cared deeply about, had the nerve to call me a “Murderer!” 5″ from my face. This after I had gone through 5 miscarriages, but had just said I thought each family, each woman had the right to chose, and had a right to a safe procedure.
To this day, it is a wound that festers – but only because I have not told her off, out of love for her brother.
But I have also not had anything to do with her and will not until she apologizes. Another thing, although I held such beliefs, I kept them to myself. After this experience with the SIL, I went to DC for the March for Woman’s Lives. After having such a taste of the unreasonable vitriol & hate, I realized people needed to stand up to these bullies.
And Aaron, having worked in a hospital I can tell you that such situations as yours happen all too frequently – I think you made the right, very painful decision. Thank you both for your tales – I hope they change some minds. Be well.
I’m generally pro-life. That’s not going to change, but that stated – your and your wife’s situation isn’t the type of situation I object to. This was a completely medically legitimate, but very saddening reason to have an abortion operation.
My only real objection to the practice is when it’s used as a form of birth control. Although this conflicts with my concerns of overpopulation, I figure if you’re going to have a healthy child, one should put it up for adoption if it is unwanted. Otherwise, one should simply abstain if one is not ready for the consequences of sexual relations.
But this reason? Entirely legitimate, entirely heartbreaking, and extremely sad that ineffective protesters had to worsen an already bad situation.
But the problem is that a protester cannot tell the reason a woman is going in for a procedure, and they are launching a blanket attack on all people who go into the clinic. It’d be much more effective if they approached the right audience.
This father could not change his circumstances or the fact that his wife was undergoing the procedure unwillingly, no matter how much these protesters shamed, harassed and yelled at him.
It is entirely impossible to understand the situation someone is in at that time. Especially from a male’s perspective. Our male privilege and history of oppression itself gets in the way of understanding and allowing the rights of womyn to their own bodies.
I find it very difficult to believe that someone would have an abortion without good reason, I think it would be incredibly rare that anyone would use it as a method of birth control, I dont know where that idea comes from. Perhaps in the past before contraception it may make sense for a person to have several abortions. I cant imagine anyone really planning to have such a procedure. Still it is the same idea. Noone can comprehend what the situation is for another person and therefore has no grounds to judge. Our faith shouldnt be in this all powerful being that dictates rules and makes us feel like we have no control of or rights to our own bodies, it should be faith in the fact that women having the idea of abortion are not maliciously attempting to commit murder, obviously this blanket idea doesnt make sense.
As someone said earlier “when a fetus’s rights come before that of the womyn’s rights, that is when the womyn is enslaved by the fetus”.
Not only do pro life protesters have no idea what its like to be in someone elses position, the routine confrontation is done in such a wrong way. It is built on assumption and no logical reasoning. Working with persons in these positions and attempting to understand why they need to abort would be a much better way to go about letting people know you think that it would be good if people got a chance at life. I dont think anyone is actually disputing that, there are just far too many variables to cover it with just a stubborn view point.
Thank you aaron for sharing your story. You’ve done a simple but great thing. I think it would be very productive to ask these church groups to get together and have a meeting with a group of people who have gone through abortions or are having to make this choice and express their stories as difficult as that may be. I understand ofcourse that many people would find this extremely hard but it may be very productive if done in the right way.
There are women who have unprotected sex voluntarily, and have abortions if they get pregnant.
Usually they’re young and uneducated, and I suspect they’re also liable to be emotionally troubled to one degree or another, using sex or submitting to it because of poor self-respect.
I’d rather help young women like that come to respect themselves, physically and spiritually, rather than subject them to further abuse by telling them they’re murdering their own children.
How about do NIETHER and teach them how to use a condom everytime on top on birth control pills.
It is birth control. I don’t get it: so one abortion is somewhat ok, but two or more? What should the outcome be? What is it to all of you anti choicers?
I’m really glad that, for now, I don’t have to run my decisions about MY body past some smug self-righteous penis owner like you.
“My only real objection to the practice is when it’s used as a form of birth control.”
If one more person says this I might explode with rage.
Are you listening? You sure? Good. Here goes: ABORTION IS BIRTH CONTROL.
If you want to get into semantics with me (which you probably don’t want to because I have quite a way with words), abortion is the only true form of birth control. Think on it, everyone. Condoms, pills, IUCDs all prevent pregnancy. What prevents a birth once you’re already pregnant? ABORTION!!!
Take that, stupids.
