Lynn Beisner re-examines the rite of passage that is “first sex” after learning her son lost his virginity in a three-way with an older couple.
Originally appeared at Role/Reboot
Last Friday, I went to go pick up my college-age son to bring him home for the weekend. On the two-hour drive home, he broke the news to me that he had lost his virginity. That was hardly surprising since he is almost 19 and has had an active dating life since he was in middle school. What was stunning was how he lost it: in what he calls a “panda three-way”—a young, inexperienced man having sex with a slightly older established heterosexual couple. I was glad that I was driving and that the car was dark. I would have hated for him to have seen the shock and horror that must have registered on my face.
I was literally speechless. Thankfully, I was able to make a sound that conveyed to my son support and a desire for more information. So he went on to tell me about the concept behind a panda three-way. It seems that there is a popular video from a nature show that talks about how young male pandas are introduced to sex: in a three-way with an older established couple. My son told me that it was not just good, it was wonderful, the best “first time” that he can imagine any guy having. He says it was great to have a guided tour of a woman’s body from someone who knew it well and loved the woman in it. Knowing that there was another person there who could see to his partner’s pleasure should he fail left him free to explore, ask questions, and bask in the joy of the experience.
♦◊♦
As soon as I recovered my power of speech, I was able to express my pressing concern about whether the woman involved was able to give meaningful consent since the men had her outnumbered two to one. Even if she gave consent, I wondered, was it truly enthusiastic or was she emotionally coerced? My son responded by telling me that panda three-ways were “sort of her thing.” Some time before, she had seen the video about the panda three-way, remembered how awkward and awful it had been for the inexperienced guys she had been with, and decided that she wanted to help younger guys become confident, giving sexual partners. My son was the fourth guy to join her and her man in a panda three-way.
My son told me that as much as he enjoyed it, he did not plan to do multiple partner sex again. He thought it was great as an introduction, but now he wanted to go back to a single heterosexual partner. As I audibly sighed with relief, he reminded me gently, “Mom, poly is the new gay.” If I wanted to keep my cred as a liberal parent I would need to accept it. This set me back for a second. I thought about how quick I was to judge other parents who refused to accept their adult children’s homosexual relationships. Poly is the outpost on the sex positive frontier that my children’s generation has reached.
I am glad to say that I passed that test of parenting. I told him that I was happy that the experience was a good one for him and that if he decided to go poly or gay or anything else, I would love and respect him. I also told him that I was proud that I obviously raised a guy who is not homophobic and “not inclined to succumb to the pressure of hegemonic masculinity.” (He was raised by a feminist, so he knew what that meant.)
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I assumed that my son would want to keep it a secret from the rest of the family. But when we arrived home, I discovered that my daughter (two years older than my son) already knew. She approved of what her brother had experienced, and told me that when she was a younger, a slightly older couple had offered her the same thing. She declined—and regretted it. She says that her first time kind of sucked because she was horribly anxious and their chemistry was so intense that it became a fumble-fest that ended with her in discomfort and emotional distress. She thinks it would have been much better had she consummated her relationship with her boyfriend after she had “gotten the first time out of the way” with a couple—“a guy who knew what he was doing, with a woman there to help me figure out what I want to be doing.”
If my daughter’s frank discussion didn’t have my chin bouncing off of the floor, it was after my son told my husband about the panda three-way. My very British 50-year-old husband got a little misty-eyed. His voice broke as he told my son that he thought that might well be one of the best ways for a guy to learn how to please a woman. He ended by saying: “I wish that had been available to me.”
My son’s joyful first experience seems to be making helping him define what it means to be a man. His emerging definition of masculinity is obviously one not rooted in homophobia or in conforming to the traditional standards of masculinity created by our society. He has defined for himself what it means to be a man: Men can enjoy sex and make sex enjoyable for others. In his definition, men are fundamentally curious about women, not just about their bodies, but interested in their feelings, thoughts and experiences. Having defined what it means to be a man, he now feels competent to fulfill the obligations and enjoy the pleasures of that role, remaining teachable all the while.
