Tom Matlack responds to comments on a recent story about the Good Men Project Magazine that appeared in the Boston Globe.
Squeezed between the headlines, “Job Market Appears to Lose Steam” and “HP’s Chief Steps Down After Harassment Probe,” the Boston Globe ran a story about our fledgling enterprise titled, “A New Read on Masculinity” on the cover of its business section a few days ago.
Good Men Project Magazine Publisher Lisa Hickey, Editor Benoit Denizet-Lewis, and I stood proudly on the roof of our office building—like an unlikely rock band posing for an album cover—with the Boston skyline in the background.
(For some reason I’m holding a chair in the photo—after seeing it, several of my college friends emailed to remind me that I am not allowed to have furniture in high places, since being dubbed “The Couch” in college. If you must know why, please buy our book and read my essay, “Crash & Learn.”)
Neither the photo, nor the article, was the least bit controversial—but you wouldn’t know it by reading the comments. (By the way, the article gets one thing wrong. We do write about sports and sex—we just do it differently than other men’s magazines.)
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The comments started out stupid, but innocuous: “Sex and sports will always be more interesting than ‘when do I start calling myself a man?’ essays. Oh, and by the way…if you wrote that piece, the answer is: not yet.”
Another commenter wrote: “A story about a normal man playing in a gay men’s softball league? Puleeze!”
Okay—standard homophobic, idiotic comment.
But then they began to piss me off. “I think the editor’s name in the picture says it all: Benoit Denizet-Lewis,” wrote another. “This is the de-masculinization of the American man. 20 Yeas [sic] ago his name would have been Ben Lewis. I would entitle [sic] the magazine, Men Who Act and Think Like Women. Men are supposed to ignore and repress their feelings…be strong, tough it out, brush it off, and go have a beer. We express emotion through sports. What’s going to happen when all these kids with hyphenated names start marrying?”
What small-minded Neanderthals would come up with that? Really—is it some kind of joke? (For the record, twenty years ago, Benoit’s name was Benoit Denizet-Lewis.)
We publish everything from far right- to far left-wing men’s stories about what it means to be a man in modern America—and that is the response?
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And the inanity just kept coming…
“The Good Men Project is the wrong name. The Sensitive Metrosexual Project is more like it. How about, The Sensitve Whimpy [sic] Guy Project. Don’t try and redefine our gender, we’re quite happy with it as it was.”
And much, much more:
“Don’t need a psychiatrist, I can solve my own problems. That’s what men used to do before they became helpless, insufferable puddles like yourself. Go have a good cry, you’ll feel better.”
“I don’t get the photos. Are they the result of a photographer trying to be creative or possibly visual documentation of a far more nefarious polyamorous incident that occurred minutes earlier?”
“I thought the Promise Keepers cornered this market back in the ‘90s? They filled a stadium or two with men all proclaiming their ‘masculinity.’ It was the gayest thing I have ever seen.”
“When I need advice on masculinity from two metrosexuals who don’t know enough to tuck in their shirts they’ll be the first to know. I wouldn’t hold my breath. I get so tired of hearing this ‘men need to express their feelings’ crap. 90% of it is an excuse for whining. My father grew up in the Depression, went to WWII, and was pretty much the model of the regular guy. We’ve never had a problem expressing thoughts, feelings, or love as he approaches the end of his life. It doesn’t have to be a drama coached by some woman’s vision of what is the way we should express ourselves. Didn’t this crap die with Robert Bly?”
“Why do these wimps need their own magazine? Just send them subscriptions to Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day and Family Circle magazines…along with Cosmopolitan!”
“To quote John Hannah, they should put him in a skirt! These guys need to grow a pair.”
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I’m not going to bother breaking down all this nonsense (a tucked shirt is a prerequisite for manliness?); the good thing about mindless online comments is they tend to bring out some thoughtful readers who see them for what they are. While the majority of the comments on this fluff piece about a men’s magazine hoping to do more than sell suits and cologne were of the variety above, two of my favorite comments put things in perspective.
A reader with the handle “Da-Caveman” wrote to reassure me, “As a caveman…my first instinct is to be negative and scoff at men exploring areas that are uncomfortable to us cavemen. When my wife buys me a new shirt…I immediately do not like it…it makes me uncomfortable…When I hear new music…I generally do not like it…it takes time for cavemen to become comfortable with new things. The thunder you hear in the distance is the sound of all the educated, hardworking women that can make a living just as easy as us cavemen. The world is a changing…but we still have football. Keep up the good work, Tom, and keep dragging us out of our caves.”
