Mary Kelly-Williams discusses one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship: communication.
Someone needs to say it. The four dreaded words that most men, if they were being totally honest, would admit are the last words they want to hear after a long day of doing whatever it is they did. Women, I know you mean well when you say, “We need to talk,” but through the eyes of a man, it’s likely you seem a bit antagonistic to him, despite your good intentions.
Why is it that these four words can cause so much dread, so much consternation, and even unwittingly, a call to battle?
I like to talk to my husband. I like to communicate with him, connect with him. A lot of the time this inevitably involves the spoken word.
I like to analyze, dissect, ruminate on, munch on…words.
I like to work it out, resolve it, settle it, come up with mutually agreed upon terms, and I want to do it NOW. (I, I, I, I, I)
When I get like this, my husband prefers the solitary company found only in a cave.
What happened to my soul mate and who now possesses my husband’s body when I WANT TO TALK?
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When women say, “We need to talk,” what is most likely being said is, “I want to connect with you.” But that’s not how it’s received. When a woman says, “We need to talk,” most men would love to scream, “WHAT NOW?”
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Gender differences. It can be a tricky subject. We want to tread carefully, lest we be accused of being stereotypical or sexist. Yet research clearly shows us that certain realities exist, and differences between men and women are as old as the ages, especially when it comes to communication. Aside from gender differences, research shows that in gay and lesbian relationships, there is often a talker and a non-talker.
When I talk to men about their disdain for these four words, they admit that hearing these words invokes feelings of shame. “What did I do now?” “What did I not provide?” “Where did I screw up?” “How long is this going to take?”
When women say, “We need to talk,” what is most likely being said is, “I want to connect with you.” But that’s not how it’s received. When a woman says, “We need to talk,” most men would love to scream, “WHAT NOW?”
Men get dragged into my office on a regular basis by their well-meaning wives or lovers. These women want to talk, and they want to be heard. Is that so much to ask?
Well, yeah, sometimes it is. And sometimes it’s not even about the talking, it’s about the TONE. Oh, the tone is so important. Personally, I get annoyed with having to worry about the tone. I just want to say the thing, blurt it out, say it with emphasis, and use some hand gestures while I’m at it.
But I’ve noticed over the years that my tone makes all the difference in the world. I came from a big family, so my tone can be rather loud and hurried. I have to get it in before someone interrupts me. Only, I have to remember that when I’m talking to my husband it’s just him and me, not him and me and eight other people.
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Once, after a house full of company for the holidays, things had gotten tense between my husband and me. My husband was more withdrawn and uncommunicative. I couldn’t wait for everyone to leave because I needed to talk, to find out what was wrong, to get to the root of the matter.
The last person finally left, the door shut, and I turned to my husband and said, “We need to talk.” He went from tense and tired to uptight, annoyed, and impatient. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said as he headed for the nearest remote control.
The nerve! And thus began the dance. The pursuer, the distancer. The in-your-face, the get-out-of-my face. And ultimately, the fight.
Any of this sound familiar? I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.
Steven Stosny, a marital expert and researcher recently collaborated on a book with another relationship expert, Pat Love, a woman. It’s called, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Brilliant! The authors suggest that marriage counseling, relationship books, and the popular media are more supportive of a woman’s style of communication than that of a man’s. The book provides strong research, as well as other ways of communicating with one another with which men can resonate, for a change.
When I work with couples, I tell them that the work on which they are embarking isn’t going to involve all those thousands of tedious words. The relief on the faces of men is palpable.
Time to get creative. Work on the timing (timing is as key as the tone), be gentle, open, and curious. We can all learn better ways of communicating that don’t involve a dissertation.
And women, don’t despair. The next time you really want to connect with your man, here are four words that are sure to never fail…“Want to have sex?”
—Photo jenschapter3/Flickr
About Mary Kelly-Williams
Yet research clearly shows us that certain realities exist, and differences between men and women are as old as the ages, especially when it comes to communication.
My wife and I must be freaks, then, because we don’t embody any of the stereotypes about men and women. She’s traditionally feminine in some ways, non-traditional in other ways. I’m traditionally masculine in some ways, non-traditional in other ways. And in our over decade together, I don’t think either of us has said “We need to talk,” even though we’ve had serious talks about our relationship.
If you want to make the point that the vast majority of people fall in line with their social training, then I’ll agree fully. Men and women are raised to be different, so when they are different, why is that a surprise? And when the model of romantic relationships is a gender binary, why is it a surprise that most gay/lesbian relationships would have a talker and a non-talker?
