What you do in the kitchen might have an effect on what you get in the bedroom.
Want to know my favourite sex toy? My wooden spoon. I use it to cook lamb stir-fry, sweet potato soup and Mediterranean vegetable frittata. Another bedroom aid? The duster, broom or nappy wipes.
No, this isn’t some quirky fetish. US research suggests that ‘go-getter’ couples who share more housework have more sex. As Barbara Pocock from the Centre for Work and Life at the University of South Australia put it: “The best sex aid a man could use was a vacuum cleaner.”
You can imagine the dream scenario: as I approach 35, my life is part Voltaire, part Viagra. When I’m not cooking three dinners, wiping snot out of my daughter’s eyes, or impaling my foot on Lego starships, my wife and I are enjoying tender hours of lovemaking.
I jest, but the ‘Mentally Sexy Dad’ is a real phenomenon. The brainchild of blogger Clint Greagen at Reservoir Dad, the competition celebrates men who’re committed to a more balanced family life. It’s a reminder: men who clean, cook, and parent are hot stuff.
How does this work? Most obviously, if a woman’s less tired, she’s more interested in sleeping with her husband than just plain sleeping. By scrubbing, cooking, and nappy-changing, husbands offer their wives a chance to conserve their energy for whatever’s important to them. Sometimes this ‘whatever’ is their sexy husbands.
More importantly, they’re offering their wives commitment: demonstrating their dedication to shared life. There’s nothing sexy about fishing poo out of a child’s skin folds. There’s nothing arousing about midnight milk feeds. But these labours reveal love, in a tangible way.
Obviously 12-hour days can also demonstrate this: all spouses make sacrifices for their family’s well-being. But this can lead to a distance in the relationship: a divide between minds, born of two separate days, roles and expectations. After a day of mucus, tantrums and crap, the routines of the office can seem remote. Similarly, it can be hard to identify with the grocery choices and Barbie band-aids when you’ve been smashing your head up against the deadline wall. Typical gender roles are efficient, but not always effective in the long run.
This is the logic behind Reservoir Dad’s competition. In an irreverent way, Clint is trying to highlight the attractiveness of alternative masculine domesticity.
Of course this involves a little beefcake: bulging guns or tight bums in little undies. But this is only the most obvious allure. More than anything else, these are men who refuse to be bound by traditional gender roles. They can be tough, brawny, and probably boozy—but they also wash, cook, clean, and kid-wrangle.
In this, the competition (also running in the United States) is a celebration of today’s real new age man: not stereotypically emasculated or wimpy, but caring, careful, and committed. It’s not a denial of what most men in Western societies do. It’s an expansion of it: showing how their energy and perseverance can be broadened and enriched, how they can be bigger men, not in waistline, but in spirit. They’re ‘mentally sexy’ because they’ve given their responsibilities and ideals thought, and demonstrated will, intelligence and foresight. It’s an allure of the soul, not just the biceps.
This is valuable in itself, as a celebration of the human enterprise—everyday people, freely shaping their lives. It is healthy for children, who get to see their parents as equals—in responsibility, if not in every little chore. It is good for parents, who perhaps understand one another a little better.
But it is also a matter of sex appeal. There is the tendency to make domesticity into something perfectly dull and uninspiring—and often it is, let’s face it. Yet the choice to take up this mantle without public reward or remuneration deserves recognition.
This needn’t be formal. It might be the warm kiss of a wife in love with a man wearing pink washing-up gloves, with his daughter’s snot on his shoulder. Maybe it’s a kiss, and then more, after the kids’ dinner and books. It’s not porn for women—its erotica for couples, whose rhythms and duties are in sync (and in sink). It’s not ‘chores for sex’—it’s a re-evaluation of what ‘sexy’ means.
Ultimately one competition won’t change the habits of generations, particularly as many are happy with traditional arrangements. And this isn’t a means-end decision: more housework equals more nookie equals happiness. It’s simply about relearning what a real man looks like.
But enough talk. Time to wipe the snot off my shoulder, wash my hands, and grab my wooden spoon.
