Tom Matlack talked to men and women all across the country about pornography. Are you ready for what they said?
I was at a dinner party recently with the CEO of a company involved in the video infrastructure of Verizon’s FiOS service. He told me (in gory detail) how the capacity constraint on the system is quite literally being driven by $14.99 pay-per-view pornography.
He was understandably amused by the stupidity of guys across the country, who eagerly consume porn movies—only to turn them off after an average of eighteen minutes. A porn purchase lasts 15 percent as long as a two-hour movie and still drives the capacity requirements of the entire system.
It is difficult to overstate the role that pornography plays in American life (especially, one could argue, in Utah, the nation’s most prolific downloader of online porn), or the hysteria that surrounds it.
Is Internet pornography really turning us all into sex addicts? Will boys who grow up on degrading porn be unable to form healthy sexual relationships as adults? Is repetitive porn viewing really changing our brains?
And, most importantly in my mind, are we—as guys—talking honestly about any of this? Are we ready to have a frank discussion about the role that online pornography plays in our lives? Are we ready to man up and tell the truth?
I recently set out to speak with readers and thought leaders about pornography in modern America. The response, which you can read below, was overwhelming. I invite you to continue the conversation in the comments area.
“What is going on to create such an accelerating and insatiable appetite for porn among men in our country? You clearly have no idea how much of 1985-1989 I spent looking at the same three 1978 Penthouses.”
—Joel Stein, Time
“The inherent problem with porn, from a female perspective, is there is minimal kissing or tenderness, much less sensuality. How many women want to wear high heels to bed? I would like to view what transpired between Rhett and Scarlett after he carried her up those stairs.”
—Cherie Welch, Atlanta, Georgia
“If you have to ask whether porn is good or bad, then you already have the answer. The question is how bad?”
—Todd Dagres, Spark Capital and owner of Twitter
“A couple of years ago, this tall, very fun, smart, and pretty 22-year-old woman told me she’d been with men her age at least twice who couldn’t have sex with her because she did not look like, or do in bed, what they’d seen in pornography. How depressing is that?”
—Margery Eagan, Boston Herald columnist and talk radio host
“An older gentleman friend told me that all that his 19-year-old grandson (who is a university student and lives with him) did with his time was visit porn websites online and that he, the grandfather, was convinced that it was why the grandson was failing at the university. In fact, the grandson had viewed so many of the sites that the computer became unusable; it had become infested with sexually explicit spam. He said he couldn’t decide whether to throw the computer or his grandson out.”
—Antwone Fisher, author of Finding Fish: A Memoir and How to Tie a Tie
“Porn just is. It’s not inherently good or bad. You can’t legislate desire. As soon as photography was invented, the French immediately began taking dirty pictures. As soon as the Internet was invented, Americans (and everyone else) immediately began sending dirty pictures. I think anything that is consensual, respectful, and above the age of 18 is okay. The problem comes when women are objectified and degraded. I think it’s a huge problem that encourages and leads to violence. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of porn has gone. And the porn involving children is horrific. Does this mean that porn is inherently bad? I’m not sure.”
—Michael Kamber, New York Times photojournalist
“Personally, I think there’s cause for concern, but I don’t think porn is the problem. The concern I have is with the lack I see of rational vocabulary about sex among young men and men in general. It’s easy enough to find porn of somebody having sex with themselves, or with lawn furniture, or whatever, and always has been. But if that’s all it is, sheer titillation and masturbation, then everybody involved is ultimately harmed in some way; consumers, distributors, and producers alike. My observation is that there’s precious little context for young men trying to figure this all out. And a lot of times, that precious little context is being provided by men who are still trying to figure it out themselves, or worse yet, by people who are profiting by exploiting the confusion.”
—Todd Mauldin, Bluesman, Reno, Nevada
“The hysteria around pornography is just not useful. A good bit about it is an ugly side-effect of the negative part of modern feminism; unattractive women who can’t get what they want, and instead of doing the logical thing, doing the best with what they have, they demonize male sexuality.
We live in what are ‘evolutionarily novel’ times. Men evolved to be visual—it was part of continuing the human race. Women evolved to be more circumscribed about who they have sex with—they have a far greater cost per sex act (potentially being pregnant for nine months and then having a child to raise). Male sexuality isn’t wrong or nefarious—we just live in times where there are forces playing on our evolved preferences.