I have always been “the talker” in my relationships (and I’m hetero). It’s just who I am: I was always on the debate team, or Model UN, or any other activity that involves yammering away for awards.
That’s why I strictly hated being told by my (now ex) girlfriends “We need to talk.”
Because it never meant “We need to talk.” We “talked” all of the time. Indeed, I rarely shut up. So if she truly wanted to “connect” what was missing? I didn’t need an invitation, just step right up, I’d be happy to talk with you.
In debate you learn that one of the most powerful tools in argumentation is framing. If you frame an argument properly, your opponent has already lost. Possibly the best example of this was the Republic effort during the 1990s to frame any estate tax as a “death tax.” The moment the public came to believe that people were being taxed for dying, arguments about fiscal responsibility, wealth redistribution, or even basic fainess, were never going to get anywhere. The debate had been successfully reframed as “Should we tax death?” to which the obvious answer is “No.”
In the past, when I was told by a girlfriend “We need to talk.” I found this was often code for “I want to control how an argument we are about to have is framed.” She could not simply broach the subject with me openly, because then the framing was up for debate: instead, we had to have a special conversation in which she set the terms.
To be clear: if you are setting the terms for a conversation with someone else, you have no intention of listening to them and every intention of yelling at them.
My fiancee, on the otherhand, has not once told me “we need to talk.” We have had our share of arguments, but they begin by one of us simply raising a concern, not by an attempt to control the outcome of a disagreement before it has begun.
I Completely agree with you mike. Regardless of which gender says it, ‘we need to talk’ and its variants are nothing more than a dominance power play.
‘we need to talk’ is really saying ‘you listen to me real good buster, because this is how things are going to be from now on. You got it’
Yes. The one deal-breaker I can imagine a partner is someone who isn’t able to be respectful whilst both expressing their own feelings and listening to mine. I’m a talker. I want you to be too.
This comes back to the ‘holding ourselves to a higher standard’ bit of TGMP. A man or woman who can’t be a respectful and attentive partner -or believes that the opposite sex isn’t capable of the same- is part of the problem.
I don’t believe I’ve ever said “We need to talk” to my husband, either. In my eyes, it makes it sound as if talking is some kind of special ceremony — you’re announcing it with a significant amount of fanfare. He and I just . . . talk. All the time. About everything. If “talks” usually occur at the end of some period of silence or awkwardness or isolation, then I suppose the fact that we’re in constant communication never gives us the opportunity to be far apart and alone with our thoughts, which can sometimes turn into a session of building a mountain up out of a molehill. There’s a constant back and forth with us, always.
Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t have our occasional spats. But they go something like this:
[One of us gets snappish about something.]
[The other huffs, "Fine. Okay." Silence ensues.]
[No more than five minutes later . . . "I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm sorry."]
[Conversation about the incident, what was heard vs. what was meant ensues. 10-30 minutes later, we're back to our normal selves as if nothing had ever happened.]
We can’t stand to not interact with one another. Fights make both of us extremely unhappy, and we realize it’s far better to acknowledge we hurt the other’s feelings, talk about what happened and what lead to the build-up that caused the outburst, and move on so that we can get back to doing what makes us happy: being together.
So, a “We need to talk” would sound absolutely silly in our relationship, because the communication is so constant and dynamic that it’d be redundant. And I think that’s how you avoid it — if you’re not a talker, by damn, become a talker. Nothing on TV, on the internet, or anywhere else is as interesting to us as each other. If I needed a screen-watching partner, I’d just stay single, buy a dog, and invite friends over. That’s not to say that “me time” isn’t important (it is), but for the most part, interacting with your partner should be a joy, not a chore.
When they hear “we need to talk,” what many men hear is not an invitation to take part in an equal conversation but an alarm telling him that there is a lecture or a criticism coming. That may not be fair to his partner to assume that, but in many cases it is based on his previous experiences.
If there are communication issues, usually both people could stand some improvement. If he gets defensive, that may be a conditioned reaction from the times he has been talked at before. What one person may sincerely see as an invitation, someone else may misinterpret as something very different.
To the partners trying to start these awkward conversations, I would ask if you’re honestly inviting your partner to have an equal dialogue or if there is something else. Are you willing to listen without reacting, or is your intent to steer a conversation towards something in particular? It would be helpful to make it clear to the non-talkative guy what you’re looking for from him and what you’re not looking for.
