Women have every right to be recognized, respected, and admired for their intelligence, creativity, and character. But they often want to be appreciated for their looks as well.
Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a woman who was the most brilliant, creative, and driven person I’d ever known. I told her these things often because she didn’t see herself this way, despite achieving tremendous success and acclaim in her professional and artistic fields. She was also incredibly beautiful and sexy, though she seemed not to realize this either, so I told her these things often too. But while I thought it was more important to praise her brilliance, it sometimes seemed to mean more to her to be reassured that she was attractive and desirable.
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Most of us don’t expect a woman to tell us how handsome or sexy we are—and some of us would find it hard to regard such a comment as sincere if they did.
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When it comes to complimenting a woman, men often walk a very difficult line. Of course, context matters—in a professional setting, commenting on appearance is often inappropriate, but at the singles club, it may be essential. Unfortunately, everything in between is ambiguous. Women have every right to be recognized, respected, and admired for their intelligence, creativity, and character. But at the same time, they often want to be appreciated for their looks as well.
These two desires are not mutually exclusive, of course—one can tell a woman that she is both brilliant and beautiful. But to me, it feels likes mentioning a women’s physical appearance risks discounting any comments about her other qualities. It is all too easy to go overboard in either direction—we shouldn’t objectify women based on their looks, of course, but there is also the risk of ignoring their appearance altogether, which may be felt as insulting (especially if she expects such comments). Like I said, a difficult line to walk, especially for men who respect and admire women for their brains and their beauty.
Unfortunately, most guys cannot begin to understand this. If we receive compliments from women, they’re usually about our achievements or our character, not our looks. Most of us don’t expect a woman to tell us how handsome or sexy we are—and some of us would find it hard to regard such a comment as sincere if they did. On this point, Hugo Schwyzer wrote recently:
So many straight men have no experience of being wanted. So many straight men have no experience of sensing a gaze of outright longing. Even many men who are wise in the world and in relationships, who know that their wives or girlfriends love them, do not know what it is to be admired for their bodies and their looks. They may know what it is to be relied upon, they may know what it is to bring another to ecstasy with their touch, but they don’t know what it is to be found not only aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but worthy of longing.
As he usually does, Hugo hit the nail on the head: most guys don’t know what it’s like to be appreciated for their looks. And this makes it hard for us to understand the importance of this to women, especially at the same time that we’re making an effort not to objectify women on the basis of their looks.
Trust me, I’m not ringing the “oh it’s so hard to be a guy these days” bell; it’s the responsibility of every man to try to understand how to treat women with both respect and admiration. But as far as the right balance of these two is compared, we really have no frame of reference, especially when it comes to looks, which makes it all the more difficult.
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Read Lisa Hickey’s response to the question of ‘Beauty or Brains’ here.
—Photo dreamglowpumpkincat210/Flickr
About Mark D White
Great piece Mark. I think the essential question here is whether women’s obsession with their on appearance is driven by men or women? I don’t know the answer though I would add that in my experience a lot of grown and married women compete with each other to look good in ways that please other women, not men (give me a t-shirt and jeans over some cocktail dress any day).
As for the longing stares, I am ready, willing and able.
I agree completely, Tom (and thanks)–in fact, I was just talking with a woman who said she worries more about looking good for her (very critical) female friends more than for men.
I would argue that the reason women worry about looking good for other women is that is validation they can trust that they look good for men. I don’t actually think women are honest about their motivations for looking good: “Oh, I’m doing it for myself! Of course!” — which is exactly why I wanted to start the conversation.
Interesting–I have a friend who studies female competition for men, and I think she would agree with what you said.
I agree with Tom and Lisa. Women don’t want to look good for other women in a competitive or impressive way; most women know that if another woman compliments them, it’s a green light that they might attract some male attention/approval.
Lisa, I wonder if that competition stops when women get married? The motivation of vying for the attention/approval of single men makes perfect sense for single women looking for a date.
But, one would think that married women stop competing in that way, since that would suggest that they are competing with single women for the attention and approval of other men. However, if women don’t stop competing after marriage, why would they feel the need to compete for the attention of other men?
“I would add that in my experience a lot of grown and married women compete with each other to look good in ways that please other women, not men (give me a t-shirt and jeans over some cocktail dress any day).”
Tom, I think a reason for that is: if a woman is with a man who stops complimenting her (often the case when they think they’ve secured your love) then she’ll find the compliments where she can: either from other men out there, or from friends, or both. Madison Avenue puts out a tremendous call to have us heed the imperative to be beautiful (right or wrong, however we feel about that) so when women spend fortunes to look good and their man doesn’t notice, well….it can be painful. (throw in that you notice he doesn’t let a pretty woman escape his notice, and/or that he looks at porn, & you might see why it might well be the recipe for a perfect storm).
