Middle age is reportedly the happiest time of life for most Americans. So, why are middle-aged men at such high risk for suicide?
I belong to a group that has an unusually high rate of dying by suicide. No, I don’t belong to a cell of terrorists in training. I’m not a soldier or veteran with multiple deployments to Iraq or Afghanistan. I’m not a prison or jail inmate. And I’m not a doctor (physicians have easy access to drugs and understand their lethality). What high-risk group do I belong to? I am a middle-aged white man.
Men have long had higher rates of suicide than women, and whites in the United States are more likely to kill themselves than are African, Hispanic, or Asian Americans. But it’s only in recent years that the middle-aged have overtaken older people as the ones most likely to die by suicide.
In 2007 (the latest year for which statistics are available), people aged forty-five to fifty-four had the highest suicide rate of any age group: 17.7 per 100,000. (The national average was 11.5 per 100,000.) And the rate for fifty-five to sixty-four-year-olds showed the greatest increase from the previous year.
Researchers don’t yet know why midlifers are becoming more vulnerable to suicide, especially since studies have found that middle age is generally the happiest time of life for most Americans. As a forty-five-year-old white guy, I was curious to know what makes my demographic group so self-destructive. After talking with experts, here’s what I learned.
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“Women seek help—men die.” This quote from a 1990 medical journal article is an overgeneralization, of course. There are plenty of women who don’t seek help for their emotional distress. After all, women in the United States are three times more likely to attempt suicide than men. But “men tend to hold their own counsel,” says psychiatrist Yeates Conwell, co-director of the Center for the Study and Prevention of Suicide at the University of Rochester. “They often don’t build supportive networks that allow them to share their concerns with others.”
Men are also more likely to drink heavily when feeling distraught, and to reach for guns in order to kill themselves. Nearly sixty percent of suicides among males occur by firearms, while the most common method among women is overdose/poisoning. Guns tend to be more lethal than pills, and this helps explain why there are four male suicides for every female suicide. (Some ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness or substance use disorder.)
There’s even evidence that men are more likely than women to feel there is a stigma attached to a “failed” suicide attempt. So men may use more lethal methods to avoid being seen as unmanly—even as they’re planning their own death.
Changes in gender roles may also be affecting men, suggests Sally Spencer-Thomas, executive director of the Colorado-based Carson J Spencer Foundation, whose Working Minds program promotes suicide prevention in the workplace. As more women become family breadwinners and attain leadership positions once denied them, Spencer-Thomas says that “more men are asking themselves, ‘Am I a provider or not? Am I a leader or not?’ Their sense of purpose may become unclear.”
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Whites could use a little faith. Whites are more than twice as likely to die by suicide as blacks, although whites in general are better off economically. In fact, the suicide rate for white men aged forty-five to fifty-four (29.3 per 100,000) is 14 times greater than the rate for black women of the same age (2.1 per 100,000). Some researchers suggest that blacks may be less prone to suicide because they are more religious. They tend to outpace whites in the United States on measures such as frequency of church attendance and prayer, closeness to God, and self-ratings of spirituality. Being part of a church community can also be a powerful source of social support, another protective factor.
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Midlife can be a minefield. For many people, the peak earning years of midlife offer a sense of competence and mastery. But for others, the middle years may be times of disillusionment and regret about stalled careers and stale marriages. This time of life can also be filled with anxieties about mounting debt, while putting kids through school and caring for aging parents. Plus, men at midlife discover that their own bodies aren’t what they used to be. As natural medicine expert Andrew Weil, M.D., writes, “The man at fifty or sixty looks at his sagging muscles, thinning hairline, bigger belly, and uncooperative penis and wonders, ‘Whose body is this?’”
But these challenges aren’t new to midlife. What could account for the rising suicide rates? (Remember, the latest statistics are for 2007, before the economic meltdown of 2008 brought widespread job cuts and home foreclosures.) Dr. Conwell says that even before the recession, concerns about the stability of employment could have set the stage for other factors—such as substance misuse, more difficult access to health care, and less-stable social support—that can increase the risk of suicide.
