The blokes at MensStylePower give some serious thought to an important question.
Us guys over MenStylePower are in serious mode today. We’re thinking deeply. We’re tossing out (temporarily) our fashion related style notes and delving into the male psyche. We’re putting aside fluff and pulling off the gloves. We’re toughening up and we’re asking the big question: What makes a man…a man?
It all started after a long chat at the pub the other day, with a bloke I consider in good stead – a hardworking, self respecting young man whose initial impression on others is of quiet understated-ness. However the gloves come off pretty quickly once you get him talking over a beer.
And talk he did. The topic on the table? Men.
What makes a man? Who is a man’s man? And why is it that males today are struggling with defining themselves?
“They’re struggling?” I hear you ask.
Yes. They are.
In conversations with men around the world we’re hearing as well as witnessing a cry for help.
Websites such as Psychology.com reports that we are experiencing a male identity crisis in Western Society, brought into sharp focus by the global economic downturn. First, we are seeing a significant shift in the nature of education and employment trends which will have a huge impact on male identities. Boys are seriously under-achieving in public schools in the U.S., Canada, the U.K. and Australia, according to several recent research studies. Men now comprise barely 40% of enrolled University and College students and graduates.
In a post-modern world lacking clear-cut borders and distinctions, it has been difficult to know what it means to be a man and even harder to feel good about being one. The many boundaries between men and women have been blurred, and men are groping in the dark for their identity. In Australia, around one in six men suffer from depression at any given time (Beyond Blue). In the States, depression reportedly affects about 6 million men each year (The Mayo Clinic).
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Overwhelmingly, the portrayal of men and male identity in contemporary western societies is mostly negative. Men today are extensively demonised, marginalised and objectified, in a way reminiscent of what happened to women. The issue of the male identity is of crucial importance because males are falling behind in school, committing more suicides and crimes, dying younger and being treated for conditions such as ADHD more than females. There has been a rise in divorce rates where in most cases, child custody is granted to mothers. Continuous negative portrayal of men in the media, along with the feminisation of men and loss of fatherhood in society, has caused confusion and frustration in younger generation males, as they do not have a specific role model.
Back in 2005, a study spanning the globe – 13 markets, 45 focus groups and 2,000 men, conducted by Leo Burnett Worldwide, found that men in most parts of the world are unsure of what’s expected of them in society, with half of those surveyed saying they felt their role in society was unclear.
Which means we shouldn’t be surprised that drug addiction, alcohol or substance abuse, pornography, violent or abusive behavior, inappropriate rage, escapism, risky behavior and suicide are on the rise amongst men. It would seem that an alarming number of men are finding themselves, in one word, LOST.
The evidence is found, especially in the ‘macho’ intense culture of Australia (where MenStylePower resides), in the pubs, the watering holes, the backyards and the beaches…where men go to drown their confusion.
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While gruff, tough, and hard yakka Aussie men may be the auteurs du jour in Hollywood (Russell Crowe, Sam Worthington, Hugh Jackman, Simon Baker, etc), the reality is that under that rough and tumble thick skin, many Australian men are floundering.
The so-called high priest of the Australian male confessional, Sam de Brito, has made a business out of giving away blokes’ deepest secrets. He pens men’s columns for Sydney and Melbourne newspapers, and runs a well-known blog called “All Men are Liars – Except Sam de Brito” and his book The Lost Boys, “takes the pulse of Aussie manhood”. In fact it does more than take a pulse. It is a fully invasive piece of investigatory surgery performed on all parts of the Australian male, most especially his ego. At the same time it stabs at woeful failings in the Australian culture to support the authentic male.
The idea behind de Brito’s work in general – including his nonfiction book No Tattoos Before You’re Thirty (2006) – is that the Australian male lives a life of duplicity…when he looks in the mirror, he never tells what he really sees.
Instead he delves into drugs, sex, driving at speed, cultural and racial attitudes, lying and cheating, loyalties and betrayals, laziness and masturbation.
In other words, he escapes becoming a man, because he does not know how to be one.
‘The Lost Boys’ is set in a Peter Pan land where boys never grow up. Bondi’s pub-defined Bermuda Triangle to be exact: “The Bergs, the Regis, the Rats. Three points on the map but blokes get lost in there for years.” Full of prawns, bread and beer, with chicks of all ages on heat at closing time, these boys never want to emerge. Feeling perfectly satisfied means they never see the need to take on adult responsibilities. Their lost-ness is their identity.
The Lost Boys is narrated by Ned Jelli, an ageing boy narrator binge drinking himself further into disillusionment. He’s a big drug user and alchoholic, a porn addict, a crook footballer, a moderately successful lover in his heyday, an OK surfer, a passable intellectual in his group and now he’s going to fat.
