Flirting while married? Playing with fire, or keeping the embers glowing?
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Most of the guys I know flirt. Most are married and some are single. Flirting has been a problem for some of them, especially the married ones. Do you flirt?
I have always flirted whether single or married. The way I flirt and the intention of flirting changes depending on my marital status.
Some people believe that once married you should never flirt. Why is that? I can think of a number of reasons like: your partner may find it insulting, they may wonder what your intentions are, they may feel you don’t care, that you are insensitive, that you are looking for something better, that you are unsatisfied, and that his or her feelings don’t count for much. In other words, your flirting is very upsetting to them.
On the pro side of flirting: it is a natural expression of your libido, lust for life, and playfulness, it keeps your partner from taking you for granted, it makes you feel alive, it makes you feel attractive (at least when it is reciprocated) and, it reminds you of the dance between people who are alive to sensuality.
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The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines flirt (v) as: to behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously.
Similarly, in Your Dictionary: it is to act as if one is sexually attracted to another person, usually in a playful manner.
And yet when defining the noun (a flirt), it is someone who is behaving “in a way designed to be attracting, interesting and engaging to someone in whom they have a romantic interest.”
These definitions have some important differences. In the first two the behavior is not to be taken seriously and in the third definition the behavior is directed towards someone to whom they have a “romantic interest.” In other words, this is a serious attempt to woo through flirting.
There is no doubt in my mind that flirting when in a relationship has the potential for disaster on a number of fronts.
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For example, when courting my current partner, I flirted with her and I was serious in my intentions (we have since been in a relationship for sixteen years). Also, I have flirted with women in a playful manner with no intentions of it leading anywhere, both when I was single, and when I was in a committed relationship.
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There is no doubt in my mind that flirting when in a relationship has the potential for disaster on a number of fronts. First, playful flirting can have unintended consequences. You might become attracted to the object of your attention, you might get turned on to the possibility of some sexual engagement and, over time, the relationship might grow at the expense of your primary commitment.
In other words, when playing with fire, there is always the potential to get burned. Maybe, this is what makes it so exciting. I have seen buddies of mine push the envelope when flirting and getting themselves into hot water with their spouses by being a little too obvious in their engagement with other women.
Many of you know or have heard of people whose flirting ended with a sexual liaison that ended in a destroyed marriage. There seems to be much anecdotal evidence regarding the dangers of flirting when in a relationship, yet some of us continue to engage in this activity. Why is this?
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I suppose looking at it as an addiction is one perspective. There is definitely a “high” feeling when flirting. We become alive, animated, focused, and totally aware of the other person. Our senses are attenuated, the heart beats quickly, and the mind plays with fantasy and reality, balancing between playful teasing and serious intention or the “what if” scenario that bounces between the synapses of our brain.
Another reason might be the need to feel desired. Maybe your relationship has flattened out or become mired in the everyday chores of raising a family. When out at a party, someone gives you a little attention, you lap it up and return the vibe. A playful little encounter occurs – what harm could come of it?
I used to think that most men thought it was not a smart thing to flirt with another woman in front of their partner.
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First, that depends on whether your partner notices or not, and what they think about the encounter – are they threatened by it? Second, it depends on the meaning you give to it and how the encounter affects your future behavior.
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I used to think that most men thought it was not a smart thing to flirt with another woman in front of their partner. Having lived many years and being a therapist has changed my mind on this one.
Every day I hear women complaining about their partner’s flirting. These women feel disrespected and think their partners’ are hypocrites when imagining what would happen if they started flirting in front of their husbands. All hell would break loose.
And yet, these women hear their partners’ say, if they even admit to flirting, “We were just talking, don’t worry, it’s not serious, you’re being overly sensitive.”
There is a saying in psychology – all behavior is functional. In other words, it serves a purpose. It may be totally dysfunctional but, it has a purpose.
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These sorts of interactions typically don’t go well. The flirt-er thinks their partner is making too much about nothing, and their partner is furious and or threatened.
The simple answer to this problem is for the flirt-er to stop flirting when the partner is present. If they are unable to do this, a deeper look is required. Are they power tripping, being deliberately hurtful, or totally unaware of the effects of their behavior (narcissistic maybe)?
There is a saying in psychology – all behavior is functional. In other words, it serves a purpose. It may be totally dysfunctional but, it has a purpose.
Flirting, may point to something in the relationship or in the individual. Maybe the partner doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship, maybe romance is missing, or maybe they don’t respect their partner (or themselves). It could be many things.
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What is most important is for the couple to communicate with each other their definition of flirting, what it means to them, and how it affects them when they see their partner flirting.
Ultimately, it is an opportunity for deepening your connection with the one you love and deciding when, where, and how flirting is going to play out in the relationship. You never know, you might start flirting with each other.