Sally Spencer-Thomas also suspects that fraying social ties may play a role. She notes a 2006 study showing that Americans’ circle of confidants shrank by one-third in the previous two decades. And the number of people who said they have no one with whom to discuss important matters more than doubled in that time, to nearly twenty-five percent.
Thomas Joiner, a psychologist at Florida State University and author of Myths about Suicide (2010), speculates that the mainstreaming of gore may even be having an effect. When the people now in their mid-40s were in their teens (from the mid-1970s to the early 1980s), they were starting to get exposed to gory movies like Halloween and Friday the 13th. He believes that one of the most important factors that contributes to suicide is a “learned fearlessness” about physical pain, physical injury, and death. (Other factors, he says, include the idea that you are a burden on other people, and the feeling that you are hopelessly alienated from them.) As people develop an increasing tolerance to gore, perhaps they are more likely—when in extreme distress—to do themselves harm.
“I hope that I’m wrong about this,” says Joiner. “If it’s true, that’s ominous.” Children and teens today are exposed to far more graphic violence in movies and computer games than were their counterparts of thirty years ago.
Other theories about why midlife suicide rates are on the rise include easier access to guns and prescription drugs, and a potentially higher incidence of depression among baby boomers.
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Lowering risk. When I asked these experts for practical advice on what middle-aged white men can do to reduce their risk of suicide, they stressed that you should see your doctor if you suspect you’re suffering from depression or another mental health problem. While depression often includes feeling sad or losing interest in things that typically give you pleasure, it can also be expressed in other ways: sleep problems, frequent headaches or stomach pain, risk taking (such as reckless driving and casual sex), and anger. If you are suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
The experts also advise all men to develop support networks, and to stay engaged with family and friends. “Do everything you can to resist the urge to isolate,” says Phillip Smith, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Rochester. Reaching out can feel uncomfortable, he admits. But sharing your worries can make you feel less alone, and other people may offer valuable perspectives on what you’re going through.
Dr. Conwell also encourages men to take good care of themselves. That means eating right, being physically active, managing your stress levels, getting enough sleep, and not drinking too much alcohol.
And don’t forget to look out for each other, says Spencer-Thomas. Notice if a family member, friend, or co-worker doesn’t seem himself, and ask him how he’s doing. Remind him that depression is a treatable medical condition, not a sign of weakness. If he’s talking about death and suicide, and you suspect that he might harm himself, offer to take him to the emergency room or call 911.
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A personal perspective. I am no stranger to depression, as it has affected me to varying degrees since my teens. It took me a long time to get help—first from psychotherapy, then medication, and now both. The idea of suicide once had a seductive pull on me, but it has lost its power.
Although suicide used to seem like a way out of my struggles, now I can see more options to get through them. I’ve also met several people who have lost loved ones to suicide, and now I firmly believe that any option is better than killing myself.
These survivors of suicide loss have been through a veritable hell of grief and guilt (“What could I have done to prevent this?”). If you ever get to the point that you think you’ll be doing others a favor by doing yourself in, you are wrong.
To me, the essence of suicidal thinking is a kind of tunnel vision in which self-annihilation seems like the only solution to emotional pain. Perhaps this is why I’ve found comfort in environments that provide a sense of spaciousness and openness. Sitting beneath the vaulted ceiling of my church, or walking though the woods and coming upon a sunlit clearing, seems to take me out of my head and my concerns.
In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl describes a moment not long after he had been liberated from a Nazi concentration camp. He is walking through the countryside past flowering meadows. Larks rise to the sky and sing joyously. He stops, looks around, and then drops to his knees. Frankl, an Austrian Jew, repeats to himself a line from Psalm 118: “I called to the Lord from my narrow prison and He answered me in the freedom of space.”
I think it’s possible for anyone to experience this freedom of space, regardless of religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs. And I share Frankl’s sense of gratitude. I find myself released from many of the constraints that depression once placed on me and from the lure of suicidal thoughts, and I can see possibilities all around me.
—Dan Fields
Thanks to Elana Premack Sandler at the Suicide Prevention Resource Center for help with statistics.
