When Elloa Atkinson confessed to the internet that she wanted to cheat on her husband, the internet went crazy. Here is her husband Nige’s side of the story.
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Elloa:
I wrote a post about wanting to cheat on my husband, and it went viral. The response was mixed, the opinions passionate. The only voice that was noticeably absent was that of my husband, Nige.
This didn’t seem right, but it did feel significant, symbolic of the collective vow of silence that today’s men are living under.
While some people expressed their outrage that I would hurt my husband in this way, others shared either publicly or privately that they too have had these kind of thoughts, fantasies and yes, even obsessions. Still others protested that if a man were to speak about being attracted to women whilst in a relationship, he would be lambasted.
This conversation, sparked by my article, appears to be one we are ready to have. The next step was clear. It was time for Nige to speak.
♦◊♦
Nige:
A few weeks ago, when Elloa disclosed her secret attraction, I felt like my stomach had been clamped in a vice. Then, as her confession came, an inward surge of Hulk-like anger, all too familiar. My thoughts were no different than some of the judgmental comments that appeared in reaction to her article on the Huffington Post. Let’s face it: the ego always speaks first, and often cruelly.
I know that if I react when I am feeling Hulk-like anger, it’s game on for the ego, but game over for the relationship.
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The difference was, I know enough about this part of my mind not to voice my thoughts at this point. The first thing I have to do in these moments is take a breath, then another one, then another one. If I react now, it’s game on for the ego, but game over for the relationship—and I won’t let the ego win, because it viciously guards a set of mistaken beliefs that drive me further and further away from the one thing I truly want the most: love.
Therefore, Elloa and I have a contract about disclosing our secrets and dark thoughts to each other. We both understand that secrets kill relationships, and see so many couples playing a long-term game of hide and seek with each other. In our marriage, we are determined to fully know and be known by the other, and that means having the kind of raw, honest conversation that Elloa’s article described.
Having this depth of honesty in our communication is not easy. It is scary, vulnerable and unpredictable.
Fortunately, we have enough tools in our relationship kitbag to be able to work through any form of upset in a safe and contained way, without using the other person as a dumping ground. The critical element in the whole process is the intention that we both set at the beginning.
We did what we always do in this situation, utilising a therapeutic process (adapted from Clearmind International) that forms a core part of our relationship. The process gives permission to the reactive, raging part of my mind to unleash its fury for three solid minutes without any kind of reaction whatsoever from Ell. Crucial to the process is that she remains neutral, and that no physical boundaries are crossed whatsoever.
When the other person refuses to fight back but also stays the course and remains in a place of neutrality (not always easy to do), something amazing happens: the brutal, vicious attacking part of our mind gives way and we literally ‘drop’ into our feelings. This is the place no man wants to go—a pit of despair, self-loathing, shame and loneliness.
My anger, directed initially towards Elloa for her ‘disgusting’ behaviour, was really masking a deep wound that I have carried since I was a boy—the belief that I in fact am completely inadequate and unloveable.
♦◊♦
The root of this belief lies in my childhood, during which I lost a testicle after being kicked by another boy and the subsequent taunting, which dogged me for most of my schooldays. I grew up believing I was a freak. I called myself the odd man out.
Fast forward 39 years and there I am with my wife, feeling six years old again: raw, exposed and vulnerable, with my head in my hands. I am terrified to look up, afraid she will reject me. In that moment, I feel deeply ashamed of who I am.
I know there there is only one way through this shame—have to make contact. I have to let her see me otherwise I’ll just be an empty shell. If I don’t let her into my world, then I’m doomed to walk this planet as a zombie, a man with a plastic smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. And yet there is so much I want to say. Somehow, I have to take a risk and open up.
As a man, I haven’t been taught by our society how to express my feelings. It’s as taboo as wanting to cheat, forbidden in daily life and permissible only in the direst of circumstances. Even then, only a few tears are allowed before the words ‘man up’ come into play.
Even now, after nearly three decades of inner work, speaking about how I feel often feels clumsy and awkward for me. However, experience has taught me not to listen to the shaming voice that tells me that I’m weak if I cry.
So on the day Ell told me about her crush, I let her hold me while my body shook and the tears poured out of me. I told her everything I fear I am and she just listened, just held me and let me let it all out.
