Tom Matlack responds to comments on a recent story about the Good Men Project Magazine that appeared in the Boston Globe.
Squeezed between the headlines, “Job Market Appears to Lose Steam” and “HP’s Chief Steps Down After Harassment Probe,” the Boston Globe ran a story about our fledgling enterprise titled, “A New Read on Masculinity” on the cover of its business section a few days ago.
Good Men Project Magazine Publisher Lisa Hickey, Editor Benoit Denizet-Lewis, and I stood proudly on the roof of our office building—like an unlikely rock band posing for an album cover—with the Boston skyline in the background.
(For some reason I’m holding a chair in the photo—after seeing it, several of my college friends emailed to remind me that I am not allowed to have furniture in high places, since being dubbed “The Couch” in college. If you must know why, please get our book (free with premium membership) and read my essay, “Crash & Learn.”)
Neither the photo, nor the article, was the least bit controversial—but you wouldn’t know it by reading the comments. (By the way, the article gets one thing wrong. We do write about sports and sex—we just do it differently than other men’s magazines.)
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The comments started out stupid, but innocuous: “Sex and sports will always be more interesting than ‘when do I start calling myself a man?’ essays. Oh, and by the way…if you wrote that piece, the answer is: not yet.”
Another commenter wrote: “A story about a normal man playing in a gay men’s softball league? Puleeze!”
Okay—standard homophobic, idiotic comment.
But then they began to piss me off. “I think the editor’s name in the picture says it all: Benoit Denizet-Lewis,” wrote another. “This is the de-masculinization of the American man. 20 Yeas [sic] ago his name would have been Ben Lewis. I would entitle [sic] the magazine, Men Who Act and Think Like Women. Men are supposed to ignore and repress their feelings…be strong, tough it out, brush it off, and go have a beer. We express emotion through sports. What’s going to happen when all these kids with hyphenated names start marrying?”
What small-minded Neanderthals would come up with that? Really—is it some kind of joke? (For the record, twenty years ago, Benoit’s name was Benoit Denizet-Lewis.)
We publish everything from far right- to far left-wing men’s stories about what it means to be a man in modern America—and that is the response?
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And the inanity just kept coming…
“The Good Men Project is the wrong name. The Sensitive Metrosexual Project is more like it. How about, The Sensitve Whimpy [sic] Guy Project. Don’t try and redefine our gender, we’re quite happy with it as it was.”
And much, much more:
“Don’t need a psychiatrist, I can solve my own problems. That’s what men used to do before they became helpless, insufferable puddles like yourself. Go have a good cry, you’ll feel better.”
“I don’t get the photos. Are they the result of a photographer trying to be creative or possibly visual documentation of a far more nefarious polyamorous incident that occurred minutes earlier?”
“I thought the Promise Keepers cornered this market back in the ‘90s? They filled a stadium or two with men all proclaiming their ‘masculinity.’ It was the gayest thing I have ever seen.”
“When I need advice on masculinity from two metrosexuals who don’t know enough to tuck in their shirts they’ll be the first to know. I wouldn’t hold my breath. I get so tired of hearing this ‘men need to express their feelings’ crap. 90% of it is an excuse for whining. My father grew up in the Depression, went to WWII, and was pretty much the model of the regular guy. We’ve never had a problem expressing thoughts, feelings, or love as he approaches the end of his life. It doesn’t have to be a drama coached by some woman’s vision of what is the way we should express ourselves. Didn’t this crap die with Robert Bly?”
“Why do these wimps need their own magazine? Just send them subscriptions to Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day and Family Circle magazines…along with Cosmopolitan!”
“To quote John Hannah, they should put him in a skirt! These guys need to grow a pair.”
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I’m not going to bother breaking down all this nonsense (a tucked shirt is a prerequisite for manliness?); the good thing about mindless online comments is they tend to bring out some thoughtful readers who see them for what they are. While the majority of the comments on this fluff piece about a men’s magazine hoping to do more than sell suits and cologne were of the variety above, two of my favorite comments put things in perspective.
A reader with the handle “Da-Caveman” wrote to reassure me, “As a caveman…my first instinct is to be negative and scoff at men exploring areas that are uncomfortable to us cavemen. When my wife buys me a new shirt…I immediately do not like it…it makes me uncomfortable…When I hear new music…I generally do not like it…it takes time for cavemen to become comfortable with new things. The thunder you hear in the distance is the sound of all the educated, hardworking women that can make a living just as easy as us cavemen. The world is a changing…but we still have football. Keep up the good work, Tom, and keep dragging us out of our caves.”
And another contributed a tragic thought, adding a horrific personal experience and sarcastically equating it to the mindset of all the commenters that had gone before: “Growing up, my father would beat up my mother regularly. When the cops where called they would say, ‘Just keep it down and at home’ and then they would leave. Oh for those good ole days when a man was a man and a woman knew her place. Sigh!”
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I would like to think that the negative comments were all written by the same miserable person, but they weren’t. There were forty-seven comments by more than thirty readers, most of whom participated in the onslaught of negativity.