Similar to the hysteria about porn consumption, people are beside themselves about young people ‘hooking up.’ Well, at a certain point, many or most will tire of that and want something more. And then they will go look for that. You can become addicted to lots of things—food, porn, shopping, collecting action figures. If it’s disrupting your life, keeping you from what you want, it’s a problem. Maybe not all men will want to connect or to develop themselves to a point where they can connect. This is their choice. Some will. And it’s up to parents to do the actual work of parenting to see that their kids turn out in a way where they have values, and can make choices that enhance their lives.”
—Amy Alkon, syndicated advice columnist, advicegoddess.com; author, I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society
“The scale of porn is huge. What causes the acceleration? It’s not abundant supply. It’s demand. Porn and teenaged boys have been inseparable since the beginning of time. The Internet offers more extreme porn than the airbrushed Playboy images I grew up on, but that’s not a reason to get unduly riled. I’m much more concerned about porn and adult males, many of whom seem to use it as a substitute for real relationships. Substitution quickly becomes distance, and distance becomes an unbridgeable chasm—and the porn-obsessed masturbator develops an unhealthy view of sex and women. Millions and millions of sick men out there. If I were an American woman, I’d be very cautious.”
—Jesse Kornbluth, former AOL editor-in-chief
“I don’t know how we put the genie back in the bottle on this one. I mean, it’s nice that the courts are taking a look at teen sexting, but what really has to be faced is the way we’re seeing a pornification of the culture—where young men are taught that the objectification of the self, the marketing of the sexual persona to others in slick media formats, is normal.
If you stand in a CVS and look at the magazine rack, you’ll see guy after guy who could be an Ultimate Fighter or porn star, and it feels like the message coming off the culture is that to succeed, or just to live, we all need to turn into killer porn stars; with tattoo sleeves and no privacy. If you look at the blog (NSFW) Guys With iPhones, I feel like what you see are picture after picture of guys looking to see if they fit that mold yet. And I don’t think that blog is hot—those guys all look lonely. I’m actually very pro-porn and erotica, but what I wonder is, where is all this loneliness coming from in the booming age of so-called social media? I think that loneliness is more of a problem than the porn which, to my mind, is just a symptom.”
—Alexander Chee, novelist
“Sex sex sex; America’s favorite neurosis. While I always support relative, appropriate boundaries and a parent’s right to determine those for their family, we too often jump to the presumption that we all agree that porn is at its moral core a negative. Whether it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘detrimental’ or ‘anti-progressive’ (a catch-all for feminist, gender sturdy, marxist, etc. critique), I cannot help but be aware of Foucault. The archeology of attitudes on porn in America begins in Puritanism.
If you think that is reductionist, I listen, but refer you to psychotherapy; sometimes a core issue is just that simple, despite the layers of complexity it engenders. We are ‘not supposed to have sex’ or, certainly, ‘wrong sex’ as defined by any number of social codes stemming from a 1,500-year history of cultural repression.
Consider this: in this code, we are ‘not supposed to be gay.’ Period. We all know that has hung in our emotional philosophies since they burned us fags out of the culture by the millions. Thankfully, the social progeny of the Enlightenment/American philosophy of liberty and equality is changing this slowly.
My short answer to why porn proliferates is that it’s about time we expressed our sexuality in its natural fullness again. Porn is the toe in the water made possible by new technology.
Regarding teens and porn… every family must set their guidelines. I myself have no problem with the natural sexuality of children, provided it is guided and channeled and not abused. Porn provides fantasy images, and I do not find that the majority of people, young or old, mistake it for either reality or the same expectations from the visual fantasy to the real relationship, other than wanting to try a technique discovered.
The problem with addiction and unrealistic sexuality comes from the absence of fathers in the post-industrial revolutionary world, and the narcissistic abdication of parents and elders from their traditional jobs as trainers and mentors. Fill that ancient and human need in children and teens and watch additions recede. Teach people how to be a full human being and watch the freedom of their exploits in reality.”
—Bennett Schneider, Los Angeles
“Not only is most of it deeply misogynist, but it provides both men and women an incredibly unrealistic sense of what sexuality is. Porn has nothing to do with actual, real-life sex, which is—above all—a deeply emotional experience, charged with shame and desire and anger and sadness and ecstasy. Porn is more like an infomercial for Sex: the Rowing Machine! I’d hate to be a teenage boy inundated by porn—it just makes them feel inadequate and angry and dismissive of women and their desires.”