Additionally, many women receive compliments from other women that are very specific:
“Killer shoes! They make your legs look endless!”
“Wow, that dress really shows how hard you’re working at the gym….you go, Girl!”
“Your highlights are so subtle and shimmery! Who did them for you?”
Whereas men often give very general compliments:
“You look nice”
“Your hair looks, um….pretty”
I would never disparage a man for that; au contraire, he gets big points from me for noticing.
If I could add something constructive to this conversation, it would be: let’s do something about it!
How about we all add two items of praise to our partner every day (or at least a few times a week?)
To keep it balanced, how about one from Column A (innate qualities we admire), one from Column B (something we find aesthetically pleasing about our partner). Ex:
“Your skills at bringing people together just really floors me”- &
“The way that dress accentuates your beautiful body….Mmmm hmmmm!”
I wonder if anyone would object to that? If they did, that might initiate an interesting conversation they could have with each other. It might touch on our discomfort around our RECEIVING compliments/ praise.
This article was really interesting to me. Perhaps I have never really dated that many men who really appreciate women because this was like an alien language to me! Or maybe it’s that I have never done anything that a boyfriend thought worthy of praise….
Most of my relationships have consisted of me holding my man up- telling him how handsome he is, how impressed I am by his talents/wit/success and getting back… not an awful lot. I suppose I have always felt like I am attractive to my man but this depended on his desire for me = the amount of times a week he initiated sex. Quite often I initiated as he was tired, stressed and in need of some attention.
Have I taken on the role of the man? Is this why I am not married?! Help me out here. Should I stand back and wait for it to come to me.? Maybe I was thinking I was leading by example.
No, I wouldn’t say you’ve taken on the role of the man–it’s both partners’ responsibility to support each other, and maybe you have simply never demanded praise back. (Sexual interest is a legitimate way of expressing it–that’s a whole other article waiting for someone to write it–though perhaps not the way you would most like.) And yes, I think you were leading by example, but if your guy didn’t get the hint, that’s a sign that he’s not the right guy.
Ok, so all is not lost!
I think I haven’t ever chosen the right guy. I’m a fixer and always want to make other people feel good but I think I’ve realised that in the process I make myself feel pretty bad. I always pick the lame dogs who need so much looking after that there is nothing left for me.
No more lame dogs I say! Love the site- just found it through Twitter but will be checking in regularly- I could learn a lot.
Thanks (on behalf of all of us here)–glad you like it! And no, all is not lost, never.
(You might also like some of my posts at Psychology Today, where I touch on some similar themes: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me)
Neither. beauty nor intellgence should be emphasized. Beauty is usually transcient and, for women especially, as it fades over time, they begin to be made to feel invisible. No one tells an older woman that she isn’t beautiful anymore but it’s implied by the fact that no one tells her that she is any longer. Intelligence is relative and those with better educational opportunities may be percieved to be more intelligent when they really aren’t.
Emphasize neither one. Instead, emphasize far more important and impactful human qualities, such as as kindness, compassion, patience, forgiveness, etc. All of those qualities are more imporant than intelligence or beauty and can be attained by anyone, no matter how much or little they are blessed with beauty or better than average educational opportunities
I agree with you completely, Eric–that should be the ideal. But what we don’t say is often felt as deeply as what we do, so complimenting someone’s character (whether man or woman) and not mentioning intelligence or looks may be taken to imply that they’re deficient. Think of a woman being told “you have such a nice personality”–that’s a good thing, certainly, but she is left wondering why her looks or brains weren’t mentioned. This is based on a cultural expectation, of course, and one that should change, but I don’t expect that to happen soon.
Mark, let’s do the right thing and stop feeding a monster that we agree should die or at least be caged. If someone is exceptional, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that but most people are just average in looks and intelligence. I don’t personally endorse treating women like children who need to be constantly told how cute they are when they are probably just average.
If they have great hair, tell them that. If they have especially great eyes, tell them that, But, be honest and don’t give them a false impression of their looks or intelligence. It’s not fair to them.
On the other hand, it is seldom not possible to commend or acknowledge some positive personality/character trait and those can and often do get better with age, unlike beauty.
I can dig it. Things like beauty and brains are best left in the realm of personal preference (but not deal breakers).
As Mark points out its very easy for even an innocent compliment to come off as a backhanded compliment ( that woman being told “you have such a nice personality” could very well take that as “since you aren’t that beautiful I’ll comment on your personality instead”). And as Mark says change is needed.
I’ve often heard it said that a woman’s husband/boyfriend/partner should compliment her on her beauty more often than on her brains. If she is a successful professional, she likely gets complimented on her intellectual side often enough at work, so when she comes home it is her beauty that should be complimented.