Your wife is very lucky. There was no one to yell at protesters for me when I went through this. I wish there were more people like you in the world willing to confront these people and make them open their closed little minds, or at the very least shut up! Thank you for sharing this, and I wish you and your wife the best.
I agree with you that it would be nice in a perfect world for them not to be harass people on the worst day of their lives. However, because of free speech it makes it impossible for this to be accomplished. If they actually “got their wish” and the legal choice was removed then it would mean that they would no longer know where to protest because they wouldn’t know where these procedures were being performed anymore. We must make sure that the safe choice is available to all women and unfortunately that will mean that these parasites will be there too.
Good for you for standing up to these bullies, and calling out their hypocrisy! Your story and video brought me to tears. I hope it inspires others, too.
Thank you so much for standing up against such hateful actions. Your actions and words have touched so many people.
Kudos for being a good person and having the courage to do this. You inspire me and my likes (too angry, yet too lazy to do stuff) to take simple yet effective steps like these to stand up and speak out.
I’m sorry for you and your family but I’m moved by your courage. What an example you set and if I had a husband do what you did I would be grateful and proud.
My husband and I also had to make the choice you and yoru wife made. Our daughter Erin, also our second child, had triploidy, another diagnosis “incompatible with life”. Luckily our procedure took place in an unmarked office in a discreet building — there were no protesters to make the already awful day even worse. Thank you for standing up for all of us who had to make that hard choice.
The world needs more people like you. If my (future) sons turn out half as courageous, righteous and upstanding as you, I will be a proud mother. You are a good man, a great father, and a hero to, if not women everywhere, at least every woman that had to enter the clinic later that day. If there is a Heaven, you will have not only a wall, but a whole darn /house/ of gold bricks, with your unborn child inside. If anyone was doing God’s work in that video, it was you.
My deepest condolences on the loss of Alexandra.
This hits close to home. My wife and I are the proud parents of a 2-year-old girl, and would love to have another child, except for the fear of going through the same things you guys did.
I cannot tell you how your experience weighs on my mind (and my wife’s). How we would feel, what we would do… What if this, what if that?
Our first attempt at a child resulted in miscarriage. Our second attempt (ultimately) turned out ok, but that was after 10-months of obsessing over heartbeat checks, ultrasounds, amnio, blood tests, and all sorts of other things that practically broke my wife mentally and spiritually.
She wanted a baby so bad she endured, but where you describe your wife convulsing… Man, I kept playing that scene over and over in head that whole time… It chills me to the bone. She still can’t talk about it.
To read your post and to see your video – I just can so easily put myself in your place. What happened to you could have easily happened to us. I just cannot believe how spectacularly ignorant some of these protesters are.
That you said over and over how this was the “worst day of your life” – I’m sure it never occurred to them how that could be true. Or worse, it does occur to them but they consider your feelings “collateral damage” in a wider confrontation – simply put, they don’t care. Either way, I take a surprising amount of pleasure in your confrontation.
I am very sorry for your experience.
You, sir, are a good man indeed. Thank you for standing up for those who can’t, and pushing those damn bullies back where they belong.
“You, sir, are a good man indeed. Thank you for standing up for those who can’t”
There is no way any reasonable person could miss the irony in this, right? LOL…standing up to those evil sign holders, while his defenseless, innocent fetus is being slaughtered inside an abortion clinic. One might even say- oh I dont know- Alexandra could not stand up for herself. But yeah, the people with the signs standing up for Alexandras right to not be kill like an animal…THOSE are the bullies.
Another deranged pro-liar who apparently thinks it’d have been better for the wife to give birth to an infant that would suffer and die within a day or two. Because it would have been GAAWWWWRRRD’S WIIIILLLLL.
Work on your reading comprehension skills. I am not a Christian, nor any kind of theist, so it has nothing to do with the will of a god. It has everything with murdering your own offspring because you are not comfortable that she will not live long. Every person of this earth is dying, so why it is ok to kill someone because of that fact?
Ava, it’s not only that Alexandra will not live long, but the short time of her life will be filled with pain and suffering. I would not want that for any child of mine — for her to live for less than a few days, and be in pain the entire time.
If I knew someone’s whose whole life was mere pain and suffering in the worst possible way and the only thing they had to look forward to was death, then yes it would definitely be ok to help them end their life or kill them if they cannot do it for themselves.
I also have no objection to killing CELLS that have NO BRAIN and NO LIFE, rather than wait months for those cells to transform into a tiny human being who would suffer tremendously the few moments it might live. How could you NOT want to abort your “child” in the author’s situation, have you no mercy? Is your sense of morals or ethics really surpassing compassion to do what is right not for you, but for the child?