—Steve Almond, author of Candy Freak
“Porn addiction will one day be recognized as a major public health crisis on the scale of alcohol and tobacco abuse. My primary concern is the use of porn for sex education. For many people, the first exposure to the intimate realm of sexual behavior is these selfish male fantasies which use female bodies with no reciprocity. We who advocate an enlightened sexual ethic find the messages in porn contradict true intimacy between couples. My second concern hurts fewer people, but far more deeply. The exploitation of young women and men who work in the porn industry is a sickness fed by high demand and all porn users bear some responsibility.”
—Haji Shearer, Fatherhood Advocate
“Clearly, there is a lot to say about how insidious and deleterious porn can be for women. But then there’s the whole argument that I even hear from my friends and peers about consensual porn use etc., everyone wants to say it doesn’t hurt them, just others. Anyway, I tend to go with the idea that sexual health is good for men (for themselves and their relationships—straight or gay) and the flood of pornography isn’t helping the sexual health of boys. All that being said, I think there’s another question for you about how you lead into this and whether you discuss the idea that we’ve known for a long time; that pervasive pornography has hurt women and girls but we haven’t stepped up for that, and now we step up because it isn’t good for boys… I think you can find a way to say something about both. This is what I think you are referring to overall (and you are not alone) for every time you discuss manhood, you will get the ‘what about women?’ question. It’s legit because of the context in which we live.”
—Lonna Davis, Family Violence Prevention Fund
“Porn is a core economic driver in Southern California, and a huge driver of hardware and software innovation on the internet. The press focuses on the ‘victims’ in the industry, which is undoubtedly true, but Jenna Jameson and Jenny McCarthy have used it as a starting point for more mainstream careers. The empowerment of women has been pushed real hard. In my view, one of the unintended consequences of that empowerment is that porn, strip clubs, etc., have become socially acceptable career paths. I could handle most anything, but the thought of one of my children in that business may be more than I could take.”
—Andy Oleszczuk, former Senior Vice President responsible for cable channel development, Tribune Company
“My concern about the rise of pornography—or the rise in its ease of access, especially online—is that it desensitizes both boys and girls, it makes serious activities casual and thereby serious relationships casual, and it rushes kids into matters that need maturity, if not adulthood. In different terms, it simply raises the pressure by raising the exposure. Does it cause more sex? More babies? I don’t know—and one needs to look empirically and not just react emotionally. But in a world where it is harder than ever for kids to be kids, I worry that the pressures only increase.”
—Rick Melvoin, Headmaster, Belmont Hill School for boys
“I’m probably the wrong guy to ask about porn because I don’t see nearly enough of it. Truly, I’m abashed when I’m among men who clearly do see their share, because I haven’t kept up, and it can be borderline embarrassing: flashback to talking to upperclassmen in high school and not wanting to reveal that you’re still a virgin. No man wants to be seen as a prude…
Aside from the well-documented and galling exploitation of those who work in porn, my general complaint with it has always been that porn’s so damn artless, so crass. Fast food versus slow food.. .Now that I’m raising boys, I expect I’ll get more and more sensitive to how ubiquitous it is, because I guess I do believe that a steady diet of porn warps guys’ expectations about sex. Yeah, I get the argument that a little arousal, self-abuse might be cathartic, and fantasies are better than rape. But I think porn generally encourages objectification of women’s bodies and leaves boys obsessed with sex acts/techniques rather than getting to know the person they’re having sex with.
I can recall guys for whom porn got in the way of real discovery. They thought porn was showing them something/spilling secrets, but it left them kind of screwed up/unable to even approach women. I don’t suppose I’ll be able to keep my boys from it, but I will discourage it, although maybe at some point I’ll watch it with them so I can express what I don’t like about it: It’s that so much of it is crude, ultimately numbing, that it steals power from something that should be great in your life. Porn cheapens sex, and if we all want to boast of cheap sex once or twice, we want better than cheap sex for all-time.”
—Brad Wieners, Executive Editor Men’s Journal
“Don’t forget the porn mongers at the S.E.C. While the country is crumbling and they’re supposed to fix it, these guys are spending eight hours a day surfing and downloading from porn sites.”
–Kevin Williamson, Los Angeles, California
“Porn is the biggest business on the Internet. There is currently an epidemic of men across America who prefer masturbating to porn over sex with their partners. Adolescents and children are overexposed and overstimulated. While I see nothing wrong in erotic material per se—there are couples who enjoy porn together—there’s a difference between eroticism and inundation. You could land in any major city in the U.S. in the morning and have a willing sexual playmate that evening. The Internet has distilled the porn industry, strengthened its breadth and reach.”
