Readers respond to Weiner and breast augmentation.
I spoke at a homeless shelter graduation this week. It was inspiring. I met men and women facing a dire future trying to turn it around, fighting for their lives. After my speech, as the graduates filed across the stage to shake my hand, no fewer than three of the African-American male graduates whispered in my ear to ask if I could “sponsor” them. It reminded me how un-level the playing field is in our country for these guys when you think about the odds of growing up in a fatherless home, of getting a terrible education, of ending up in prison. Then I tuned back into the national discourse, not about education or prison or even the real human cost of war among returning soldiers suffering from PTSD. But a Congressman and his penis. His beautiful newlywed wife, apparently pregnant, who works for Hilary. The wedding officiated by Bill. It’s just another Charlie Sheen-Tiger Woods-Jesse James story gone even more bizarre, but we collectively are guilty of rubber necking again and again.
Below are the very spirited responses I got to my Weiner piece along with the piece I did on breast augmentation. On plastic surgery, I admit to having my eyes opened to the female perspective on why and when augmentation might be something a woman might choose for herself. But I continue to believe that Congressman Weiner’s tweeted penis shots to a porn star and the exponential increase in breast surgery are not completely unrelated. They are both symptomatic of a society in which men and women engage in a twisted sexual fantasy, where the headlines are about celebrity rehab rather than war and unemployment and education. As a culture we love porn. We love guys who cheat. And we really have a lot of trouble getting honest about what it means to be a man or a woman in the flesh without creating an alternative cyber reality including twitter handles.
I kind of like what Chelsea Handler said on her show the other night, “I’m going to get naked and send out my picture on twitter just to get it over with. You want to see the goods, here it is. So what!” Maybe we should all do that and then move onto the stuff that is really important.
Responses to: Do Weiner’s Tears Mean Anything?
I think that, over time, he convinced a lot of voters that he was The Man for the future…a brilliant and extraordinarily able politician who, though lacking Mike Bloomberg’s wealth, was in line to do wonders for this city. Now, our hope and his political future are in tatters. I watched his tearful press conference and felt tears welling in my own eyes—for the man himself and for what we, as New Yorkers and voters, have undoubtedly lost by his rabid compulsion.
–Mervyn Kaufman
It’s 2011. Anyone who creates digital content about themselves that they would not be willing to see on the Jumbotron at Fenwaty Park is an idiot. Anyone who does that and holds public office or is in anyway a public figure, is too stupid to hold office.
It is a sorry fact of life that men identify their masculine identity on a mystical belief that as Alpha males they are invulnerable. They dare Fate all the time. When they get caught, they find out they are vulnerable, and they collapse. Why not keep your fly zipped and jump out of airplanes? Spare us all some embarrassment.
–Perry
For me this isn’t a moral issue. It’s more a question of the judgement this man has displayed – not very good, apparently. So then, do we want someone with the maturity level of a teenager to be running this country?
–Gabi
So, now this one has fallen and is trying to get back up. Do we kick him while he’s down, offer him a hand up, or shrug because it’s not our mess?
–Daniel G. Clark
On the spectrum of “Bad Things that Politicians Do” this is fairly mild. Emotional Infidelity (with visual aids) towards his wife: Bad in the context of his marriage, no doubt.
But really, why are politicians more likely to be asked to resign over sex scandals (of any stripe)? Unless part of their platform is conservative in relation to sex and marriage, there’s no hypocrisy that reflects on their policies. You may think it reflects badly on their character, but I’d suggest that that says more about our twisty judgy views on other peoples’ sex lives than they themselves.
Of course, if it transpires that the women involved didn’t want to see those pictures and were unwilling participants, then you’ve got a sexual harassment case, and that’s a totally different situation, one that should have him resign. And be charged.
–Anthony
You’d think that after so many fails, men would figure out that it’s not sexx-aay to put your li’l guy in the mail (or DM).Did Brett Favre ever ask for forgiveness? (At least Weiner technically kept it in his pants…) –Michael
Oh, honey, I hope you aren’t marking all men who send pics off of their lil guys to random women as necessarily ‘bad’ guys. If so… there would be like you and only a half dozen small-peened guys left in the ‘good’ category.
This trend of sending racy pics is so prevalent among men… I’ve received so many unsolicited c*ck shots and d*ck pics that I could start a gay porn website.
Average Joes are enamored with their trouser snakes at an astonishing level.
–Sara
I did not watch the press conference nor do I feel compelled to. I remembered when the story broke and thinking ‘here goes another one’. And he delivered as most guys who get caught do – lies, diversion, mock repent, until their handlers can spin it away.
–Marky Mark
I just can’t believe how guy after guy is just so ….well dumb! Rule number one…never ever send any pictures of body parts thru technology. OH, and if you are a man of intergrity and high morals you don’t have to worry about rule number one. Just so tiring how these high profile self absorbed men are making it more difficult for the good men to get through.
–Barry Kahan
Thank you for bringing up the issue of the state of masculinity. Most women are in such despair around the issue that they just accept less and less and less from men. And, by extension, less and less from the world. Most women do not express their despair in such straightforward terms, just issued in disgusted sighs when news like this hits. As the feminine has less of a voice in shaping our world, we become more of what the masculine is capable of without the counterbalance of the feminine.
