This week, Dear John advises on oral sex, nut allergies, and accidental assault.
This article originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
Dear John,
I’m in a relationship that is going well. We’re both in our early thirties and neither one of us has a very extensive history of relationships. Definitely less than most people our age. We’re both very shy and uncomfortable around other people but we get along with each other really well, I guess because we’re so similar. My question is one that I would be really, really embarrassed to talk to anyone about. To make a long story short, neither one of us had any experience with oral sex and we wanted to give it a try so we did. He really enjoyed receiving it and I liked how much he enjoyed it, so that made it enjoyable for me, too. But when the roles were reversed, he gave it a minimal effort before deciding that he just couldn’t do it. He found as thoughtful a way as he could to express that he thought it was really gross. But now he still expects it from me. He’s under the impression that I enjoy doing it (which I don’t – I don’t mind, but I could take it or leave it – it’s something I’m doing for him) but now I feel like when I do that without any attempt at reciprocation, I’m being taken advantage of. I hate to feel like I’m keeping score or something, but I am hurt and annoyed that he expects this to be all taking and no giving and that’s fine with him. The worst part of all this is now that it’s become something of an issue, we’ve ended up having sex a little less often, but I just feel like he’s being really selfish about this. How should we resolve it?
Signed,
Give And Take
Dear Give And Take,
There are two different aspects of this I’d like to comment on. First, you’re right, basing what you’ll give each other on what you’ll get in return is unhelpful in a relationship, both in bed and out. If your boyfriend is enjoying oral sex and you kind of enjoy doing it (or you enjoy his enjoyment of it, at least), I think that’s sufficient reason to give it a place in your sexual repertoire. But that brings me to my second, slightly contradictory point: I think it’s the height of hypocrisy for your boyfriend to suggest doing it to you is gross, but your doing it to him is just fun. If anything is repulsive here, it’s that misogynistic double standard. I think you should call him on it. It may not be as simple as “he’s selfish,” but at the very least, I think he should really try to get past his initial immature reaction. If he does give it a sincere effort and just can’t for some reason, that’s one thing. But if he won’t even try, then yes, you have a selfish boyfriend. What you decide to do with that realization is up to you.
Dear John,
My husband and I have a toddler with serious food allergies, including nuts. At home, it’s no problem. The food she is allergic to is easy to avoid and we’ve gotten used to the steps we have to take to make sure she never eats anything that poses a threat. The problem is my husband’s parents. They have never really seemed to understand or take seriously my daughter’s condition. (One time they justified something they were serving while we were visiting by saying there was only a “tiny, tiny” amount of butter in it, which she is allergic to.) This situation was easy to monitor and control when she was a baby, but now that she’s a little older, they want her to come for longer visits, including overnight sleepovers. The thought of her being there without us to make sure everything’s okay is terrifying to me. My husband is less concerned, feels like his parents can manage the food issues, and is not the type to disappoint his parents or turn down their requests. We have argued quite a bit about it, but we can’t get beyond thinking the other is being completely unreasonable. Is there a compromise here I can’t see – one that won’t compromise my daughter’s health or safety, of course?
Sincerely,
Mom And Daughter-In-Law
Dear Mom And Daughter-In-Law,
You’re right to put your daughter’s safety above your husband’s reluctance to be firm with his parents. And from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound as if your concerns are unfounded. I think everyone – you and your husband, your daughter, and your in-laws – would benefit from extended visits, so I would take a few steps to ensure that they can happen with a minimum amount of anxiety for you. Tell them you and your husband want to stay over, too, for the first visit. Treat this visit as a crash course in all the things they have to consider when they’re taking care of an allergic child. Make sure the house is free of foods she’s allergic to. Ensure they know the symptoms of an allergic response and how to treat mild and severe reactions. If your child has been prescribed an Epipen, show them how to use it. Basically, by the time this visit is over, you should feel confident that your in-laws understand the gravity of allergies and know how to respond to any situations that might arise. If they scoff at this plan, let them know it’s a condition that has to be met before your daughter can sleep over. It’s that important. Overnight visits with her grandparents (and with friends in the future) will be good for your daughter’s social development, so you have to make sure your fear doesn’t prevent her from experiencing these things. The fact of the matter is it will undoubtedly be nerve-wracking when your daughter is out of your care. Such worry is just part of being a parent.