Eventually, I came to a quieter place. The dam, once burst, doesn’t gush water uncontrollably forever. The wave subsides. I am left with my beliefs.
♦◊♦
After the outrage and attack, after the shame and the guilt, after the tears, there is a moment of true choice. This is the state from which I can change my mind, because here, I am open. Here, I am willing to accept help. I ask my wife, this woman who just a few minutes ago I thought was the cause of all my pain, to help me remember who I am.
And the truth comes back to me. I am not the odd man out. I never was. I am strong. I am worth loving. I am good. And nothing can be taken from me because I have everything I need within.
The function of my relationship isn’t to avoid experiencing pain or the realization of my fears—it is to give each other a soft place to land when one of us needs to show up, knowing that the healing is always twofold.
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This is not a theoretical or intellectual knowing, it is an experience I inhabit when I work through, rather than dance around or avoid my deepest fears. The function of my relationship isn’t to avoid experiencing pain or the realization of my fears—it is to give each other a soft place to land when one of us needs to show up, knowing that the healing is always twofold.
Elloa revealing her attraction therefore became a catalyst for me to expose a war wound that I carry on a daily basis and to do the work of changing my perception of myself. I do not do this work alone. I do it from a mindset of making conscious contact with my wife and with myself.
I’m a normal guy; I have thoughts of sexual attraction towards other women almost every day. Some are fleeting while others linger. It’s the ones that linger that trouble me the most. But I know that with each attraction there is an opportunity—often not as dramatic as this one—to take a step closer to my wife, to myself and to being the type of man I want the world to know exists.
And that is why, in our household, my wife Elloa is always welcome to tell the truth, and why I tell mine in return.
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Photos courtesy of authors
After ten years of marriage, two of them almost totally sexless I met a man and we fell into an affair. It was not planned and after that first night I swore it would never happen again. It took a month before I gave in and went to him. I didn’t feel anything for him. As a matter of fact I didn’t even like him that much. He was not anything like my husband or any other man I had been with. My husband is a professional and a gentleman. This guy was a construction worker and had totally different… Read more »
You were raped. You did not deserve this. I hope that you see that. I’m shocked and sadden for you. I hope you are well now as I know this is an old post.
Each to his own. I know that I have a fine libido and don’t tire of desiring the woman I’m in love with. I don’t allow trivial things to enter in. This man should wake up. His wife doesn’t care enough.
An interesting article but readers beware: Clearmind International is a cult. It is loosely based on the Course in Miracles but is run by two very controlling individuals who act more like self-appointed Messiahs. My ex-wife and I took a workshop with Clearmind about 10 years ago and the experience left me an emotional mess and ultimately ruined my marriage. Couple should avoid Clearmind for counselling.
Hi Robert
How are you? Thanks for sharing, particularly about Clearmind International.
Would you be willing to share more because I’m running into similar concerns with my wife? I want to make sure she isn’t being unduly negatively (manipulatively) influenced about marriage and our relationship by an outside source with some kind of personal/professional agenda. Based upon your story of a “ruined” marriage, such a concern may be inferred, I think.
Clearmind is not a cult. It doesn’t even subscribe to that kind of mentality. It is a community of very good people who work to help people figure out some of the very challenging things that appear in our lives. And, like any self exploration program, Clearmind helps you look at some things that most people don’t want to look at. Its difficult and delicate work that can cause substantial shifts in a person’s life – as can any counselling. I’m sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. I hope you find something that works better for you.
Its nice to read the working of communication as a tool of letting out once inner voice and vices as well. Being a counselor and youth animator have been though so many cases of such nature with the teens and young people who go through mental stress and incomplete self-esteem issues in their relationships (which eventually leads to one or either of the partners being unfaithful to each other). Lately I was reading a book from the author Paulo Cohelo “Adultery”. The strange thing in human nature is that we discover ourselves and our true strengths after falling pry to… Read more »
The wife should read http://dearpeggy.com/affairs.html#2to understand why people have affairs. Not a good reflection of her inner world, is it. Infidelity is a choice someone makes in response to, or escape from, their own unaddressed emotional problems.
The husband might in some strange way be glad that the conversation is out on the table now. Affair prevention involves talking about our attractions to other people.
Then he should call us for help to heal.
Laura S.
