• Obtain a license for a concealed weapon.  Show said license to teenaged daughter’s boyfriend.
• Dream about the four-hour erections they keep talking about on those erectile dysfunction commercials.
• Getting out of bed is accompanied by a grunt and a cacophony of cracks.
• Forgive your dad for whatever he did wrong because you realize you are no better.  Or worse.
• Go to 25th college reunion and secretly stare at the potbellies and bald heads while you wonder to yourself, “how did all these guys get so damn old?”
• Start to worry that your son is going to have to go to war.
• Become obsessed with finding a back-up food source in the event of apocalypse.
• Wear spandex while riding a bike that cost more than your first car.
• Read endless books on gambling strategy, the civil war and wilderness adventures.
• Become expert at trimming ear hair.
• Drink a metallic liquid that makes you want to puke only to have the pleasure of having a camera shoved up your ass.

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