Several of our contributors responded, but new readers jumped in to talk about “growing a pair,” hyphenated names, and metrosexuals. Globe business reporter Johnny Diaz innocuously described our magazine and our mission in the most general terms, yet more than three quarters of the comments were harshly negative.
From the very beginning, I said that ten percent of men will “get” the Good Men Project right away, ten percent will never get it, and eighty percent will need convincing. The trolls on Boston.com, obviously, are among the ten percent who never will. But this magazine is for the other ninety percent. They don’t come in particular sizes or shapes, ethnicities or political parties, sexual orientation or home states.
They are men like me and Benoit—the men I’ve met who fought in the war in Iraq or did hard time in Sing Sing. They’re Hall of Fame athletes and homeless, teenage fathers, unemployed guys and investment bankers, stay-at-home dads and those suffering through the loss of a child.
They’re men who just got married and guys who just got divorced. They’re men who are struggling to be good—men who want to be better fathers, sons, and husbands.
They’re men who don’t equate strength and toughness with ignorance and repression. They’re men who would prefer not to go through life as miserable jerks—and from what I’ve seen, they’re everywhere. Well, almost everywhere.
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In September, 2009, Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? It’s free with a premium membership.
Well, they’re horrible comments and I’m proud to be a wimp but I don’t like it when anybody tries to define what it is to be a man.
To me, those comments are just as offensive as the constant stereotyping of violent men and victim women (ie. Jacksaon Katz)
Amen, Chief…
Especially when those doing the defining seem to betray going through life using “redneck math”, which is limited to the following numerical places:
“one, two, three, many, and ass-load“
The split-second the word ‘[i]metrosexual[/i] is used, the TV game-show device know as the ‘wrong-answer buzzer’ goes off in my head for the entire comment containing that word.
…well, so much for THAT italics technique working……
You are really shocked that the world is overflowing with d-bags who have nothing to add but homophobia, misogyny, and racism?
I guess this was a reality check. That covers a lot of male population. I could’ve saved you the grief and told ya sooner.
They do have a point; a lot of the GMP articles seem to be how feminists and women want to define good men, rather than men talking about what it is to be men, good or otherwise. There are some articles that stand out but the majority read like a man’s version of Cosmo. I do, however, hope this will improve. My faith is not yet entirely exhausted.
There is a men’s movement happening – but it isn’t happening on GMP. How many times has this site declared that something is a “men’s issue” – but it always an article about something that is actually a women’s issue. Like the article about how DV is a men’s issue – but failed to talk at all about the actual men’s issues: false allegations, male DV victims, and the shaming and silencing of men who report DV. Articles like that destroy your credibility. Today another article about abortion being a men’s issue – that completely ignores the issue of how… Read more »
Hey, Tom, this is David Shackleton, editor and publisher for 14 years of Everyman: A Men’s Journal. I really understand how difficult it is to hold clear space for men’s growth and change – on one hand, you don’t want to shame men for where they are – on the other hand, you see a powerful vision of how they could be different. On the one hand, you are sensitive and compassionate, or you wouldn’t be in this work – on the other hand, you need a thick skin to deal with the comments from the stuck and insensitive. In… Read more »
They are coming: http://www.scribd.com/doc/35268664/Men-s-Militant-Congress
I agree whole-heartedly with Joe, but I’d put it less charitably than he did. The comments section of the Globe is a sty. You know the adage: when you wrestle with pigs, you both get covered in mud — and the pigs love it.
You’re doing important work. Get back to it.
You folks are doing something praiseworthy: inspiring good-hearted men to think, share, ponder, dream and emote! Your site has quickly become one of my favs and is a nice respite from the usual ‘rockhard abs in three weeks’ articles of most men’s magazines. As for your “metrosexual-hating” critics, well isn’t obvious from their own words that they suffer enough in life, so there is no need to criticize them.
Looking forward to more of your good men (and women) writing about men who are doing their best.
Aah, the joys of anonymity. Perhaps we should refer these commentators, shining examples methinks of why this project is so important – good fathers (or other role models) make good men – to drop by and visit Newman McKay, who contributed to this project, or any of the numerous readers who daily go ‘outside the wire’ in Iraq or Afghanistan, or who go into burning buildings, deal with those who choose to ignore the laws that allow society to function – or simply do their best every day to provide for their family. The commentator referring to the ‘regular guy’… Read more »
@ Tim Abrahamsen – quoting Fight Club about the dilemma of contemporary men is a tad dicey when you consider that much of the plot (other than the bipolar schizoid self-hatred thing) of the novel emulates the rise of the Brown Shirts in the Nazi Party in Germany in the 1930s. Fight Club’s first rule is to never discuss Fight Club, there is a Leader who can never be questioned (Fuehrer), and the membership are largely those invisible men who start by spitting in soup but move on to acts of terrorism–bombs and shrapnel in what the novel celebrates as… Read more »
I would be careful to not automatically gainsay the comments to the article. Sure, there are internet trolls who spew hate speech at everything, and I completely agree that many of them are simply expressing their fear at the changing world around them. But maybe there’s something we can all learn from this. I’m 26 years old, and very interested in men’s issues. I think discussion, the kind that goes on here, is vital. But I also think we need something more, and maybe those commenters where hitting on that. If all we do is talk about these things, yes,… Read more »
Great article, knuckle dragging comments. For most of my life, I have been raised by women. My mother and my aunt and my sister. These were strong women who raised my brother and myself to be typical men. Strong, tough, resilient. It wasn’t until I had my first serious relationship that I learned that men could be vulnerable and not give up their masculinity. These commenters are just going to keep dragging their knuckles through the rest of their lives. They will never know the simple joy of just being able to exist in a space where they don’t need… Read more »
Note all the comments. Great attention for the magazine. Thank you, close-minded ones, for drawing more readers to the evolution of mankind.