And another contributed a tragic thought, adding a horrific personal experience and sarcastically equating it to the mindset of all the commenters that had gone before: “Growing up, my father would beat up my mother regularly. When the cops where called they would say, ‘Just keep it down and at home’ and then they would leave. Oh for those good ole days when a man was a man and a woman knew her place. Sigh!”
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I would like to think that the negative comments were all written by the same miserable person, but they weren’t. There were forty-seven comments by more than thirty readers, most of whom participated in the onslaught of negativity.
Several of our contributors responded, but new readers jumped in to talk about “growing a pair,” hyphenated names, and metrosexuals. Globe business reporter Johnny Diaz innocuously described our magazine and our mission in the most general terms, yet more than three quarters of the comments were harshly negative.
From the very beginning, I said that ten percent of men will “get” the Good Men Project right away, ten percent will never get it, and eighty percent will need convincing. The trolls on Boston.com, obviously, are among the ten percent who never will. But this magazine is for the other ninety percent. They don’t come in particular sizes or shapes, ethnicities or political parties, sexual orientation or home states.
They are men like me and Benoit—the men I’ve met who fought in the war in Iraq or did hard time in Sing Sing. They’re Hall of Fame athletes and homeless, teenage fathers, unemployed guys and investment bankers, stay-at-home dads and those suffering through the loss of a child.
They’re men who just got married and guys who just got divorced. They’re men who are struggling to be good—men who want to be better fathers, sons, and husbands.
They’re men who don’t equate strength and toughness with ignorance and repression. They’re men who would prefer not to go through life as miserable jerks—and from what I’ve seen, they’re everywhere. Well, almost everywhere.
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In September, 2009, Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
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About Tom Matlack
Well written. Well said. I am now a fan. Defend what is true. Keep up the great work.
Tom and I are experiencing similar Internet responses, largely from homophobes and troglodytes with keyboards who are terrified of women or of losing what they thought were confirmed male prerogatives. You don’t have to be straight to be homohpobic, by the way, but it is interesting to know that the GMF is on the brownshirts’ radar. All this traffic–we are pissing off the right people. Effective reading skills are no requirement; GMF will be pilloried for whatever cause the brownshirts want to attack. For such folks, misreading is no inhibition to mounting the free soapbox in these blog comments. All this bandwidth for free! All that audience!
Part of the challenge of being a good man in the 21st century is other men who are convinced that gender relations must be a zero-sum game–for every advance for their wives and daughters, they believe there must be a consequent loss by their sons and themselves; a win-win in gender relationships is too complicated for narrow minds to accept. Brownshirts bullies will always be among us, I fear. Hang tough, Tom, and if needed, a chair in hand can be used for more than sitting. We fight the good fight, and I am flattered to be on the team.
Wimp
Maybe these guys who wrote in response to the Globe piece would like to step outside for a few minutes. I’m just sayin’
Well said! You know in theatre, there is always what I call the offstage clown element — the people who always come late to the play and inconvenience ushers and other theatregoers. Those making these nasty comments aren’t even on their way to the theatre!
Mom won’t let them out of her basement.
You know what I keep thinking is: one of the purposes of GMP is to provide context (excuse/provocation/forum) for men to tell their stories. Seems to me the commenters on the Boston Globe site did just that. I’d say, in light of this, we win… haters hating is part of process. I enjoyed several of the “negative” comments for what I think they were, a sort of reflexive junior-league attempt at stand-up comedy that hinted more than the writers probably intended about their personal stories and perspectives. And I should say I very much enjoyed what “Da-Caveman” wrote. I wish I’d come up with it.
It’s in your last sentence, Tom, describing your readers: “They’re men who would prefer not to go through life as miserable jerks…” Your monosyllabic critics (“Wimp” says one) are the guys who actually do PREFER to go through life as miserable jerks.
Sorry, meant “critics,” not “readers.”
I suspect that many of the negative commenters didn’t read the article. They were confronted with the possibility that being a man required more than being able to piss standing up, and it scared them. They were scared that the definition of “good man” might not include them, and rather than helping to hone the concept, they preferred to demean it. Unfortunately, it’s the people who could benefit most from introspection who have the least of it.
