Is a man who is a virgin not really a man?
There is a list of things that no man wants to hear. Most of them are simple: no man wants to be called weak or spineless or useless or ugly. For that matter, I doubt any woman does either. And yet, these things tend to slip out, as one statement did a few weeks ago.
It began innocently enough: a simple Italian dinner in the East Village with some current college friends. I was sitting at a table with two of my favorite females catching up on life and our lack of love over pasta and salads. All appeared to be well.
Then the discussion of my [lack of a] sexual life was brought up.
It’s not something I’m afraid to talk about. I have a weird relationship with sex compared to modern mainstream culture—somewhat caused by my lingering conservative Baptist upbringing and somewhat because of personal intimacy fears I have yet to face. It’s not like I don’t have any sort of sex drive; I identify as a straight man, albeit a virgin. It seems that everyone besides me wants to make a big deal of it. I don’t take sex lightly, and I’m not going to just throw away my virginity because “I’m getting too old.” In the meantime, I live a sexless existence. It’s cool—I’ve enrolled in Asexuals Anonymous.
The young women I’m having dinner with (who we’ll call Katy and Jill for the sake of anonymity) are close personal friends of mine. One of them I thought I may actually have an interest in forming a romantic relationship with at one point until I realized how in love she was with another man (who was, of course, another good friend of mine). These ladies have my best interests at heart, truly. We have spent a lot of time in our college’s dining hall or going on late night walks in Boston or seeing loads of theatre. We are, in many ways, intimate, but not romantic. We agree on lots of things. They just happen to think that what’s best for me is a sexually active lifestyle, and this causes moments of disagreement as well as spawning some unique (and enlightening) conversations.
“Wait, Daniel. Have you even seen porn?”
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They start down the road we’ve traveled before, discussing love and relationships and sex. Frankly, I have little to contribute. But Katy gets the bright idea to ask: “Wait, Daniel. Have you even seen porn?”
A momentary hush settles over our corner of the restaurant. Jill turns towards me with big, expectant eyes, and I realize I’m cornered—literally and figuratively. There was a time in my life when I would have cared to answer this question honestly, but that time has passed. A combination of maturity and my exposure to the liberal leanings in the great state of Massachusetts has put me at ease when discussing these otherwise taboo matters. “Yes, I’ve seen porn before,” I answer. “I don’t like it, but I’ve seen it.”
Most of the men out there I imagine will agree with me when I say that initial question was a little … vapid. If you are a male who has grown up in the last three decades in a country that has any amount of internet access, you have most likely seen porn. Is that so shocking?
Apparently, for some, it is. Katy and Jill went into a tizzy, launching a discussion which was, in my opinion, far too personal for the public forum of a restaurant. I mean, if my mother had heard this discussion (or after she reads this post), even her toes would have been turning red with embarrassment. They wanted to know everything: How many times have I seen porn? Do I watch it regularly? Why don’t I like it? Have I ever masturbated? Have I watched it with other guys before? Is that a thing guys actually do?
I wanted to crawl under the table, find a copy of the Holy Bible, and swear to never mention sex at a dinner table again. Instead, I remained above ground with my face turning all shades of pink, then red (then purple?), trying to change the subject to something else. I never thought I’d be having this conversation with women—even this pair of close, caring friends. I never wanted to.
The discussion was winding down. Jill was sitting next to me with this perplexed look on her face (which was nothing compared to the distracted glances and pauses in conversation from the table sitting next to us). I asked her why she was looking like that. She couldn’t seem to look me in the eye. “It’s just that … I don’t know, I guess I’ve never thought of you like this,” she replied. “I always thought you were like a Ken doll I down there.”
Dear women of the world: you should never say this statement to a man. Women may spend a lot of time trying to look like Barbies, and men may want to look like Ken dolls, but not in the smooth, sexless, between-the-legs department.
I wanted to protest. She should know that just because I don’t sit around objectifying women all day in front of her doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to any of them. Just because I’ve never tried to have sex with her doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with anyone on the entirety of God’s green earth.
It was like she imagined me as a forest nymph with wings, or a cherubic angel sporting a halo on a cloud—something sexless, genderless, an “it.” I was being compared to a piece of smooth plastic. Trust me, for better or worse, no part of me resembles a Ken doll.
