Even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. Here are the ingredients of a lasting, fruitful partnership, and techniques for weathering the stormy periods.
Joy, passion, great sex: when a couple heads into marriage, this is what they have in mind. Of course they want their relationship to last—but without losing a shred of that initial high from when they first met, began courting, and fell in love. But people change. Relationships change. Some couples’ bonds deepen and relationships flourish over time; other partnerships don’t fare as well. When our relationships lose intimacy—as many of us fear they will—is the love lost forever or just temporarily misplaced?
As a marriage and family therapist in practice for 40 years (and married for nearly 35), one thing I’ve learned is that even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. I help people understand how to weatherproof their relationships for the long run.
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Research shows that modern couples are looking for a partnership that’s “interesting.” They want partners who enhance their 
lives and with whom they can grow over time. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. at Monmouth University in New Jersey talks about “self-expansion”: how people learn about themselves from their relationships. His research demonstrates that as self-expansion increases, so do commitment and relationship satisfaction. In expansive partnerships, he argues, couples don’t lose themselves in the marriage—they grow in it. Behaviors and character traits that had previously not been a part of their identity become essential to how they experience life.
UCLA’s Family Studies Center researched 1,500 couples who had been together for five or more years and who acknowledged having a strong, close, deeply committed bond. The couples revealed six common characteristics:
- There was a physical attraction between them.
- They were in the relationship out of clear choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.
- They shared fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals.
- They were able to express anger clearly and directly and they resolved differences through communication and compromise.
- They experienced laughter, fun, pleasure, and play with each other.
- They were able to express support for each other and support each other’s activities, interests, and careers.
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In relationships with potential for durable longevity, each individual is willing to make the relationship a priority, giving it time, energy, and sustenance. As couples age together, the traits inherent in true friendship and close companionship take on greater significance. The partners constantly re-choose each other and feed positive energy to the relationship. They have each other’s back. They look out for each other.
In healthy relationships, both partners feel appreciated. He knows she respects and admires him; she feels nurtured and desired by him. Men tell me that their partner’s sweetness helps them to keep their hearts open. Women tell me that a man’s self-confidence is sexy. Conversely, men fear and resent it when their partners lose the sweetness and become brittle, bitter, and “bitchy.” Women fear and resent it when their partners become disengaged and either passive or controlling.
For a woman to remain vulnerable and open to her partner, and to exude that attractive energy so that a man stays turned on, she needs to feel secure and special. If she gets any messages that she’s not the number-one person in his life, she will start to close up, and then after a while the mutual attraction will wane. Understanding is the bridge to compassion, and compassion can be the spark that reignites the passion.
For a man to remain available to his partner and to emit that attractive energy so that she stays turned on, he needs to feel honored. A man’s sense of self is to a large degree determined by his feeling productive and useful. A man’s character counts tremendously. Integrity is central to his feeling like the good man his partner needs and deserves.
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Generally speaking, the truth works—so tell it as currently, clearly, completely, and compassionately as possible.
Many marriages end in divorce because one or both partners can no longer communicate honestly. When there are too many withheld feelings and thoughts, the life of the relationship gets snuffed out. The personal safety that one feels in the presence of the other is key to promoting open and vulnerable communication. True intimacy is determined by the degree to which partners can communicate safely and vulnerably.
Candid communication can be very invigorating, leading to mutual respect and appreciation, rekindled passion, and dynamic sex. His communication might be: “Honey, I know we’ve both been working long hours and have been quite tired lately. I want you to know how much the kids and I appreciate all your efforts on our behalf. I also want you to know that I’m missing the intimate time that we used to have just for us. I’d like to find a way to put it back into our relationship.” Her response might be: “Do you think we can come home for lunch one day during the week?” And then, “How about a ‘nooner’ this Friday?”
Loving communication creates arousal, passion, and intimacy. Maintaining a sense of humor can go a long way toward easing tension and smoothing ruffled edges. Remember the importance of courting each other throughout the full length of the relationship. Avoid taking each other for granted. Recall how it felt when you were first discovering each other and were falling deeply and madly in love—it’s possible to fall all over again.
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Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT, has a psychotherapy practice in Beverly Hills and Woodland Hills, California and is the Founder and Director of The Men’s Center of Los Angeles (since 1988). He is completing a book titled: Man Up! What it takes to be a Good Man Today.