About Dan Fields
Vocalyze
As a volunteer on the non-profit Samaritans of Boston suicide prevention hotline, I’ve learned that suicide outnumbers homicide by a factor of 3x to 4x — and those are just the deaths that are reported as suicides. Far more are committed indirectly through drug and alcohol abuse or other harmful lifestyle choices.
Suicide is also the 3rd leading cause of death among teens and young adults — and the incidence in this group has been rising at an alarming rate.
Make no mistake: Suicide is among our most significant public health issues, but it’s hidden under the radar given its stigma and society’s reluctance to confront the issue.
FYI: Visit http://www.samaritansofboston.org for more information, or call the hotline if you know anyone in peril of suicide: 877-870-4673
Thank you for this article highlighting suicide risk in middle-age men. The International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) co-sponsors World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10th every year with the World Health Organization (WHO). The purpose of this event of this event is to bring awareness to suicide and suicide prevention across the world. A wide range of activities have been planned in many countries, from commemorative gatherings, to seminars and conferences, concerts to book launches and more.
Your readers are invited to visit the World Suicide Prevention Day Web site at: http://www.iasp.info/wspd/ and if they are Facebook users, we invite them to become Facebook Fans of the IASP. Please see:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/International-Association-for-Suicide-Prevention/115204064521
Kind regards,
Kenneth Hemmerick
Webmaster IASP
Another useless piece of pop psychology. It doesn’t get to the root of the issue, that men are not valued in our society and are treated only as wallets,slaves, and sperm donors by society at large. When you’re young you have all these dreams and aspirations, but eventually you settle down have a wife and family. The man works his butt off to pay the bills and spends his best and healthiest years slaving for a corporation and his family. If he’s lucky his wife won’t divorce him and turn him into a pauper, and eventually he’ll just have a nagging wife that always wants more and mouthy kids that are in never ending need. The corporate work environment is so hostile that women are more likely to be promoted over them and they can’t say anything because the rampant misandry makes it so anything a guy says can be used against him. Is it any wonder middle aged guys put a bullet to their mouth to be free of all this crap? Don’t get married and don’t have kids and work at a job that leaves you lots of free time and enjoy a happy fulfilling life. This is the advice I have heard from countless middle aged men and my friends and I have taken it and run with it.
You nailed it on the head.
Most men should NEVER get married— especially in their 20′s. The only time a man should get married and have kids is if he has reached the age of approximately 30 and decided that that is his dream in life– to be married and have kids.
When a woman marries, it is the fulfillment her dreams; white dress, chubby-cheeked, babbling babies, white picked fence, that special “best friend,” has been captured, security, etc. VICTORY! When a man marries, whether he realizes it or not, it truly is the death of his dreams. No more life adventure, no more romance, no more independence and no more free-will. When children arrive, the man looses the rest of any remaining self-identity. Before I was a husband and father I was a person.
I have seen two approaches. 1) the man, despite being married, pushes forward with his true dreams and priorities and these guys usually end up divorced. 2) The husband and father continues to “honor” his obligations and struggles to do the “right” thing over the years. These guys usually die a little every day and ultimately burn out. It is a toss up as to whether they will ultimately end up divorced, and it is a toss up whether or not their children won’t resent them anyway.
My advice to young men is to never get married unless they desire a very “domesticated” life. If that is their desire, then fine. Otherwise you run the risk of waking up in your forties and wondering what happened to your youth and the life you truly and innately desired.
Good luck to all.
Jaric, I’m a middle aged man who has lived the life you described. You are spot on. If I had it to do over again, I would have never married or had children. Instead, I’ve been divorced, turned into a pauper, and I’m playing out the end game.
I’ve read your article and the comments and feel you’ve missed the point (or I’ve missed the references). My suicide will be due to a negative self image. I’m 47 and have neither family nor lover – both look increasingly unlikely. I have some debts, but these don’t concern me. I have a good job and several friends (numbers become important when you’re into single figures). I’m constantly depressed and increasingly feel if this is good as it get, then what’s the f**king point. If (when) I decide to kill myself it will look like an accident, thus avoiding guilt on anyone’s part and ensure the life (death) insurance is still paid out. The solution, develop a realistic self-image and set some personal goals, like this will happen. Who cares if I don’t. We’re all going to die so why put it off if your life achieves nothing meaningful.
