How do we stop rape? By beginning the conversation with our sons.
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Rape is always everywhere: in America, in India, in Somalia, in Saudi Arabia, in Israel.
We all know the news stories: a small town divided, a girl dead in Dehli—the conversation is back on the table. And in all these conversations, there seems to be something missing.
Yes, we need to protect our daughters, but more importantly—how do we stop our sons?
At least a few mornings a week for the past few years, I write at the same coffee shop. The crowd in the morning is filled with retired men around age seventy. Sometimes their wives join them, but most of the time, they congregate at an over-sized table and gossip.
The leader of the pack is a man in his early seventies, white hair, no wrinkles, works out religiously. He likes to gab with every woman that walks in—well, every pretty woman who walks in.
Then, once she leaves, the men begin to talk, like frat boys. They objectify every woman and speak of her looks in great detail in loud booming voices. They are like a pack of teenage boys trying to navigate the first taste of potent testosterone rushing through their bodies.
However, these men aren’t teenage boys. They’ve had a good fifty years to figure out how to keep their hormones in check–especially in public. I cringe at them. While the leader talks to every pretty girl who walks in, I’ve had maybe six conversations with him. Why? Because I’m not fuckable; therefore, I’m not worthy of conversation. I don’t say this because it hurts my feelings. I’m saying it because I find the undercurrent of these men’s conversations dangerous.
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Over the years, women’s rights advocates have cultivated a mantra: Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power.
This mantra is not only absurd, it is downright dangerous. I’m not the first to argue this. Camille Paglia wrote a controversial essay on the topic called “On Rape” that had feminists up in arms. To pretend that rape has nothing to do with sex ignores the piece of male sexuality that makes men forget that women are not objects. It ignores the conversations that spark the downward spiral into inappropriate action.It ignores the group-think associated with these conversations and ignores the possibility of a next step.
Ten years ago, I sat in the bleachers at a softball game. A man in his early fifties sat next to me. He and his buddies kept commenting about one of the law clerks on the field, how hot she was, and their comments got more and more intense. They were fixated on every part of her.
I was sitting right there.
They didn’t even care.
Then, the man told his thirteen-year-old son that when the two teams wish each other “good game” he should pull down the girl’s pants, so they could see her underwear. The boy started to get up.
“Don’t.” They said it. But they laughed.
The lesson was clear, that the boy’s actions wouldn’t have been about power alone. They would have been about sex and the needs of a crowd of men to view the nakedness of a young law student for their own pleasure. The idea that it might shame her meant nothing. It was disgusting. And I was too scared to speak up because my husband was new at his job.
But that is where it begins. With the comments about women and the slippery slope on which they are shared. To say that the slippery slope is simply about power is to completely misunderstand male sexuality.
Of course, as the mother of a daughter, I never want her to be that girl on the softball field. I never want your daughter to be that girl on the softball field.
So we teach our daughters about rape.
We warn them.
But as the mother of a son, I never want him to be that boy pulling that girl’s pants because they guys thought it was funny.
I never want him to be the guy that has sex with a girl who is so drunk that she can’t remember the next morning.
I never want him to use sex to overpower.
So, where do we start? We start by acknowledging that these coffee houses, frat houses, locker rooms, and softball field conversations aren’t just boys being boys. They are a lesson in the intertwining of sex and power, and a lesson in how easily women can lose their humanity in a crowd of men.
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Photo: Mai Rodriguez/Flickr
This piece originally appeared on Girl Body Pride.
Shoshana – Nice piece. I could share very similar stories because I’ve had some pretty similar experiences as you. LIke you, I’ve seen it happen everywhere – from coffee shops to football games. Especially at the football games you’d have families there of both men and women. But you’d especially have generations of older men talking about the cheerleaders or women with their young or teenage sons listening was just so frustrating to hear how easily objectifying women was to them and that these younger generations of boys were being taught it was just normal. Where these guys bad guys?… Read more »
OK, where to begin. I decided to approach this with an open mind and so I could agree with you because we do need to start somewhere. Staring with our sons may be fine as long as it’s not we’ll talk to our daughters after no woman is ever raped again. I don’t really see a reason why a mother with a daughter could not teach her not to rape and to respect a boys boundaries until all bots are taught to respect women / girls. “Rape is always everywhere: in America, in India, in Somalia, in Saudi Arabia, in… Read more »
Well, we first have to understand who is or is not raping our women…and it’s not the son’s of the men and women reading this. It’s not our college boys, so talking to our sons it going to do very little to solve the issue. In fact, doing so in the accusatory ways we are (anti rape classes etc) is more our way of raping his psyche, especially when such begin with a forced admittance that he has any potential of becoming a rapist. The average rapist has committed 6 to 7 rapes. More than likely he’s been abused himself.… Read more »
Maybe if we want boys to respect the boundaries of others, we should teach them they have a right to have their boundaries respected in turn. And teach girls that, no, just because you’re a girl you don’t have the right to paw at boys either.
Boys can be victims of rape but it appears this author does not know that.
Not talking about sexual violence against boys and men, in an article that was attempting to open a discussion on sexual violence against women, does not suggest at all that the author is not aware that boys and men can be victims of rape too. Just like writing an article about Christianity by itself doesn’t mean that the author of such an article isn’t aware that there are other religions that exist too. At some point, you got to break down topics to talk about their unique challenges. You can’t include every variable just because it *appears* more politically correct… Read more »
Find me one article, just one, but I’d prefer to see 5 of a mother teaching her daughters not to sexually assault boys or men. Not an article that focuses on both genders, but strictly and solely on teaching daughters to not sexually assault males. Bonus points if you can find articles with mothers teaching daughters not to abuse males in a relationship. The problem with the single-gender focus articles is that they rarely cover the males, and certain things like a woman telling other females to not harm men is the rarest form…infact I can’t recall ever seeing one… Read more »
Start by realizing he’s far more likely to be a victim of sexual abuse from a female than to be a rapist himself. Teach daughters not to rape, not to hit, not to abuse. Teach the sons too but it’s violence against boys and men which is now needing more support to bring it up to a proportional level of focus alongside violence against women and girls. If the men want to talk about how gorgeous a woman is, they need to do it quietly and with respect so it doesn’t affect her. The men I know who quietly talk… Read more »
Well stated, Archy. If we are to convict people of rape for either talking about, or objectifying the opposite sex then I know of a whole boatload of young women that need to go to prison….because that is all they do when they get together..and with the same boorish bravado…and not quietly but as an expression of “grrl powa”. That is not rape. it’s just one more double standard, one more issue focused around accusing and convicting men in the minds of the paranoid, while holding women up as the hapless victims of those evil penises. I mean this particular… Read more »