I said none of these things to Jill. Instead I laughed in a moment of shock and just repeated the words: “A Ken doll.” How exactly does one respond to that?
Here’s the deal—I’m not going to concern myself with trying to find a sexual partner right now. There are too many issues occurring on our planet for me to be so concerned with this “first world problem.” I have faith that, if it is meant to be, someday I will meet the right woman. We will first fall in love with each other’s souls, then we’ll give each other our bodies. She’ll discover more than just a Ken doll down there, and we’ll put it to good use.
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Image courtesy of starpause kid/Flickr
Quite a refreshing article, especially considering most articles I’ve read on GMP of late. An article with a high view of sex for a change. Also good to see many comments coming in support of that view as well. Surprised actually. Thought readers would generally be more aligned with the opinions of the two girls mentioned in the article. I don’t believe the girls are ‘bad’ in any extreme way, as some commenters are encouraging the writer to ditch them as friends – they are part of a broader culture who holds a very low view of sex, intimacy and… Read more »
In a sexually obsessed world, I admire your stance. That is all. Forget these friends and their judgements. Live your life authentically 🙂
(Disclaimer: I “lost it” early, but have been living a largely incel existence since. So call me whatever you like, but “Peter” is preferred.) To most of us in this post-Sexual Revolution culture, celibacy in adults has become a very strong marker of immaturity – of social, and possibly emotional, dysfunction. This assumption has, in ±40 years, become foundational – mostly unspoken, and almost entirely unquestioned. There’s a corollary belief system that says as bad as it is for women, it says even worse things for men. A woman celibate is at least a woman, if probably an immature or… Read more »
Your friends have treated you as something less than a friend. Do they know this? While you certainly aren’t obligated to discuss your sexual choices with them, you may want to consider telling them that they’ve failed to respect and support you as you are. This last is of course not only one of the duties of friendship, but perhaps the definition of it. Perhaps you’ll be amused to find a 53-year-old gay man agreeing with you, but while sexuality is inarguably a very significant part of being human, sexual experience is far less so. There are many valid reasons… Read more »
Daniel Jones, will you marry me? lol
Daniel,
The world, and especially America, needs more men like you. Thank you for standing your ground! It will be worth the wait!!! Have you heard of the study Lust Free Living? My husband has been leading this at our church and it is a great study. There is a version for men (Man Up) and for women (Unveil). http://www.lustfreeliving.org/
I hope that encourages you in you journey to finding Mrs. Right!
Daniel, the conversation these ladies engaged in with you was so wrong on many levels. Although it wasn’t my first thought when I read the article, I have to wonder how it would have been perceived if you were a lone gal and two guys were questioning you? Funny that your article falls on the heel of another article about men struggling with intimacy. Perhaps your views, in the eyes of some women, would represent an inability to be intimate? Men, according to some women are supposed to act like XYZ to be intimate? NOT! That being said … good… Read more »
So… wait… do you or don’t you want your female friends to be thinking about your “down there” anatomy? Do you think about theirs? I doubt she really thought of you as sexless, more like how she thinks about her dad or brother. On some level you know it’s there and what goes on but you never think about it directly. Also, “If you are a male who has grown up in the last three decades in a country that has any amount of internet access, you have most likely seen porn” Like it’s just a natural occurrence, a force… Read more »
I think you’re right in what they were trying to express, but it was still a very insensitive way to express it.
Daniel, I’m a 28 year old virgin who is also happy with my chastity. I remember spending a lot of time just hanging out with my platonic women friends when I was in school. All that time I never realized that a lot of these girls were only friends because they hoped to get a relationship out of it. I just wanted to hang out. I’ve got to say I was quite the mama’s boy even up to third year of University. When I moved out of my parents’ I made new and stronger friendships with other men and those… Read more »
I completely agree with the first commenter that setting boundaries with friends is important and that your lifestyle is none of their business in the end. Their trivialising of your choices is indeed thoughtless and hurtful. But I think there’s a bigger issue to do with what forms of expression are currently popular in society. As a woman in my 30s (currently single) I have had similar experiences in my life where friends’ assumptions and need to enjoy intimate discussion has felt encroaching. Yes, over time, I have learned how to set those boundaries, and it does get easier. But… Read more »
Ditto, I am very uncomfortable with women who constantly want to talk about their/my sex lives, and it seems to be getting more common. The level of discourse in our culture has become very low and crude. I met a woman at a professional conference who told me about her sex toys. I’ve been out with young women from work who always start discussing their boyfriends’ penises and sexual techniques. Yuck. I’m a sex positive person but I don’t discuss my sex life with my friends, it just seems inappropriate to me.
