Men aren’t supposed to go to counseling, they’re supposed to be tougher than that, right?
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For a lot of men, the thought of going to a counselor for therapy is silly. It’s just not part of the man code to go and see a counselor. Seeing a counselor means talking about feelings and your childhood and there’s always the potential of the counselor telling you that your problems are occurring because you’re still in love with your mother. It’s no wonder then, why a lot of men don’t seek out counseling. And then there’s always the question of ‘do I need therapy anyway’? Everyone goes through rough spots. But how do you know when you need therapy? Let’s take a look.
Five signs a man needs to see a counselor.
1) The ‘rough patch’ stays rough for a while. Everybody goes through rough patches now and again. Whether it’s a rough time at work, a rough time in your marriage or a rough patch in life. But if these rough patches stay rough for a while you probably ought to see a counselor. You could wait it out, but what’s the point? Seeing a counselor sooner than later ensures that you get back on track sooner and start enjoying life sooner, too.
2) Your wife/mother/significant other suggests counseling. As a counselor who specializes in marriage counseling, I dread phone calls from men. I dread them because they usually go something like this: Me: Hello? Him: Hi, I need to set up an appointment for my wife and I to come to counseling. She’s been threatening to divorce me for three years and she finally left this morning. Do you have any appointments later today? Me: I have an appointment for later this week if that will help. Him: Okay. Great. Let me call my wife and see if she’ll come.
They normally don’t call back. The ones who do call back are just being courteous to tell me that their wife has gone to the courthouse for the divorce papers and won’t be needing my services after all. Men, do yourselves a favor and go to counseling the FIRST time your wife/mother/significant other suggests it.
3) You want more out of life. In his book Real Boys by William Pollack, PhD, Dr. Pollack talks about the ‘boy code’ that we hear as young men. As young men we often hear to sit down, shut up, and don’t complain. We’re also told to suck it up, don’t cry and move on. So as grown men we often feel like we can’t want more out of life because we just have to suck it up and accept our life as it is. But counseling is a great way to get exactly what you want out of life and get the tools you need to get there. You may have to talk about your feelings but you shed those unwanted burdens that are keeping you down. And you get exactly what you want out of your life in the mean time, too.
4) You’re easily irritated. Men display mental health difficulties differently than women do. Women internalize their difficulties by feeling sad, quiet and guilty. Men are much more external in their displays of mental difficulty. This means they get irritated at others more, become more aggressive and even become physical at times. If this isn’t how you normally react to stress and you’re reacting this way more and more it’s time to see a counselor. If you do normally react this way to stress, you still need to see a counselor.
5) You just want to be left alone for extended periods of time. Everybody goes through spells where they just want to be left alone for a few hours, night a day or a weekend. But if you find yourself day after day just wanting to be left alone by your wife, kids and colleagues at work it’s time to see a counselor. Being left alone is a temporary solution. Sometimes being left alone temporarily is all you need to get your mind back in the game and get a fresh perspective on how to fix things. But if you find yourself wanting to be left alone day after day after day, that’s a big red flag that something more serious is going on.
Unfortunately, there’s still a stigma about seeing a counselor. And for some reason, many men wait until the last minute or just don’t go at all. But a real man does whatever a man has to do in order to be a man; including going to counseling.
Photo: THX0477/Flickr
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I think the biggest misconception that people have is that you only need a counselor if something is wrong. By saying that you need a counselor you’re admitting to yourself that “something is wrong.” Something may be wrong, but a counselor can be seen and sought if nothing’s wrong but if you just want to prevent future problems. The Army recently has been working on a preventative program for suicide and PTSD. It’s all about mental toughness and mental toughness isn’t about waiting until there’s a problem, it’s about stopping something before it becomes a problem. Chances are that if… Read more »
Great Article, very helpful and informative. A lot of this applies to me, more than I’d like to admit, but I’m still terrified of the idea of seeing a counselor. I know someone that’s going to start working as a social worker, so I hope they can help me out with that. As for the oedipal complex thing, I really don’t understand that as something to be afraid of. Isn’t that a bit too Freudian? Most counselors probably wouldn’t tell you anything like that unless they were a psychoanalyst or something would they? And isn’t it looked at more in… Read more »
#4: You’re easily irritated… My husband just broke things off with a long-time friend and colleague (and investor group buddy)….his friend was getting more irritable and blew up all over his family….we have stood by them and tried to support and intervene,…but there is so much you can do if someone does not admit that there is a serious problem with himself ,…and lies and hides and covers up….in fact, this ex-friend tried to show fake therapy bills to my husband the last time they saw each other at an investors’ meeting to try to fool my husband into thinking… Read more »
I used to think I could just tough it out. That’s what some therapists now call the “Good Soldier” archetype. I tried that until it just couldn’t work anymore and I imploded. Then I came to the acceptance that my brain is a physical organ. Sometimes brains malfunction and you need some medicine to help. If I developed a heart condition, there would be no shame in taking heart medication, so there should be no shame in antidepressants. There’s a practical, just-the-facts aspect to traditional masculinity that I tapped into. Something’s not working right, so do what you can to… Read more »
I am sure you are good at what you do and are a caring professional.Nonetheless,my experiences with counseling mirrors that of my experiences with life.The world of counseling is full of the same biases I see in the world.When I was depressed as a SAHD because of the unexpected isolation I experienced from my community, the therapist couldn’t relate. As it turnsout,therapists in school are only just recently-in some schools-learning about the importance of fatherhood.When I took psyche 101 last year,I learned that the biases in how we percieve men in general and fathers specifically are deeply enthrenched in culture.Similar… Read more »
Hi everyone, and this is especially for Dulce ………
There’s a great organization too called Mankind; mankindproject.org. There seem to be varying quality of ‘chapters’, but my experience of this group in Johannesburg in South Africa was very good. It’s worth checking out to see if it’s in your area. Often a group approach is somehow ‘easier’.
