Cis dudes! I would like to have a discussion with you about condoms.* Namely, when having sex, you have to wear them, unless you are in a monogamous relationship in which both partners have been tested for STIs (and remember that many STIs have an incubation period of up to six months).
Okay, that’s really not news to anyone; they cover it in even the most bullshit comprehensive sex education classes (although not in my high-school abstinence-only classes, about which I can tell hilarious stories). And yet many men do not wear them, or only wear them sometimes; some people estimate that condom use is half of what it needs to be to protect I recently came across this document (thank you Scarleteen, from whom I stole the link) talking about the opinions of condom users on condoms. Although it was all interesting, what struck me particularly is that in the US (and, one assumes, other developed countries) the most common negative reactions to condoms are the following: reduces sensation, requires being careful to avoid breakage, requires withdrawing quickly, embarrassing to buy, difficult to put on, often comes off during sex, embarrassing to discard, shows you think partner has AIDS, and makes partner think you have AIDS.
Guys? Stupid reasons.
First of all, if your condoms are regularly breaking, hard to put on, or coming off during sex, you are possibly not using them properly. An excellent guide to proper condom use is here. You might also want to experiment with different brands and sizes of condoms to see if one works better for you than another. Also, make sure that your partner is properly lubricated; well-lubricated sex is not only more enjoyable for you and your partner but less likely to result in condom breakage.
Sensation! Yes, some people report that sex with a condom feels less good than sex without a condom. However, what feels even less good is antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. Also, trying a different brand of condom can help with that one too. In particular, a thinner condom not only feels better for a lot of people but also causes less friction and is less likely to break. Win/win situation here.
The embarrassment issue I am less than inclined to be sympathetic about, because I have a uterus, and therefore I have had to spend the last eight years buying tampons and pads. Things that are embarrassing: telling your dad you have to stop by the drug store to buy more tampons; opening your bag and the giant-size maxi-pad that can absorb the bloodflow of a small human comes tumbling out; forgetting to throw out the bathroom garbage before your crush comes over and the entire can is full of used pads. Things that are not embarrassing: “hey, guys, I am making this purchase of a condom because I’m about to get laid!” So, you know, count your damn blessings.
Also, seriously, every embarrassing thing gets less embarrassing once you do it a couple times, and if you’re that concerned about the damn trash can just wrap it in a bit of toilet paper.
Finally, the last one is the single stupidest thing I have had the displeasure of reading on this blog, including Bill Bennett’s drivel yesterday. Saying that wearing a condom means that you think your partner has AIDS is like saying that putting on a seatbelt means you think that your friend is a terrible driver. They’re not insults, they’re basic safety precautions. Not to mention that AIDS is a disease, not some kind of scarlet letter of slutdom; it shouldn’t be any more stigmatized to have AIDS than it is to have cancer. You wouldn’t refuse to wear sunscreen because that would mean you’d be one of those dirty awful people that gets skin cancer, right?
*Trans people, you can get some helpful safer sex education here! Cis women, did you know you can cut a condom in half to make a dental dam? There. Now all audiences have been addressed.
About ozyfrantz
ozy, I agree with everything in this post … except the first reason. The “sensation” thing is not a stupid reason to be averse to condoms. (I’m not saying that people shouldn’t use condoms; I’m just pointing out that ‘reduced sensation’ is an understandable — not ‘stupid’ — reason they would be reluctant to do so.)
A big problem here has to do specifically with the U.S. and its appalling ‘circumcisory’ ways, depriving men of a large portion of the nerve cells of their genitalia. (I’ve seen claims that up to half the total nerve cells are lost.)
This column over at CommonHealth is a good supplement to your post here. The journalist talks about older men in particular being affected by the ‘reduced sensation’ thing, and he mentions an important alternative that you neglected: the female condom.
I’ve been with several men, both cut and uncut. I can guarantee you that every single one of them could feel enough through that condom to have an orgasm.
Plus, they make ultrathins. Except for the bulky “ridge” on the base of the penis from that condom, it feels like nothing at all–apparently for both partners, to judge by the fellows’ comments.
I’ve known several men who couldn’t, including with ultrathins. Human diversity ‘yo
Yes, but he’s making a blanket statement implying that circumcision ALWAYS interferes with a man’s ability to orgasm. Generalizations are bad.
He said that it always results in desensitisation, which it does. Anyway, answering one generalisation with another hardly solves the problem
You know there are quite a few women who prefer sex without a condom, too.
Yes, yet another lecture from the non penis-having set about how we, the penis havers, should stop complaining about wearing condoms. Speaking as a penis-having person, for me, the discomfort and reduction in sensation I get from wearing one makes sex with a condom on barely worth the effort.
Go ahead and call me an asshole now. I can take it.
Dude, seriously, try ultrathins. They’re condoms that feel like no-condoms. And the price isn’t all that different from regular condoms.
