CJ Kaplan doesn’t feel less of a man when his wife handles the family finances—she’s the only one qualified to.
Lisa stared daggers of death at the oblivious car salesman as he serenaded me with the incomparable features of the minivan he was trying to peddle.
“Dude,” I cut across him as he was extolling the virtues of four-zone climate control, “it’s gonna be her car. Talk to her.”
The poor guy finally looked at my wife and blanched as he saw the lost sale in her lethal eyes.
“Oh, but I thought…you would be…” he stammered helplessly.
“Yeah, she handles the finances too,” I said as we stood up to leave. “I just came for the free coffee and doughnuts.”
When Lisa and I met in college, she was an Econ major who took courses like Statistics just for fun. I was an English major who nearly flunked Calculus 101 freshman year and hadn’t been back to the Math Building since. (Ironically, I once had high school Pre-Calculus teacher who always told the class not to be afraid of any college math. Turns out I wasn’t afraid at all. I was fucking petrified.)
Although we never had any classes in common, Lisa and I were perfect for each other. I helped her with those pesky essays in her mandatory Humanities classes and she balanced my hitherto unbalanced checkbook. It was a match made in liberal arts heaven.
For Lisa, math and accounting always came easy. Perhaps it’s because she is the daughter of an actuary who used to routinely fire word problems at his daughters over dinner each night. While some families pass the time during long car rides with trivia contests or license plate games, Lisa’s family enjoys solving for x as the miles roll by. It’s enough to make me hide underneath my copy of Tennyson’s Complete Works and never emerge.
After graduation, Lisa became an economist for The Federal Bureau of Labor Statistics. (That’s right, an Econ major became an economist! How often does that happen?) As a G-woman, Lisa would go around collecting employment data from randomly selected businesses in the New York metropolitan area and then crunch the numbers for her boss. And by her boss, I mean then U.S. Secretary of Labor Robert Reich. Every time the government released salary and benefit data, it was likely that Lisa’s work factored into those numbers.
In my post-college life, I took a job as a copywriter in a Providence ad agency. While Lisa dressed smartly and did very official things at work, I spent my days clad in jeans and t-shirts thinking up campaigns for local restaurants and women’s shoes. When faced with my first major financial decision—where to open a checking account—I chose Fleet Bank because Citizens Bank was a client of ours and they had been refusing to buy any of my ideas.
“That’ll show ‘em!” I thought as I took my meager portfolio to Citizens’ archrival.
And that was pretty much how I dealt with all matters pertaining to money. Which is to say, stupidly.
A few months after we were engaged, Lisa and I opened a joint checking account. My relief was palpable as we signed the forms. I was putting our finances into the hands of the most competent person I knew. As we placed our order for new checks, the bank representative asked how we wanted our names to appear in the upper left-hand corner.
“Oh, you don’t have to put mine on there,” I said. “I don’t plan on writing any checks ever again.”
Of course, Lisa convinced me that both our names should be on there just in case. But, I was still resolved not to have anything to do with our finances other than to earn my paycheck. And that’s pretty much the way it’s been for the past seventeen years.
When my friends found out that Lisa was managing our money, they predictably busted my chops for not taking a more dominant role in my marriage. As if the person in charge of the credits and debits was somehow in charge of the relationship based on the Commutative Property of Marriage. (Or maybe it’s the Reflexive Property. I’m not really sure which applies here because, as you will surely recall, I’m bad at math.) Of course, my friends are the same guys who can’t go five minutes without calling their wives to tell them where they are, whom they are with, and what time to within thirty seconds they will be home. But, hey, at least they control the checkbook.
I’ve never actually thought of the roles we play in our relationship as masculine or feminine. We simply play to our strengths. When the kids wanted to learn how to play basketball, it was me who taught them. Not because I’m the man, but because I’m 6’3″ and played varsity hoops while Lisa is 5’2″ and shoots like a bricklayer. If I were to run the finances for our family for the sole reason that I’m the husband in the husband/wife equation, we’d surely be living, to quote the late thespian Chris Farley, “in a van down by the river.”
As the years pass, I’m ever more grateful that Lisa is our CFO. Not only is our bank account in order, it appears that she has also passed her unassailable math skills on to our children who excel in their numerical studies. And, as far as our relationship goes, all is equal.
Now if I can just get my father-in-law to stop quizzing us.
Photo—Financial Crisis from Shutterstock
About CJ Kaplan
“I was still resolved not to have anything to do with our finances other than to earn my paycheck. And that’s pretty much the way it’s been for the past seventeen years.”
- Uh, your complete and total ignorance of your family’s finances and leaving all the decisions and all the RESPONSIBILITY of those decisions to your spouse doesn’t make you an enlightened man, CJ. I can’t believe that you’re openly bragging about this! Its not unusual that there is an agreement between a couple that one spouse will manage the day-to-day finances or have the greater input and/or final say on the major financial decisions, but to have NO IDEA of your family’s monthly budget, where the money is going, how much is in savings, if there are any investments, is not only foolish and irresponsible, its selfish. You are leaving the entire burden and associated stress of the family finances on your spouse because you don’t want to have to think or learn basic math. That breeds resentment on the spouse with the burden, especially if the family hits financial trouble. That also leaves the ignorant spouse in a horrible position if the marriage ever breaks down as they can’t lay claim to marital assets that they don’t know exist. Think about that. In case of divorce (and I know you think that would NEVER happen) your wife would get the kids AND all the money.