Not to mention the part where doctors said it would be still born, so your comment about not being comfortable with your child not living long is out of context here. This cluster of cells would never have even become a living baby.
How can you be against abortion and NOT believe in god? That’s like the only reason I can think of for someone to oppose abortion. You know, cause people do all sorts of crazy things because of god. Not that I’m saying that not believing in god makes you in any way smarter than believing. I’m just interested.
Holy cow, my heart is pounding like crazy after watching that. Rock on, Angry Dad. That was AWESOME.
I’m so sorry about your family’s tragedy. That is extremely sad and these people are awful for making a terrible day even worse.
You are a good man. I think you did a great job of not letting your anger get the better of you. I would’ve been likely to resort to profanity. I admire your courage.
Who’s the social retard that came up with the entire pro-life campaign? Seriously! Who was it that thought, “Hey guess… let’s go stand on the corner with pictures of an aborted fetus and harass people randomly, maybe they’ll see the light!
How stupid do you have to be to think that will have any positive impact what-so-ever. All it does is hurt people who are already hurting. If you can’t see that, then how Christ-like are you guys really being? I mean, you want to call people out on killing by your standard, can’t we call you out on acceptance and understanding by your standard?
Who uses abortion as birth control?
Really, I’d like to see some numbers, because I don’t think any woman who goes through that procedure would make a habit of it unless she was mentally ill.
I want to know, and you right wingers better have some numbers. How many women in the US have had more than one abortion per year? How many women have had more than 10 abortions over the last 10 years.
Really, just show me one person who uses abortion as casually as condom. I challenge you.
Don’t be shocked when you have trouble finding statistics to back up your fear.
I suggest the NAF fact sheet. http://www.prochoice.org/about_abortion/facts/women_who.html
I’m currently reading When Abortion Was A Crime by Leslie J. Reagan for a Gender Studies class. Horribly interesting facts there, the last time women seemed to really use abortion as “birth control” was before there was any birth control. During those times it was common for women to have over 10 in their lifetime. But all they had was a rhythm and a prayer. Buying a box of condoms or packs of pills is generally a hell of a lot cheaper and easier than having an abortion.
Uhh, carried away much?
Try asking high school girls, possibly.
I’m only eighteen and used to go to high school smack dab in Kansas there was A LOT of people I knew that probably got abortions as a form of birth control, and if they weren’t, they were missing the rest of the school year to have their baby who are never going to have a stable father figure in their life.
I’ve sadly even had some relatives who aborted a probably healthy child because of fear of what their parents would say or because they just could not handle having a child or another child and just have been quite promiscuous.
I’m sorry, I know I can be a bit immature, but asking “Who uses abortion as birth control?” even if it’s rhetoric just seems ignorant if you’re implying that people DON’T because some of us out there are not part of statistics.
“Smack dab in the middle of Kansas”? Well, there’s your answer. It’s a state run by extreme wingnut fundies who don’t want girls/women to have any access to abortion, birth control, or sex ed, because that would get in the way of their becoming Broodmares for Jesus™.
Who’s the social retard that came up with the entire pro-life campaign? Seriously! Who was it that thought, “Hey guys… let’s go stand on the corner with pictures of an aborted fetus and harass people randomly, maybe they’ll see the light!
How stupid do you have to be to think that will have any positive impact what-so-ever. All it does is hurt people who are already hurting. If you can’t see that, then how Christ-like are you guys really being? I mean, you want to call people out on killing by your standard, can’t we call you out on acceptance and understanding by your standard?
Who uses abortion as birth control?
Really, I’d like to see some numbers, because I don’t think any woman who goes through that procedure would make a habit of it unless she was mentally ill.
I want to know, and you right wingers better have some numbers. How many women in the US have had more than one abortion per year? How many women have had more than 10 abortions over the last 10 years.
Really, just show me one person who uses abortion as casually as condom. I challenge you.
Don’t be shocked when you have trouble finding statistics to back up your fear.
I suggest the NAF fact sheet. http://www.prochoice.org/about_abortion/facts/women_who.html
Well, I’m a pro-life “social retard” and I have an Ivy League degree.
Um, Jason? That is what the pro-life movement has been saying for, you know, decades. We KNOW abortion is difficult, and the vast majority of women have a very rough time. You see, it makes us ladies kinda sad when our offspring dies, and I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for women once they relieve they themselves killed their own child. Ever heard of Silent No More?