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More From Our Special Marriage Section:
When Tom Forrister transitioned from female to male, his same-sex marriage became a federally-recognized, “traditional” marriage. The one constant was the bond he shared with his wife: My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
Guys may think leaving is the right thing to do for the sake of the family, but according to family lawyer David Pisarra, there are a few things they should know before—and after—they walk out that door: A Guy’s Divorce Survival Guide
The nightmare of family court is enough to deter a guy from even thinking about tying the knot. Marriage: Just Don’t
For all the stories written by and for women on this issue—and there are few—men are more likely to be absent from the public dialogue about intentional childlessness. Why aren’t men’s stories also being heard? Two Is Enough
If you’re married and using Internet porn regularly, your sex life—the one with your wife—is probably a lot less satisfying than it could be: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Men are more promiscuous than women, but that doesn’t mean we should buy the cultural fallacy that men are programmed to cheat; the vast majority of men are happily, naturally monogamous: Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
As Gabi Coatsworth’s son’s bipolar disorder gave way to full-blown manic episodes, she watched her husband slip deeper into drink and detachment: Reading Between the Silences
Tom Matlack talks to married men to find out when they knew their wife was “the one”: She’s the One
Monogamy sounds like “monotony,” but it doesn’t have to be monotonous. Hugo Schwyzer explores how we can have the security—and the novelty—we desire in our relationships: Red-Hot Monogamy
—Photo by Lynch/Flickr
About the Editors
I first met Dr. Johnson in a somewhat adversarial situation. His understanding of the dynamics of relationships quickly ameliorated all y concerns and allowed me to speak openly and honestly. Now, in this article, he once again quite clearly sets out an approach that has proven to be enormously helpful to me in my relationship with my wife.
Philip, you’re another man that has found the keys to the kingdom. Your relationship with Claudia is exemplary and models the key ingredients listed above. I’ve had first hand experience of your relationship and it is evident that the love that the two of you exude is not only inspirational but invigorates all that come in contact with you. Happy Valentines Day.
This is an exceptional and insightful article. So many truths in just a few paragraphs. I could reread this several times and continue to glean the wisdom. Thank you for sharing a mans perspective about relationship and marriage. Your expertise shows. This article is clear, concise and very helpful!
Thank you! Andrea
I loved the article and wished that I had lived the relationship that you described. I do agree on communication and honesty being so important between a couple. It is a little late for me but I hope to take the wisdom of your words with me if I am ever lucky enough to have a lasting relationship again.
Well done Dr. J.
Annette
I much enjoyed Dr. Stephen Johnson’s article on what makes a good marriage over time. I’ve been married 26 years – but both of us had track records going in that didn’t look promising. It was my 3rd marriage; my husband’s 4th! But what can I say — something about this one has worked. Probably we were both just tired. Or we’d finally matured. One thing that works for us is that we’re both really busy doing things we like, so we don’t look to each other for entertainment. My husband once said to me that I’m the only wife he ever had who left him alone! I took that as a great compliment. We both love to be left alone and we spend evenings in different rooms, but we like knowing that the other is right down the hall. There are a bunch of qualities I like a lot. One is that my husband has no “agenda.” He just says what he wants and what he thinks. And even though we disagree on a bunch of stuff (we spent our first date in a political debate), none of that matters because we agree on “us.” I also like his good manners – holding doors open, saying kind things to people. If more men only “got” it that chivalry is sexy! And one more thing: He says kind things to the cat. How could this marriage NOT work?
Sylvia, a man once told me that he reminds his wife that he loves her and then politely asks to be left alone. There is a poem by Rilke titled Across a Wide Sky in which the main theme is central to the importance for partners in relationship to be champions of each others need for solitude. I have come to the belief that the right amount and use of space can be the antidote for distance. The Asian art culture understands the intricate balance between form and nothingness. Scott Peck in his book A Different Drum recognized that the health of a relationship could be evidenced by how comfortable people are with themselves in the presence of the other during sustained periods of silence. And, yes, the Knights of the Round Table understood that manners, social graces, customs and rituals in the form of chivalrous behavior separated men by virtue of their esteem-able actions. I appreciate your comment.
Dr Johnson, I find this especially true.
We are planning our wedding after 7 and a half years together (we are slightly laid back when it comes to milestones, some might say) and both of us came from families that were incredibly combative and toxic when growing up (though at least with my parents, the relationship is now far better). We were lucky enough to be each other’s first ever relationship on any level, merely out of statistical luck, and every year things get easier and more pleasant. To wit, the following things have helped when both people are actively engaged:
1. If you don’t express displeasure with an idea or proposal, you have to suck it up. You have a right to an opinion, but if you don’t have the courage to air it, then that’s your problem, and you can’t expect the other party to be clairvoyant.