Dear John,
Recently my husband and I were walking through a mall and we saw a young woman (around fifteen I guess) really struggling to get her backpack on. It had somehow become entangled with the jacket she was wearing and she was having a hard time of it. My husband went over and, without saying anything to warn her of what he was about to do, attempted to help, or tried to. As soon as he had one hand on the backpack and one hand on the jacket, the girl flipped out. She yelled not to touch her, spun around so she could pull away, and made a general scene. Then her mother (I assume) came running out of a nearby store asking what was going on! People began to turn to look and my husband and I just got out of there as quickly as we could. I asked my husband what the hell he was thinking and he insisted (and insists) he did nothing wrong, he was just trying to help, and the girl overreacted. I think what he did showed terrible judgment, though. What do you think? Is he just being stubborn?
Signed,
Assisting Or Assault?
Dear Assisting Or Assault?,
Ah, thanks. I love the black and white questions. Your husband was clearly wrong. Why on earth wouldn’t he have simply asked the girl if she needed help before putting his hands on her? Who knows what may have happened to her in the past that might explain her “overreaction”? He sounds like one of those guys who has a hard time simply admitting he did something stupid. His heart was in the right place, but his hands certainly weren’t.
Photo credit: Flickr / socialspice.de
Well, I’ve been on the opposite end of give and take’s position (if you’ll pardon the pun) but I think there’s one thing we haven’t considered: The refractory period. You know, the denouement, Le Petit Mort… after he cums. From what I ready, “Give and Take” gave first, and then he tried it as he was coming down, and wasn’t so into it. For most of us guys, our drive, motivation and desire plummets drastically after the million or so little guys leave the nest, and “junior” decides to hunker down for the night. As a result, he may not… Read more »
Re: Give and Take Perhaps he finds it more of a chore to give her oral sex than she does giving him oral sex. That happens sometimes. It doesn’t mean that he’s a misogynist or a quitter or a whiner, but it does set up an asymmetry. Let’s look at it from the standpoint of creative problem solving. It’s not fair that he has a problem and you don’t. But, what are you going to do about it to fix the disparity? Telling him to get over it or giving an ultimatum is not the best approach. Think of it… Read more »
Well said Jimmy
Thanks man.
I beg to differ on the straightforwardness of sucking dick properly….Jimmy
My advice to men is to not try and mimic porn when going down on your partner. Those actors are simultaneously doing a camera angle as well – think of it as full mouth kissing down in Antarctica, and you’ll be on the right track.
You win, elissa. I have zero experience from that end.
And good job giving advice. Women don’t (for the most part) seem very interested in teaching men how to touch them.
Where do you get this? I’m an outlier on so many issues here, I get that, but it’s totally the responsibility of each person in a sexual relationship to clarify what works for them and to creatively collaborate to make things great.
It’s a performance thing. Men are expected to get their partners off, or they are less of a man for having failed.
Well, that’s a trope that needs to be killed. Each partner should be mutually involved in the off-getting of each other. If you just lay there, or don’t say anything, that’s bullshit. I’m 43 and have never expected anyone to read my mind.
Na its my experience. I’ve been with like 60+ chicks and not one took the initiative and said “touch me here, like this, etc. etc.”
Figuring out how a girl likes to be touched shouldn’t be like pulling teeth. It fucking saps all the fun out of it.
A lot of women feel inhibited about telling a guy “touch me here, do it that way” because (a) he might feel upset that she thinks he ‘s not doing it right, or ( b) he will think she’s too sexually experienced or slutty. Maybe silly fears but fears nonetheless
Not just silly but self-defeating. In my experience women like to make a guy “figure them out” not just in the sexual arena but in others as well. For example: she will be obviously upset but won’t tell you why.
Also in my experience you start off as a guy willing to try to figure women out, but after enough of them you just say fuck it. If she doesn’t want to tell me, then I really don’t care.
