Who you have in your life affects what you do. Here are some keys to maintaining good relationships.
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Think about this for a moment–All relationships are not important. If all relationships are important, no relationship will be important.
Leaders who genuinely care for people, consistently live out vision, and selflessly help others reach their full potential know when the relationship trumps everything else.
And it’s certainly not an exercise in convenience.
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And developing and maintaining key relationships is a critical discipline if you are going to genuinely care for people, live out a vision, and help others achieve their full potential.
Relationship development (especially with those closest to you) is not something you can simply check off of the to-do list. And it’s certainly not an exercise in convenience. Effective leaders genuinely value key relationships and make them a top priority.
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My wife and I have a standing lunch date every Friday. Our lunch dates have become a time for us to hit the pause button on the rest of the world and catch up with each other.
Last week we decided to eat a quick lunch and run a couple of errands during our time together. From my perspective, this plan would require an abbreviated lunch to allow time for our errands.
So we selected a restaurant, and I asked her if she’d like for me to call ahead with our order so it would be ready when we arrived. Good plan, huh?
If you said yes, Sarah didn’t agree with us. She responded, “If you’re going to call ahead we might as well just go through a drive-thru.”
Since I sincerely had her in mind when I suggested streamlining the process, I asked her why it mattered if I called ahead.
She reminded me that our Friday lunch dates are less about eating–and all about the relationship.
(So we went through the Chick-fil-A drive-thru–just kidding.)
It took me several seconds to slow my thought process and enter the moment with her. She is important to me–my most treasured relationship in the world. So why would I want to rush this one afternoon that we set aside to enjoy our time together?
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Important relationships will not grow when we’re in a hurry. In fact, these relationships will become strained and fall apart if we approach them without intention. There are no shortcuts in relationships.
So leave the phone in the car. Forget about email, Facebook, and Twitter. It’ll be there when you get back.
Listen. Laugh. Love. Jim Elliot once said, “Wherever you are, be all there.”
We chose a table out on the porch of one of our favorite cafes in Dallas. Sitting there in the cool breeze, we laughed about our differing perspectives. And while we talked, I scribbled down these thoughts on the back of my receipt. (I know–I was supposed to be in the moment with Sarah.)
It didn’t matter that our order took extraordinarily long to make it to the table. Or that this restaurant cost a few more dollars than the drive-thru alternative–it was worth it! Because I value her and I value our relationship.
Effective leaders value key relationships and make them a top priority.
A couple of years ago, I transitioned to a new role in Dallas and our family moved (drove) halfway across the country. When we made the decision to move, we knew (I knew) that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to travel back to Washington, D.C. a few weeks later for my youngest sister’s wedding.
Now, about 15% of the people who just read that last paragraph are thinking, “That makes sense.” (I’m one of those people.)
Everyone else in the world is thinking. “What an idiot! Unless you are on your deathbed, you’d better be at that wedding!”
My decision came down to dollars-and-cents, the best use of time, and the well-being of our newborn.
But I wanted another perspective. So I asked my wife, Sarah. “If she was your sister, what would you do?”
Her response was gracious and supportive, yet definitive, “I would be there–no matter what.” Then she added, “Because the relationship is more important to me than money or time.”
So guess what we did. We flew back to DC for the wedding.
Now don’t misunderstand–I’m not saying that ALL people (or all relationships) trump everything else. The truth is all relationships are not important.
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Some people are negative. Some people are lazy. Some people are content with mediocrity. And if you are going to live with passion and lead with purpose, you’ll need to spend as little time as possible with those people.
They’ll keep you up at night when you’re exhausted.
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I decided a long time ago that I am not going to spend time with negative people. So while some relationships should be a high priority, many should not.
Prioritizing relationships will cost you. They’ll require time when it’s inconvenient. They’ll require more money when there’s not much. They’ll keep you up at night when you’re exhausted.
In fact, flying back to DC for the weekend was expensive. And, it was worth it! Because the few relationships that we value most–family, friends, trusted colleagues–are those which bring the greatest fulfillment in life.
So create more perfect moments with those who are most important when time stands still and, at that moment, they realize that they are the most important person in the world.
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Portions of this article were originally published on Michael Nichols Blog – Live and Lead with Purpose.
Photo: Flickr/ Garry Wilmore
Hey Michael, Great article! It’s great to see someone else who has been through what I am going through right now and can eloquently talk about the subject. Lately, now that I have just started gaining traction in my professional life, I have been feeling the weight of my relationships. Figuring which ones are positive, which ones could be positive but need work, and then building up the will to work on them — it has been a challenge. A scary one. Some relationships we hold for a long portion of our lives and making a decision on them can… Read more »