It’s necessary to consider what we believe we’re obliged to do in our marriage, and what the consequences are when we fail.
Once upon a time, most of us conceived of a safe place called Marriage. We were young, we were naive, and we were idealistic.
In our future partners, don’t we imagine a certain belonging? Don’t we ascribe almost magical powers to the union? We’re certain we’ll be unconditionally loved, no longer alone in the world, stronger as part of team, and stronger still in bearing children and creating a family unit.
But marriage is not a fairy tale. Dreams and reality collide. Some relationships evolve with maturity, while other relationships decay or explode.
The slow death of a marriage? It has origins.
The seemingly sudden destruction? There are signs.
So what then do we mean when we take those vows – to love, to honor, to cherish? What do we owe ourselves, once embarked on that journey?
Obligation
Marriage is a contract, and naturally there is a notion of obligation in any agreement involving two individuals and the promises they exchange. There is a premise of reliance. There is a premise of responsibility. Duty (or fulfillment of expectations) and accountability (consequences) are both are part of the picture.
Yes, consequences.
- If you give me your word, you are obliged to keep it. If you don’t follow through, I’m unlikely to trust you. That is the consequence.
- If we oblige our children to do their homework, when they don’t, there are bad grades and lost privileges. Those are the consequences.
I also believe we owe ourselves the ability to remain who we are; we will evolve, we will compromise, but we need to retain a “self” even in marriage.
Obligation as a Societal Issue
As a society, we seem to balk at the notion of obligation. We ignore it when we no longer want to abide by it. We gloss over it in marriage. We go for the easy excuse and the quick fix, which mitigate against the likelihood of any successful partnership, certainly over the long term.
It is reasonably assumed that affection is part of the marital commitment. It is reasonably assumed that sex is part of the marital commitment. But then many things are reasonably assumed, and that doesn’t make them achievable.
Once, it was assumed that the wife put her family first; she gave up her job (if she had one), she set aside interests (during the baby years especially); she put her husband’s career ahead of her own.
In the past decades, that has changed for many couples. Yet for some, the legacy of the “traditional” model of marriage has left confusing and conflicting expectations.
Me First, You Second, “Us” Third?
An obligation to hang onto “ourselves” when mired in marriage and child-rearing? The exhausting juggle of kids and jobs and a spouse?
What about the fact that I put kids first in that question, jobs next, and spouse last? If I do so unconsciously in this writing, what does that say about me? What does it say about our society?
The fatigue of that juggle is very real, but so is the marriage – the need for both parties to put the “other” first at various points in time.
So why has it become standard to let ourselves off the hook in the name of “Personal Happiness?” Does obligation to the self always trump obligation to the spouse, or the marriage?
When did it become uncool to sacrifice – for an hour, for a week, for a year – and I don’t mean losing oneself; I firmly believe in negotiating workable compromises based on each couple’s needs and the needs of their family unit. But don’t good relationships require a degree of unselfishness?
Why is it that we’re determined to become the heroes in our own stories, but we’ve lost the capacity to become the hero in another person’s story – and likely the one we vowed to cherish?
Marriage Vows… Say What?
What exactly are we promising as we flash our smiles, join our hands, and exchange those rings?
Is kindness part of the deal? What about honesty?
Is there an assumption of a tidy house, a paid mortgage, entertaining friends?
Is respect a given, or a matter of convenience? Is sex a given, or only if we’re not tired? And if sex goes by the wayside, is it simplistic to say we’d be better off taking in a roommate, hiring a sitter, or engaging a housekeeper?
Do you know what you owe your spouse? Does she know what you believe is owed? Where do you stand on the division or sharing of marital contributions?
- What about bringing income into the family unit?
- What about the time and work of running the household?
- Is everything negotiable in a relationship, as long as both parties agree to it?
- If one party changes the rules of the game, can the other simply walk away?
- Don’t good relationships require a concerted effort that we keep our word?
We all know that we can’t legislate morality (though we try), and we can’t legislate emotions (does marriage try?). But some couples dispense with far more than physical intimacy; they dispense with respect, they dispense with basic communication, they act as though little of the original elements of the marital agreement have any applicability whatsoever.
As I enjoy an increasingly relaxed and rewarding relationship at present, although I am not feeling compelled to be married, I’m attentive to why things are going so well. I am focused on my partner’s needs as well as my own, and aware that the “couple” must also be nurtured. It is a delicate balancing act, the nature of which requires willingness to question, and constant communication.