Here’s my honest advice for any woman about getting a man to enjoy oral sex: Nobody likes doing something they aren’t good at. Fellatio is pretty straightforward (maybe not easy) and even if you’re terrible at it a man will usually give you a phenomenal amount of encouragement 🙂 Oral sex on a woman can be pretty confusing for a guy. There’s a lot going on down there and so many different things you could and maybe should do. Also, most women (at least the ones I’ve known) aren’t too vocal at all about what they like or don’t like… Read more »
Seriously? Is it so difficult to say “do you need help?” before grabbing onto someone without their consent? I’ve heard that this kind of thing happens to people with disabilities all the time, and it’s very disrespectful. Just ask first.
I know it always scares me a bit when people touch me without permission, even friendly people who just want a hug.
While I think the guy in that story should have asked her if she needed help, I also wouldn’t help a woman myself. I think of that poor father who saw those two girls walking in a snowstorm without jackets and asked them if they needed help and they turned around and called the cops and filed charges against him.
I mean I’d feel terrible if a woman was being attacked or raped but it’s just too risky to help her. I’d call the police or something but I would never intervene because she’d probably accuse me of something.
I guess we can live in fear (Men in fear that a random -or known- woman might accuse them of assault, even though the vast majority won’t/women in fear that a random -or known- man might assault them even though the vast majority of them won’t) or we can live with a kind of trusting caution and work in collaboration to try to keep our communities more safe. The choice is personal, but I’d rather live in a world where I chat up strangers on an elevator and help people in need (even if there is a risk to myself)… Read more »
not that there aren’t other things to live in fear of. My son keeps telling me to be terrified of mosquitos due to how easily malaria spreads. I can’t worry about that right now.
I think you have to pick and choose your fears. For me freedom is the most valuable thing I have and going to prison is one of my greatest fears. I know that I can mostly avoid going to prison by not breaking the law but I also know that the most likely way that I will be falsely accused of something I didn’t do, is a woman falsely accusing me of sexual assault. So I’m not afraid of much but I fear that because I love being free and I don’t want to be attacked and raped in prison.… Read more »
Those are remarkable fears, Jimmy.
But Julie, if you look at the statistics on false rape claims you’ll see that it’s happening all the time. And if you look at the number of men raped in American prisons each year (>900,000) you’ll see that that’s a reality, not an exception. Especially as a white male (the most targetted race) and especially if you get labeled as a “skinner” (someone who committed a crime against a woman or a child). Three thousand men are going to get raped today in prison and they will most likely be young and white. Those fears are only remarkable to… Read more »
Remarkable doesn’t mean I don’t believe you. Or that I don’t understand it. Or that I don’t find the situations in prisons abhorrent, unusual and cruel, and absolutely wrong. I do find it abhorrent and the idea that anyone is subjected to it makes me doubt humanity.
See my following post.
I notice so often how offended and hurt men get with the terms of rape culture or schrodinger’s rapist or the fears that some women have that every. man. she. meets. could be the one that rapes her. It seems paranoid to me for women to assume that about every man, though in a sense hey! It’s possible right? We, as women, just don’t know when this nice person we know might assault you, or that kind seeming man at the gas station might follow you home. And they fear not being believed, or being asked questions like, “What were… Read more »
Tl;DR
No one knows who is a good person and who just looks like one. Doesn’t matter the gender, sexual orientation or any of that. All any of us can do is decide how much connection we want in this world and how much we are willing to risk in order to get that, and how collaborative of a life we want in general.
Rape is bad, evil, wrong. Period. Lying about it? Also completely evil and wrong. Full stop.
I guess it also means I’m not willing to live my life afraid that every man I see is some evil bogeyman who will rape me. I know that’s not true. (or frankly, that any woman I meet might not freak the hell out on me and try to ruin my life, cause women pull that shit on women too). I don’t know who the bad human beings are, but I can’t live in fear that everyone I meet is out to get me.
You might feel very differently if you had ever been actually raped. Or, as in my own case, accused of being a rapist. Once bitten, twice shy, and for good reason. Females who are raped are generally seen as victims. Males who are unfairly accused of rape are generally seen as rapists.