LOL, the pro-choice movement is so schizophrenic. Abortion is SO difficult and hurtful for women! It is the worst day of her life!! And then…… Women do NOT have any emotional difficulty after abortion! Abortion is super empowering for women. Post-Abortion Syndrome is just anti-choice propaganda!!!!!!
Oh by the way, thanks for using the word retarded. That is very classy. Not suprising that a pro-choicer would have no respect for the disabled, though, considering over 90 percent of „retarted“ Down Syndrome fetuses are killed, which you support. Oh, I am sorry, you support the choice to rip apart fetuses because they are disabled. As if there is any moral difference. You could not even bother to offer condolences for the death of Alexandra in your post, but she was, after all, a retarted baby.
The word is “retarded” with two D’s, hon.
And the only reason pro-choicers have felt the need to paint abortion as a difficult choice is because you pro-LIARS love to slut-shame women. It’s not difficult at all for many of us, and we wish that our side would stop pandering to your reactionary ideas.
LOL, and that is why the pro-choice movement is so evil and can never survive. Someone disrespects disabled humans, the pro-lifer stands up for these people, and gets attacked for spelling a word wrong. English is my 5th language btw.
Really, we think pregnant women are sluts? Guess I must be a slut then because I have been pregnant. In fact, I suppose I am a HUGE slut…I have pregnant 3 times in fact! As well as a ton of other pro-lifers. Sex is awesome. Killing your offspring is evil. Not too difficult to see the difference. You Americans are NUTS. Everything to you is an attack on your precious sex life. When your government wants dead-beat dads to pay child-support, do you say they are slut-shaming men for choosing to have sex?
What a proud country you are. You murder tons of Iraqi children, so it is not surprising you do not really care about snuffing out the lives of your offspring and claim it is no big deal. Abortion is sadly legal here in Germany, but it is considered a huge deal and way more difficult to get than in America, despite the fact we have a very small pro-life movement and not very many religious people.
Seriously lady, shut up.
I had an abortion. It was the worst day of my life. I grieved for months.
HOWEVER, it was important for me to have that abortion. It is enabling me to finish college and to build a better life so that when I’m ready for children I can support them in every way needed.
I had the choice of letting that ‘poor unborn child’ come into this world where I wouldn’t have been able to support it or give it the time it would have needed or stopping it before it was self aware enough to hate its own life.
I did it for my family, the one I will have in the future and the one I will be able to financially support and emotionally care for appropriately.
So, being the ‘selfish’ person I am, I’m telling you to stop talking out of your ass.
Having lived in Europe and in Germany for most of my life I’d have to disagree with you on abortion being hard to get, or it being very uncommon in Germany. Perhaps you have spent your life in different circles than me (or perhaps people who have had abortions and know you would never even DARE say anything to you in fear of being slanted). What do you mean with “hard to get”?
And how can you say there are not very many religious people in Germany, when your head of state is from the Christian party? Maybe you meant that there aren’t very many crazy protesting Christians, which is of course really awesome. Besides, taking into consideration the huge and ever-growing Muslim population, religion is probably bigger than you think!
Oh and I’m SO impressed with English being your 5th language, oooo. You’ve probably studied it in school many more hours than some native people here, so you really should know how to spell retarded. That’s just a stab at you personally, cause I don’t like your opinions. Or the way you present them.
I’m soooo sorry that you and your wife had to live through that.
They’re just grown up bullies.
I’m not saying they can’t protest, just go protest at places where the laws are actually created and made, not in front of the family, the mom, that is about to make one of the scariest and biggest decision of her life.
How does that situation help anybody?
I can’t even imagine what sort of person would do that to you and your wife. My condolences to your family for your loss. Thank you for standing up to the protesters, and thank you for writing the article. I can only hope your experience can help educate those who continually spew so much hate and mis-information.
Mr. Gouveia,
Your article is very inspiring, especially given current events about children being so bullied, they commit suicide…you showed that it is possible to confront bullies and emerge victorious ( if that is possible to feel on such a terrible day). I am truly saddened to read about you and your wife’s experience. I cannot begin to imagine what it felt like…although you brought me to tears reading your description of sitting with your wife. I think what is truly amazing, no matter what YOU were feeling, and again I cannot beign to imagine…you did not make this about you.
You inspire…
You’re courage inspired me and moved me to tears. I have been in the same situation entering a clinic and being hounded and harassed by people who seemingly have no idea the internal torture I had already endured and paid no attention to my sunken skin or swollen eyes or obvious physical and mental turmoil. Thank you for sticking up to these people. Just my watching your video, I feel I got something major off my chest.