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My son’s experience has my husband rethinking what our society’s norm should be for the rite of passage that is “first sex.” He wonders what it would be like if most young people had the option of entering sexual maturity under the guidance of a stable, slightly older couple. He looked me in the eye yesterday and softly said, “I can’t imagine how much better that would have been for me.” He added, his voice cracking just a bit, “and especially for you.”
I grinned and asked, “Are you asking us to be one of these guidance couples?” He looked at me in horror and said, “God no! I wouldn’t want that kind of responsibility. No way, those people will need training and vetting and supervision…and…and all sorts of stuff.” I hadn’t thought about that part: How would we get people to volunteer?
As humorous as I find my husband’s grand idea, I think he is onto an important notion. Perhaps we should change how we construct virginity-loss in our culture. Perhaps we should treat it as an individual rite of passage, not as the first encounter of a person’s first committed relationship. What if a person coming of age truly did have a number of choices? What if they could choose to have their first experience in a celebratory group sexual encounter, or in the panda three-way, or in an assisted encounter with their beloved? I am not saying that we should make all of these things available to young people, I am just asking what would happen if we did. What would it mean to transform our rituals for virginity loss? Would we be a happier society? Judging by what I’ve learned from my son, my daughter, and my own experience, I can’t help but think the answer to that last question might well be yes.
Lynn Biesner is the pseudonym for a mother, a writer, a feminist, and an academic living somewhere East of the Mississippi.
Photo courtesy of the mechanical turk
About Role/Reboot
I had no problems with the article; the son is nineteen, an adult able to consent. The family talks about sexual topics openly and I consider that far healthier than treating sex and sexuality like a dirty secret, which too often goes hand-in-hand with teaching children incorrect names for body parts out of fear or repressed discomfort.
As a survivor of child abuse, torture, and incest, my “first sex” was at age four, raped by my father. He also rented me to his pedophile friends for money. However, I don’t view sex as dirty or evil, or always an abusive act. One of the most important ways to heal from abuse is to reclaim your sexuality and be able to enjoy healthy sex with partners who love each other. Once achieved, this type of healing is precious and worth defending from the lies of the past that try to destroy it; or from the ignorance of others who presume to judge others’ choices.
I am a bisexual male an polyamourist. I have one male partner and one female partner and we live in the same household as an open, honest, and supportive family. They choose not to be intimate with each other; I have no problem with that, it’s their choice. They help me survive every day and help me cope with hard things like therapy, bipolar, PTSD, agoraphobia (all products of my abuse). It may not be what some others call “normal”, but I believe no consenting age adult has the right to say what is normal for anybody but themselves. As Shakespeare wrote in Act 2, Scene 2 of Hamlet: “Why then ’tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
If nobody is taking away your consent, what other consenting adults do is none of your business.
As for this article, I could only wish I had had a first experience like that, instead of the brutal and repeated rape of a child. Furthermore, if families talked health, Sex Ed, and inappropriate/appropriate touch to their children, there would be fewer cases of child sex abuse. Only people who start early like that are comfortable discussing sexual topics at age nineteen with anybody.
Consensual sex of any stripe, with any combination of willing human adults, is not dirty, perverse, or wrong. You can like grape juice all you wish, but you have no right to tell another adult they can’t or shouldn’t like apple juice. After all, there vastly more important things to discuss in this world than worrying about the sex other adults are having with each other. – W.R.R.
I’m always interested in what you have to say, W.R.R. and I especially love your poems and verses. You’ve had one hell of a life but thanks to your loves and your children, you will slowly pull out of your depressions and fears. Still reading your tweets.
I am deeply saddened by your abuse. I do hope that you will have better days ahead. No one should ever have to go through what you have been through.
All I know is this string of responses is very telling and in some cases expected and not surprising. Enough said on my part.
@MichelleG: “So we have bestiality; we have panda-3 way, orgies, BSDM, sexual aphyxiation [...]
Is cannibalism back?”
Oh my…
It must be hell inside your mind.
Michelle’s Comment has been moderated.
That message must have been deleted.
As for bestiality, MichelleG, you do know that “panda sex” is a metaphor, right? The lad did not actually have sex with a panda.
Not sure about the cannibalism connection. People do regularly consume other people’s bodily fluids in many forms of sexuality, but I don’t think that really counts.
That is one wild, slippery slope argument you got there.
