A divorced woman joins her partner to attend a party of surprisingly welcoming married couples. The experience gets her thinking about social expectations.
I can’t recall the last time I attended a gathering like the dinner party I attended this past weekend. The conversation hummed along, buoyed by the fact that most of the attendees were teachers, and they could talk about anything.
The hosts were gracious and sociable, the food was delicious, and the setting straddled elegance and informality—in my book, the perfect combination.
But most important? The selection of interesting people who mixed well and enjoyed each others’ company. That was the best part of the evening—the crackle and buzz of conversation that never skipped a beat.
All in all, it was one of the finest “date nights” I’ve had in a long time, with every necessary ingredient in place. But what struck me the next day was how long ago I had been in a room full of married couples. And felt welcome.
I knew no one at this dinner party other than the gentleman who brought me, a good man I’ve been dating long enough that we’re perceived by others as a duo.
Though he refers to me as his “girlfriend,” I still struggle with the term “boyfriend.” That isn’t a reflection of our relationship, but rather my hyper-sensitivity when it comes to language. The words seem silly to me when you’re dating at 40-something or 50-something or older.
Must Love Lead to Marriage?
Love?
That’s a word I reserve for use when appropriate. I’m comfortable with it these days and grateful for that.
Commitment?
The deeper one’s feelings of friendship, respect, trust, and attraction—and when those feelings are reciprocated—the more natural it is to be committed, with or without sharing a residence or signing a piece of paper.
Yet despite the number of us who are divorced (or widowed, for that matter), our culture still seeks to pair us off legally, with marriage as the ultimate destination.
But why must we marry?
Marriage, Remarriage, Expectations
I admit that I’m one of those people who tends toward “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
I’m also a woman who has experienced a bitter divorce and years of nightmarish aftermath.
I wasn’t motivated by marriage as a goal in my twenties or thirties, and I’m not motivated by marriage now. I will say, however, that when I married, I expected it would be for life.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been involved in a serious relationship since divorce, but it is the best relationship I’ve been in since… well, I don’t know when. And it is also the first time I feel the pressure—subtle and not so subtle—of the expectations of others and what they perceive as next logical steps.
But I won’t lie: the thought of marriage scares me. Or maybe it’s the thought of divorce. In either case, I don’t understand how men and women remarry so easily or so often. Personally, I think I might prefer the French system of PACS (civil unions), or even Mr. Big’s description of “you have your place, I have mine” – as the ideal living arrangement.
A Good Relationship is a Gift
There are practical advantages to marriage in this country (of course), and I won’t say I never thought about remarriage. I did, but that was when my boys were younger and I was hoping to give them more of a traditional home life.
Those days are gone. My nest is empty.
And I wonder, as I always have, why people jump to marry quickly in the first place, and just as quickly in the second place, or third…
A good relationship is a gift. It isn’t one I take lightly. And never say never, right?
For now, I’m content as things are and I’ll leave it at that. I have no need of next logical steps, but it was a remarkable experience to enjoy myself in a room full of long-married couples—a world that was vaguely familiar and oddly comforting.
This article orginally appeared on Daily Plate of Crazy.
Photo by Neil Conway.
I choose not to be limiting in my thought. I dated a single mom who had a rough 4 year divorce and hated her ex-husband. She said she would never get married again. I was unwilling to think that way. My mom has been with her boyfriend/partner for two decades and I want her to get married simply for the legal protections it provides for both of them. Her boyfriend won’t marry her and won’t tell her how. My current girlfriend is already talking about getting married because of what happened to her and her mom when long term relationships… Read more »
@Jimmy, Quite right about the legal protections, which remains one of the reasons to consider marriage. But I empathize with your girlfriend. The more time and trust between you – in my opinion – the less frightening the thought of a second marriage will be.
I’m not sure I’ll ever remarry but I have experienced the questioning and even assumptions that there must be something wrong with me for remaining single some 10 years after my divorce. Marriage seems to be expected and I have fought to overcome the stereotype that a good woman should be a married one–my Southern upbringing and age contributed to that.
I think a good thing, whatever you call it, is good. Not matter how little or much it is formalized enjoy it. Why do people need others to fit their notions to be deemed good or acceptable? Human nature is probably the reason, with a dash of cultural beliefs. While I don’t think I will marry again, I know I am the marrying kind, for good or bad. Perhaps my work out friend who is 84 has the kernel of wisdom on the subject. I am just over half his age and I have had a few mothers try to… Read more »
I hear you so much. I am only 3 years out of my divorce and people are already trying to convince me I want to do it again. While I certainly don’t judge people who choose to remarry, with the divorce rate only getting higher with subsequent marriages the fact that people try to convince/encourage me to do it again boggles me. If there was a 60-70% chance of me getting mauled by tigers, I doubt my peers would be encouraging me adopt one as a pet. And yet, with those odds of divorce, my peers think I’m “bitter” “frigid”… Read more »
@Jessica – Love your analogy. I wonder if it’s the nature of the first marriage that makes some of us consider remarriage dangerous territory, or the divorce we’ve lived through, and what follows…
@jessica the people you speak of are confused at best. marriage is just not for everyone
I hear you, @Madge. You married so young, I can only imagine that the freedom was especially wonderful to rediscover. @Ellen, I agree that finding a relationship in “midlife” is a real gift (part of why I don’t want to spoil it). I do think we need to reconfigure our ideas of marriage, however. With the divorce rates the way they are, and the impacts on children, not to mention our individual and collective health ($$$$ and opportunity cost, from a societal perspective), we really ought to carefully examine the institution of marriage – not to mention the pressures and… Read more »
Congrats on finding a great relationship and living life to the fullest at this moment! It doesn’t matter what other people think you “should” do; as we are sometimes painful aware, we are all old enough – and experienced enough at this point – to know what we want, and perhaps what we don’t want. And if we don’t know, we’re still learning! That’s what’s wonderful about this age!
I have been divorced since I was 39 and now at 64, I am no more close to ever remarrying as I was the day I got divorced. I own my home, I can paint it anyway I like, I can buy what I love and no one has a say. I can wake when I want and dash to a movie on a moments notice. I love my life and truly can’t see sharing it in a living situation. I have had many lovers in the last 24 years and none have moved me closer to marriage. I hang… Read more »