—Terry Real, author of I Don’t Want To Talk About It
“Just imagine the pressure inexperienced teens must feel, particularly those exposed to hardcore porn. They know it’s a fantasy, but how could they not be affected, consciously or otherwise, when their first time/first relationship finally arrives? As if there wasn’t enough pressure already (longer! stronger!), pornography simply adds one more layer of distortion (bite me! spank it!) and misinformation (hurts so good!) that impressionable teens don’t need. On the bright side, maybe porn has an intimidation factor that will frighten some youngsters into keeping their pants on a bit longer? Naw …”
—Jeffrey Wallace, writer and father, Orange Country, California
“We’re asking the wrong questions about porn: How bad is it? Is it morally wrong? The discussion I’d like to see us having, especially as it relates to teenage boys, is about the emotional impact of porn…what do boys ‘get’ from viewing or using porn? What is the charge (not just physically, but emotionally as well)? Are they aware of any feelings of disconnection, either before, during, or after viewing/using porn? Do boys feel that porn impacts their actual relationships with girls and women? If so, how? Would boys look differently at porn if they were aware that many of the girls/women who are shown in the images/videos are likely not enjoying the experience? Would they experience porn differently if they knew some of the girls/women are coerced or forced into being objects for their desire?”
—John Badalament, author of The Modern Dad’s Dilemna
“For me… I would rather approach from a pragmatic place rather than a values place. Approaching the subject from a good or bad place is engaging with parts of the psyche that are not (in my opinion) going to help someone face honestly what is going on in their relationship to porn.
In my life, it triggers the years that I discovered porn as a prepubescent born again Christian. Porn and sex were entirely entwined with guilt, shame, fear of my mother and God, and fear of becoming my father. It continues to be difficult to disentangle myself from early associations; dark and dirty, filled with cigarette smoke, the smell of body odor, and emotional paralysis.
Was it good? Bad? YES. Absolutely. Making a judgment call about porn creates a clear line in the sand that, in my experience, has been ineffective in helping men come to a healthy understanding of themselves and others.
Did it work? Yes and no. It provided an escape into fantasy out of a life that was often very dark and scary. And, at the same time, I developed a relationship with my own body and the bodies of women that was not tied very well to reality and definitely harmed my relationships… all the way to today.
Does porn work in the culture? For whom? When? How? It most definitely does not work well for a vast number of women who perform in the sex industry. In my opinion, it does not work well for boys trying to develop a realistic and functional way of creating intimacy with women. It may work in some adult relationships where a consenting couple chooses to actively ‘spice’ up their bedroom life. It may work for some men as a stress relief and a way to engage the right brain in a way that they are not encouraged to do in our culture. It also easily becomes addictive and compulsive (the SEC workers are a great example).
It works well to help boys and men create a dual existence —a kind of split personality which I believe strongly translates into a lack of emotional integrity or authenticity. Men lie about porn; to themselves, to each other, and to their partners. This lying becomes a habit… a way of interacting with the world. And I believe that any transition to a new masculinity is going to AT LEAST require that we get honest about it and ask ourselves… is this WORKING in our lives as men? And, what needs to change in order to make it work better?”
—Boysen Hodgson, Mankind Project
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In September, 2009, Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
About Tom Matlack
Too much is made about the evils of porn.
It all depends on the person. If you are addicted to porn that is bad. But really if you’re addicted to anything that’s likely not a good thing. But if you’re like the majority of men I know, you use porn as a temporary escape. Specifically, when you’re not getting any it’s a release. Plain and simple. End of story.
And it’s too bad so many women get their granny panties in a bunch about porn, because porn is best shared. My wife watches it with me sometimes and it’s wonderful. And she’s secure enough in our relationship not to go batshit crazy when she knows (but never actually sees) me watching it alone. The women who consider that “cheating” are the real problem. You can’t cheat if you never actually make contact with the other person. And just because you get married or commit to a relationship it doesn’t mean we stop fantasizing from time to time.
People love porn. And they love to hate porn. More importantly, they love to write about loving or hating porn because it guarantees reader interest. But in the end, it’s much ado about nothing.
“You can’t cheat if you never actually make contact with another person.”
If a man went to a hotel room with another man and a woman, and paid the two people to have sex in front of him while he masturbated, would his wife have reason to be angry?
Furthermore, if a married man and a woman simply masturbated in front of each other, would the man’s wife have reason to be angry? If the masturbating woman was married, would her husband have reason to be angry?
For the most part I agree with what you’re saying, but I do think the issue of whether watching porn is cheating or not is a gray area. I personally don’t mind if my boyfriend watches porn, but I can’t fault another woman for not wanting her boyfriend to watch porn. It’s a strange problem.