Executive Director
Infidelity Counseling Network
http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org
Yehhhh! What James sed!! (on Nov. 20th)
And p.s
As a child and family psychotherapist I loved reading how you both are doing the psychological work to heal the past! I applaud both of you! It’s not often that you see both people in a couple being able to and interested in doing the healing work! And I enjoyed how you shared the process so people can learn from it! Of course only those ready to hear it will learn but that’s the way goes! And Because it’s easier to cure a child then fix an adult I now educate parents on prevention of psychopathology in children by using… Read more »
In my opinion this is what a healthy relationship sounds like! It won’t work for everyone but this kind of communication is what I would find ideal, though I would react similarly to Nige and feel inadequate and crushed I imagine. I bet this situation has only strengthened the relationship and I hope other people can learn from this couple sharing such a controversial situation 🙂
I’m not sure if you guys are still responding but I’m gonna post here cause you seemed to be at one point. This may be hard to understand, but I think your self-analysis off. Perhaps this can be another way to “see things differently.” Nige man, its really ok to be angry with your wife. She had an emotional affair and became “obsessed” (her words) with another man and then pretended like being honest with you about it would make everything ok. Read your own book dude, be honest with yourself, its ok to be extremely fuming mad at your… Read more »
Read a few different takes on this on several sites. It’s a very open account of what happened and maybe we can all take something from it. I have been suspecting my partner of cheating, but I don’t want to make something out of nothing either so posts like these are good. I have been reading a great eBook called Signs of Infidelity – How to know for sure if your partner is cheating, it is by Gregory Smith. I want to be able to work through all this so I am trying to decide how to confront the problems.… Read more »
This is exactly what Gay Hendricks recommends in ‘Conscious Living’, check it out!
I was wondering… Did you actually cheat on your husband? If so.. Was it worth doing it?
Nige and Elloa, First, thank you for honestly expressing what many of us feel — an attraction to others and a desire to have sex with them. Not to necessarily love, move in with, marry and have kids with them and all the related complexities of intimate relationships. Just to have sex. Monogamy is assumed one a couple becomes a couple; few couples actually have a dialog about it — are we going to be monogamous, have we been non-monogamous in the past, are we good at monogamy, are we choosing monogamy or is it “just what couples do”? We… Read more »
You two, Nige & Elloa, give a lot of lip service to open communication but there was obviously an extreme lack of communication leading up to this issue. You two are not creating an atmosphere where the other feels comfortable being open and honest. On top of that, you’re not discussing your needs. Maybe chill out, try a swingers club and stop stamping out your sexuality thinking it’s somehow ethical to do so. It’s no biggie, get out there and experience life. Sheesh. And Nige stop being a damn pushover. What I think is crazy is that Elloa, you have… Read more »
Hi Radio Wright,
You’ve given a lot more advice in your comment than we did in both articles. Curious whether we hit a raw nerve?
Nige and Ell
Let me rephrase that then. Since I pinpointed what bothered me. It’s a perceived lack of respect for your husband. The photo selection for this article showing you with a half grin / half smirk with Nige looking like a begging – wounded puppy gives a disrespectful feel, especially based on the contents of the article. From a marketing standpoint it’s an awesome selection but from a respectful standpoint, do you think it’s the best selection? I have no issue with the content of the article. I give you props that even with the lack of communication leading up to… Read more »
If attractions are normal, what’s this whole thing been about? Jealousy is pretty normal and fades when we realize our partners still need and care for us. It doesn’t, with respect, have anything to do with any particular childhood wound – we’re simply trained to feel that we own each other, which is pretty awful. And Nigel, I can tell you, having been through the cult of absolute self-confession as a means of ‘healing’ – it’s not. It’s just a bit of personal excoriation. I know you guys are selling your ‘clear mind international’ program, and while I’m sure interpersonal… Read more »
Hi Liam, To answer your first question, if you’re curious about an answer: this ‘whole thing’ has been about being emotionally responsible, a position that states that I am 100% responsible for my emotional state. You might also want to check out Clearmind before naming it as a cult – it is a certified college in Canada and its founders, as well as its teachers, are highly qualified psychologists. There is no connection with Landmark Forum, EST or any other organisation; the psychological theory, if you’d like to look into it, is based on a transpersonal perspective and is rooted… Read more »