As I read all this information, I have yet to see anyone mention the recovery process and the programs that are available to anyone that needs Help
I am only suggesting that if you do have Depression or a Drinking problem ( they seem to go together ) then its time to use the phonebook and call someone , I personally gave up the “male macho image” years ago and came to believe that I was much better off going to some meetings with other individuals with the same goal, to live life on life’s terms NOT mine , once the obsession of trying to run my own life was put aside , the I was able to see what the real issues were. I am here to say after close to 30 years ( I am 48 ) of being involved with groups that discuss problems with living .. the greatest thing I have heard from many recovering people is not “Why me” it is “Why not me” and did something about it
To M: I am sorry that you are struggling with a negative self-image and a sense of meaninglessness. I am also sorry that you are contemplating suicide. I encourage you to call the Lifeline # mentioned in the article: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The Lifeline is staffed by trained counselors, and they have information about mental health services in your area that can help you. Wishing you all best, Dan
The truth to the matter is we as humans all need to seek more help and guidence from god if everyone did more praying and believing that the lord will help them they would be a lot better off instead some of us let the devil control our thoughts and beliefs that there is no help available and that no one cares but the lord does and to me thats enough this world is fast beginning to fade away so why bother with what people say only rely on the lord and he will truely set you free if you truely believe that is!!
I can understand a lot more than I used to why someone would reach suicide as the only out in our current society, which has people more upset about their tax follars being spent to provide health care to fellow citizens than ever.
I think some don’t understand how bad life can be for some- outside of your control and with no options due to societal constructs and lack of humanity by others.
I got out of a major university, had a prestigious job as an award-winning virtual reality developer. I have a Mensa level IQ, at one point I was making amazing pay. Life was going great for me.
Then reality set in. I lost my 20′s to working year round, 7 days a week, 10-24 hours a day. This means I had no time to develop friends prrelatiobships- I didn’t get to meet a wife and have kids as ALL 300+ other members of my high scoop graduating class have managed to do. One company didn’t pay my wages, ruining my credit to this day- 10 years layer.
In 1991 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and have been on meds to allow me to leave the house. On my 20′s, I could work- I could travel, deal with non-stop hours, etc.
After losing my last job in 2002 to being laid off after my project was sabotaged by hostile employees who merged with our company from another division, I have been unable to find work I can do. I can not travel, even locally to strange locations. I can not sell, do customer service, work phones, or otherwise deal with people often. I can not do physical labor. My only skills are in my former career, which was niche and now 8 years ago. Due to my age, I’m ignored as a candidate compared to the thousands coming out of college. I do not have the skills to make and sell something if my own online from home. I literally have no work options. I can not return to school, I’m ineligibke for a grant and can’t do a loan.
Yet, I’ve been denied disability (took 7 years.) I’ve been denied food stamps, Medicaid, etc. (just applied for two weeks ago- proving I haven’t been just seeking handouts.) I tried going to several employment places like Rehabilitation Services, but they expect you to volunteer or go work at various places, interview strangers regarding their jobs: The very things I can’t do.
I can’t get mental health therapy- community mental health requires you to be a threat to yourself or others. There are no pro-Bono options. Sliding scale options insist on using the wages of the relative I live with- who is supporting us both on social security.
Due to working through my 20′s, and unemployment through my 30′s, I’ve had 2 relationships, one in college, my last in 1997. I’ve had no contact with a woman since then. I also have no friends due to the anxiety disorder and all the work I did. Being utterly alone is soul-damaging. I can only vent online to people who often cone up with their own perceptions based on having better life experiences and not understanding (or believing in) anxiety disorder as a crippling disease.
I’m not suicidal, but I have every right to be. I have no money. I can’t live life. I have no one. I can’t get help. Some mock me or insinuate I’m faking. Since I’m pushing 40, odds are I’ll never get to have a wife and kids- since I’m attracted to younger women. Having kids to pass on my DNA has always been MY personal way to judge a successful life.
