An in-depth look at one of the biggest reasons relationships fall apart—and the latest advice from doctors on how make sure your relationship isn’t next.
The hot sexual encounters in a new relationship are indelible. Think back to the best sex you ever had with your current partner. Maybe you ripped her panties off, or you had sex in a stairwell, or she went down on you and you’ll never forget how it felt—or how she felt. There was still an element of the forbidden, and the unpredictability of what you’d do next was off the charts. It was like the movies, except better, because was happening to you.
And then … things wind down. The frequency of sex divides itself by two, and then divides itself in half again. Pretty soon, between your stressful jobs, social obligations, and fights about money/the dogs/your in-laws, you’re left with whatever sex you can get. And it isn’t much—your sex life is basically dead.
Sound familiar? It should. Because it happens to all of us. But why? And how do we break out of it?
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If there’s one thing you should know about why sex dwindles, it’s that it’s normal.
“You have so much sex in the early phases of a relationship that it will inevitably decline,” says Pamela Regan, Ph.D., professor of psychology at California State University–Los Angeles. You really can’t maintain the five to seven to 10 times a week that sometimes characterizes newlyweds.”
For comparison’s sake, check out these stats: Studies have shown that most couples have sex one to two times a week, and as you age, the number will likely decrease. Relationships that are considered “non-sexual” are couples that have sex fewer than 10 times a year.
A man who wanted to be identified only as “Lorne” told me he and his wife of 12 years sometimes go for a year at a time without having sex.
“It’s not by choice, but I can say it is partly late work hours and not working out—I ballooned up to 220 from 193 pounds, so I’m tired,” he said. “She and I have grown apart because we don’t see eye to eye on much. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, as we just keep up appearances.”
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One out of five married couples has a non-sexual relationship.
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On top of Lorne’s own physical setbacks, his wife has suffered from eating disorders, which have taken a toll on her physical appearance as well as her mind-set.
“Is it because she has a poor body image or is just controlling and more focused on appearances? Perhaps. Am I fed up, and staying at work late to avoid the situation? Probably. Is this going to end well? Probably not.”
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Lorne’s situation isn’t that unusual, says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., professor of psychology at American University.
“One out of five married couples has a non-sexual relationship,” he says. “It’s one of the major causes of divorce. Sex is really paradoxical. When people are fighting about sex—but especially when they’re avoiding sex—it plays an inordinately powerful role, and it really drains a relationship and a marriage.”
For Peter Palmer, 52, of New York City, problems with his sex life crept up almost immediately after they were married. They waited to have sex until they were hitched, and soon after, they discovered they weren’t sexually compatible. He was experienced, and she wasn’t—she found sex “messy” and felt she was bad in bed, so she gave up. Now, even though Palmer thinks she is “beautiful,” they almost never have sex.
“I’m an artist and seek novelty. She’s a manager and wants to know when it’ll start, stop, and what the ROI will be,” Palmer says. “I wish I could interest her. [An] affair is looking pretty good, but there’s no going back once the deed is done. The sanctity will have been compromised. I want her, not a supplement.”
And it’s not for a lack of effort. Palmer says he has tried everything, from having sit-down discussions to crying with her, but nothing changes.
“The rest of my life is perfect,” Palmer says. “Just that. Only that. Always that.”
The hard truth is, almost no one is truly having the amount of sex they’d prefer. An Australian study published this month says that 54 percent of men and 42 percent of women in long-term relationships are unhappy with the frequency of sex they have. And an equally recent British study found that romance—and, by extension, sex—tends to get stale about 36 months, or three years, into a relationship.
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If date night seems corny to you, you might try this: become interesting to your partner by doing something new on your own (like joining a boxing gym or taking mixology classes) and then coming back and talking about it with her later.
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“This is where all those adorable quirks turn out to be annoying habits,” says Judi James, author of the study. “And if we’re stressed at work, our irritability levels will be heightened, meaning we’re far more likely to argue over those irritations and see them as a deal-breaker.”
If you’ve ever broken up with a girlfriend after about three years, that should sound familiar. But if you’ve stuck things out, chances are the romance has not.