Your husband needs to learn that the definition of a “normal guy” is not some guy who thinks about women constantly. Men who are not attracted to women or even those who are but mostly have other things on their mind besides women, are still normal guys. It seems that even as your husband, Nige, is trying to unshackled himself from the grips of rigid masculinity, he still holds onto outdated and homophobic proscriptions about what it means to be a man or a “normal guy.” Normal guys can be attracted to women or NOT; they can think about women… Read more »
Your husband needs to learn that the definition of a “normal guy” is not some guy who thinks about women constantly. Men who are not attracted to women or even those who are but mostly have other things on their mind besides women, are still normal guys. It seems that even as your husband, Nige, is trying to unshackled himself from the grips of rigid masculinity, he still holds onto outdated and homophobic proscriptions about what it means to be a man or a “normal guy.” Normal guys can be attracted to women or NOT; they can think about sex… Read more »
Hi Liam. How are you? Thanks for sharing, particularly about Clearmind International. Would you be willing to share more because I’m running into similar concerns with my wife? I want to make sure she isn’t being unduly negatively (manipulatively) influenced about marriage and our relationship by an outside source with some kind of personal/professional agenda. Based upon your comment and allusion to potential “culty” programs such as EST, Landmark, and other “therapeutic” programs as “CMI,” I can infer a bit of concern at least in terms of how your comment relates to my situation. I do realize, of course, that… Read more »
I am so inspired by the conversation that you two are having, and your willingness to have it in public, and your grace in receiving and responding to criticism from total strangers. As difficult as it must often be to undertake radical honesty even with those who love you, how much more difficult must it be to make oneself vulnerable in the full glare of the internet? I’m not sure I’m brave enough to give or ask for the same in my own relationship, but you have encouraged me to try. Thank you for sharing.
Hi MP,
Just to reflect to you that your comment shows how willing you are to stand in a place of emotional accountability. Thank you for your honesty. Vulnerability is the key when showing up in your relationship, one small step at a time.
Nige and Elloa
OK, that explains why you’re comfortable with your wife telling the truth to you. You didn’t address whether you feel comfortable about her telling it to the world, and any knock-on effects on you, family, friends, children (if you have them or are considering it), etc. It no doubt attracts a lot of attention from interested men, giving your wife a great deal of choice in the matter, but you didn’t address the impact of her taking this public on you.
Hi Floyd We fully discussed this and both fully consented to publishing both articles. Contrary to your perception that Elloa has ‘no doubt’ attracted a lot of attention from interested men, she has in fact only received one proposition – and I was right next to her reading the email when she opened it. The guy later apologised. Of course, it’s risky sharing this publicly, and yes we have considered our friends and family – and they are okay with it. We’ve been transparent about what is often a taboo area in relationships and it’s stirred some people up. It’s… Read more »
Nige, if you’re making a decent living preaching the ‘New Man Gospel” then fair dues to you – do not, however, make the mistake of believing it or, even worse, living it. It doesn’t work, I’ve yet to see a single example of a relationship in which the man gets anything but shafted whilst living by the NMG. Personally I don’t think that women are ready for it just yet.
Hey Warren,
Sorry you’ve experienced that. I’ve felt shafted at different times too, but I know that is an opportunity for me to stand in my strength as a man. I know from experience that if I choose to shut down then I’m choosing to live half dead. Our world needs women to become ‘menimists’, in the same way we need men to be feminists. Lets end this gender separation once and for all.
Nige
We all have dark shadows within. Unhealed wounds, repressed fears and punishing beliefs. It’s the human condition. Anyone who says otherwise is simply blind to their own, and blind is exactly how those shadows want us … for that’s how they do their bidding with us. The most exquisite intimate relationship will offer each partner the safety and the space to “out those shadows” as soon as we catch sight of them … lest we be ruled by them and they make us do destructive things (whether to others or our own selves). … anyway, that’s just a wordy way… Read more »
Hi Bryan,
Yes, we all have shadows. The beautiful thing about exploring these shadows in relationship is that you discover the shadows don’t need to be so destructive, after all.
Wishing you well on your journey and thank you for such an eloquent, conscious response.