I don’t know how accurate or reasonable this is. Frankly, I probably don’t compliment my partner as much as I should. I hope she knows how I feel, but I should probably say it aloud more often than I do.
Hm. I think complements should go (1) where the insecurities are and (2) where you want to build character. For instance, I’m not especially flattered when a guy tells me I’m smart – I’ve always known that, and it doesn’t change it if a guy thinks I am or not. So it neither makes me more secure, nor builds up my character… But I’m really flattered when my boyfriend tells me that I look good, because I’ve always stressed and nitpicked about small things – are my cheeks too round? My legs not slim enough? My jawline not pronounced enough? When he tells me I’m ridiculous and that I’m beautiful, it’s really flattering, because he’s complimenting an area where I feel insecure.
The best thing that my boyfriend does, though, is complimenting aspects of my character that he really likes, from general things like “You go out of your way to be there for others, and I really admire that about you” to specifics like “You know your rule about never drinking if you’ve been feeling sad? I really respect that about you.” It makes me conceive of my worth in terms of personality rather than looks, but he compliments my looks enough that I don’t feel like it’s a backhanded compliment. It makes me want to do more good-quality stuff and less bad-quality stuff. I feel like in the long run, this will help me to grow into a really good person.
For what it’s worth, I think it should go both ways… I tell my boyfriend that he looks good / is sweet, etc. Most guys desire that affirmation, too, they’re just less straightforward about asking for it.
why do you want to look like a man(assuming ure a feminine woman)?
It is interesting how het femininity has absorbed virtually all the clothes of men, the names of men, and now the bodies and faces of men
Thankfully men are born with more prominent cheekbones, eyebrow ridges and jawlines. Narrow hips, small bum, lean legs. Or these things to would become ‘inherently’ female too
Personally I don’t really like compliments. I think compliments often come across as insincere or manipulative, or even as backhanded insults. E.g. When someone at work says, “wow, you look so good today!”, a part of me wonders, “what gives? Do I normally look like crap?”
I’m often told that I’m “smart.” Usually this is a signal that I’ve been acting like a know-it-all and at some level, I’m making the other person uncomfortable. I learned at an early age that if a guy on a date told me “you are really smart,” I would never hear from him again. (In fact, more than one guy over the years told me that I was “too smart.”)
The only compliment I like to hear from my boyfriend is “you look nice” or “you look hot” if I have really made an effort to dress up for a special event or a night out.
I’ve always had some self-esteem issues so maybe that’s why compliments make me uncomfortable, but honestly I’d prefer to be told “you did a good job” or “nice work” rather than empty remarks about my personal qualities.
Hey Jill. If I wasn’t married, I’d be interested. Smart does it for me. I probably want a minimum standard of attractiveness too. But a woman should be interesting.
I think you are wrong to say men aren’t appreciated for their looks, Mark. As my last post said, ‘metrosexuality’ in men is all about ‘the desire to be desired’. By women, men, everyone. Men like to look hot these days!
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-myth-of-real-men-a-response-to-eliezer-sobel-by-quiet-riot-girl/
http://www.amazon.com/Metrosexy-Century-Self-Love-Story-ebook/dp/B0052VIBMQ/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&m=A7B2F8DUJ88VZ&s=digital-text&qid=1306656993&sr=1-7
Perhaps, but 1) I don’t think most men are metrosexuals, and 2) wanting to be desired is a different thing for actually being desired, much less being told that one is desired.
I’d have to disagree with you on 1) as I think metrosexuality is the dominant expression of masculinity today.
and 2) agreed, but a lot of men get their reassurance of their desirability from the mirror, or from Likes on their photos on facebook or from their tumblr followers. Men enjoy ‘self-love’ these days.
I’ll have to take your word for both, then!
I like a natural look on both men and women. But as a nod to the new century, I don’t think I’ll ever buy a checked pendelton again. I think the metero look is fairly silly. The “hotness” stuff looks like the reverse to an ex-hippy like me: completely devoid of sensuality.
Hi Henry
Metrosexuality is not really a ‘look’ it just describes how men enjoy being desirable these days, and work on their body and clothes in order to be that way.
But I do agree in general, that bodies and fashion are becoming less ‘sensual’ – but that’s the contemporary world!
(Reply to mark d 13aug 6.20pm post. If my phone hasnt connected to the right thread)
Depends what u mean by m.sexuality. Before the prudish disruptions of late 18th c ce, across the globe men were certainly alot more interested in clothes adornment eg in the 18th c in europe men of all classes wore rouge in their cheeks.
We r like other species where the male is visibly different from the female. Display/beauty is a function of masculinity. display in our words, deeds, bodies, faces…and our clothes