But you’ll have that Emmy
…and your enlightenment.
Well Luckey, I seem to have touched a nerve with you. I’m not sure how you were able to draw so many conclusions about my life and, at the same time, be so completely wrong about all of them. (I guess “Luckey” is an ironic moniker.) To begin, at no time did I ever claim that my poor math skills made me an enlightened man. I also never said that I don’t share in the financial decisions or that I am unaware of our monthly budget. I’ve just never balanced the checkbook. You’ll also be relieved to know that I am aware of our investments and that I have a pretty good idea where the money is going. My wife is also quick to tell me when funds are running low, as any good CFO would do. So, though you may continue to root for my marriage to fail (and thanks for that, by the way), I’m afraid that it won’t prove your point. You are right about one thing, though. I probably spend some time on basic math. Although a person who uses the screen name “Luckey” might want to work on some basic spelling. Cheers.
“I also never said that I don’t share in the financial decisions or that I am unaware of our monthly budget…You’ll also be relieved to know that I am aware of our investments and that I have a pretty good idea where the money is going. My wife is also quick to tell me when funds are running low…”
- Well, that’s quite a turnabout from: “I was still resolved not to have anything to do with our finances other than to earn my paycheck. And that’s pretty much the way it’s been for the past seventeen years.” So are you the well informed spouse that you NOW claim to be (after being called-out), or the mental void on all money matters that you initially wrote about?
“though you may continue to root for my marriage to fail”
- Not rooting for your marriage to fail, just pointing out that NO ONE thinks their marriage will fail, though unfortunately a sizeable percentage of them do. *IF* yours does end-up among that percentage, then your financial ignorance (which you now disclaim) would put you at a great disadvantage. If you never fall into that percentage, financial ignorance is still the wrong model to present to your children, NOT because you are a man…because you are an ADULT.
Ciao!
Luckey, lighten the F**k up!! damn!! CJ…your marriage sounds alot like mine…lol. and just like you, im the BETTER for it!! i rarely carry cash, and rarely pay the bills or know exactly what the budget is…but im completely secure with my wife being our CFO. Apparently people like Luckey dont understand the concept of two people who compliment each other instead of taking on stereotypical roles because they have to. I used to laugh when my mom would always ask me howcome Gloria doesnt let you have any of your own money (She’s a stay at home mom as we homeschool)? That always cracked me up. Its not that I dont ask for any, its that i dont need any right now. Like I tell all who ask about our set up as well, i make the money, hand it off to my wife and tell her, “make us rich”! LOL Great article!
My husband did the same thing LOL! But I have to say that after awhile I got tired… I prefer the quarterly switch off. We also do bi-weekly meetings so the person who is not handling the $ at the time is informed about what’s going on. This makes things smoother for us.
Another thing we do: The person who is on deck for handling the $ for the quarter can give the non handler “taskers” to get minor things done by a certain date….such as comparison shopping for a household repair or contacting a bank with a question about a specific issue. This works really well!
Both of us are plugged in and two heads are better than one!
“Apparently people like Luckey dont understand the concept of two people who compliment each other instead of taking on stereotypical roles because they have to.”
). Maybe it will help if I repeat this part from my first comment: “Its not unusual that there is an agreement between a couple that one spouse will manage the day-to-day finances or have the greater input and/or final say on the major financial decisions”. That is a gender neutral statement because sometimes that person is the man, sometimes the woman. That is not a statement that supports any stereotype. Perhaps you’re just defensive about your own financial ignorance. Who knows.
- Apparently, you don’t know how to read (perhaps your spouse “compliments” by doing it for you?
Sorry but I am going to have to agree with Luckey here. The ‘tone’ of your article CJ is that your approach to your marriage is enlightened, beginning with the car buying story. Perhaps you didn’t mean it that was but for ME that is the way it comes out. That somehow having your wife do all the finances is the way to go. Remember , you might not have meant it that way, but that is sure how it sounds.
AND Luckey is also right, even if you didn’t mean to make it sound as though you were doing the right way, personally I think it is the WRONG way and for the reasons Luckey mentioned above. It sounds to me that right now you have no clue what the current state of your family is in financially. The ‘funny’ part is that when men do what you wife is doing they are called controlling and of course devious for hiding the money.
I had the unfortunate luck of knowing a woman who did what you did, she was blissfully unaware of anything about the money in her marriage and frankly was quite happy not knowing, until her divorce then it was all his fault, he never let her know anything. Which from the many conversation I had while her marriage was intact was completely BS
1) the car buying story clearly illustrated how his marriage doesn’t fit societal norms. It also furthers his points below the illustration about how it works **for them**. He never says anything in the article that it should work for everyone: he merely celebrates that it works for him and his wife.