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Originally posted at abc.net.au
—Photo neil alejandro/Flickr
I didn’t read the author as saying it was an exchange of housework for sex. I can see how it could be interpreted that way, because that was a little unclear, and some men and women might take it that way. What I thought he was saying was that many women find it sexy when a man does housework. Many do, many don’t. Perhaps if we came at it from the perspective of “here’s something that might help put your wife in the mood, if you’re not doing it already.” That’s a big IF – IF you’re not doing it… Read more »
Once again, if someone is entrenched in their point of view they tend to stay there. You miss your own thinly veiled insults and lack of mutual respect–which is why I responded in kind. If we were in a bar it would come off as brotherly sarcasm and calling each other’s BS, but online it seems like a pissing contest. Sorry, if you miss your own way of how you consistently condescend with each of your comments and continually place yourself on this mystical high-horse–I completely understand how you would be confused when someone tends to respond in a less… Read more »
@ Joe From your last post to me: “Intimacy isn’t simple” I would tend to believe that most things aren’t simple with you, but that’s just my best guess. No Joe, that was your attempt at a thinly veiled personal insult. Was that simple enough? I think the ‘rug’ is symbolic and I wonder if you agree with that point. I think we all would want someone to help us with our symbolic rug or burden. Perhaps my vision of a relationship is different than yours but mine revolves around a concept of mutual respect and teamwork. Of course, the… Read more »
The sex-as-reward-for-housework is a totally simplistic take on the comp and Damon Young’s argument. As a partner and mother, I can say that what kills off women’s libido is feeling unsupported and under-appreciated around the home. And the old ‘tired after work’ is no excuse. I work the same hours as my partner — and I don’t get to come home and sit around on the couch. When you have kids, the work doesn’t stop until they’re asleep and you’ve dealt with the mayhem left in their wake! It’s true that for women sex is not a simple equation. But… Read more »
I think the problem with all this is that the basic assumption is that men don’t work as much as women,and that men taking up more household chores would somehow bring balance to the equation (as well as improving their sex lives, I suppose). But the fact is that on average men already do work every bit as much as women. So, at least statistically speaking, the average man in this country taking on additional duties in the home won’t result in some sort of idyllic “sharing” of responsibilities, but it will result in carrying more weight than his partner.… Read more »
Thanks for the link, and for taking the time to clarify (here and above). My assumption is not that men don’t work as much as women, but that sharing work is better for intimacy. And by intimacy, I don’t mean sex (although this might be a consequence). I mean being ‘in sync’, as I put it in the column. This can’t be reduced to simply vacuuming a rug. It’s all kinds of household labour, which women traditionally do, including cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, school jobs. More families and marriages could benefit from more sharing of these tasks. This might involve less… Read more »
Thank you for that. I think my point with the link is that some work cannot be shared. In my younger days I worked in logging camps. Hell of a job, that one. The woman I lived with at that time sometimes (but not often) complained that I didn’t help her enough around the house, but the fact was that we were childless and I supported her. I also worked 10-12 hours a day at a job that cost some guys a hand, sometimes more. Even in my early 20’s I came home exhausted and beat up from work. I… Read more »
Yes, I agree. Part of our shared life is negotiating (and being aware of what the other’s struggling with). Asking a knackered spouse to do more, without looking at the basic circumstances (e.g. financial, psychological, professional), is no way to share a life well. This is partly why we’ve changed our working/domestic arrangements. But, of course, not everyone can do this (or do it healthily).
No use getting upset about it. This concept comes from some modern truths about relationships and yes its origins do have a dose of tongue in cheek. But it’s evolved to be a great way to celebrate men who are aware of their families needs and don’t get caught up in gender assignment of roles or the men versus women crap. It also in no way suggests that women don’t have an equal role to play in maintaining passion in a relationship and contributing to the psychological health of both partners – so let’s put that to bed right now… Read more »
I relate to this completely. I am half of a working couple who shares everything that needs to be done in the home including cleaning and cooking. But also as a man I do all the heavy lifting, roof climbing, car repairing, etc. So, when she fetches my beer or doesn’t talk too much during the ball game it kinda turns me on. It even makes me want to treat her to some sex in exchange for doing and being exactly what I want. Now, if she took an interest in cars, that would be even better. Maybe an impact… Read more »
I don’t want to get into the ‘sex as a reward’ discussion again. That said, men who do housework turn me on.
Glad to hear it, Jeni. But, as I said above, this isn’t ‘sex as reward’. It’s a discussion of intimacy, and a re-evaluation of what’s attractive in a man.
I agree. It isn’t about ‘sex as a reward’ for me. It’s about the sexiness of a man standing over the sink and washing the dishes from dinner.
What I like about it is that it shows me (and this is probably a reflection of my upbringing) a man who can and does take care of himself. He does not need, expect, or want a woman to take care of him. For me, that’s hot!
Damon,
I agree with many of your points. However, you are talking about sex as a reward. You wrote “more housework equals more nookie equals happiness.” This is clearly advocating men do more housework to get more sex to be happier. Maybe you meant something else, but it is certainly what you wrote.
Glad you agree, Daddy Files. And if you check my sentence, I was saying the opposite. “And this isn’t a means-end decision: more housework equals more nookie equals happiness. It’s simply about relearning what a real man looks like.” So, the phrase ‘more housework equals more nookie equals happiness’ is given as the example of what my ideal isn’t.
Sorry, made a typing mistake.
Wrong:
expect yourself to spend the next room alone in the bed room….
Correct:
expect yourself to spend the next night alone in the bed room….
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and let me add something, if we both are tired in our home and I want my wife to have a rest during weekend, we are going to a restaurant for lunch and dinner.