No. The cannibalism happens when a woman gets pregnant. The fetus is basically a human parasite living in a woman. She’s the host. So, it’s like a person eating another person. That’s the sex and cannibalism connection.
That’s a sad perspective, the difference between living humans having sex with each other in a consenting way and all those other things you mentioned is huge! I feel genuine pity for you and guilt you must constantly feel.
Maybe it wasn’t “our moral values,” that were lost along the way? They were just yours? You go ahead and make the call about what’s right and wrong. But don’t expect anyone else to care.
I am quite suspicious of all the case finding that takes place around sexuality. After reifying young women as victims, there’s been quite a strong movement to nominally “victim-name” young men who have had unusual sexual experiences as victims too. While the real victimization of children is actual and deplorable, much of this extended case finding as applied to teens and older represents a moral panic and opportunities for moralists and social entrepreneurs to expand their businesses. Victorianism is good business. The more sexual things we find to deplore, the more we can get funding, prestige, etc.
The most ‘shocking’ part of this article was the openness this kid has with his parents. I recently visited my old room in my house and found a hidden stash of condoms and old empty packets of birth control. I did all I could to hide the fact I was even having sex at that age. And I was doing this until I was 22….I think it’s great that he can be so open with his parents, even if it’s a little odd from my point of view.
It is sad that people cannot state opposing views or have different moral values than those on this thread. It was moderated for that fact alone. There’s no “speak your mind” here. You may only speak it, if your opinion agrees with the poster and commenters on here.
People cared enough to complain to have my post deleted. Must have struck a chord?
Oh come on, Michelle. You’ve made plenty of comments that people disagree with, and you and I (for example) have discussed our different moral values at length. I’m sure if your comment was moderated it was because it violated the commenting policy, and that’s it. The moderators don’t moderate comments because someone makes a complaint (if that even happened).
I suggest trying to re-state what you said but this time keeping in mind the commenting policy, which you can find here: http://goodmenproject.com/commenting-policy/
@MichelleG: “People cared enough to complain to have my post deleted”
As much as I disagree with what you said, I – for sure – didn’t complain.
I never censor; at worst, I mock. It’s funnier that way.
I think the mom is a fantastic role model; IMHO, more moms and feminists ought to be like her — open-minded and liberal, acceptance of all forms of sexual expressions. We are moving towards the future, we are in the 21st century — we must leave behind old prude, Medieval ways…there’s no place for that kind of ideology and blasphemy in the era of sexual liberation, gays and lesbians and Apple generation. We need to be hip to be cool! Moral values are soooo yesterday! Sexual liberation is not only for feminists — we must be inclusive of youth as well!
The son and mother are quite hip…quite open about sex, so is the sister. What a great relationship they have; so much trust, honesty, and understanding and acceptance of son’s sexual experiences and experiments. I applaud the mom for keeping a straight face and for passing her son’s “test”. No one can call her a prude anymore!
I will help promote “Panda 3-way” on my Facebook, I will “Like” this page, to make up for the sins I have seen to have committed here, and hopefully close-up some sore spots
PS. in the future, before I post, I will scan the comment section to see what the popular opinion of the day is…and will post accordingly!
Michelle,
Firstly, sarcasm and snark do not help promote dialogue. But with that out of the way…in a completely objective way, how is being accepting of a three-way between consenting adults any different than accepting lgb relationships? Also, how is being open to anything so long as everyone is consenting and no one is hurt, a bad thing? I’m not asking how it goes against your personal morals…that’s a separate question. I’m asking how it’s a bad thing?
It’s not about being ‘hip’ or ‘cool;’ it’s about acknowledging that there is no one right way when it comes to sex.
Hello Michelle,
I’m going to keep this post here as an indicator of your disrespect and sarcasm to the other posters of this forum and to the author of the piece.
Your original post was deleted because it went against our community commenting policy, conflating acts into false equivalencies, generalizing against communities, and creating a very toxic tone.
This piece does the same thing, only you are employing sarcasm at HeatherN’s expense, in order to do as she wisely suggested which was to craft your opposition to the article in ways that didn’t push back against our commenting policy.
We try to give our commenters a wide berth. There are many arguments here on the blog that go on for days and people find a way not to act in ways that hurt each other.