The majority of your comments may have been negative but I don’t think the majority of the world thinks you’re wrong. I think the lousy remarks are more the mindset of the typical online commenter, many of whom have never been listened to before and just can’t believe they get to say something nasty about EVERYTHING. Bullies emboldened by the anonymity the internet offers. Also, don’t assume only men are this negative. I once had to join Cafemom.com as a research project and I cannot believe how brutal and nasty the moms on there are. MOMs, for god’s sake. Who… Read more »
As men we need support in being men. For decades if not centuries we have taken our cues on how to be a man from a society that were limiting us just as it was limiting women. Women started breaking out decades ago. It is about time we did.
I understand when you are ‘in control’ there is less reason to change the system or yourself. It is great to see we are realizing that the old ways restricted us as much as women.
I wish you all the best. Thank you for doing this!
Did you just call me a WIMP? Seriously…these pendejos have nothing better to do than spread hate and ignorance. The Good Men Project Magazine is a wonderful outlet for men like myself who want to stress the importance of fatherhood. As a child from a father-absent home in the public housing projects with seven siblings and a mother who barely spoke English, I thought life sucked. When I became a dad barely out of my teens, I knew that I wanted to be involved in my son’s life. I didn’t want my son to experience the same things I’ve been… Read more »
I like being here at the still-early stages of this project. The nay-sayers showed up within minutes of your first post, which is a dang shame. Feels like being flipped off in traffic by someone leaning on their horn. Pointless expression of formless rage. Here’s to a bright future of more considered expression and a truly transforming dialogue!
Thanks for being here.
It’s just like my mother used to tell me when dealing with ‘namecallers’, ‘bullies’ and general miscreants in grade school. These were the guys that wanted to make life for me, one of the smartest, fastest runner, but physically smallest in the class hell. “Ignore them, they’re only doing that to get a rise out of you” Jr. High came and with it a growth spurt, think a 5’9″ 7th grader with full moustache. A brief reprieve, as others short past me to 6′ and onwards, but that advice stayed with me and is even useful some 30 years later.… Read more »
First, thank you to Tom, Benoit, and Lisa – this is more than courageous and long overdue. I also agree with Sam. In the recovery community we have a saying: But for the Grace of God there go I. We say that when we see someone active in their addiction living in a way that we once did. It fits in this conversation as well. Who among us was not at some point one of those men? I certainly was. I was scared and miserable – hanging onto the only script for being a man I knew. These responses are… Read more »
I admire and support what you guys are doing, but might I suggest you avoid characterizing the people who express these opposing views? Calling them “miserable” and “trolls” puts you nearer the level of “it was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen,” “the editor’s name in the picture says it all,” and “these guys need to grow a pair.” If you avoid characterizing the opposing view, you can point out how their strategy is little other than to characterize. They needn’t be miserable trolls to be advancing weak positions. I simply fail to acknowledge the negative content that argument-by-characterization attempts… Read more »
Tom, every online, hide behind a screen phantom that dare leave his true self out there in fear of his lair crumbling is going to be negative. What this piece has brought to light is that it is still very hard for men to step up and say, “I am a man and damn at times it is HARD to be a good guy.” It isn’t metro or a lack of low hangers that keep the good men rising, but an introspective intelligence and security with themselves and the ever-changing society we share with the world. One thing I have… Read more »
Randy, I don’t ignore comments completely, and certainly not for the sake of “righteousness.” But I still believe that in the end it’s best to believe in yourself above all the voices out there that are coming from people who don’t know the real you.
Great insight, Adam. I am constantly accused of trying to “solve problems” when my wife just wants my ear and some empathy for a few moments. It’s what I do…I see a problem and I fix it; just like I fix a leaky faucet or a flat tire. Also, I have a few thoughts for Tom Forrester. Ignoring comments, good and bad, may provide a sense of righteousness, but you will find yourself ostrasized for it in the long run. I think it’s best to address those comments from a healthy perspective. If they are positive, accept them graciously and… Read more »
First, thanks for the leadership Tom, Lisa, and Benoit. It is beyond courageous and long overdue. Second, it would be too easy to vilify the men (and women) who responded. Though it has been some time that I have embraced this 21st century masculinity, there was a time when I would have been one of them. Afraid and hanging onto the script that was making me miserable because I simply did not know I had a choice. It was all that I had. In the recovery community we have a saying related to any time we see someone still suffering… Read more »