But the comment about the nefarious polyamorous incident was funny.
P.S. If you’re going to [sic] the negative comments, it’s only fair to [sic] Da-Caveman’s use of “easy” for “easily.”
I think every guy I know (and most women too) should cast an eye over The Good Men Project every once in a while. It’s refreshing to see things openly talked about in diversely touching but also very funny ways.
I posted a positive comment (though I had to use a “user name” because my name already exists on Boston.com apparently!) But the gist of what I was reading was that homophobia and homosexual panic are alive and well in America. Psychoanalysis should be required of everyone over 30 in this country. Or, put it another way. As my mother always said: if you can’t say something nice…. Well, you know how it ends. The negativity is another way of asking for help to solve a conflict that has a hot button. The article pushed those buttons. You’re right: the need to keep the conversation going is there, front and center.
These comments make me burn. I began submitting my writing to The Good Men Project Magazine specifically because I fully embrace the need for men (and women) to evolve, to feel comfortable talking about their feelings. Sadly, most men are unequipped to handle any sort of tragedy in their lives. Imagine the extra joy they could feel if they decided to open up, rather than close off to what really matters. Thank you for encouraging this metamorphosis. Sharing ourselves gives others permission to do the same.
I’ve been writing about men’s issues since the 1980s, and have heard the nay-sayers’ critiques since then. I have learned this about them: They are frightened fifth-graders who never grew up. They actually believe that having the emotional range of drywall is “manly.”
They are dying off (since having the emotional range of drywall is actually toxic). Most younger men recognize that fatherhood, marriage, friendship, health and an adventurous life are all men’s issues.
Keep up the great work, Tom!
You need to let it go. Internet commenters, especially on newspaper sites and most other sites aimed at a general audience, are almost by definition mental defectives. Believe me, the vast majority of the people who read that story found it interesting, or at least innocuous. Comments sections tend to attract keyboard-warrior types — cowards who would never say things like that with their name attached to it. They’re generally enraged and deeply insecure, and their psychiatric issues have nothing to do with whatever they’re commenting on.
There is no negative publicity. Any reaction only serves to proove that something registered. That’s all that matters.
As someone who is constantly criticized for existing the way I do, I’m used to haters – haters who not only criticize what I do, but criticize who I am as a person…my identity itself. So far, The Good Men Project is the only forum in which I’ve received positive responses regarding my transman status, but I was prepared (and still am) for brutal attacks via comments. Ignoring comments, whether positive or negative, is best. Instead of wasting time reading all those comments, write something else to get them going instead. Your opinion is the one that counts. Also remember that the more controversial, the more readership.
Hey, I’ve lived in this country for 25 years, and the majority of American men crack me up. So the comments weren’t an eye opener- written by the type of guys who dare not sit next to each other on the subway, lest other people think they’re gay (gasp). No, there has to be a seat in between, and each guy has to sit with legs spread out, because of their enormous cojones. Now, those are real men.
American masculinity is so narrowly defined that it’s strangling most men. Wake up, guys, there is no such thing as a ‘real’ guy.
Take a look at the pictures of the Taliban in Afghanistan- wearing their black eye make-up, with high heeled slippers, and holding hands with other men. And these guys are armed to the teeth with AK-47s, and could easily slit your throat. Try telling them that they’re wimps.
Nice work, Tom. And by the way, you ARE a metrosexual, but so what? Next magazine article, pose with your scooter…!!!!
Hey, the good thing is that controversy creates publicity, which creates magazine sales. Think of it all as free advertisement.
I have couple guy friends who are stay-at-home dads. You’ve got a market for your magazine, for sure!
Wow some great stuff here from many of my very favorite men and women on the planet. Of course I don’t take any of the internet babble seriously. I/we wrote this to make the a point (as Todd the bluesmen states). We are not God. We don’t define manhood or goodness or anything else. We created this Project to allow men to talk. And so they did. We will protect the platform, not try to populate with only our own opinions. But on the mission we stay committed, no matter what. Criticism just makes us stronger.
Ron, yes I am (that made me laugh so hard I was crying)
Amin I have a scooter and am a metro, ya wanna fight about it?
Neil thanks for leading the way and being a believer since day one. You are a great man.
Hyla and Laura fear not that good men are extinct on this planet
Perry, Paul, Andy, and all the rest of you thanks for having my back…
Next up a frank discussion of male violence (not kidding…wait till Monday)