He is a 35 year old little boy lost.
Why?
Because no-one showed him the way.
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Back to my friend at the pub. Himself a quintessential Aussie male, I asked him why he seemed to, unlike many of his floundering-into-manhood mates a la Ned Jelli, had his act together, kept his cool and had a history of making solid and wise decisions (the aforementioned man has his own business, bought a house, investing into business ventures and is highly respected by his peers, all before the age of 35.)
He thought about it a little.
“My father.”
“My dad – my hero – set benchmarks for me. He straightened me out when I was wrong, he counseled me on my life choices, he told me what a man of integrity looked like and he set high yet achievable expectations on me on what it took to be a man – one who was a great friend to himself – independent, risk taking, adventurous; a loving, loyal husband to his wife; a provider for his children; a mate who stands for his friends, shares mutual respect and provides unconditional assistance to them, a man who takes the tough knocks in life on the chin and still keeps ticking.”
“He initiated me into manhood.”
And therein lies what we, at MenStylePower, believe is the problem with manhood today.
Apart from good fathers, no-one, especially in Western Culture, is telling young boys and developing men what it takes to be a man.
De Brito himself says that “When a culture ceases to provide specific initiatory pathways, the individual male psyche is left to initiate itself.” In other words, many males don’t know what to do with themselves in the movement from boyhood to adulthood.
The “apparent” initiation rituals – being legally able to drink in a pub, get pissed (drunk) royally, drive a car and have sex – simply capture the boy, and stall him to remain a boy. This is the sad, hugely important issue de Brito raises.
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What modern ‘initiation’ has forgotten to do, is to instil value into men, rouse within them adventure and wild abandon, yet inspire integrity and the power of choosing to do good and living a sacrificial life within them.
Unlike modern times, most ancient and tribal cultures (to this day) initiated their men into manhood, ensuring boys did not wander into adulthood confused about their identity.
The Maasai culture in Kenya initiated their young men by having them face their fears and overcome great adversity to kill a lion. Other African tribes like the Meru, gathered boys of similar age together (10-12 years old) in a group, circumcised them in icy river beds without pain relief, then sequestered them for 4 months at a time with the old, wise men of the village, to learn the mysterious business of becoming a man.
The truths these young men learnt were a large part of the initiatory rites that almost all men used to undergo in almost every culture in the world until recently.
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Lament not. Author Stephen Biddulph provides help to those of us living in the West, in his rebuilt handbook for blokes ‘Manhood’.
Biddulph’s definition of good man comes down to just two words. “Backbone and heart”
“Backbone is the ability to stand firm, endure, be true to his word and sometimes put himself last, especially under circumstances of great need or stress.”
“Heart – the ability to be counted on, possessing compassion.”
Biddulph then contrasts the failings of the ye olde world stoic fathers of the first half of last century, with the sensitive new age guys of recent decades and finds them both lacking – because they went too far towards either pole – too much backbone, too much heart.
Biddulph stresses the need for balance, and then for initiation. “Initiation centers on the most pressing spiritual task of any culture – making the young wise enough, soon enough, that they may join the tribe as superb and contributory human beings.”
He also reveals what he calls “five awakenings, five truths” that young men need to confront, grieve over, and eventually celebrate as ultimate liberation.
These five truths of manhood, are:
1. You are going to die.
2. Life is hard.
3. You are not that important.
4. Your life is not about you.
5. You are not in control of the outcome.
Note that these five truths are pretty much the exact opposite of what we tell our young men today.
“When we fail to accept these truths, we become a culture of perpetual childhood,” writes Biddulph.
There is hope for boys wanting to become men. Initiation cannot be done alone. In and of itself, it demands that you are surrounded by other men. So dude, if you’re struggling with what it means to be a man, find a man in your world that you respect and spend time with him. Initiation doesn’t always have to be stated, it can be absorbed via following a good example.
My pub friend gave the example of tradesmen on a building site who routinely give a ‘hard time’ to new apprentice builders. The teasing, jockeying around and pushing them to the limits/testing their endurance, is all about toughening up soft boys into solid men. It builds bonds of strength between men, ensuring they can count on each other and themselves if and when things get rough.
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The men you surround yourself with will either mean you grow into a man yourself, or conversely, retreat into ‘lost boy’ territory. Think deeper than just ‘wine, women and song’ and seek the narrow, yet rewarding journey of becoming a man of high regard … ‘a man for whom freedom, comradeship, a wide tolerance, and a strong sense of the innate worth of man, count for more than all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory in them.’
So what else did my pub friend have to say on what defines a man?