2. Take things at face value, or you will forever be sucked into a quagmire of trying to guess hidden meanings.
3. It takes, on average, 30 seconds to get over the things that people most likely argue about. It is seriously inconsequential if they stack the dishwasher the way you don’t like.
4. Aim for 10 compliments to every 1 criticism.
5. As you mention, champion each other’s solitude. It is far and away the best thing to keep people together and happy.
There’s a lot of innate wisdom expressed in these suggestions. It has been said that a word to the wise is sufficient. Thank you for this offering.
Thank you Dr. Johnson for putting in words what I’ve been fortunate enough to enjoy during my 17 year second marriage. At 63 years old I’m enjoying the most satisfying intimate period of my life, and my wife at 55 years old feels the same. Having raised a blended family, my wife and I never had the honeymoon time together until we became empty-nesters. We are now making up for lost time. We respect each others’ time alone, don’t take each other for granted and encourage each other. Our intimacy is frosting-on-the-cake. One thing I might pass on that has been wonderful for our relationship is that nine years ago we started going together to a trainer at a gym. We work out together twice a week, with our primary motivation to stay in shape to remain attractive to each other.
Thank you Paul for posting this comment. Paul Bowen, considered to be the Dean of Aviation Photography, has been a lifelong friend, actually a true brother, since we were both 9 years old. I can attest to the accuracy of his comments regarding his marriage and wish to underscore the significance of his remark concerning how he and his wife work out at the gym together and have vowed to stay healthy and attractive for each other. The benefits that come from partners exercising their physical bodies can also strengthen the emotional connectivity within the relationship bond. Paul and Gail are great examples of how to maintain a vital partnership.
Many relationships get into this power struggle of who does more and who has the last word. The most important thing in any relationship is for both sexes to feel loved and appreciated in a way that is natural and instinctive for them.
Man has two basic instincts. One is to provide and the other is to protect. Men are basically hunters and in more primitive times used to go out and kill an animal and bring it home for his family. We do not need to do this any longer but we do need to make the money so that food and other essential items are procured.
To protect is to protect his loved ones and others who cannot protect themselves. Protection can be as simple as crossing the street with your loved one with the man on the side of oncoming traffic or walking on the street side of the woman.
Allow a man to exhibit these in a relationship and you will have a happy man and a fulfilled women.
What a load of crap. First of all, you are totally minimizing the role of a growing number of men who contribute to their families by staying home while the woman works, and yet are no less manly or appreciatd by their wives. Second, please spare me from that chivalry crap, which costs you very little to do and gives no real benefit, protective or otherwise. Not to knock a nice gesture and all, but I’m getting pretty sick of men thinking that women should fall down on our knees in gratitude (and be happy, dammit!) simply because of chivalry. Most women are actually happier and more fulfilled when their partners contribute in meaningful ways (for example, helping equitably with household chores) and are sincerely and actively engaged in the relationship.
So much of this smacks of misogyny it’s not even funny.
“He knows she respects and admires him; she feels nurtured and desired by him.” Women don’t need to be respected, just taken care of? And we need to look up to our men?
“Men tell me that their partner’s sweetness helps them to keep their hearts open.” So if my husband stops loving me it’s because I wasn’t sweet enough?!
And my absolute favourite: “For a woman to remain vulnerable and open to her partner, and to exude that attractive energy so that a man stays turned on…” So in order to keep my guy interested, I need to be ‘vulnerable’. If that isn’t a recipe for rape culture, I honestly don’t know what is.
Point is, by making stereotypical gender roles and presumably gender-prescribed traits the recipe for a good marriage, you make it impossible for anyone who doesn’t fit the patriarchal mold to succeed. And that’s most of us.
Krissy,
I guess we all read and “hear” what we want to hear. My reaction (as a male) is so different than yours. I thought Mr Johnson placed the responsibility for the health of the relationship on BOTH partners. If my partner loses that “sweetness” , perhaps it’s because I’m “…disengaged, passive or controlling…” As for vulnerability – that also works both ways. Unless I am willing to open myself completely to my spouse with all my attendant strengths, weaknesses, thoughts and feelings there will be no depth to my relationship. How, in your mind, is this a prelude to rape? I would venture that if you’re not willing to open yourself up in this manner, then you’re not ready for a deep lasting relationship with a partner of either sex.
Vulnerable: capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon; (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend
The author not only specifies vulnerability as a singly female trait or position, he also asserts that it is a requirement for her husband’s attraction to her. Meanwhile the man does not, according to this article, need to go so far as to be vulnerable, he only needs to be ‘available’.