That sounds great! Thanks so much for your advice.
I wish there was some way of convincing my boyfriend to go to counseling again. He said he went once after he had a nervous breakdown at work. He said he felt “naked’ and “it didn’t work.” He also didn’t have success with Prozac. He doesn’t want to give counseling or medication a second chance and I know he needs it because he is using alcohol, pot, and stubbornness destroy his potential. I understand that it has to be up to him to want to get help or else it won’t work, I’ve been there too, but sometimes I wish… Read more »
Hey Dulce,
For what it’s worth, for those who are reluctant to go to counseling, sometimes they’re more willing to read a book or read an article, etc. And sometimes this opens things up so that they’re more willing to see a counselor, too. Books are less intrusive than someone asking probing questions and a lot of people like the fact that they can hide it in their nightstand when company comes over. Hope it helps.
Thank you for your input. You may be right about using articles. I’ve done it before when I felt he was gaslighting and I actually used the article on this website. It worked and he made changed after that. Thanks again!
For anyone who has any doubts about seeing a counselor, here’s two things to consider. First, I can’t remember where I heard or read this, but seeing a counselor is just like seeing an accountant or a lawyer – you’re getting professional advice from an expert. Like an accountant or lawyer, a counselor is there to hear about your problems, consider what you’ve told them and offer practical advice and solutions. Second, after seeing a psychologist for a few months in 2006 and a psychiatrist from 2007-2012, counseling provided enormous benefit to my life. Not only did it confirm something… Read more »
I wish I knew this years ago. I lost everything dear to me.
I’m sorry that you lost everything. I hope you don’t dwell on it too much and are able to look above it and get some help.
@Aaron..
#4 I have to disagree. I think men keep their issues/problems bottled up. Then they tend to engage in self-destructive behaviors like alcohol, womanizing, etc. I am a man over 50 and this is what I see happening. Men are in denial most of the time about their mental state.
Terrence Real’s book, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” is an excellent book on depression in men. He said often men suffer from overt depression and covert depression. He thinks the latter is more common in men, while the former is more common in women.
I don’t think you are disagreeing; I think you’re agreeing but you don’t realise it. When Aaron says they’re easily irritated he’s not talking about “by the things that are the issue”, he means by niggling little things that interfere with the task of bottling up. Being ratty and short-tempered. Not displaying the depression itself, but almost as if the effort of not showing it requires a level of concentration that means you can’t tolerate even the most mild of stressors without wanting to snap at it.
Hi Jules @Joseph is right. We are not disagreeing. Alcohol, womanizing, etc. are perfect example of ways men externalize mental difficulties. Thank you for pointing out other very typical examples of ways men show mental difficulties. Your’e exactly right about them.
This sounds so much like me its scary.perhaps i should see some one. although i do not know want a therapist can do for me. i do not want a stranger knowing my thoughts,fears,dreams,sexual activities. no one wants to be told they are unbalanced or sick.
I’d have thought rather a stranger knowing it, than someone who knows you’re entire social network and can talk about you with them! That’s the beauty of it – you can open up about the stuff you bottle up and you know that it’s just between you and that one person. They won’t tell anyone else, because it’s their job not to, and even if they were tempted to, who would care to hear it? No one they know, knows you! I think in some ways we men have more to gain from counseling than women precisely because we have… Read more »
Yeah, you’d think I’ve talked to a few men on my couch before, huh? If you think you could benefit from seeing a counselor, just go and see one. What do you have to lose?
No therapist is ever going to tell you that you are ‘unbalanced’ or sick. Sure something more serious might be wrong but professionals don’t use such blasé terms. Seeing a councillor doesnt even mean you have any mental health problems, it can just mean that you have having a tough time in life for that time period.