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Photo: Canstock
Flirting in a marriage is NOT ok. Its not ok in a relationship because who wants to marry someone who is such an attention whore desperate to steal the next glance from the next pretty or handsome face that they in that moment forget the beauty or handsomeness next to them. The truth is all women i talk to or read about are all ok with this behavior in their men. And quite honestly I find this to be pathetic. Ive worked at resteraunts where old couples who appeared to be swingers came in openly flirting with others.. And these… Read more »
Excellent article which all women should read and digest. Life is a game and whoever does not play is already dead. Flirting will never threaten any mature self loving person even if it ends badly. Things change, people change, boredom sets in and partners stop making the other feel desirable. Starting over can be very positive. Whoever truly loves and is satisfied with their partner might flirt and even dream,but never do anything to risk losing that person just for an ego boosting moment of pleasure.
i agree with heather. if its going to get you in trouble, dont flirt when your partner is there? lol. if your partner is a flirt, make sure they know the borders and how to reserve themselves as an attached individual. that not only makes them appeal to their partner more, shows class, and is not easily acquired. if you met a woman that you can gain her full attention and flirty touching easily, so can another person. the woman is f88k and ch88ck. any high school student would know that my friend.
This is the dumbest article ever. Maybe I’m being harsh, but seriously, this is by far the most ridiculous article I’ve seen on The Good Men Project. If my partner is going to flirt, he better freaking do it in front of me and not behind my back. Besides, I find it fun to watch, like a cute little puppy playing with his squeaky toy. Listen, it’s not the flirting or the compliments that you may or may not be giving to other women that bother us, it’s the fact that you feel like you need to hide these things… Read more »
Your response is the dumbest ever. I’d like to really see how you would feel if your partner flirted in front of you, and ignored you for a full 5 min. Give me a break. You’re talking about being honest? I guarantee that your partners constant flirting in front of you will end the relationship, by you getting jealous.
I agree. I thought this article was superficial. I just left my husband due to flirting. I also do NOT believe anyone should do anything unwanted behind a partners back. That is called dishonesty etc and is even more likely to start an affair. What a stupid therapist!
I couldn’t flirt before I got married nearly 32 years ago and I doubt that I could flirt today. I love the comment above that if I wouldn’t do something in front of my partner then I shouldn’t be doing it. Signed: Fairly Clueless.
Carolyons-True flirting can be just flirting however when in a relationship there is another to consider. If flirting is so important to someone that they continue the behavior regardless of the feelings of another, then they obviously do not belong in the relationship.
My partner and I agree on a rule – don’t behave in a way or say something you wouldn’t do in front of your partner. If you’re talking to someone and it takes a flirtatious turn, you have to ask yourself – would I act this way if my wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend there? The same goes for online communication as well. I’m hardly a control freak. My boyfriend and I have our own lives, friends and interests. But haven’t survived an incident of infidelity – flirting gone too far, we know flirting can quickly go too far –… Read more »
Something is off here. The GMP has always been known for its candid articles. It’s a space for both women and men to talk about genuine gender experiences. The comments seem totally disingenuous to me. There is a level of hyper-morality being portrayed and we’re just talking about flirting! This practice doesn’t always have to be sexually driven. I engage many strangers enthusiastically and with genuine interest, but does that mean I’m flirting with them. Even if it is sexually driven and its some innocent passing moment with say… a cute cashier at the market or a server at a… Read more »
Despicable!!!
This article is disappointing. It’s advice is flirt, even if it makes your partner uncomfortable, and make sure they don’t know about it. Doing something you know your partner is not ok with and hiding it from them is betrayal. Betrayal is not healthy for relationships. If both partners are ok with flirting and they let the person they flirt with know they are taken, then that’s the couple’s choice. If both partners are not ok with it, then they should respect each other and not do it. If one person wants it and the other doesn’t, then they should… Read more »
Whether or not the spouse is OK with it it’s disrespectful to the person you’re flirting with to waste their time. I’ve lost track of all the women that have wasted my time by flirting with me when they knew they were in a relationship. Some people are oblivious, but flirting knowing you’re doing it and knowing that you’re in a relationship is really unfair to other people. Reminds me of the joke, where’s the best place to hide a leaf? In a pile of leaves. The fact that it also likely reflects a lack of commitment to the marriage… Read more »
There is a simple answer to this query.. if you’re in a fully committed relationship – don’t flirt. To do so is to act without authenticity, effectively saying that you’re not in a fully commited relationship to that person your flirting with – innocent or not. If you feel that its completely harmless, openly discuss it with the person you’re in relationship with and the person you’re flirting with – together- and see how harmless it is.
Steve I am surprised at your advice “stop flirting while your wife is present”.
Maybe I misunderstand what you are saying but sounds to me that you say a married man with a wife that hate it when he flirts and feel threatend by it, he can flirt as long as the wife do not see it.
Silke, I thought the same exactly thing! So healthy relationships are those relationships with which we still do what we want as long as we don’t do them infront of our partners??? Steve, your article shocks me. Could you be writing this from the perspective more of a regular man that likes to flirt then a professional supporting the health of relationships? What about flirting with your own partner. A novel ideal. What about investing your energy into your partner that may produce more connection, then flirting with other women behind your partners back, creating secrets in your relationship? Seriously,… Read more »