His brow furrowed, his eyes went to a far away place, then he leaned in, and so did I, eager to hear one more tasty morsel of deep male wisdom.
He took a deep breath, then announced with male certainty. “A man’s man … doesn’t wear scarfs.”
A-Men.
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Originally published at ManStylePower.com
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Photo credits: menstylepower.com, viucsr/flickr
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I don’t care about “being” a man.I care about being MYSELF.
This whole being a men thing is actually about being a STRAIGHT man.
Alas, society doesn’t heap its expectations on people based on their “personhood,” it heaps them based on their sex (not even their gender, really, which is internal.) All of your points are excellent, but the problems and issues facing men are related to their sex.
This whole effort to define what constitutes a “real” man is misguided insofar as it focuses on gender. A better question is, what makes a good (“real”) person, regardless of gender. Thousands of years of human ethical and spiritual practice have already been devoted to answering this question, so there is little to be added. The principles are clear. Follow the golden rule. Be present. Be compassionate. Don’t lie, cheat or steal. Be mindful of your mortality, and keep your ego in check accordingly. These principles apply with equal force regardless of gender.
AMEN!!!!
[i got fed up with it, so its draft form, so flow etc not correct] What is a man, my current thinking is that a man as defined by a western society is always tougher, more hardier than the equivalent woman of his social rank. I came to this by considering the charges of effeminacy in western history ive come across when reading about western clothing eg. Against varying richer eastern courts by the then poorer westerners, by the roundheads against the royalist cavaliers, by 18th century english men and french philosophers against the french monarch and aristocrats, by 18th… Read more »
Wow. This makes me shudder, and not with glee. Those “Five Truths of Manhood” are like something out of the Third Reich or _Starship Troopers_. Just a cog in the machine with no control over your fate, no individual existence, and then you die. Preferably for the good of the collective, I assume? Follow the leader, peace is war, freedom is slavery, the group is the individual, etc. Brilliant for getting the more gullible men to sign up to run towards the machine guns. Number 5 seems inconsistent with the idea of individual accountability and individual agency. You will have… Read more »
Yeah, it’s a little third-reichy-ish, if that’s a word. According to the author, men have been condemned to a bleak existence. It reminds me of a speech Stalin wrote. Wow.
What makes a man a man is a Y chromosome?
Seriously? This is a question? WTF is this the Dark Ages?
The question is what makes a man a good man. That’s the only question to bother with everything else is twaddle. The article gave a decent stab at it.
Jack…I like what you said about women not having to create a unique identity in comparison to unique masculine traits. Women have the option to revert back to staying home and walking away from the high powered positions….whereas a man is seen as maintaining the role of leader, provider and any deviation from that role a man is not portrayed as a man in modern day society.
I don’t know if you saw my response to your other post, but I touched on this some more. I think there are some deep seated reasons for the need to try and define a masculine role. One of the theories I was talking about is that women have and always will play a much more vital role in the creation of and initial nurturing of life. In the past men in contrast to this defined their own role as being the strong breadwinners of the family. Like you’ve said though, the glass ceiling is now being broken. Women are… Read more »
As a man, I’m tired of being under the microscope. I’m tired of the same people who have placed men in this situation, now surfacing and trying to “qualify” who men were and are. “These five truths of manhood, are: 1. You are going to die. 2. Life is hard. 3. You are not that important. 4. Your life is not about you. 5. You are not in control of the outcome. Note that these five truths are pretty much the exact opposite of what we tell our young men today.” You’re correct, this is not what we “tell” young… Read more »
Tom – that’s too funny. I feel like I’ve been under the microscope my whole life with women telling me to stop being feminine, act like a wymyn, or act more like a man or girls can’t bake cookies because I’m reinforcing stereotypes. I’m not surprised I stopped listening a long time ago. Have fun with this…it bites and it’s patronizing, but men need their time in spotlight. I’m hoping for positive change in the important matters: family, school, and work.
One of the problems I find with the question what makes a man a man and related ones is that it tries to take a subjective question and make it absolute. We did an exercise in class. Everyone was handed a slip of paper and asked to write 10 qualities they would associate with what was written on the paper. A third of the class got the perfect or ideal man. A third of the class got the perfect or ideal woman. A third of the class got the perfect or ideal person. A section of the board was dedicated… Read more »
Use determines definition. A useful man is protective of his family and productive in his business dealings. A man protects and provides.