2) He clearly stated in an above comment that he does know where the family’s finances go; he just doesn’t take the dominant position in deciding it, because he doesn’t want to. There’s a difference between letting someone else being in charge of issues and letting someone else make all your decisions for your entire life without getting your feedback. In my relationship, I cook. I like it; it lets me be creative and de-stress. My boyfriend is a vegetarian, while I am not. You can be sure he is well aware of everything going into the food–because usually he’s sitting in the kitchen working, reading, talking to me, or helping me with dishes. He’s aware of the process, and involved in it, but I am clearly the one cooking. It’s really not a complicated concept unless you’ve never experienced it any aspect of your life–I’m betting you’ve experienced it in at least one.
3) obviously knowing where money goes in a relationship is important–hence why he states in his comment above that he does actually pay attention and get involved in that part of it. Your anecdote is hardly evidence that Kaplan’s marriage will fail or even that it would fail in the same way. That would be similar to me saying that I knew someone who posted an inane comment on the internet and had a heart attack the next day. Correlation is not causation and anecdotal evidence is irrelevant.
John,
I understand what you are saying completely. I always cringe at the women who boast about their ignorance of their family’s money situation.
I don’t agree with the comment which insinuated that CJ’s marriage will fail though…
THANK YOU! Oh my god…I was really starting to think I was the only person who dies a little inside each time I hear my female friends exalting in their financial ignorance.
Hello CJ,
My marriage looks (or looked) a lot like what you described in your article: I took over the family’s finances and I did it alone for a long LONG time. My husband acknowledged that I was better at it & he had a track record of *not* being good at it with his own personal finances before our marriage. Like you – His friends ribbed him… but they also admitted to being a little jealous of how well our finances were doing under my watch.
Here are a few tips for you and these tips are directly related to why I used the past tense in my opening sentence when I said my marriage “looked” like your’s….
The person who doesn’t handle the finances and chooses to remain blissfully ignorant is doing themselves a great disservice: Each adult in the marriage needs to know where things stand just in case the primary money “handler” is suddenly unable to do the “handling” or in the event of an unforeseen event such as separation or divorce. I have been married for 12 years now and I can say that there are many couples who will publicly swear up and down that separation / divorce will never happen to them. You may be in that group so I’ll offer you this – Your spouse can get sick or disabled and you need to be able to step in.
So – back to blissful ignorance. When one person is responsible for handling the finances, trouble can ensue when blissful ignorance from the non handler mutates into ^%@%&#-ing ignorance. ^%@%&#-ing ignorance means crazy asssed questions from the non money “handler” to the effect of “Why can’t we buy that yellow humvee with spinning rims and suicide doors or take that all inclusive trip to Bora Bora this year?! We make A LOT of money and we SHOULD be able to afford it!!!”
Trouble from the money handler can come in the form of resentment (which acts as a poison to a marriage)…There will be resentment from the questions about humvees & trips to Bora Bora and there will be more resentment which builds up in other ways…For example, the non money “handler” experiences every purchase as a joy or a reward…Conversely, the money handler experiences each purchases with a bit of PAIN … she has to worry about the receipts and the account reconciliation & she has to make sure that the purchases are covered or that they don’t result in a shortfall somewhere else. It’s a big burden. She may even become a bit of a miser…and the non money handler may come to resent that. She’ll resent the non-money handler’s alleged flippancy with money.
It’s a cycle of resentment!
My husband and I decided to stop the cycle DEAD. We switch off money handling on a quarterly basis. He gained an understanding of what it’s like to be the handler and I get to experience a bit of relaxation as the non handler. Switching roles periodically adds humor, closeness, and a spirit of collaboration to our family finances. For example, my husband quickly understood why I was so adamant about getting receipts for any purchases (Before that, receipts could be found anywhere in the house – to include jeans which were IN the washing machine.) Now, when he is the non handler, he makes sure I get each and every receipt. I got to experience the “fun” in buying and gained the perspective that it wasn’t just a “juvenile compulsion” or marketer brainwashing. I could empathize with the desire to purchase something without being so judgmental. The non handler doesn’t have worry on the brain from having the bank balances emblazoned in their psyche…so they want to buy stuff.
…Forgot to add – I hope my comments help you think about this from another perspective CJ. Good luck!
“I’ve never actually thought of the roles we play in our relationship as masculine or feminine. We simply play to our strengths”
This one line says it all for me. My wife and I take the same approach, it just happens that she is more detail oriented, organized and disciplined so she takes care of the finances. I am a whiz in the kitchen so I cook and plan our family meals 5-6 nights a week. I don’t know every detail about our bills, the balancing of the checking account or the many monthly expenditures we have, but that does not mean I am incapable of doing it if necessary. I think that’s what a lot of people have got wrong in their comments. You are not as good as your wife at something, that does not mean you are incapable of doing that or would fail miserably should that responsibility fall on you. My wife could certainly manage to cook some nice meals but she would also be content to eat cereal and toast for dinner three nights a week. I’m better at cooking but that does not mean she is lost in the kitchen.
I think being elightened as a man involves comfortably acknowledging a woman’s prowess in certain aspects of life without feeling emasculated or threatened. And in being content with one’s own skills in such non-traditional male roles like cooking, cleaning, and child care without feeling like a failure as a man.