Nige and Elloa
I think too many people get married too early in life. I am 30 years old and have never been married. I think only once you really figure out who YOU are, only then can you truly meet and love someone. In my own humble opinion I beleive if you meet the right person you will not have these fantasies/desires for another person. This doesn’t seem to be the case in your marriage, and I pity both of you.
Nige is 45! Two years ago, was he still too young to get married? Mark, some people don’t have fantasies about others… but they work late, or overeat, or numb out on TV and alcohol and porn. It’s never about the behaviour – it’s about the ANXIETY that drives it. Marianne Williamson teaches that rather than trying to be fixed before you get into a relationship, that it is IN the relationship itself that we meet our whole, imperfect and utterly loveable human selves. You’re free to pity us if you want to but there might be a better avenue… Read more »
what is actually happening is that this woman is preparing her husband for the affair she wants to have.I dont buy all this radical honesty stuff a bit and from the looks of it,the husband seems to be buying into it.Its all ok because at the end of the day its their marriage.They can do whatever they want.But whats wrong is for people to prescribe such a way of living to others under the desguise of a healthy relationship.If you already have a partner,he should be enough for u or if he is not there is something called a divorce.If… Read more »
Hi Tafadzwa, First up, we are NOT prescribing anything at all about what YOU should do in your relationships. Secondly, pretty much every human being we’ve ever encountered (bar Amma) has ‘stuff’. If you didn’t have any, you wouldn’t be here (on the planet, and HERE, reading about ‘the conversation no one else is having’). Sounds like this touched on some uncomfortable areas for you… hope you find your way to a place of peace with it. And we know this isn’t the normal way of doing things in relationships. If it was, it wouldn’t have been shared by so… Read more »
I tend to be a private person myself so I don’t totally understanding sharing something like that online before you share it with your husband. And I can’t determine if sharing it online first did them a disservice or if it helped them be more honest with each other. Maybe both. I totally understand why this would be so upsetting to her husband. But I’m a little caught up on the part where Nige says that he thinks about other women alot, almost every day where some stay with him and some don’t. Did Nige believe that his wife had… Read more »
Hi Erin, No, he didn’t assume that I’d never have these thoughts; we have been in relationship for 6.5 years and have repeatedly shown up with attractions to other people. He wasn’t upset that I’d disclosed it; I really hope you can see that my disclosure simply opened up a window into his past, reminding him of a wound from long ago. In other words, the present trigger gave us both an opportunity to identify and then transform the mistaken beliefs we carry. It’s never about what is happening in the present moment. ACIM says, “I see only the past,”… Read more »
Fast forward 39 years and there I am with my wife, feeling six years old again: raw, exposed and vulnerable, with my head in my hands. I am terrified to look up, afraid she will reject me. In that moment, I feel deeply ashamed of who I am. I know there there is only one way through this shame—have to make contact. I have to let her see me otherwise I’ll just be an empty shell. If I don’t let her into my world, then I’m doomed to walk this planet as a zombie, a man with a plastic smile… Read more »
Hey FlyingKal (cool name!) I guess we’re both hearing in your comment that you desire to be met in this way, too. Everyone deserves to be seen and held in their most tender, vulnerable moments. It can be just as awkward for the person who is witnessing someone be deeply open and vulnerable. That too takes courage, and in a relationship, it becomes a reciprocal thing, the true meaning of giving and receiving. When someone isn’t able to fully receive you in all your humanness, it’s NOT about you; it’s because of a wound from their own past which has… Read more »
This story is not as advertised by the inapposite word “cheating”. Cheating involves broken rules and secrets and lying. This what Elloa and Nige describe is not cheating, it’s a discussion about opening the relationship to some degree, perhaps moving from monogamous to monogamish (look it up if you’re not familiar). It can be a scary, fraught, and difficult conversation for those who’ve never really had to think about the structure and configuration of their relationship—which includes most straight people—because the roles and rules have largely been socially prescribed and taken for granted. One such taken-for-granted social more is “sex… Read more »
Thanks, Daniel, you said what I was going to say, at least as well if not better than I can put it. To me, “cheating” is very focused on the idea of doing something one has agreed not to: violating a promise or agreement or rule. Even if two people consciously decide to me in a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t mean they magically stop being human. We’ve grown from a tribal/village based society, where each person has a variety of interactions with a number of people who act as partners, lovers, teachers, healers, etc…to a society where we tend to… Read more »