Now I face a future with no help, no career, always alone, and ultimately to fail in life- upon my death it will be as if I never existed, and I will not have impacted the world in any way. I want to live now- but in another 8 years? 10? Why will I bother at that point? Why not reset and life my next life, or if there’s nothing after death… Nothing matters anyway.
Don’t be too quick to judge why people are pushed to this limit. Some of us have been through- and are going through- living hell.
I am a white female age 42. I have struggled with depression for what seems like my whole life. I watched my Mother go through the ups and downs of “Manic depression” which would now be diagnosed as Bi-polar. And now notice symptoms of Autism in her and wonder if that is why
I am consumed with suicidal thoughts every morning, the word vacuum was mentioned, that seems a very appropriate word.
I have two children, both are on the Autism Spectrum. One Aspergers, one more severe. Their Father and I had no clue what it was about back in the early 90′s. He escaped with more drug use, I worked FT and OT to make sure we kept our home, bills weren’t being paid because of it. Because of working so much, the purpose we had in front of us was not focused on properly. We made sure they got into the educational programs they needed at school and had behavioral support. We didn’t have time or money for much else. We both had good jobs but didn’t use it correctly.
3 Years ago, facing foreclosure for the 3rd time, I was diagnosed with Cancer/Acute Myeloid Leukemia. During chemotherapy, I was writing a hardship letter and retrieving the last amount out of my retirement to “save our home” . I also found out the my Husband, who wasn’t my Husband until after the 2nd month of chemotherapy, we got married so that I would have Insurance Coverage after the COBRA program ran out, had overdrawn my son’s bank account, which was just opened for him. I was furious, ready to put him out, by the way his Mom lives next door, he wouldn’t have had it too hard. He might have been out of a job, because the vehicle he was using to drive to work was one I had worked OT for to purchase from a co-worker. We had a vehicle already re-possessed because of his drug use. His credit is in ruins. Oh, and the house, we are facing foreclosure one more time, and what is so bad about me not having any more money to help out, is, that my name isn’t even on the house. It took two years for his drug use to come under control. He claims now, he many never stop entirely, which infuriates me to no end, but it has been 20 years since we have been together and I have no voice to get angry with, no energy to fight about it, a $1,000. isn’t being taken out of our pockets every 2 weeks anymore, so financially, we are caught up except for the Mtg. modification, still awaiting word about that. Our children have suffered, and what gets me, is the person they should be angry with is their Father, but because he wasn’t around mentally, I had to play both roles. I should be ecstatic about having another shot at life, be thrilled I am not dead, be convinced that I could be the best Mom to my children, and yet I contemplate suicide. I have no “fight” left in me, physically I can conquer anything, mentally I stumble like I have no clue, I have a very bad memory due to the chemo, long-term memory is okay, which is haunting. Wish I could forget and move on. I’m stuck. I feel I stopped growing when my children were diagnosed, it really is like mourning the loss of a child and all dreams you had for them. I knew we couldn’t do all the biomedical treatments that I am just finding out about, we didn’t have the money. We only got a computer two years ago.
I feel like such a failure. I helped to save a life/ a home/ but my children don’t have the social circles they need to succeed in life. Especially with this disorder, I should have been more active in that community. I, really suffer from depression now and anxiety, when a community knows you have an Autistic child, they expect more from you, they want you to be a HERO every day. I have never been a socialite, and even more so now, I suffer the anxiety that inhibits me from interacting with people. With the memory problems and feeling dumb for being too concerned with saving a house and a person with a drug problem, the ending isn’t the way I perceived it to be. Every person will do whatever they can to keep getting ahead, even forgetting what someone else has done for them. I feel “screwed”, sorry for the harshness of the word. So now I am made to feel like the burden to someone else, because I, although am “fine” physically, I haven’t worked since the diagnoses. I collect Soc. Sec. disability, and am depressed and anxious everyday, which doesn’t promote a good outlook for my kids. I often wonder if they all would be better off without me, I feel useless now.