The physical reasons for why the decline in frequency of sex happens—even in couples who have been together far longer than three years—are myriad. Side effects from antidepressants or heart medication are a major inhibitor of sexual function, says McCarthy. Sometimes women have a negative reaction to the hormones in birth control pills. Sleep disorder is another big one—anything that makes you feel bad physically is going to impact how you feel sexually. That goes for body-image issues like weight gain as well.
Next: How to Get Your Groove Back
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About Jamie Beckman
I’ve been married for eleven years and we are still having sex 5 -6 times per week. If anything, my husband is the one who needs a break. But we did go for long periods with no sex – the first year after each of our three children were born. I was just so exhausted and so freakin’ tired of being touched. Now that the children are older (and there won’t be any more), I have rekindled my desire.
How?
By having an affair. Sex with a new man brought my libido back on line big time. It was fantastic, and I have no regrets at all. The novelty and riskiness and just sheer focus on pleasure was an excellent reboot. I highly recommend it.
Would you recommend this to your husband? If you found out he had an affair, would you be OK with it?
I would totally be okay with my husband having a little extramarital fling. I think it would be good for him! Having someone else desire you is very uplifting. It can restore your confidence, big time.
you clearly dont know the meaning behind marriage
Emasculated have the least amount of sex due to their inability to turn their wives on. This is just like the Nice Guy who never gets laid, except now they’re in a relationship not getting laid. If they understood how to take charge of their relationships, this would never be a problem: http://goo.gl/obiC
That book is a guide to sociopathy. “When to apply pain”? Are you actually for real???
I had a read of it too. The mere use of the word “pain” is enough to denote the priorities these people have. It’s not about engaging in loving and respectful relationships – it’s about training someone into becoming what you want them to be in your own sick power relationship- which definitely has no place with the world that I want to live in. Disagreeing with people, or disapproving of behaviour on a case-by-case basis, is a far different matter to social engineering via restriction to confining gender roles.
Telling someone to leave your home if they won’t wash the dishes? What kind of antisocial, ill-bred shut-in invites a guest over and then makes them wash dishes?
I am nobody’s authority because I am female, much less my own fiance’s. I don’t believe gender imbues *anybody* with authority. To be told that I deserve social sanctioning because I won’t submit simply because I was born female is creepy.
Bec, you’re a stupid bitch who doesn’t even grasp the use of the english language. You’re the type of nonsensical controlling bitch that the book helps men keep in check. Why would any man want to end up with a yapping delusional woman who is too stupid to think before she speaks. Like most women, you’re too dumb to even grasp that you’re a controlling bitch, yet you cover your dysfunctional behavior with euphemisms..
Like most idiots, you speak before you think. This is exactly why you’re not qualified to be in charge of anything. Idiots like you never grasp the concept of enforcement because feminism tells you that you are just as smart as a man. Your comments obviously prove otherwise.
Ad hominem attacks and vicious name-calling and ridicule? Totally rational and calm. I thought the book said that those things were the mark of people who aren’t in control? I certainly know that whenever anyone refers to another person as a country-music-loving-woman, they are in full control of the situation and aren’t overridden by their emotions *at all*.
Five to Five, I know I’m smart – statistically, smarter than most men and women. I’m not offended by your comments – I’m amused by them. Objective, rational evidence, like the multiple degrees which I excelled in and my measured IQ as verified by psychologists who administered the test correctly, prove this to me. I know I’m not despised by men, because I have a wonderful fiance who loves me, a great relationship with my father and brother, a diverse array of terrific friends, and the respect and love of my colleagues and students at an all-boys’ school. I spend the greater part of my life trying to help boys find happiness and value in themselves, and the fact that my students and their parents request me as a teacher each year shows that I’m either the greatest mind-controlling genius of all time, or… well, not such a bitch after all.
I know your parents must be very disappointed that the sole achievement in your life is spamming internet forums with links to a self-published book that’s pretty much just a crappy riposte of “The Taming of the Shrew”, but really, your rage is very unbecoming.
Yeh. The book is stupid bullshit. If you want to become attractive as a man, practice a martial art, or get more education. I’m fairly dominant but people like me. I agree that some types of feminism have promoted conniving, passive-aggressive men. But you can be balanced– fair to women and men. There are abouth three men who come here who are reacative types–quick to insult. Sometimes this site seems to be about feminist approval– with which I disagree. But no need for the ad hominems.