Tom, this is an extremely important subject to address. Men are going to be attracted to young, sexy looking women. Its built into our brains. The real issue, as a number have noted, is that is it right or wrong. The issue is whether it it good or bad for the men who use it and the women (and men) who make it. Clearly, it is big business, which has its own issues.
I’ve been working with men and the women who love them as a psychotherapist for more than 45 years now. Pornography can become a problem and internet pornography is like a strong drug. Repeated use does impact the pleasure centers in the brain. I wrote an article recently about why men use porn, which as you’d expect generated a lot of interest. But women use porn as well. They call them “romance novels.” They feature men with big pecs, bulging biceps, and sweet talk.
Most women have sampled male porn, but most men have never looked at or read a romance novel. How about a discussion of why men use the porn they use and why women use the porn they use?
The fact that a “dry state” like Mormon Utah is the biggest downloader of porn tells me one thing: We are a nation of hypocrites. As Carl Jung once said, “what you resist, will persist.” I think this is the reason the Republicans have a credibility gap. They can’t accept their imperfect nature and spend their time crusading, instead of searching their own hearts and finding answers.
You raise an excellent point, Jed, btw. We are so used to reading the same articles and making the same preachy, shame-based points.
For me, it’s not about generic good/bad – it’s about what’s good/bad for me. Porn is lethal for me and I said good bye to it 5 years ago and haven’t looked back or had regret.
What worries me about most of the discussion here is like many things in modern society we focus on the “effect” – the outcome, tangible vs. the intangible “cause” that lies beneath. In my experience the cause was a severe case of suppressing, hiding and denying emotions I didn’t know how to express. Those shadows I didn’t want to expose and take a hard look at. Once I started to understand the root cause (for me it was a lack of emotional connection with my father) then I started to awaken to the WHY I did it. Once I understood and my WHY changed – my choices changed.
I am no longer a slave/a victim to porn. I am free of it. I am blessed with an amazing relationship with my wife and life partner of 20 years – and it doesn’t come from simply looking at the effect, it comes from both of us diving deep into the merkiness of the dark to emerge out in the light.
My call to all those reading this – ask yourself, what are you hiding, suppressing or denying yourself? Porn is just one of many pills we take to escape.
Those are thoughtful questions we all should ask ourselves, Bobby, and I congratulate you on finding the answers. Shanti
Very interesting article. I like that all your quotes were not taken from a religious standpoint. I myself am a Christian and come to find that a lot of times, viewing pornograpy is seen as a religious issue when in fact that’s not always the case.
I viewed pornography for a long time before I met my wife and after I met my wife… w/o her knowing about it. It created in me a insatiable appetitie for things my wife couldn’t give me and took my mind to places I couldn’t help but go. She could not fulfill me, because porn was creating a false idea in my head about what she should be doing. Although, it couldn’t be seen outwardly, I was withdrawing from her and picking every moment I could muster to get my kicks looking at other naked chicks.
When she discovered my secret life, it created an incredible rift in our marriage and one that I took full responsibility for. She cried and cried and cried because she felt so “cheated”. Yes, she was mad that I “cheated” on her… but she was more upset that she wasn’t fulfilling me. She didn’t feel attractive or beautiful or loved knowing that I was getting my rocks off at some other chicks expense.
The rift took a while to overcome. I don’t view porn now. I don’t. And let me tell you… my wife has never looked more beautiful. She is my sole source of insatiable love, lust, physical emotions and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Porn has a way of eroding all that.
I’m curious. Who decides when sex happens in your relationship? You, your wife, or both?
I am very torn about this subject, having come from a strong anti-porn position to an Ah Ha moment when a young single male friend told me my dismissal of all porn made him feel shamed. He was in his 20s, single, chaste, not seeing anyone and magazines provided a healthy outlet, he said, for urges that are both natural and irrepressible. I thought maybe he was right. He is one of the most sensitive and respectful young men I know. His fantasies were based on him being an active participant in consensual erotic relations with an image of a woman in a magazine. Sure, she was airbrushed but he is smart enough to know what real women look like and I think his expectations of women are normal and healthy. I am forever grateful to him to pulling me up short of my narrow view.