I’ve had ample history with negative sexual moments both myself and with close friends, colleagues and peers. Rape, assault all kinds of things. Other things too, that have gravely affected my life. I have to choose to live life as I want it lived. That’s pretty much all I can do.
I’ve lived my life really openly too until recently, I get it from my mom who could probably make friends with a rock. A friend’s son did something incredibly stupid and posted some pictures online of two girls he was sleeping with. They didn’t like that and they both accused him of rape. He was convicted and sent away and only after did the girls admit that they were lying. But it was too late. What he did was stupid and insensitive but he didn’t rape anyone. He’s just a fucking kid and now he’s so scared and he’s probably… Read more »
I’m incredibly sorry to hear that miscarriage of justice. Does his family have any recourse? This sounds like something that needs to be highlighted. Perhaps there could be a way to spur a legal action through online petitioning and such.
I can only imagine how terrifying this must have been to watch, and it’s absolutely wrong to place someone in jail for a crime they have not committed. PErhaps there are folks here reading that can be of assistance?
They’re working on an appeal but by the time that kid gets out of prison he’s going to be a different person.
Needs media to highlight. I’m not a lawyer but is it possible to get articles written? If they lied and admitted it to the court I’m not sure why he’d be I jail.
He was already convicted and sentenced and now the only option is appeal but that takes time. I’d never take it to the media because I don’t think he or his parents want that and it’s really not my place. I only know that my close friend was recently in prison and he saw this kid. He said he was so scared he was shaking and the kid was asking him for help. My friend couldn’t help him because he was a “skinner” and by associating with him he would be a target. But he told him that he had… Read more »
“I hear women talk about institutionalized rape and sex-slaves but it’s like they have no clue what goes on in our prisons or they just don’t care.” Well this is off topic of the original article…but I just had to reply. The first time I’d ever heard anyone talk about how horrible our prisons are (outside of t.v. or my dad who was a cop) was in a gender & sexuality studies class and it was a woman who was talking about it. She was, and probably still is, an advocate for prisoner rights in New York. I think that… Read more »
So my take on this as a parent is that if there were two people that admitted lying, I’d move hell and earth to get that pushed through and by damn whatever people thought of me. Honestly, Jimmy, this is outrageous. This is exactly the kind of thing that NEEDS to be exposed. People lying to put others in jail? Should be punished.
It also makes me think of how women and men who have been assaulted by one gender often see that potential in all the gender. There are mirrors here, and I wish I knew how to help break a few down. Not all men are rapists, this we know. Not all women will accuse.
But the fear remains on both sides.
Yea I mean it’s why I don’t blame women who are afraid of men. If they know men have attacked women then they have every right to fear men. We fear things that threaten us. It’s strange because I walk down a dark street in a tough neighborhood and I’m not afraid, I’m aware but I know I can protect myself. I see a woman falsely accuse another man of rape and it scares the living shit out of me because I can’t protect myself. It’s like having your hands tied in a fight with everyone against you.
Hey I guess you can’t kill instinct. Someone just pulled the emergency brake on the subway and my hand shot out to catch two women who were about to go flying. They didn’t accuse me of rape. Go figure.
Duh, that’s cause you didn’t do anything wrong. You did something helpful.
We both know they could have accused me of sexual assault and probably could have had me convicted and thrown in prison.
I do not know that actually. You didn’t assault them. You helped them. Given that no one HAS come at you, we know that they were decent people happy for the help.