There are also lots of comments on this site that the commenting team do not personally agree with but that stand, big as day, on the site. We go so far as to delete comments that we might actually agree with if they are attacking others. For example, a post attacking Tom Brechlin was deleted today, not for content but for it’s absolute disregard for Tom’s religion.
You are more than welcome to your own opinions, you may express your disagreement here, and you have, many times quite freely. You may not act in ways that show other posters disrespect, generalize against entire communities or lower the discourse. No one is allowed to do that.
We at GMP reserve the right to create a community standard around discourse that is respectful, honest, cites sources, and creates a space that all find safe enough to participate in. If you have any issues with this comment please feel free to email any of the staff here at GMP and we’ll engage you in a personal conversation.
“I’m going to keep this post here as an indicator of your disrespect and sarcasm to the other posters of this forum and to the author of the piece.
Your original post was deleted because it went against our community commenting policy, conflating acts into false equivalencies, generalizing against communities, and creating a very toxic tone.”
I would prefer to see the original comment. Maybe moderation is going to far. Her sarcastic comment is perfectly reasonable to me.
On the cannibalism/polyamory connection:
I don’t have the figures on this, but I’d wager money on the hypothesis that the overwhelming majority of acts of cannibalism are carried out in monogamous cultures, whether the cannibalism was a response to starvation or was a regular part of their culture. Having a strictly (or at least officially) monogamous outlook towards sex did not stop the Donner Party or the rugby team in the Andes….
@ Sandy & NatureArtist, thank you for your kind words. As a father, I teach my children proper names for things, what is theirs & private, and that they can tell us anything or ask us anything. Embarrassment over that kind of exchange has left so many children ignorant of dangers and many have been sexually abused and scared to tell because they were never taught those things.
Frankly the idea that “allowing” LGBT people to be accepted could lead to beastiality or cannibalism is the sign (to me) of a disturbingly deep ignorance and intolerance. Attitudes like that are keeping LGBT people in a state of being treated like subhumans. Put the shoe on the other foot, please. Interracial marriage was illegal not long ago; it was made legal because of basic human rights finally being upheld. Someday, LGBT people will gain the same rights everywhere. Hetero marriage will not be threatened, I promise not to marry a chicken, and the world will keep turning.
As for three-ways of consenting adults? They aren’t wrong, and mature loving couples successfully engage in them often without destroying the marriage. Worry about what is right and wrong for yourself, and let others do the same. We are all (or soon will be) equal.
I do think that sexuality is magic time. The aura created around good sex is pretty spiritual– not ordinary. So, to borrow an idea from Durkheim, it becomes sort of a sacred space. I’ve experienced this during three way sex as well as during one partner sex, although I’d argue that three-ways are actually harder to inscribe a sacred circle around than two ways. I can imagine how wonderful it might be to be initiated by an older couple as a young man. In this fetishized, commercialized society, I think we are justly nervous that our partners are going by fetishes, or that they may be insensitive– so the fear of exploitation is rightly there, even if there is no physical danger at all. Men can have this fear too, because a man opening up for what we might call “high sex” (not involving a drug but just full openness) can make him as vulnerable as a woman can be.
I think what the couple did with the young man was a beautiful, loving thing. How anyone can believe there was anything wrong with what these three consenting adults did is beyond me. And it sounded like the mother, after getting over her initial shock, learned something a out her family as well. I applaud their openness.
I might be a little late commenting on this, but I’m not sure what, exactly, is so horrible about having a slightly awkward first time. I think that there’s a lot to be said about having two people, who are equals, learn and experience things together as they go. Especially when they’re young, people should be free to explore their sexuality without having to worry about how ‘good’ they are in bed. There’s way too much sexual pressure in our society. If the young man fiddles with his girlfriend’s bra straps and has to ask her a few questions about her body before they have sex… is that really so awful? So, you have a little bit of nervousness in your life – you’ll live?
Not only that, but I dislike the implication that the older couple in this story was doing this for the benefit of the young man. They were certainly doing this for their own pleasure, not because they’re just that interested in making sure that young people have good sexual lives.
Thank you for writing such a wonderful article.
“poly is the new gay.” Exactly.
Which is why there must be more discussion about relagalizing polygamy. They already have it in Canada .