What makes a man a man? This is strictly my opinion. Once the glass ceiling was broken and it allowed women to hold powerful positions and make six figure salaries the male ego was bruised. A woman as the superior to a man (what has this world come to). Men need to have a sense of power…you know the ‘me Tarzan you Jane’ kind of power. In many ways women are equal to men in the boardroom and in the home. I’m not good with statistics so I will leave that to the experts but the number of stay at… Read more »
Interesting. I know certain feminist writers have said the need for a uniquely masculine identity comes from men’s uneasiness about the far more vital role women play in bringing children into the world and nurturing them. “Girlwriteswhat” said something similar in one of her articles as well, that the female ability to give birth made them more inherently valuable to ancient societies whereas men had to prove themselves as the strong breadwinners. Now, in modern societies, women as you say are taking on all the roles that used to be uniquely male, leaving men without a sense of identity. Theres… Read more »
I’ve read articles on this kind of theory before. They called it male juju. The fact that women gave birth gave them a place in society because they brought about society. Men felt as though they were on the periphery while women were in the center. that’s why men were given special places in society to bring them to the center along with women. its an interesting theory and happens to tie in nicely with Pandora’s box, Men were given an inch and they took a mile, monopolized all resources and made all rules of society. It got out of… Read more »
More of a theory is a hypothesis, and it connects to female superiority, to day forwarded only by dominatrixes. A synthesis: women are superior and divine and one day, while drinking tea on their pink cloud, they decide suddenly (maybe because of boredom) they like to give some little power to men. But men are devils, and women are angels, right? let ‘s not forget that. So one night in a small dark room, lots of elderly smoking men (picture the smoking man from the X-Files) lead by Crowley from the tv show Supernatural in pure mafia and yakuza style,… Read more »
@Willow: Oh , yes, the modern meme appears always doesn’t it. We can’t discuss men at all, even on a mens site unless with analyze how it effects women. This is how I feel about the world right now , at least modern western world. A scientist could some up with a cure for ALL male diseases , 100% for sure and if he asked for government money to fund it, he would be rejected because it doesn’t help women. Look at the recent recession, where approx 80% of job losses were men, YET, the stimulus package contained large sums… Read more »
@Willow… How in the hell does this article “wreak(sic) of men’s rights” ? are men not allowed to discuss anything about their gender without taking a back seat to opinionated females and their idea of what a man “should” be? the whole article is about the journey to manhood that is missing from alot of young males lives, a journey which is critical to creating understanding compassionate men. Are you saying trying to improve our understanding of ourselves and what it means to be a man should be completely ignored? Because any attempt to understand and improve ourselves is automatically… Read more »
Leon,
I certainly did not mean to say that we shouldn’t talk about masculinity. (I also didn’t mean to use “wreak” instead of “reek”). All I meant was that the overall tone of the article seems to show men as victims only, and ignores the ways that (some) men benefit from hegemonic masculinity. I wish this article talked about how the harms that some men face are because of us devaluing feminine qualities.
Aha, I see your point now, I either missed it first time round (was pretty late when I typed my reply) or didn’t get what you were aiming at. Sorry if I seemed a bit agitated :S It’s a good point you make. But I think it’s a problem that can be dealt with, not by treating maleness and the search for masculinity as an inherently bad thing if left to itself, but by creating better men. I think society see’s the stereotypical alpha-male corporate types as the epitome or ideal of all men, and the hegemonic structure that those… Read more »
@ Willow This comment makes a lot more sense. Many people would still consider it derailing or what about the wimminz. Some would disagree on feminine qualities being devalued, but instead differently valued. Men are not discriminated against in family court because raising children is considered a feminine attribute and considered beneath men. They are discriminated against because it’s considered a feminine attribute and so women are thought to be superior to men when it comes to raising children. You don’t even have to look farther than feminist blogs to understand that. They complain about how women who display masculine… Read more »
I wish this article talked about how the harms that some men face are because of us devaluing feminine qualities.
There are more than plenty of places on the web where those types of conversations and posts are going on (check just about any feminist site under the sun in fact).
“What makes a man?” I recently had this conversation with a family member. I think men have always had a need to define a distinctly masculine identity, particularly in contrast to women. As the article says various cultures have had differing ways of defining manhood and how you are initiated into it. I’ve read various writers theorize on why this is, but whatever the reason, I think any attempt to specify what a man “should be” will be problematic. If we throw out things like “treating people with respect, taking responsibility for your actions, taking care of your kids, etc”,… Read more »
*Correction: I meant, synonymous not “synonyms”
You make a good point, but what about physiological differences and the effect it has on psychology? Testosterone for example. Although men and women share alot more in common than culture would have us believe, there are genuine differences between the genders that effect how we grow as people. If there weren’t we wouldn’t be having this discussion, hehe. I think a large part of the discussion about what it means to be male/female is simply individual people trying to understand their own bodies, and since we are social creatures, it’s kinda natural that people bond together with others similar… Read more »
I hear what your saying, but the article asks, “what makes a man a man?” and seems to imply that there are certain traits or values men should hold that are unique to them. I mean sure our biology is going to make men generally have similar experiences and effect how we grow, but are we saying that simply living through and understanding that makes you a man? If that was the case then simply making it into adulthood would mean “being a man” and I don’t think the article is saying that. I think the real reason we’re still… Read more »
@Jack…I like what you said about women not having to create a unique identity in comparison to unique masculine traits. Women have the option to revert back to staying home and walking away from the high powered positions….whereas a man is seen as maintaining the role of leader, provider and any deviation from that role a man is not portrayed as a man in modern day society.