Bec, you’re a mindless c u n t who has yet to make a coherent point. You are the epitome of a dumb bitch. You’re the reason why domestic violence should be legalized. If every man could backhand a stupid nonsensical bitch like you, the world would be a better place.
This trolling is so pathetic that I’m wondering if it’s a really ineffectual feminist working undercover. Seriously, you guys have got no finesse…
Bwahahahahaha! Sorry Five to Five, that approach will not work with the kind of intelligent woman that can be your greatest joy in life. If you are looking for woman-child personality to dominate, then yes, those techniques will have a certain degree of success. Well, that is until she overdoses or drinks herself to death. Pray she doesn’t try to kill your children while she is at, since life is so horrible she feels she must “save” them from this horrible fate.
Good luck with that!
Bec, the book is for men, not idiot women with the reading comprehension of a carrot stick. Stupid women like you always read with your emotions first and your brain last. That’s why you never grasp the point like a man.
You really need to work on your trolling skills, you aren’t even trying to persuade me. Sad.
I am just so accustomed to a better quality of troll that I actually feel a little insulted that they’re not putting more effort in. Damn you, /b/, for making me expect lulzier trolls…
An affair cured your marriage? Does your husband know about the affair?
Of course not! But he is the main beneficiary, and that is all that counts.
Andrea,
I’m putting aside my judgment here and just asking about the logic of it. If you have even more affairs, will it benefit your husband even more?
I’m thinking I might selflessly have an affair now, for my partner’s own good. (Okay, that was sarcastic.)
Everyone should be a selfless as Andrea. (Sarcasm as well).
Do you feel any guilt at all?
Personally, I wouldn’t do what Andrea did; but I think her experience uncovers an important insight on how to rekindle your sex drive. Give yourself full permission to have your desires. That doesn’t mean always pursuing your desires, of course. It just means approving of them when they come up.
It’s really a matter of common sense. Reject your own desires over and over, and eventually your capacity for desire will just shrivel up and die. But if you make a point of approving of your desires whenever they arise, your capacity for desire will stay strong and healthy, which often translates into a robust sex drive.
Emasculated have the least amount of sex due to their inability to turn their wives on. This is just like the Nice Guy who never gets laid, except now they’re in a relationship not getting laid. If they understood how to take charge of their relationships, this would never be a problem: http://goo.gl/obiC
LOL. I would never pick ‘Lorne’ to be my fake name.
Frequency is the easiest part to quantify, so it’s the clearest thing to measure. As the article suggests, a decline in frequency is usually a symptom of something else, and maybe once you fix others things the frequency will go back up.
I see a deeper issue, in my experience. Some people, male and female, are in love with being in love. Sometimes you can fall back in love with your partner, and sometimes you can’t, and for some people that’s a hard thing to deal with.
With both my marriages (each about 20 years) sex settled at about twice a week. It actually seemed to improve, so I don’t know what the article is talking about. I’ve tried the affair thing too, and can’t say whether it improves the primary relationship. (If it’s super good, it probably hurts it slightly, if kept up.) I don’t care if my partner does this, but don’t want to know about it. Occasional off-track sex is probably natural.
By the way, I don’t like the moralism from the people upthread who usually condemn feminism. I agree that feminism is one-sided much of the time. Especially when it’s sex-negative. But men and women should have parallel reproductive rights. The book looks like its one sided too.
It seems to me like what they’re saying is:
1) Don’t have kids
2) Don’t get stressful jobs that you need to support your kids
Then, instead of kids and stressful corporate meetings, you can have lots of hot hot sex.
I’m already there, folks.
Weight is a huge issue in sex. And most women are in complete denial. But believe me, most men find overweight to be completely unattractive.
Hint: Stop deleting comments due to low popularity. There are three or four stupid asses who weigh in on everything here.
I have a small problem. My wife and I last year sometime got into s/m/b/d. We would do “scenarios” and take turns being the submissive. I was a far better submissive than dominant. I have since then lost interest in that, and just want straight sex with cuddling, and all that stuff. She still wants the extreme b/d/s/m scenarios from me, but I really don’t like doing that. How can I create a happy medium?
sey
What if he’s not interested in taking you out I mean I wanna do different things but he doesn’t.