A troubled household left Sherri Rosen with a sexually objectifying outlook, little promise for meaningful relationships, and a long road toward recovery.
When I was a little girl I was afraid of men, mainly because of what my sister, my mom, and my dad told me in casual conversation. Mom: “Your dad never listens to me, he always does what he damn well pleases. He’s weak.” My sister: “Don’t trust men. Don’t sleep with them until you know for sure they are going to stick around. They never tell you the truth.” Dad: “Mom says you need to lose weight.” I used to see dad’s photo in the newspapers with lots of shoe models he worked with.
I used to wonder to myself why I objectified men. I realized I never had any positive role models in my family. I was always told how amazing my dad was. And though my mom and sister were always admiring of others’ look, physique, or age, I never heard them speak kindly about other men or women.
I asked myself, “What is the difference between being attracted to a man and wanting to sleep with him, and wanting him as your friend?” I’ve had guys say to me, “I want to be your lover, but I don’t want to be your friend.” Hearing that, I had to make the decision of whether to stay or leave because I knew it was just about the sex, even if they said they loved me.
Guys were my friends growing up, but every time I would talk about them to my dad, he would make fun of them, saying, “You can do better than that. He’s an idiot. Why do you want to go out with him?” Slowly, I began to believe what he was saying. Plus, I had a feeling that my dad was screwing around with other women. Many years later, I found out this was true—and that he had a five-year liaison with a woman, and had a son with her that he sent away, never to be heard from again.
I saw my mother dress seductively and get loads of attention from men, but I also saw that she was scared of the attention and couldn’t handle it. She would turn around and get angry at men for making suggestive remarks to her. She once wore this amazing, shimmering blue dress that had fringes from top to bottom. She was curvaceous, had jet black hair, and white, white skin. She looked incredible, but I could see she wasn’t comfortable in her body.
That self-consciousness transferred onto me, and it took me years to realize that I was beautiful, that I had great breasts and attractive curves. So I began to objectify myself. I felt this was the only way: objectify me, and objectify men. I couldn’t see me and didn’t know them. It was just all about sex. I loved sex and wanted to have it all the time. I began to dress seductively, wear no bra, dye my hair bright red—and wonder why I was getting so much sexual attention in the streets.
Of course, my objectification was there because of fear. Because the objectification remained in my relationships, it didn’t allow me to be truly intimate and get to know my lover, even if we were married or living together. Objectification became a business deal in my relationships. You do for me; I’ll do for you. It was all about manipulation and control. There was no room for love and trust.
♦◊♦
Many years later, in the mid 90’s, I went to live for two years at a Tibetan Buddhist Retreat Center in Barnet, Vermont. My life was a mess. Therapy helped somewhat, but I still didn’t like who I was. I felt like I was only good for sex—and I thought the same about men.
But that changed. Malik befriended me when I first moved up there. We spoke daily. We began to develop a trust for one another that turned into a romance. It was the first time I had a relationship that was based upon friendship, love, and feeling safe. We even moved in together when we returned to New York City. But it was a troubling relationship. It was clear that he was so attached to his mother that there was no room for me. Consequently, relationships didn’t become any less confusing.
Today, I appreciate men’s bodies, and love to look at gorgeous men and their butts, hands, and eyes. It feels great when I am sexually attracted to them, but there is an appreciation—not an objectification. I love men of all colors, ages, nationalities, and I finally have the awareness and ability to see past the package and get to know the man.
And, to see if he’s a good man.
—Photo istolethetv/Flickr
About Sherri Rosen
Dear GMP:
Still waiting for a photo of a man with chest hair or body haid of any kind besides on his face. Anyone else notice this common hairless theme among the photos of well-built men?
Does lifting weights tear out your chest hair somehow? How does this happen?
Hi, I wanted to respond to you regarding the photo that GMP chose. I think it goes along with the flavor of the article. That this is what people objectify. The hairless bods, lots of muscles, etc. I have a feeling they purposely chose this one for the article.
Great article, really makes me think. I appreciate the insights shared on the GMP site about men, woman, and relationships, and this article is no exception… As an overweight woman, it angers me that men will reject me for being heavy, as much as it does that they may be attracted to me for the same reason – either way, they’re not looking past my appearance. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t objectify men myself – I’ll go in the opposite direction, and question whether a stunningly handsome man has anything else going for him, or would seriously be interested in someone like me… I think everyone objectifies, whether we’re conscious of it or not – it’s something that’s ingrained in our culture, whether or not we also got those messages growing up (which I did). The important thing is to be aware of it. And I understand about having “preferences”, but where do we cross the line. I think fear has a lot to do with it: objectifying people keeps us from getting close and being vulnerable, and thus from getting hurt. But it’s an illusion of security: the trade-off is strained, judgemental, and disappointing relationships based on assumptions of what people should be, and not because of an appreciation of who they actually are.