I remember my days in criminal law class where sexual assault was being discussed. As it stands, your best bet is get consent in writing. Everything else is a bit iffy (i.e. a conviction can still result). Of course, this is in a different jurisdiction than the U.S. where the GMP is based, but the laws here are quite comparable. That said, I’m pretty sure the prison rape scenario is quite comparable too. Men are not entirely off base to fear getting involved with women. That way lies a certain danger from the legal system. And other people’s children? Jeez,… Read more »
I wouldn’t really call it fear. I’ve just been conditioned to never ever touch a woman unless she touches me first. I’ve internalized this rule. I know that if I break this rule that I will be harshly punished so I obey it untu death. The question is one of risk. If I try to save some woman in trouble, I will be helping another human being and possibly saving a life. But what if in pushing her out of harm’s way I inadvertently grab her breast? I could be thrown in prison where I would be attacked and raped.… Read more »
I don’t think it’s as simple as “fear” either. I lived in a horrific domestic violence situation with my ex. When I left I had some issues with PTSD. I continue to be quite easily startled and don’t like when people sneak up on me though my reactions are not catastrophic anymore. My coworkers take great pleasure in my startle response though. If someone were to walk up behind me while I was trying to my bag and my jacket and everything untangled and concentrating on that I likely would have a startle response. If it was back when I… Read more »
I actually go out of my way to talk to or say hi or at the very least smile at strangers. For one thing, acknowledging their presence makes my life less awkward, because I don’t like doing that “I’m not paying attention to you” thing where you pretend they don’t exist and you fight the impulse to look at them. Too much cognitive dissonance. It’s just easier for me to smile or say hi. But frankly, I feel safer when I talk to randoms, because then with the ice broken, it allows some space for both people to be at… Read more »
It would not have mattered if he had asked. The reaction, or overreaction, would’ve been the same.
The world has changed. It’s no longer safe or wise to come to the aid of strangers without being asked no matter how well intended or how much they appear to be in need, unless it’s certain that they face imminent death. And even then it’s wise to be cautious so this kind of thing or worse does not occur. As shown here “fools rush in.”
We see news story after news story lately about people who just watch as a woman is raped and no one does anything. And people wonder “How could all those guys just sit there and do nothing. Because IMHO, too many people like the OP who says “What the guy did was clearly wrong”. No it wasn’t, for gods sake look at context , crowded mall, someone was ‘stuck’ , tried to help. Huge scene. I wonder though , would such as scene have been made if that was a woman who tried to help.
@to the girl who over-reacted. Yup, that will teach a man to try and help. And people wonder why that guy in England didn’t help that toddler on the side of the road who later died. John: Really he was trying to help, jeez. Are we really creating a world where a man who is trying to do the right thing by helping gets berated for doing so. Of course next time I bet this guy won’t be so eager to help, even if the next time is a poor girl getting raped and no one will help. Jeez, I… Read more »
A toddler and a 15 year old teenage girl are two completely different things. She has agency, and he didn’t bother to ask the girl if she needed help before putting his hands on her. Most people do not like to be touched by strangers. He touched her without permission, and even though his intentions were good, he still wasn’t respecting her boundaries or personal space. I know I wouldn’t like it if a stranger came up to me and just started touching me, even if they were trying to help me. That would make me really uncomfortable. The same… Read more »
It isn’t the toddler you have to worry about. It’s the other adults who might see you decide that they, too, need to ‘help’. Only in their case, they’ll ‘help’ by bashing in the head of the ‘pervert’ they see ‘accosting’ that toddler.
Yea but I’ll point out that as a man if you geek out about a strange girl touching you, you get treated like you’re insane.
“Misogynistic “. What is misogynistic about not wanting to give her head but enjoying it from her. It is hypocritical but jeez, some on. He doesn’t HATE WOMEN because he doesn’t like giving ORAL sex.
Oh wait, misogynistic doesn’t mean “Hating women”, oh wait again, YES IT DOES.
Of course in this day and age , anytime something is done TO women (or in this case NOT done) is women hating.
Are people really trying to get rid of this word by using it for EVERY little slight to the point where it becomes meaningless.
And it’s funny that I’ve never seen anyone who calls not wanting to do cunnilingus for misogynistic call not wanting to give a man oral sex for misandric.
There are lots of reasons one person might have trouble with a particular sex act. It’s only misandric or misogynistic if the person refusing says that they hate the other gender’s bits or that they don’t deserve pleasure etc. We are missing information right now from the writer. Sounds like both are very inexperienced and yes, he might have some kind of hang up about girl parts but we don’t know that for certain. Whatever “gross” is, is unexplained.
Thinking that a woman’s genitals are “gross” but a man’s aren’t gross seems a little misogynistic.
You think the guy in this story hates women, really. that is what you think.