As mentioned above, you’re making assumptions about other people’s biology. It might make more sense to admit that condoms just don’t work for some people.
When someone says, with no further elaboration, “I don’t want to use condoms because I can’t feel anything,” how on earth does that imply that he’s experimented with different brands, thicknesses, and sizes and come to an evidence-based conclusion?
If he means, “I’ve tried various kinds of condoms and none of them worked for me,” then he can bloody well say that.
Again, you’re assuming that ultrathins will work for him like they do for some other guy. Give him the benefit of the doubt, thing condoms aren’t a one size fits all solution, condoms just don’t work for some people
*thin condoms
Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth trying if he hasn’t already.
True, but it might make more sense to put them forward as a suggestion, like:
“Have you tried ultrathin condoms? I’ve heard they’ve worked for some people,”
rather than a command with a few assumptions tacked on:
“Dude, seriously, try ultrathins. They’re condoms that feel like no-condoms. And the price isn’t all that different from regular condoms.”
Then you can look forward to having less sex. Sorry.
Or he can look forward to less of having to endure something he doesn’t enjoy.
Less than what? The amount of sex he is having under those conditions might be just the amount he desires.
While it may seem obvious that condoms should be mandatory, the fact that they’re so often absent should be a sign that something is wrong with our cultural incentive structure. Health initiatives only work when the individual thinks they can gain more by complying, and that’s true surprisingly rarely. We are predisposed to avoid immediate inconvenience and to take chances with our health. Your doctor wants you to take a pill to control your blood pressure? Well, you seem to be healthy enough, and the side-effects are rough, and the bottle’s in the other room. You can always take it when you start feeling symptoms, right?
I know these patterns – in fact, my diploma says that I’m an expert in them! – and yet I fall into them time and again. I get into bed only to remember that I haven’t taken my medication and then don’t get up to administer it because it’s a gel and it would have to dry and I’m already behind on sleep and it can wait until the morning. I put off getting annual STI tests because I’m afraid of the results (even though I’m not at risk for any of them).
Lecturing does not help one bit. Changing the incentives structure does. If condoms that allowed for more pleasure were manufactured then you’d solve a large part of the problem right there in a way you never could with scolding.
You mean like Trojan Ultrathin and BareSkin latex condoms (and SUPRA non-latex condoms), Kimono Microthin latex and latex-free condoms, LifeStyles SKYN latex-free condoms, et al.?
All of those are thinner than a standard latex and provide the same STD protection without nearly as much loss of sensation. As a woman, I can tell because penises have texture and if I can feel more when the condoms are thinner, so can the dude wearing them.
There’s also increased sensation from sheepskin condoms, but those don’t protect against STD’s; they only prevent pregnancy, and not as reliably as regular condoms, so they’re for monogamous couples only. Also, they make both partners’ bits smell all sheepy, which means oral sex afterwards….probably isn’t happening.
I am well-aware of the different types of condoms. Why ultra-thin ones haven’t solved the problem I couldn’t say, though I would imagine it’s some combination of these factors: fear of increased breakage; lack of readily available specialty types, like flavored or different sizes; sensation still isn’t up to snuff; and increased expense.
Again, I really couldn’t say, because I can only use one specific type of condom, and at that point sensation doesn’t even matter.
All I’m saying is, the industry IS trying, if only because people with your problem represent an untapped source of income to them.
I sincerely hope that advances in materials technology can solve your sensitivity problem, because a life without partner-related orgasms, while one is still sexually active, just seems completely wrong to me and I wouldn’t wish that particular combination on anyone.
Just a couple of points:
“As a woman, I can tell because penises have texture and if I can feel more when the condoms are thinner, so can the dude wearing them.”
Again, sorry, but your experience doesn’t apply to everyone. I know quite a few guys who loose it when the condom goes on, even with ultrathins.
“because a life without partner-related orgasms, while one is still sexually active, just seems completely wrong to me and I wouldn’t wish that particular combination on anyone.”
You make it sound like a death sentence XD. There’s plenty of safe fun you can have that results in many orgasms and doesn’t need condoms. Try it sometime, get creative
“As a woman, I can tell because penises have texture and if I can feel more when the condoms are thinner, so can the dude wearing them.”
Umm, that is silly at best. The condom stays pretty against the same part of his skin and nerves, whilst it glides against the tissue of your vagina, so whilst you feel the passing friction differently between condom sizes it doesn’t necessarily mean he will feel it better as well. It would insulate the nerves which could sense touch, warmth, wetness, etc for his penis even with a thin condom. If you want to know the difference as best you can then get a condom, hold it in a way that it remains stationary in relation to your vagina and use your finger to slide over it. Then compare that with the condom on your finger, allowing it to slide over same area. But remember this also, how you sense touch, etc through a vagina can be quite different to how a male senses it through a penis, quite frankly it’s impossible to know 100% the feeling of both a penis and a vagina for nearly all people. You have one, or the other.