OTOH, I had been in a long tern relationship with a man who was emotionally distant and sexually dysfunctional at times. His anxiety turned him away from me, away from sex therapy and right into internet porn. He is such a good, sad and lonely man and I lost him, for a number of reasons, but with porn online as a ready outlet the impetus to connect with me n any level at all ceased almost entirely. Men, it was devastating to me. I’m not some granny panty ugly chick with her knickers in a knot, and I found that comment above deeply offensive. The man I loved was far from a perfect male model, but *I* found him sexy and loveable. He was short, excessively thin, balding and not at all muscular. But he had a good mind, a gentleness about him and a good heart. He struggled with intimacy issues in many areas of his life, and will probably always do so. But I loved him deeply, and and we went years at a time during our thirties and forties without sex. And without physical closeness of any sort. He was predisposed to be avoidant with intimacy, but when it started expressing itself in our sexual and then emotional lives it became intolerable. Promises to stop watching online porn were repeatedly broken. He became compulsive, sneaking in my daughter’s room to watch porn on her computer when she was not there so it would not be on his work computer. Catching him in the middle of the night while I slept alone, untouched. The lies, the bitterness. In a part of my mind that strives to be open-minded I can imagine that playful, respectful, non-abusive porn could even be an enhancement of a sexual relationship if shared together. But I admit that I prefer the vulnerability of that singular, intimate connection between myself and my partner. And ultimately I believe that mediated messages, even sexual one lose fidelity (pun intended). I HATE that now men are being affected by this ridiculous body image pressure. Guys, I don’t even LIKE those muscle-bound, steroid, no-neck cases. I like a man who looks, smells and behaves like a man. That means he will be as attractive naturally AND as flawed as I am. My partner was lost to me through emotional issues that made sexual and emotional intimacy hard for him, but porn sealed the deal. A man who weighed 130 lbs, was balding and had not a muscle on him (one I still found attractive) decided that I was “fat” (I am not very heavy) and simply not compliant enough because I had needs of my own, in and outside the bedroom. And these were normal, healthy need to make love and comfort and hold each other. I had no problems with any acts he wanted with me. He just stopped wanting them. I understand that young single friend of mine and I find no problem with him because he has NO problems loving and connecting and he would be repulsed by violent or degrading porn. But my partner began in his 30s pulling away and I never really got him back. He is as isolated as he can be and I mourn for the loss of a good man who struggled with many issues beyond porn but all to do with intimacy. Finally, I believe that the porn industry is abusive and it is abusive, and there are victims. I cannot support that. Men, you don’t think so but we love you as you are and porn hurts our relationships, our trust and out willingness =to work with a non-virtual partner who has needs of her own. Please come back to us. Protect your sons, your daughters, your partners, your lovers and engage in a mutually satisfying connection that you build together. If you are in a relationship and it is suffering, I think you do more harm by turning to porn. Do the hard work to reconnect with reality. We will make you very happy, but dealing with REAL people will be more complex than porn. It will be worth it. Porn did not create the emotional barrier here, but it made it easier for him to avoid me. The devastation to my psyche is inestimable, and I have a font of warmth, acceptance and for good, decent, respectful gentlemen. I just despair now of ever finding one, Porn is viral and I think it is contaminating relationships.
I’m definitely not here to define the porn business and I’ve had too many attacks upon me when I don’t say things to denounce the industry. That said, I still believe God gave us each the freedom of choice, the right to decide our lives, whether for good or ill. There are many people lining up for porn jobs and if they want to be–as some view it–exploited, it is their right. We each have to accept responsibility for our actions. We reap what we sow. A porn actor must accept that he or she may become infected with a sexually transmitted disease. A viewer of porn must accept that his daily viewing habits may cause a loss of intimacy with his wife or partner. The freedom of choice is paramount in my mind. This is the beauty of the universe. Btw, I’m talking about consenting adults and not children here (regulations in this area are a different matter). Every adult should have the freedom to make their own choices and the obligation to accept the consequences of their actions without judgment. Whatever their reasons for viewing or producing porn, let it be their decision alone.
Back in the caveman days only the barbaric rapists and murderers got a chance to reproduce. It’s so deep in us that only very advance and strict eugenics could relieve some of it. Everything gets worse before it gets better. Ladies just need to be upfront from the get-go about what their expectations are in a relationship. I used to act like I was cool with porn and doggy-style in the beginning of a relationship to seem like I was super hip and modern, but now I’m very honest with everything in life. It’s much easier to be honest believe it or not! Noone NEEDS an asshole in their life. We can do without them. And the future can do without their genes being passed on. Smile. It’s not that bad.
“Back in the caveman days only the barbaric rapists and murderers got a chance to reproduce.”
This is just patently false. The urge to reproduce is part of human instincts, but it is not ‘rape’ and ‘murder’ that determine whether someone’s genes wind up passing on.
Like anything else, if you become addicted to it, it’s a problem.