A man who truly feels invited to share what he’s thinking and feeling on an equal footing is much more likely to open up. If he knows there won’t be an immediate judgment or an immediate argument for saying something controversial, he will be more likely to open up. If he’s afraid of saying the wrong thing even though it’s the truth, he will be less likely to talk.
I have known several people who assumed that because they were sensitive, intuitive, outgoing, and talkative that meant that they were good communicators and good listeners. (Those characteristics can actually get in the way of communication sometimes, especially if the other person is not like that.) I don’t know if women make this assumption more than men do, but I do think there are some women who assume that because they’re women they must be good communicators and good listeners.
This in no way takes any responsibility from the non-communicative guy. He still has to learn how to communicate better. I’m just saying that maybe he’s not really hearing an invitation.
I want to counter your arguments constructively, but there’s too much that feels sexist or mean. The last paragraph in particular is offensive to everyone.
So far the commentators have done a great job of showing how much better we can be as people than what you’re portraying. You lot give me hope.
I mostly nodded my head in agreement until I got to the last paragraph. I know it’s supposed to be a joke, but actually there are plenty of men who are not ready to go at a moment’s notice, they may not be jumping at every chance to have sex. That may be what she wants to talk to him about in the first place!!
Despite coming from a family that always announces things — from “Can I ask you a question?” (Well, just ask it! … although there has been the temptation to say, “No, you can’t!”) to the bizarre “I’m going to the bathroom” (Did I really need to know that?) — I have never said, “We need to talk.” I agree with other commentors here that saying that is akin to “I want to control how an argument we are about to have is framed.” Just talk — with compassion and kindness.
Often the other part of the “we” equation does not need to talk. So it’s a lot better to start the conversation with an “I” statement.
As for the sex statement in the last paragraph, yes, she was adding some levity and sometimes levity falls flat. But playfulness is sorely lacking nowadays — we’re all so gender divided, sensitive and PC that we can (and do) take offense at anything! Look at the whole tone and point of the article, and don’t focus on the one tiny “negative.”
Er, I’m sorry….but, “dance”? What dance? One person has something that they feel they need to discuss, and the other is too….what? lazy….? uncaring….? to give a damn, so they crawl off into their “man cave” so to avoid what might be an adult conversation about real issues. And we give them a pass….why? Oh, that’s right. Silly me. Because extensive research has been done which clearly shows us that men don’t like to be grown up sometimes, and that they’d rather run and hide under the bed when the big mean woman calls to them for assistance with something, even if that just means gasp! talking.
Is this The GOOD Men Project? Because if it is, can we please stop enforcing the same old tired idiotic stereotypes which basically serve to let men off the hook and excuse childish behavior?
And back to the word “dance”….that’s a pesky one for me, because in researching domestic violence issues from the er, men’s POV, I keep hearing that domestic violence is nothing but a “dance” of anger between two partners. So is this one of the steps in that so-called “dance”? Because I have an abusive ex who loved to storm off anytime I tried to discuss matters of importance with him. According to the logic that I see here (and I admit that I may be reading this through a faulty lens), then I played a part in that “dance” when all I was really trying to do was be a damned adult.
Honestly every time I hear the phrase “we need to talk” it makes me panic. It just sounds really bad to me. Like, I did something wrong or they want to break up or something negative.
“We need to talk ” can most often be translated as “I have determined that we need to talk and now is the time to do it.” It involves little or no consideration of the other person, and is almost always said at a time when the other person is at a disadvantage. It’s an ambush.
If you truly want to have an open and fair discussion, say something like “I’d like to set some time aside later to discuss (whatever needs to be talked about)”
These may be the four words men hate most, but there are worse words:
“Dr Phil says…”
“Do you think she’s pretty?”
“Notice anything different?”
These are much scarier and almost always lead to “We need to talk”
“We need to talk” means a declaration is about to be made regarding the state of the relationship and that you will listen to it and agree with it without compromise or negotiation, or risk her leaving you. It means she’s frustrated and/or bored and that you need to “step up” and address and/or resolve the situation or ELSE. She’s presenting a problem, her unhappiness, and you’re being tasked with fixing it.
It has NOTHING to do with “her wanting to connect with you”!
And you call this a site for MEN, that gives men advice about women?
More ridiculing men, veiled as classic chick pop-psychology from the GMP.
“Want to have sex?”, as if we’re oafish animals and that’s the sure way to “connect”.
Please don’t do men any more favors Ms. Kelly Hyphen Williams.
It’s best you don’t give any advice at all than the advice you’re giving.
You know very little about men and even less about women.