Thanks Amy R. I think you are right on about everyone objectifies and most people don’t even realize they are doing it. That’s one of the reason I wrote the article to bring more awareness to this.
Sherri, I find this is a very interesting and enlightening experience that you’ve had with objectification, as it is the complete opposite of mine. Fascinating, and so well put. I learned a lot. Thank you.
I was targeted and bullied and tortured (Obviously, I am well past this.) as The Ugly Girl throught my school career, until college, and had a gorgeous little sister to “contend” with as well, so for me, for a very long time, no beauty mattered except that which people had on the outside. However, when I was young, though I envied them what I was sure were their easy and wonderful and pimpleless lives, I found most people who were beautiful on the outside to be ugly on the inside. If nothing else, they, these popular people (for in school, beauty = popularity, usually), were mean to those who didn’t share their fortune in being born beautiful. So, I hated them, the beautiful, popular girls, and was terrified of their male counterparts, for it was the latter who teased me so hurtfully.
This, along with parents who loved me but were, and still are, generally indifferent as to who I am and all that means, led me to rush into a marriage at a very young age, for very bad reasons. I am still in this marriage, and I love my husband dearly, but if I had not objectified myself as unworthy, and him, for a long time, of being, well, God (When you are 19, and your boyfriend is 32, and you are complete opposites in terms of almost everything, not to mention how you think about yourselves, and who the hell knows who one is at 19, anyway, it is . . . not an easy road.), I think things would have gone a lot differently. Better, worse, I don’t know. But differently.
But the objectification I learned to do, and to receive, early on in life still affects me today, especially sexually–as this is, I believe, where we are our true selves, no matter what. This is not all my doing–actually, it’s mostly not, which makes it all even harder because you cannot control how others feel about you–but I know it has had an effect. It’s an ongoing battle, to see myself as so many others now see me, or say they see me–as an attractive woman on the inside and the outside. It’s a battle to realize that no matter what anybody thinks of my looks, or my sexual attractiveness, or my insides, I am okay. I am, as Amy R says, I am ENOUGH. It’s a battle.
I suspect it will always be.
That’s great Nicole that you can say that you now feel you are enough. We would never get that kind of support from others. It has to come from within us. I know for years, when I was younger, I would bitch and complain about guys objectifying me,never having a clue that I was doing it to myself and others.
I had a similar experience with beautiful/popular girls in highschool and myself being an overweight male. Lots and lots of bullying from both genders, and i too didn’t trust beautiful people. I now have some very beautiful friends I have gotten to know and they changed my perceptions a lot, they are so nice and sweet and it tore down all of these stereotypes I had of people and can now see how individual we are.
Sadly, and this is hard to admit, I think the experience of objectification and physical looks has harmed my ability to be attracted to overweight women. I was bullied so much for being overweight that I ended up hating fat and was taught that thin was beautiful, I do find much less attraction to overweight women to the point of none for obese women and have noticed this same trend in quite a few women of my generation towards overweight men. We all have preferences but I simply wonder how much of it gets harmed by how we grow up, where a trait is seen as negative and this sticks with us as adults. I feel like an asshole because I am not attracted to many overweight women, but I have no idea if this was my natural attraction all along or if it’s simply culture/experience that does it. On one hand it’s meant to be shallow, but on the other hand we all have preferences and can’t force ourselves to be attracted to a body type. I’ve tried to force myself to like someone who liked me, spent time together and nothing I could do could change my feelings and I’ve probably beat myself up over it since. I know it’s not politically correct what I feel, I just have no idea whether it’s bad to have that preference.
I’ve met overweight women who’ve shared the same preference for people who aren’t overweight, I think it’s a sad thing our society does with such a very narrow view of what beauty is because humans are very diverse in body shapes and sizes. But luckily I do know there are many people who actually prefer bigger women, I’ve heard from a thin woman that she loved overweight men and thin men loving overweight women and every mix of characteristic under the sun, so I am thankful people seem to be quite diverse in what they are attracted to….I just hope we aren’t harming attraction with narrow views of beauty
Archy when I have fallen in love sometimes the men have been handsomes and sometimes not. I know that I totally appreciate beauty in both men and women and I have no guilt about it.
Thank-you. I have a feeling it won’t matter when I find love again, after being told though how shallow it is especially for a man to prefer thinner women it does make you question yourself and feel overly guilty. I dared mentioning it to a woman once and got my head bitten off, and then she mentioned how muscley men were meatheads and bad and she only liked bigger guys because they were nice…I guess she associates personality in body type much like I use to. I’m getting to the point where basically stuff it, like whatever you like and be happy with that.
Right on!
I think the photo illustrating this article says it all. ‘Objectification’ is unavoidable, and not harmful in the main. So why worry so much about it? I objectify men. But these days, men objectify each other and themselves! Look at facebook with all the photos from men’s cameras of their buff bodies. Or youtube where they upload their workout videos. Culture is Metrosexy now! reference to Metrosexy the book (2011) by Mark Simpson.