No need to cook something at home…
….. if a woman’s less tired, she’s more interested in sleeping with her husband than just plain sleeping. By scrubbing, cooking, and nappy-changing, husbands offer their wives a chance to conserve their energy for whatever’s important to them. —— And what about men? Are men not be allowed to be tired after coming home from work? And btw. the world’s best cooks are men. Check out hotels/restaurants worldwide. Cooking is not a typical job for women only. Same is true for other professions too, like tailor. And I agree with Daddy Files, sex between a couple living together should not… Read more »
I bought into this at first, until I realized it was not a good system. Sex should not be a reward for doing housework. I notice you advocate for men to do more around the house in order to get more sex. What about women? I dare you to tell women that by doing more housework they’ll be “rewarded” with sex. They’d lynch you. So if that’s insulting to women, why do you think it’s appropriate for men? We should all be doing our fair share. But let’s not discount the fact that “fair share” is different for every couple.… Read more »
Thanks, Daddy Files. I agree that ‘sex for chores’ is a bad idea. Which is why I write, in my column, “It’s not ‘chores for sex’—it’s a re-evaluation of what ‘sexy’ means.”
What you are writing about is chores for sex. Pinning another label on it doesn’t change that. “Sexy” is biological programming. It is not subject to re-evaluation by you or anyone else. For women, it is men who have power. Personal power, professional power, financial, sexual, whatever. That power comes in different forms but is evidenced by self confidence and some measure of success. A man won’t start to look sexy if he is standing over a stove stirring a pot of soup. He may be appreciated, but it WILL NOT give him sexual appeal to the average woman, unless… Read more »
Thanks, Justa Man. The ‘sexiness in wrenches’ idea’s a good one. I think I nodded to the general idea – i.e. women taking up ‘men’s jobs’ – in a column somewhere. My wife certainly does her share of hammering, drilling, and the like.
As for power, I can’t see any evidence that doing washing up or cooking undermines my confidence or success. It seems a small and fragile manhood that’s scared of ‘women’s work’. But I might be biased. Perhaps you can point to some scientific studies demonstrating the necessary link between household chores and decreased power in men?
Hello, Let me explain it more clearly, as I think you missed my point. I didn’t say that doing housework was disempowering for men. Nowhere close. I don’t think it is either empowering or disempowing. It’s just a chore, one of many in life. What I said was that doing housework did not make them more sexually attractive to most women, and I generally concurred with the implication of soft prostitution as implied by the other poster. Personally, I would never be interested in a woman who tried to condition me with sex into any sort of performance, an attitude… Read more »
Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Seriously, it doesn’t seem like a reward based system or some kind of male bashing ‘SNAG culture’ bias. From just doing some cursory reading here in the thread and the post it’s pretty obvious that being ‘Mentally Sexy’ has less to do with some kind of feminist agenda than just being a decent human being and having attention to detail. The way I read it is that in a relationship it shouldn’t be me-first, it should be we-first. Maybe this is a totally new take on relationships and it is blowing your mind.… Read more »
“Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” LOL. Not so much. First, and with all due respect, I’d submit that cursory reading leads to incomplete analysis. Sort of like reducing the challenge of prolonged attraction to scrubbing the toilet. If you can find anything in my post that indicated anything but a “we” first attitude in relationships, please point it out. Indeed, that is exactly the point. And what seems to be blowing your mind is the notion of actually doing it, as opposed to the lip service paid to the idea in the OP. Articles that focus only on… Read more »
I can sense that you are one of those open minded sorts. Not one that gets entrenched in his own point of view and stays there sort of guy ;). I am with you on the point that the use of a mop will not enhance intimacy, well at least on the basis of this conversation. Also, I don’t think we are discussing enhancing intimacy, rather intimacy in general. But I do think we at least must share the same belief that a couple who is on the same page and ‘there’ for one another stand a much better shot… Read more »
Oh, I see you have made some headway. Very good to see that you acknowledge that intimacy and mutual support won’t be made or broken based on whether one person forgot to vacuum “their side” of the rug. And yes, my mind is quite open. I just have this pesky habit of not changing it based on hyperbole. But I do disagree with you on one thing. Intimacy isn’t simple. It’s quite complex, and can’t even be productively discussed without some degree of emotional maturity and insight. With all respect to the good Doctor, he never came close to that… Read more »
“Intimacy isn’t simple”
I would tend to believe that most things aren’t simple with you, but that’s just my best guess. 😀
I think the ‘rug’ is symbolic and I wonder if you agree with that point. I think we all would want someone to help us with our symbolic rug or burden. Perhaps my vision of a relationship is different than yours but mine revolves around a concept of mutual respect and teamwork.
Wow a wrench. It’s really refreshing to see a husband (or man if you’re not married) to still know how to fix things around the house that would require a wrench. Most men Just pay someone else to do it. But not you!