In a NYT op-ed called The Heat Grows Smarter, David Brooks addresses some of the deepest questions a man can ponder: What makes a man successful? What makes a man happy?
The answers are not altogether shocking, and yet the academic confirmation of these factors is somewhat unexpected. David Brooks explains:
It wasn’t only parents who were emotionally diffident; it was the people who studied them. In 1938, a group of researchers began an intensive study of 268 students at Harvard University. The plan was to track them through their entire lives, measuring, testing and interviewing them every few years to see how lives develop.
In the 1930s and 1940s, the researchers didn’t pay much attention to the men’s relationships. Instead, following the intellectual fashions of the day, they paid a lot of attention to the men’s physiognomy. Did they have a “masculine” body type? Did they show signs of vigorous genetic endowments?
What they determined, of course, was that physiognomy and body type had nothing to do with what gave men good lives. When examining which men rose high in the military during WWII wasn’t a burly physique. The major determining factor to a man’s success was whether or not he grew up in a warm and loving family. Brooks explains that the men who grew up in cold households were much more likely to finish as privates.
Body type was useless as a predictor of how the men would fare in life. So was birth order or political affiliation. Even social class had a limited effect. But having a warm childhood was powerful. As George Vaillant, the study director, sums it up in “Triumphs of Experience,” his most recent summary of the research, “It was the capacity for intimate relationships that predicted flourishing in all aspects of these men’s lives.”
Those intimate relationships also seem to contribute to study participants living longer.
Even better, a man’s childhood doesn’t lock him into an outcome. First, a perfectly happy childhood doesn’t seem to be a pre-requisite for success, but rather the presence of a loving person in the man’s childhood. Even more reassuringly to parents, Brooks says, “as Vaillant puts it, ‘What goes right is more important than what goes wrong.'”
And regardless of whether he was raised in a cold household, his life could improve as he aged. Brooks cites men who, as they aged (the study spans 90 years of life), made efforts to develop intimate relationships and find the things that make them happy. It’s also important to note that some of the happiness men found as they aged may be what Brooks describes as historical, “Over the past half-century or so, American culture has become more attuned to the power of relationships. Masculinity has changed, at least a bit.”
One also has to wonder if perhaps Charlie Glickman may have been on to something in his personal essay about low testosterone levels and his experience in supplementing his body with more of the so-called male hormone. Glickman explains:
Without making excuses for anyone’s behavior in any way, it does seem to me that the ways that some people talk about how men manage ourselves rarely takes the physiological effects of testosterone into account.
Considering that men’s testosterone levels tend to lower as they age, is it possible that lowered testosterone levels may have also opened up new avenues of happiness for these older men? Glickman isn’t quick to jump on a bandwagon blaming testosterone for male behavior either way, and recognizes that part of what makes men better able to make good choices as they age is experience and naturally-obtained wisdom.
What do you think of this new information? Do you believe that your childhood—warm and intimate or cold and lonely—contributed to your overall professional and personal success?
In what ways does this information become helpful to parents raising boys?
Also read Hitting Puberty at 42: Testosterone and Me by Charlie Glickman
Painting by Sarah G…/Flickr
Without a doubt growing up in a loving and caring family with 3 other sibling contributed immensely to my personal success. This is where I learned to respect and share with others. This was the foundation of how to give and receive warmth and affection. So, my parents and family was extremely important. What has soured me (happiness wise) has been my displeasure with women in terms of maintaining a caring and intimate relationship (with sex). I have pretty much given up on this aspect of my life. However, I still maintain my positive and happy disposition. Just no longer… Read more »
Building these kind of relationships later in life is completely doable. And there are some skills to learn in maintaining them and over-coming the beliefs and self-talk that we may learn in a less than functional childhood environment. My experience in the ManKind Project has shown me that creating powerful and warm relationships can have staggeringly positive effects on a man’s life.
Yes, loving relation is the make-or-break factor. Pick up the book, *A General Theory of Love* by Thomas Lewis, et al. ~ It’s been my ‘relational bible’ for 12 years now. It’s a gorgeous blend of hard science and a literary, even poetic, sensibility.
I can’t (won’t) site the studies but recent research indicates that hapiness is somewhat fixed, although it can be influenced by, you guessed it, things like close relationships. One or two people you really know and who really know you goes a long way toward increasing your hapiness. Engaging in activities that bring a sense of mastery (work, hobbies, sports, avocations) also help. All of which, with this article, confirms common sense, but it needs confirmation sometimes. However happy I am is tied to my feelings for my 3 children. I was raised in a cold/distant home, and the one… Read more »
Unfortunately, my childhood has had a massive impact on my personal and professional success or lack thereof. I’ll have to be one of the few who can beat the odds.
Warren Buffett had a very verbally and emotionally abusive mother but he turned out great. However, he have a wonderful father. But his household most certainly was not warm. So its not impossible to beat the odds in a dramatic fashion.
I think this is a fascinating insight, and the best part is that knowing it enables us to make a change for the better in our lives. Unhappy, and had an unhappy childhood? Start forming warm and enduring relationships now. The most painful regrets I have are usually tied to the close relationships that I let die. I have a debilitating mental illness because of how bad my childhood was. I’m an outlier, I hope. But yeah, I’d say that having someone who loves you consistently is key to figuring out how to love like that. You really hope it… Read more »