If you like it, and don’t expect your lovers to get all Jenna Jameson on you, great.
As I once wrote in Why’s everyone so torn about porn? “The problem, of course, isn’t porn itself. If something, anything, is done in secret, in excess, if it’s somehow compromising the relationship, well, then there’s a problem — just as if you were dealing with alcohol or drugs or gambling or even a golf addiction. ”
I wish we had a better dialog about sexuality sensuality and pleasure; there are too many mixed messages out there and not enough understanding of our own sexuality.
Kate thanks for joining the conversation here and also for your thoughtful blog on this topic. What I found most interesting was just how many strong and opposing views I got when I started asking people about porn. As you can see some pretty famous people who had said they weren’t interested in talking to me about any number of other topics were more than happy to talk to me about porn. I found it interesting that, like you, I found a lot of women who were more accepting of it than I ever would have expected.
In the end, of course, I agree with you that the issue is healthy sexuality which, like being a good man, is a purely subjective matter. I will say that having a 14 year old son and 16 year old daughter that it saddens me the way sex has been so cheapened in our society as a whole.
Eileen:
You are so sorely mistaken on so many fronts I don’t even know where to begin.
You say: “Finally, I believe that the porn industry is abusive and it is abusive, and there are victims. I cannot support that.” How exactly is the porn industry abusive? And to who? The men and women who do porn are there willingly. They’re doing it for money. It is a job (and the oldest profession at that). So where you see victims, I see employees and — to a large extent — actors.
Then you say to men: “Porn hurts our relationships, our trust and out willingness =to work with a non-virtual partner who has needs of her own. Please come back to us. Protect your sons, your daughters, your partners, your lovers and engage in a mutually satisfying connection that you build together.”
I understand your relationship suffered because of porn. And for that I’m truly sorry. Like I said before, if it’s an addiction negatively impacting one’s life then it’s time to put a stop to it. No different than alcoholism or smoking or any other vice out there. But please don’t generalize. There are many men out there who are occasional or frequent viewers of porn who are not addicted. Who have perfectly healthy relationships with their wives. And who have wives who occasionally like to join in the porn watching. You can’t discount these people just because they don’t fit your argument. I’d say if you’re relationship has turned south and you’re blaming porn, it’s probably more beneficial to look for other, deeper root causes.
Porn may contaminate some relationships, I don’t deny that. But definitely not all. And to imply otherwise is irresponsible.
I think too much is made of pornography being an evil vice. There are people that can drink responsibly and there are those who cannot. There are people who will play a few dollars on the lottery and there are those who will go to a casino or track and blow their entire paycheck in a few hours. There are people who can view pornography for the entertainment it is and there are those who become obsessed with it. In each case, I find it very doubtful that we are going to try prohibition again or perhaps ban gambling any time soon.
The ancients decorated their pottery and buildings with erotic scenes. In the 11th century, a Japanese noblewoman wrote what is considered to be the world’s first novel, “The Tale of Geni.” It related a series of sexual exploits in fairly graphic detail. “The Plum in the Golden Vase”, penned in the 16th century, is considered one of four great classic novels of Chinese literature and told a story that was extremely explicit even by today’s standards. Even the Victorians and Edwardians, even though those generations were considered sexually repressed, enjoyed erotic photography. Remarkably, during the Victorian era, hysteria was considered a symptom of lack of female sexual fulfillment and was treated by manual stimulation of the patient’s genitalia by a doctor until she experienced “Hysterical Paroxysm”…more commonly known as an orgasm.
Pornography can be a means of sexual release. Pornography can also be part of a healthy sexual relationship. Pornography is no more prolific in today’s society than it was a hundred or a thousand years ago; it is just more available.
For those of you that do not enjoy hardcore extreme “porn”, there are alternatives such as Zalman Kings “Red Shoe Diaries.” There was also a company born of the idea that women enjoyed erotic scenes in movies but wanted more plot and substance, such as the entre nous between Rhett and Scarlett mentioned earlier. I don’t know the name of the company, but I’m sure you can find it.
Lastly, being the father of a two month old daughter, I have to agree with Tom in that my opinons on sexuality are purely subjective and will likely change as my litle girl starts noticing the differences between men and women. For now, though, I will accept porn as entertainment and consider myelf a lucky man when my wife wears her “hooker shoes.”
I’m with Randy.
(PS: I have several sets of “hooker shoes” myself, but it’s OK; I only wear them when I’m dressed as a drag nun.)