I just don’t feel it’s something that works for me.
There are two kinds of “objectification.” The feminist contrivance employed to beat men over the heads with and vilify male sexuality and then there is the real kind. The picture above is the feminist kind but with roles reversed… in other words a sexualized picture of a dude rather than a female.
The 2nd kind and the kind that Sherri is most likely confessing to is the real type. At it’s worse real objectification might be cuckoldry or for example, Arnold Schwarzenegger using a famous Kennedy as a political instrument while making babies with the help.
The post and its photo representation are a mismatch.
Nice article… your experience seem like a reflection of our society.
Yes in a shallow kind of way
I appreciated the naked (no pun intended:) honesty with which you shared your experiences and resulting perceptions. Beauty in men and women looks all kinds of ways and what is attractive for one person may not be for another. As a seasoned woman of 53, I have been with partners all different body types; some larger than me, some more compact. One thing they had in common were their beautiful hearts. Over the years, my body has changed from an itsy bitsy swimmer’s physique begining in my teens into my 20′s and 30′s to a well rounded Goddess body in my 40′s to shedding more than 40 pounds and becoming more muscular and fit from gym ‘playouts’ now that I am in my 50′s. When I was in the ‘Goddess stage’, I had no complaints(: Confidence is sexy. Do I like to look at men I find attractive and fantasize? Absolutely. Is that objectification? I don’t think so.
Like I said Edie. There is a huge difference between objectifying and appreciating. There is a maturity and confidence that comes with some people with aging and I think the objectifying goes out the window and the deliciousness of appreciation is invited into the party. And what a party that is
Yes, truly I understand what your saying. How your grown up really does have a effect on who you become in life. You’ve grown up around it so you don’t want to see for myself what that life is all about. But also we all change over a period of time after our own personal experiences in life. They help to open our eyes to many things. So that we won’t end up going through that same struggle. It makes us stronger but then Again it holds us back because in life we don’t have it in us to take certain risks and that’s what life’s all about. So it will be up to you if you’ll be willing to move on, look pass it all and be a risk taker because I’m sure no one wants to live a lonely life. Even if you have allot of family behind you they can’t fulfill all of your wishes and desires in life. And no matter the age right now you still have time to try. Sorry about your experiences though and the effect that they had on you. But like they said words alone are powerful enough to cause so much damage to persons life and mentality.
Jonathan it’s the most amazing gift that I have is that I do not give up! I may fail a lot but I don’t give up. I know he’s out there!
Thanks Sherri,
Reading this is thought provoking as I have always felt an ambivalence about the whole “wanting a man as a sexual object thing.” I grew up wanting their jobs. Flint McCullough on Wagon Train….Right on through all of the manual labor jobs from operating fork lifts to sharing locker rooms with the guys. The word objectification actually led me to thinking how I objectify trees. I have a certain thought about how trees manifest to me, and it’s quite lovely and a healthy relationship. And often there is no subject/object at all – which is what people say is this great thing about sex. So, I’m 58 and to this day have never had a sexual experience with a man that left me with anything more than: “Huh? Where’s the big deal here?”
Not that I didn’t pursue men for other reasons of completion. “Let’s finish this story or that story…” With people in general, it seems I get close to someone to finish a part of my story. And no matter how often I recognize this, in the beginning I don’t see it. It always takes a while and then I recognize a feeling of struggle, and there it is. Again.
So, it seems, I objectify everything. Except when I’m not. Definitely a thought provoking article, Sherri. Thanks,
Steph
In all of this letting go of objectifying it’s allowed me an intimate relationship with myself. I have had some amazing sexual experiences with men; where I have even felt so close to God, but I have never been with a man who is in that same intimate place that I am in. We will see.
Awesome article!
Thanks johnny
Thank you GMP for giving women a voice on their issues. Now I’ll read Cosmopolitan for men issues.
Hey dude this is a safe place to have a dialogue about issues you feel unimportant for you but not for many others
Sherri
What you wrote was very raw, open and honest and I applaud you for being so open and sharing your family life and how it affected you with regard to your outlook on men, sex and yourself.
At this stage of my life and where I currently stand, although I do enjoy men, being physical with them, and being in the company of men, I’m not interested in getting into a relationship. I’m fortunate to be in a FWB situation and enjoying amazing sex with this person without all the complications that come with being in a relationship. I get to enjoy “being in the moment” without the distractions that come with being in a relationship with someone so that I can stay focused on growing and building my brand and taking my brand to the next level.
Once I achieve my business goals, perhaps my view about being in a relationship will change
Yeah, I had the FWB for a long time and it was great, but it seems to be fading away, so I am in this open space of not knowing what will happen next.
We will see. Glad you appreciated my honesty.