Here’s what I find myself wondering: *why* haven’t you had sex yet? And it’s NONE of my business. NONE AT ALL. But I still want to know super, super bad. If it’s religion, I’d roll my eyes. I don’t consider that a valid reason for postponing sex. It’s valid for plenty of people, but not for me. I’m of the mind that no one should ever get married without having sex with their partner first. It’s one thing for a friend, especially one as close as these girls appear to be to you, I could sort of understand feeling pity… Read more »
‘If it’s religion, I’d roll my eyes. I don’t consider that a valid reason for postponing sex. It’s valid for plenty of people, but not for me.’ – You’ve just contradicted yourself there, by saying that being celibate as a religious choice is ‘valid for plenty of people’, having just said before that you don’t consider it valid at all. Prove that you do appreciate that it is valid for many others by omitting that eyeroll. You say ‘I’m not close with anyone for whom sex is not a part of their lives and something they can talk about openly.… Read more »
No no, I meant “regular people” as in people who don’t live, eat, and breathe sexuality/sexology/sex education (and BDSM, which is even more out-there). I spent a lot of time hanging out with Kinsey Institute researchers as an undergrad.
I have a hard time relating to people who are asexual/celibate/have a low sex drive, and haven’t yet parsed out when it’s a genuine incompatibility with my value system and when it just makes me uncomfortable. Work to be done.
Thanks for your input & thoughtful response.
Daniel, thank you for sharing this. It has so much self awareness , honesty and integrity. It also helps to reflect the way women can be indoctrinated to stereotypical ideals of masculinity and canonize their own objectification. Such as the idea of you being asexual because you don’t objectify women or enjoy porn. I’ve been part of the porn conversation for a long time and have a lot of issues regarding the stereotypical ideals that are set up about femininity. But your story sets up a really good conversation for the way we too often tie a man’s sexual identity… Read more »
I’ve had conversations similar to that before but not in public. Sorry that you had to go through that, in public, at the hands of close friends. To answer your subheadline: “Is a man who is a virgin not really a man?” I managed to be a man up until about my 30th birthday without having sex (but depending on how you define sex some would argue that I’ve still never had sex, especially when talking about “down there”). Yeah there is still a cultural idea that a man is defined by his sex life (or by how much he… Read more »
My pre-transition (perceived as male somewhat) period answers: How many times have I seen porn? None entirely, but I know what it basically entails, I’ve seen 5 seconds clips. Do I watch it regularly? Nope, never. Why don’t I like it? Doesn’t do anything for me. At all. Have I ever masturbated? I’ve tried to, but it wasn’t fruitful, so I decided it wasn’t worth even trying. I can’t cum. Have I watched it with other guys before? Is that a thing guys actually do? I’ve never done that, and I’d actively avoid situations where this could happen. I’d go… Read more »
Daniel, I’m sorry your friends are embarrassing you like this. I’m also sorry for this other guy who’s telling you you’re basically less of a man for not sticking up for yourself. That takes practice. Being born with testicles doesn’t mean you were born with the innate knowledge & skill set to effectively “shut people down” who are violating you. That is a learned skill. It’s not right for your friends to grill you in public (or private) when it makes you so uncomfortable. They are most likely acting from inexperience. You absolutely do not have to just sit &… Read more »
Correction:
*The first step to having the kind of sex you want, and avoiding the kind of sexual interactions you do not want, is being able to know & speak aloud your desires & boundaries.*
It’s actually classed as sexual harassment I think…Although that may rely on him saying he doesn’t like the conversation first if he hadn’t already. Boundaries exist for a reason, not everyone is comfortable with that level of intimate talk especially in a public setting.
As for what she said….being called a Ken doll would hurt me more than a punch in the face. Some people are clueless…
Sounds to me like you need some new ‘friends. Someone who’ll respect you and what you believe in.