Daddy Files: Me thinks you doth protest too much. Reread what I said about my young friend. He is a respectful good man seeking a safe, healthy and NON-DEGRADING outlet. I don’t believe I DID generalise at ALL if you really read what I said. am not persuaded my the fact that women use porn as a segue into mainstream. Few men have been obligated to go this path. You call these actions “choices,” but with no education, perhaps children to support alone and often drug addictions, young women elect to expose themselves to deadly diseases (read…it’s rampant) to feed families and habits. That a good man like my partner could drift away from healthy emotional and physical intimacy suggests a real problem, as noted by the psychotherapist above. Alone, he could do what he wants, But when you enter into a relationship you have a responsibility, and ethical obligation to nurture that, to be willing to do the work required to preserve the relationship. YOU are wrong on so many counts, the primary of which is NOT reading my comments closely. I gave no across the board condemnation and started by saying I was torn. But the porn I HAVE seen for men if too often degrading, my make friends admit addictions and relationship problems. Don’t you dare dismiss me as some prude. In a loving relationship the spectrum of sexual activity is broad. But I also believe some of the more fringe activities men seek are not really generated from genuine desire but created through porn they have seen, an industry that to stay competitive tries daily to push the edge of the envelope into the latest wrinkle or kink . Do they desire this of their own accord or is porn teaching them that to really get off they must expect what is often fake in videos of their partners>? You didn’t read my comments closely enough, Daddy (ugh…the name alone). The oldest profession?! If women were inclined to objectify men this this extent, if they had the power way back when to control society economically, politically and physically, if they controlled society and had the educations and the laws in their favour who know WHAT might be the oldest profession. I haven’t a clue where you are coming from, :”Daddy,” and I am definitely not interested in learning.
Oh, and the construction is “to whom.”
“Alone, he could do what he wants, But when you enter into a relationship you have a responsibility, and ethical obligation to nurture that, to be willing to do the work required to preserve the relationship.”
You make being in a relationship sound like so much… drudgery.
There are times when some men don’t want to be weighed down with the baggage that comes with fulfilling their partner’s emotional needs to get an orgasm; times where we could take the energy that is normally used for empathy & respect for boundaries and dedicate that to just unfettered getting it on.
Porn provides a fantasy world where women were so enthusiastically horny that they’d be aroused walking over proverbial hot coals to get the chance to play with our genitals because they liked f’ing that much.
Now the fact that your previous partner choose permanent escape into a fantasy world over emotionally connecting with you is most likely his issue, but I suspect that the pressure to fulfill all of the responsibilities you excepted of him in a relationship probably played a part in driving him away because he was uncomfortable with the role that you forced him into.
@ Bennett: Pictures or it didn’t happen. And now for something completely different….
I’m reminded of a saying that is attributed to Jello Biafra, “Don’t hate the media, become the media.” Where are the positive images and portrayals of sexuality? Who are the writers, artists, and filmmakers making constructive contributions to our ongoing cultural exploration of our sexuality? And not just oblique, soft-focused suggestion but real, lights-on, explicit honesty. I can think of two, the folks at Comstock Films whose on going series strives to show “real people, real lives, real sex” and Courtney Trouble whose work as a director of queer porn manages to capture a sense of fun and playfulness sadly lacking from so much of the porn out there.
An excerpt on the topic of pornography from the book “If Men Have All the Power How Come Women Make the Rules”…
When we men misuse our economic power over women, women legitimately react in ways we do not always like. One of those ways is to fantasize that they have achieved power over us. In the movie “9 to 5,” for instance, three women laugh merrily about how they’d like to take violent revenge against their chauvinistic male boss. In the end, the trio settles for humiliating and subduing him in a dog collar and chains.
No one could reasonably say that “9 to 5″ glorifies women’s domination of men in business. It is precisely because women don’t dominate men in business that the movie fantasy was popular with women who wish they did.
Similarly, “pornography” does not glorify our sexual domination of women. It expresses our fantasies of overcoming women’s sexual domination of us. The fact that “9 to 5″ and some of our erotica both involve people in dog collars and chains is not mere coincidence.
What’s more, some of our most popular sexual fantasies aren’t about reversing sexual control at all, but are simply about equalizing it, about meeting women who participate enthusiastically in sex, who love male sexuality, and who don’t hold out for money, dinner or furs. Portrayals of such egalitarian sex don’t demean women any more than we are denigrated by stories of women and men working cooperatively in an office where men no longer think it is their right to have women fetch them coffee.
Bennett every since freshman year I just knew I was going to like you…thanks for your unique point of view articulated with humor and gusto as always!