The wording of that entire section is rooted in misogyny. The author uses the following words to describe the male partner: respected, admired, self-confident, honored. Conversely, the woman’s part, in addition to being ‘vulnerable’, is described thus: nurtured, desired, open, sweet, special. If you honestly don’t see the difference between these two sets of words; how one set conveys power and authority while the other infantilizes and sexualizes; then I’ll have to agree with you that we do indeed read and hear what we want to.
We live in a society that simultaneously sees women as powerless and encourages them to abdicate whatever power they do have. When this is the norm – so normal that people like yourself totally glaze over it – it becomes easier to trivialize the victimization of women, or even blame them for their victimization. That is rape culture. Printing an article that suggests this inequity is “What Your Marriage Needs to Survive” institutionalizes rape culture into one of our most fundamental societal units.
Although i dont know if this article is misogynist or not, as a yong guy i dont want to be only the admired and respected husband, i also want to be the sweet husband and i want my wife desire me. I also want to respect my wife. In my opinion respect and desire should go to both. It must be sucks being a respected husband but her wife doesn’t desire him, and its must be suck being a desiring wife but her husband doesnt respect her.
KrissyFair wrote: So much of this smacks of misogyny it’s not even funny. “He knows she respects and admires him; she feels nurtured and desired by him.” Women don’t need to be respected, just taken care of?
Women and men need to be respected AND taken care of, but the differences in our genders give one more priority than the other. Of course those levels can vary on an individual basis.
KrissyFair wrote: And we need to look up to our men?
I would define that as ‘security.’
KrissyFair wrote: “Men tell me that their partner’s sweetness helps them to keep their hearts open.” So if my husband stops loving me it’s because I wasn’t sweet enough?!
That sounds like a basic ’cause & effect’ issue. if I feel ABC around you because you radiate XYZ attitude/feelings, then ABC will fade away if you stopped radiating XYZ when you’re around me. That doesn’t seem unreasonable.
KrissyFair wrote:And my absolute favourite: “For a woman to remain vulnerable and open to her partner, and to exude that attractive energy so that a man stays turned on…” So in order to keep my guy interested, I need to be ‘vulnerable’. If that isn’t a recipe for rape culture, I honestly don’t know what is.
This is ‘vulnerability’ as used in relationships, not in battle/war. Emotionally vulnerable by sharing things you would not share with strangers.
KrissyFair wrote: Point is, by making stereotypical gender roles and presumably gender-prescribed traits the recipe for a good marriage, you make it impossible for anyone who doesn’t fit the patriarchal mold to succeed. And that’s most of us.
I don’t think it’s most of us. I think we are being trained to deny certain things are real/true because of the transitional state society is in now as the tradition of thousands of years of treating women like crap as the norm are being changed. But there are clear differences in what males and females value and lean towards in general as valuable. The trick to healing is not to swing the pendulum from one extreme to the other, but to value both.
KrissyFair wrote: Vulnerable: capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon; (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend
The author not only specifies vulnerability as a singly female trait or position, he also asserts that it is a requirement for her husband’s attraction to her. Meanwhile the man does not, according to this article, need to go so far as to be vulnerable, he only needs to be ‘available’.
From reading the article I felt that both males & females need to be vulnerable, but the female of the species is more likely to hold it as a valuable need in a relationship. I wouldn’t consider the word ‘vulnerable’ to be negative as long as it it understood to mean specifically ‘relationship/emotional vulnerability’ which relationships fundamentally need in order to function successfully.
KrissyFair wrote: The wording of that entire section is rooted in misogyny. The author uses the following words to describe the male partner: respected, admired, self-confident, honored. Conversely, the woman’s part, in addition to being ‘vulnerable’, is described thus: nurtured, desired, open, sweet, special. If you honestly don’t see the difference between these two sets of words; how one set conveys power and authority while the other infantilizes and sexualizes; then I’ll have to agree with you that we do indeed read and hear what we want to.
I think both genders need all of the concepts all of the words convey, but that in general each gender places more value on certain sets of them to feel emotionally healthy.
KrissyFair wrote: We live in a society that simultaneously sees women as powerless and encourages them to abdicate whatever power they do have.
I think attacking the traditional terminology that makes you feel that way is a legitimate part of the healing during this societal transition, but I think it more important to dialogue about the concepts themselves. Linguistic arguments come across to me as more of a side track from the meat of the discussion.
#6 is so important…Thank you for writing this!