Why do you think that reason is. this question has always bothered me. If I were asked what makes a man a man (which I probably wouldn’t be asked because I”m female) I would tell them a penis. Yes that is what makes a man a man. What makes a human an adult? a person of integrity? worthy or honorable? those would be traits that any person should strive for. I’ve never once thought or worried about what it means to be a woman. It just doesn’t make sense to me that there would even be anything specific that I… Read more »
-Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck Some nights I call it a draw Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle Some nights I wish they’d just fall off But I still wake up, I still see your ghost Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for oh What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights I don’t know anymore.. _fun. “Some Nights” It’s a fantastic illustration of how we as men aren’t even given the tools to be introspective before we’re bombarded by an endless line… Read more »
I think the real reason we’re still discussing this is because the roles once thought uniquely male are no longer so and we as men want to define uniquely masculine traits, but I don’t know that there are any. I don’t see women struggling to create a uniquely feminine identity nearly as much and I think theres a reason for that. Women dont have to, ‘traditional western (victoedwardian middle class) ‘femininity is still intact, ruthlessly enforced by them(as well as by men, but hetero men are trying to find woman partners). Woe betide you hetero men that enter ‘their turf’.… Read more »
@Willow—
So “Rights” is a zero sum game?
I’ve never gone to the bank to cash my paycheck and had the teller slip me an extra $50 for being white.
I have news for you 98% of the white men I know are trying to hang on to their jobs, make the rent and keep their wives & children happy while they wait to see if they die from an on the job accident, by heart attack or from prostrate cancer.
This article wreaks of “men’s rights” garbage. However, while men are not the oppressed in our patriarchal society, we do have a lot at stake in resisting male dominance. While the stats and quotes used in this article may be accurate, the overall tone sounds a little victimizing. That would have been different if the author had addressed male privilege and the leadership of women in the struggle against it.
So, just because an article addresses the challenges men face from a perspective you don’t approve of, it’s garbage? Really? Yes, how male privilege plays into these issues would be a worthwhile article on it own, but this isn’t that article and it isn’t any less worthwhile because it isn’t. Everyone sees the world from a different angle, and everyone has their own sets of struggles and challenges to deal with. While the magnitude of those challenges may vary considerably, that doesn’t make anyone’s issues any less real. The one thing we should ask from people telling their story is… Read more »
Yup, in an article defining what makes a man, the most important thing to focus on is how they can help women achieve their goals. In case you missed it, I’m being sarcastic.
This article wreaks of “men’s rights” garbage?
“This article wreaks of “men’s rights”
Garbage? men have right’s to…you know?
Men are oppressed as men in our society, by our society (its not men oppress women, its everyone oppress everyone else). Marxism doesn’t apply. Men are no more the 1% than women are.
Then read something else, Willow. If there’s nothing here for you to learn, and you don’t have the first clue how to behave courteously, then check out a women-centred website. And you can be sure that men on that site will not be granted the same platform to complain as you have been very kindly granted by the editors of The Good Men Project here.
(Moderated for personal attack)
If you want to read an article about “male privilege,” migrate over to Jezebel.
This is purportedly a pro-male website. Being pro-male doesn’t involve haranguing men over “male privilege,” at least in my book.
This article wreaks of “men’s rights” garbage. I take it you meant that as a jab at the MRA crowd. I’m gonna need you to be more specific than just throwing up some quote marks. There’s reasonable MRAs and there are unreasonable ones. If we have to specify which feminists we are talking about when we are critical then at lest pay us the same consideration. However, while men are not the oppressed in our patriarchal society, we do have a lot at stake in resisting male dominance. I find it interesting that whenever someone starts talking about helping men… Read more »
Beautifully put, Danny.
Michael – I second that. Well put Danny. And I’ll further that by saying, women do not show much gratitude to men for helping women rise. We couldn’t have done it without men.
So, I thank the men who have helped me…they bring honor upon themselves.