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To me, it sounds like he should not have gotten married. If he’d been single, I might have brushed off his behaviour. But he was essentially messing around on his wife. Shows bad judgement. I don’t envy the fellow. It’s so hard to face up to mistakes even when they’re made privately.
–Kitti
It’s pretty astounding at the fancy footwork (excuses, minimizations, rationalizations, etc.) we often come up with to justify acting out our desires. In a society hell-bent on the “right” to pursue and explore own pleasures at ANY cost to ANYbody, it’s no surprise that we offer up ludicrous excuses that insult our own intelligence, that of our partner, and that of our political parties. Thanks, Tom for your evolved perspective. And Bravo for the stance on our porn-gripped psyche…..I couldn’t agree more…..it’s all “of a piece” indeed.
–Lili Bee
It’s discouraging, isn’t it, Tom? As hard as some men seem to be trying to shift the conversation to what is good about manhood and masculinity; others seem to be working as hard to reinforce the old stereotypes and derail the conversation about “being good” – whatever that means. And still….thanks for continuing to sound the call to a new convesation.
–Roger
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Responses to: Is Fake Really Better?
Natural is more beautiful. Surgery is okay by me if it is to repair a problem. I had a friend in college with mismatched boob sizes, and I thought she looked great. (We went to a college with a lot of nude sunbathing. We weren’t lovers.)
–Henry Vandenburgh
As a gal who has a larger chest, it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I wish I was a B-cup again. It’s hot in the South and more boob means more boob sweat. More boob also means gravity wins.Media depictions of the “perfect” female body has warped what women think they ought to look like, when the reality is that plastic surgery is the only way to achieve that look. Companies are telling you your body is inadequate in order to sell a product. It’s hard to let go of the computer-generated, airbrushed, photoshopped, surgery-enhanced bodies on display in advertising when you’ve been exposed to it since you were still in diapers. These images are repeated every day for years, and you start to compare yourself to people on the screen or in your magazines without even realizing it. –LSP
I’m completely against augmentation, but whether fake or natural, both men and women need to learn how to accept women as they are. I’m not bothered by men who have preferences, but men who press natural breasts on women are just as bad as men who press women to get augmentations. I also notice that men who say they prefer natural breasts prefer it for selfish reasons: they’re bouncy, soft, blah, blah, blah. They don’t prefer them for any reasons that have to do with women’s comfort.
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Thank you for this balanced article…I truly enjoyed reading it. Not everyone was born into the “ideal” body, but it’s what you make of it, right? I’ve met the kind of girls that have implants who sort of wear them like a badge and it seems to be the ruling force in their lives, and then I’ve met women who you wouldn’t know have implants because they didn’t get them for anyone else but themselves. I think that’s the difference in the way I feel about it. One side of the story makes me a little sick while the other side of the story makes me respectful of their very personal choice.
–The Blended
I love natural breasts. Fake boobs are terrible. But my wife has always wanted breast augmentation surgery, and very well may get it someday. I’m against it because I think she looks perfect the way she is, but if she wants to do it then ultimately I’ll accept it and I’d never forbid her to do something just because I didn’t like it.
But I don’t think men bear any responsibility for the increase of fake boobs. These are adult women with their own thoughts and opinions. They’re doing it, not men. I think you can easily subtract men from this whole equation.
–Daddy Files
Bottom line women who get augmentation for whatever reason CHOSE to do so. THAT person and ONLY THAT person opted to go under the knife. Where is this notion coming from that the majority of men like large or enhanced breast? Maybe, just maybe a large portion of the 300,000 women who opted to get augmentation last year thought THEMSELVES that bigger/augmented breast were better under their own volition.
–Clark Kent
Instead of being so quick to respond defensively to something that apparently is a big issue for women, perhaps a better way to look at this issue is to take a step back and as a man, not blame women for their choices or automatically make the connection that women are blaming men for their choices. I’d be more encouraged to hear from men: “women do face a lot of pressure and I can understand why they do or don’t get breast implants.” Instead of some of the defensive this-is-all-women’s-fault-and-women’s-own- issue-to-deal-with attitude that doesn’t really help men and women bridge body image gaps.
I’m small chested but my mom is quite busty. It never bothered me until I started learning more about the types of media that interested men, the types of women that were represented in that media and the comments that I heard in general from male friends and boyfriends about my own chest size and other girls. I am NOT blaming men. I am responsible for my own self confidence. But men comment on breast size. Breasts matter to men. This isn’t a secular issue. Men have an impact here. There is a big focus on breast size for women then there is for penis size in men. Because quite simply, breasts are everywhere in media and commercials on a level that male penis size doesn’t reach.
–Erin
It’s not about porn star knockers, but just having *something.* I’ve never had anything but compliments on my breasts-that-disappear-in-a-bikini, but I can’t imagine any of my exes being upset if they were suddenly a little larger. These features are what set our sexes apart, so why wouldn’t we be genetically inclined to look for someone who has the most to offer? Watch one episode of “Life” or “Planet Earth” and it’s clear that many animals choose mates in similar ways.
–Makenzie
From a single male perspective in the dating world i appreciate a woman with small to average cup size,,but tbh in reality breasts do not even enter into the equation though for most i-like most dudes have no preference for how big your chest is.The first thing i notice when i approach a gal is her EYES.I couldn’t give a flip about perfectly symetrical boobs,large or anything else.Im sorry that ‘some’ women feel pressure and or the need to get implants.
–Blond Dude