All I know is that he thinks his girlfriend’s ladybits are gross (whatever that might mean to him) but at the same time, he doesn’t see any problem with her giving HIM oral sex. He doesn’t think THAT’S gross, apparently…. So he’s not gross, but she is…. I said it seems “a little bit” misogynistic.
I guess my question would be…if he liked giving and she hated giving back (thought it was gross), would that be a little bit misandric? If not, why?
Personally, I think both terms would be overused here and that they should cut each other some slack as they try to gain experience, but I also think we are missing some information.
@Sarah Radford: No, that isn’t misogynistic, he might just not like her lady parts, that doesn’t mean he hates ALL women, that is misogynistic means. Which I think is what janets point was, that we as a society are seeing misogyny in every little think to do with women.
calling someone a misogynist is shaming language and IMHO, is simply a way of saying “Sit down and STFU”
You may feel that way but it is an inappropriate use of the word “Misogynist” For instance, thinking a vagina is gross doesn’t require that you hate women. If a woman thinks vaginas are gross does that mean she hates women? If he thinks her vagina is gross but likes other women’s vaginas does that mean he hates women? If he likes her vagina but just thinks the taste is gross does that mean he hates women? If he doesn’t like cunnilingus but also doesn’t like receiving felatio does that mean that he doesn’t hate women? I hope you see… Read more »
DING!!! DING!!! DING!!!
Jimmy for the win!
The word misogyny is one of those words that’s becoming overused these days. Seriously. If it’s to retain any meaning at all, it can’t be used willy nilly to describe everything. Please don’t turn it into another meaningless word like “terrorist” or “porn.”
As for the douche who won’t go down on the girlfriend, get over it and do it with enthusiam you whiny little female dog. Once she starts screaming you’ll love it!
😀
The Wet One
Finding the act of oral sex gross doesn’t mean a man hates women. We don’t know from the letter what the “gross” issue actually is. There are lots of things that people don’t want to do in bed, but not wanting to do them doesn’t necessarily indicate hatred of men or women.
I know plenty of women who find giving oral sex to men “gross.” And that seems to be somewhat socially acceptable in some circles. So I don’t find anything remotely odd about a man not wanting to go down on a woman. And really there are a whole herd of females and males who don’t find putting their mouths down there on either gender to be that attractive. Not everyone is liberated sexually. Anyhow that being said there is not nearly enough info in that letter to really offer any real help in this situation. She admitted they at they… Read more »
A previous boyfriend of mine really disliked giving oral because he found the idea to be gross (not necessarily for taste/smell as he said that I didn’t really have any). I’m more of a giver in general and liked giving him oral though he felt increasingly guilty about receiving pleasure when he wasn’t willing to reciprocate. He liked getting oral but didn’t want me to give after a while because of the guilt. He was generally less interested in sex than I was and the issue with oral sex just made things more tense. Eventually he told me that I… Read more »
Sarah, unless a woman is extremely diligent in her hygiene, giving her oral sex can be quite a challenge. Not fair, not fair…I can hear it now. True enough, it’s alot easier for a guy to keep his penis clean. That’s just how it is. The woman who writes this letter has said that she and the guy are shy, as well as inexperienced. Instead of throwing words like “misogynist” around, it would be more helpful (and ultimately successful) in the long run to simply assume she isn’t keeping herself clean enough, and it can be smelly and bad tasting… Read more »
It would, if we knew that was the issue. Now I”m not throwing the M word around either. But perhaps he’s got issues other than smell or taste. Maybe it’s a mental thing, or it’s a body fluid thing in general, who knows. We don’t know and unless we do, my advice would be to ask him directly what’s gross about it and then address the subject.
Also? Male parts can smell and taste pretty darn bad as well, if not maintained. They may be easier to clean but that doesn’t mean they are being kept clean.
Really?
Then, per your logic homosexual men are misogynistists.
Agreed. It’s a simple-minded and absurd practice to call everything that is a slight or a selfish attitude (such as this) to be evidence that an individual hates all females. If he hated all women, wouldn’t there have been other signs?
However, it has become politically correct. By contrast, never have I seen the opposite referred to as evidence that the woman hates all men.