As for obligations, you may bristle at my use of the term, but “owing” is not a dirty word. It’s about moving beyond fairy tales, and understanding the importance of honoring our commitments.
Photo by Newtown graffiti.
This article originally appeared at Daily Plate of Crazy.
EXCELLENT topic and ideas D. It seems marriage is not for the meek or the young. It was only with age that I came to appreciate the commitment involved. My marriage at age 50 is finally working and here’s why: First I had to learn how to love myself unconditionally. First rule of marriage: marry the right person. Who is that? Someone who feels absolute and unconditional love for you, and someone you actually DO care about more than yourself in a deep and meaningful way. My first mistake was in not realizing exactly how RARE that kind of relationship… Read more »
It sounds like you got very lucky, @Laura Lee! Making marriage work isn’t always easy, and of course, step one is marrying the right person! I do think we believe we’re marrying the right person when we take those vows, but we may not have lived enough (or been in a relationship with that person long enough) to fully know what we’re in for. And of course, life tosses us surprises – good and bad – that may bring us closer or split us apart. But knowing oneself is a great place to start, I think. And the advantage of… Read more »
I think most of us mean our vows when we say them, but we have no idea what things like “poor” and “sickness” really mean…until they happen.
Only now with some age under my belt do I understand the concept of seasons in a life and in a marriage. Just like real seasons, some seasons are harder than others. I know I am not the best at self-sacrifice (okay, I flat out suck at it), but sometimes marriage does require you to suck it up.
Excellent points, @Chloe and @Walker. Most marry young, and don’t have any tangible sense of what a life as a committed couple means unless their own parents offer a strong model. Some of us marry later (as in my example – 30+), which affords more knowledge of the world and possibly more reasonable expectations. But that’s still no guarantee. One may know what “sick,” “poor” and “honor” involve; the other may have different ideas. Did either of you have good role models in your parents? What concerns me is that half our kids of this generation likely will / do… Read more »
Walker, you might appreciate this article: https://goodmenproject.com/trending/a-perfect-age-for-marriage/
As a new bride of 22, I gave little thought to what I was committing to…it was what a young woman was expected to do. At 58, divorced and in the dating world I have different ideas and a clearer understanding of the work it takes to sustain a relationship–and it does require both partners to feel an obligation, on some level, to attend their partner. We are not responsible for another’s happiness, but we can and should show our love and our commitment by caring–showing up, listening, supporting, asking how we can be of help and taking time for… Read more »
You bring up so many good points, D. First, I wonder how many of us go into our marriages thinking about let alone discussing these expectations and “obligations.” I know that for me marriage was just a continuation of dating. I never really had any conversation even with myself as to what marriage really meant for me. And it showed, because I have been very immature and very selfish during various times in my marriage. My husband, who is older and who’s already gone through a failed marriage before, has carried the wisdom that you talk about here. I remember… Read more »
@Cecilia, You specifically raise the issue your husband mentioned – of trying to make him happy. In other words, in the Self, Spouse, Couple equation, thinking about the Spouse and his happiness. Then you mention putting his needs ahead of your own – doing it more, and that it’s making both of you happier. That seems to work when both partners do the same. They put themselves first some of the time, the other first some of the time, and – in my opinion – that leads to the couple staying strong, or at least, stronger. Do you note that… Read more »
I think you’re talking two different lines of thought, Mr. Belle. Do we marry (in the first place, or second, or third) because we feel obliged to do so? Once married, how much of our course of action is determined by obligation as opposed to desire/want? When we fulfill any contract or exchange, we are acting in concert with a promise or vow. Ideally, that action is something we want, or at least, it’s not unpleasant. If every act / kindness / exchange between two people in a couple feels more like carrying out an obligation, that’s a very different… Read more »
I wonder how many would look at their marriage or relationship and say that they didn’t do it because they were obliged to do it but they did it because they wanted to do it? Is the day we stop wanting and start feeling obliged the start of the end? If not, a sign we should do something about it?
No argument from me – on any of it, @Shar.
I do think our expectations of marriage have changed enormously – and not for the better. 30+ years ago people didn’t have quite the same absolutist notions of finding an “everything” in one other person.
I agree with most of what you said above, and because of that I actually didn’t believe in marriage. I would always say, “why make a promise? you can only go down from there. But if you don’t promise perfection for the rest of your life then all the good times are gravy, “you are only going UP from there.” Then I fell madly in love with someone I did want to mate with–and we did our Fierce Queer True Love Union (since gay marriage was an outrageous thought back then). I still do not advocate marriage for all, and… Read more »