To Jaym and Susan: Thank you for reaching out. Both of you have been through some very hard times and continue to face many challenges. I encourage you to call the helpline # noted in the article: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The helpline staff are good listeners, and they can also refer you to mental health services (ones that take into account your financial situation). I wish you all the best. Sincerely, Dan
I just loss my wonderful husband of 25 years.he was an angel in every way!His suicide was due to a leathel dose of combination Dr. prescribed meds.the Dr. changed his meds,he saw the same dr. for years,but he was on vacation and saw the Dr. filling in,he added more meds. he was sleep deprived for a week,There were no signs what so ever about suicide,In fact the day before we had a wonderful day at the beach together.My husband was the strongest Christian I have ever seen,I know he is out of pain and he is with his heavenly father.It is so hard being without him,he was my life. Please,Please,keep your eye’s on your depression medication,it can kill you.
Bless all of you who have lost a loved one to suicide.God bless,Missy
Thank you Dan for listening to me. I do appreciate it. As a former “service worker” I was a Nursing Assistant, I know just how passionate you are about helping someone else. You are an Angel.
I lost my father and my hero to suicide in October 2006. He was 56 and I was 22. What I feel was a very impulsive decision on my father’s part changed my life dramatically forever. I am plagued by the moments I know we will never share and the questions that I will never have answered. I wish he would have left a note. I wish he would have come to me for help. And more than anything, I wish he would have known that were other options to relieve his severe depression and anxiety.
World Suicide Prevention Day is this Friday, September 10th. Visit http://www.iasp.info/wspd/ for more info.
Also, please visit the website to my nonprofit that I have created in my father’s honor: http://www.youspoke.org. We are encouraging others to share their stories and not hold them in. Expression, not silence, heals the soul.
-Stefanie
http://www.youspoke.org
i have also undergone a lot of mental misery. i got rescued by rajyoga meditation taught by the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University having its branches throughout the world and international headquarter at Mount Abu in India. it is absolutely free of cost.
for more information regarding rajyoga meditation u can contact me at bksanjayb@yahoo.co.in
I have struggled with depression my entire life. It’s hell on earth understood only by those who must deal with it. Depression has destroyed my life. In April, I lost my job of 22 years. My wife of 33 years left me when I was terminated. Without insurance now, all my medications used to treat my depression are no more. Trying to get assistance has been a quagmire of paperwork & dead ends. My cars have been repossessed, my electricity was shut off yesterday. I’m getting evicted. The cleanest & quickest solution to everything is to commit suicide. It is my destiny. I am so alone. I am scared suicide will hurt. I can see nothing ahead of me but a black void. I’m 53 years old & my life ended like this. I’ve waited for some miracle to rescue me. The Calvary isn’t coming this time. May God have mercy on my soul.
http://www.henrymakow.com/my_fight_with_the_domestic_vio.html
Larry, I urge you to call the helpline # noted in the article: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Suicide is never anyone’s destiny. You are in a tough spot, but with help from a caring listener, you can get through it. Please let me know that you are getting help.
Hi, I am 38 (soon to be 39). My wife of 15 years died last year, which was completely unexpected. I got depressed. She died in September. In December, the doctor took me off of work. In January, I hatched a terrific plan to arrange for my dogs to be cared for and receive life insurance proceeds and complete a will. Then I would be ready to join my wife.
My plan was completely selfish – just to ease my own pain. I did try to reach out for help from family and friends and I was brushed off as not serious. At that point, I was sure that I was making the right decision. Surely if people who said to call if I needed anything didn’t have time to talk, I must really be too much trouble.
By the end of January, I was no longer showering, washing clothes, eating or sleeping. I had returned to work for a couple weeks before the doctor took me off again. He strongly urged me to go to the mental hospital for evaluation for the partial hospital program, where I would come and go each day.
I was in the hospital from January to April.
I feel better now. I still miss my wife and I don’t want to kill myself. I grieve her every day and probably always will. I also am aware that if I don’t take care of me, no one esle will. Supposedly many people were concerned about me and worried I might do something. Not one of them called me, suggested taking me to the hospital, nor called 911 on my behalf.
Living is something you have to do for yourself. I learned how to care for myself, really be nice to myself, while in the hospital. I would recommend going to your nearest psychiatric facility if you want to die. They will help you as they did me. I’m glad I did. I’ve made good friends who understand me and are there to listen. None of that made my wife come back, but it helped me learn to live despite that ugly truth.