Marriage To a Loner: Walking Down the Aisle Alone

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About D. A. Wolf

D. A. Wolf is a freelance writer, marketing consultant, and devotee of fine footwear & French lingerie. She admits to two sons in college and eight imaginary friends in Paris. When not saving the world one high heel at a time (or blogging at The Huffington Post), she can be found at Daily Plate of Crazy, reflecting on relationships, parenting, pop culture, and anything else that strikes her fancy. Find her on Facebook at MyDailyPlateOfCrazy or Twitter at Big Little Wolf.

Comments

  1. Thanks for putting this out there. I too am a loner and people just don’t get that about me always.

  2. I think some of us are loners and it seems so “normal” we don’t realize. But it isn’t always easy in a relationship… Thanks for reading and commenting, Chad.

  3. eric cartman says:

    Beautifully written

  4. everydayathena says:

    I would like to read the Psychology Today article mentioned above, but no link/citation is provided.

  5. I’m an extrovert, and I was married to a loner. In some ways it was good because he let me run our social lives, but over time it became very taxing. Your description of your ex may as well be a description of mine! I’m much more understanding of loners/introverts now (I always used to say, “Shy people confuse me. Speak up!”). In the long run, I think the loner in him what killed our relationship.

    • Marriage is really so much more complicated than we anticipate. I’ve known two loners who do well together, and a mix of loner-extrovert (for lack of other better term) that work well. Where I think it becomes problematic is when we don’t understand each others’ preferences and temperament, not to mention the impact it may have over the long run.

      I will add that someone pointed out to me that there is a difference between being a loner and being emotionally unavailable. It’s quite possible that I am one and not both, but that my ex was – at least with me – both, making a real connection virtually impossible.

      • That is true about the distinction between loner and emotionally unavailable. Sadly, I think my ex was both. He loved me as best as he could, but it wasn’t enough.

    • Extroverts don’t understand introverts but it seems that its always the introvert that “needs to change” or ruins things When in reality it goes both ways. America has painted this illusion that the extrovert is the ideal. In reality I think a balance is what’s most healthy. Allow an introvert their space so they can freely give when with people and sometimes extroverts need to chill and not be so extra. Not all introverts are “shy” when quit and not all extroverts are “people-persons” just because they talk a lot There’s pros and cons to both but we tend to elevate the extrovert more.

  6. Great piece – and to your point about the extrovert/introvert quote — people inherently misunderstood extroverts and introverts. It’s not that introverts are less sociable, or that extroverts are more bubbly. It’s where you get your energy. Introverts can entertain crowds with the best of them, but are exhausted afterward because they get energy from being alone. Extroverts can write and read and be by themselves (as I am), but are often tired at the end of a quiet day.

  7. Eloquence at it’s best. While nowhere near divorced (I assume), I can relate to the points. Growing up as an only child definitely played a part in me being most comfortable when alone. It’s hard to explain to a spouse that grew up in a full house, that I don’t need to always be around people, as she seems too. It’s equally tough to fill the roles of “head, protector, and provider” when these roles are counterintuitive to one’s personality.

    Finding a balance is a consistent struggle, and probably always will be.

    • Ah, @Darrk Gable, you open up yet another fascinating topic – the extent to which any of us can fill the roles expected in marriage given our personalities, our temperament, our capacity to evolve and compromise essential parts of ourselves. How little we know of the dynamics and complexity of maintaining a family unit when we actually marry. That balance and struggle comes in many variations.

      I wish you luck with yours, and understand the dilemma.

      • I’m late to the party, but wanted to say I loved your article. Your final comment about the extent to which we can fill the roles expected especially resonates with me.

        When I discuss the need to understand a partner’s basic needs, I don’t always give proper respect to the limitations of the person trying to step up. Knowing yourself first and choosing to step outside your comfort zone for the sake of another is not natural for anyone. It must be acknowledged, desired, and then practiced!

        Thanks for the thoughts!

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