True. But his reaction was also very, very noticeable.
That may be, but it isn’t universal. I’ve tried SKYN’s and the difference is quite small, better, but nothing even remotely close to no condom.
I hope the women asking men to wear condoms, are willing to wear female condoms at times too?
I would if I had any fucking clue where to get them. Male condoms are in every supermarket, drug store, and even big-box stores like Target and K-Mart. (Saying the W-store’s name 3 times makes one appear on your street corner. Trufax.) Female condoms are found in….honestly, I’ve never seen one ever. I’ve only ever seen them mentioned in sex-positivity and gender-issues blogs, and on a poster in the OB/GYN showing all forms of birth control that currently exist.
You can purchase them online for prices comparable to exterior condoms if you shop around.
Over here you can get them in pharmacies.
Every Rite Aid I’ve been in has them… generally bottom shelf under the male condoms.
The embarrassment issue I am less than inclined to be sympathetic about, because I have a uterus, and therefore I have had to spend the last eight years buying tampons and pads. Things that are embarrassing: telling your dad you have to stop by the drug store to buy more tampons; opening your bag and the giant-size maxi-pad that can absorb the bloodflow of a small human comes tumbling out; forgetting to throw out the bathroom garbage before your crush comes over and the entire can is full of used pads. Things that are not embarrassing: “hey, guys, I am making this purchase of a condom because I’m about to get laid!” So, you know, count your damn blessings.
That simple eh?
People with female reproductive systems have it worse so we should be thankful we have make reproductive systems and just get over embarrassment. Well at least you started off saying you had less sympathy on this part.
Well – if you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to get over the embarrassment of buying condoms. Really.
Get over? Sure but that’s not what was said. It was declared to not be embarrassing in the first compared to the usual “women have it worse” bit. Well female reproductive system has it worse.
Whatever – it’s a non-issue. “I’m too embarassed to buy condoms” simply does not hold up. Not if you’re beyond childhood.
Well it’s a good thing I didn’t say that it was a valid reason to not buy condoms. Personally I think a guy’s reproductive rights and protection from STDs/STIs is enough to override the embarrassment. But again it wasn’t said that guys need to get over it, it was said that it’s not embarrassing in the first place because female reproductive system.
Which is interesting considering that Ozy just got through saying that the fact that the X’s face something doesn’t prove that the Y’s don’t (http://goodmenproject.com/noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz/on-the-definition-of-oppression/). I guess it does work one way and female problems actually do disprove male problems.
Again I agree with guys getting over it, I just have a problem with telling guys that there is no embarrassment in the first place because women have it worse.
Yeah,sure. I’m completely bored with the “X have it harder then Y” line of argument. There’s way to much finger pointing going on as it is.
Buy the condoms, already, and move on.
I hardly ever have penetrative (or any other kind of) sex, but when I’ve had, I’ve always used a condom. Never once has a condom broken. The level of quality control of the rather expensive brand name condoms is very high, and whenever the “failure rate” of 5% or 15% or whatever of condoms comes up in a discussion, I point out that 1) firstly, it’s measured as “unwanted pregnancies per year per couple” and 2) the largest failure mode BY FAR is the failure to use a condom. Yes, this is included in the statistics, as are the similar failure modes of other methods of pregnancy prevention. This makes sense on a policy level, but on an individual level the story is different.
I don’t currently use condoms because I’m in a long term monogamous relationship with my girlfriend who is infertile due to a genetic condition, but this is rather a niche situation. If I had piv intercourse with someone else I’d use a condom.
I lost my virginity with a condom on. I think it’s possible that for a lot of men, having sex for the first time and the related performance stress means that many did not use a condom; it’s just one more thing that can deflate your erection. As a way around this, I’d suggest making poshies (masturbating with a condom on) more common to raise familiarity with condom use.
Poll for abstinence-only folks: were any of you actually told where babies come from? Not pre-natal development, but “how does the sperm get into the woman in the first place?” sort of things?
Because my school just sort of assumed that we all knew what the word “sex” meant (and that it only meant PIV sex, not other sex acts as well). The only reason I even know why periods exist is because of outside reading.
As for condoms….Embarrassing? Requires being ultra-careful? Makes your partner think you have AIDS? The only stupid reason I was aware of not to use condoms (other than the sensitivity one, which can be circumvented by using different condoms) was the Catholic one. See, in high school CCD, Catholics teach their kids that condom use is a direct affront to God by perverting the natural and obvious connection between sex and babies, and between sex and physical intimacy (because clearly the only “intimacy” there is in sex is the direct contact between genitals, and no other parts of your body touch whatsoever, nor is there any emotional component to sex). Gotta love it when celibate-for-life males think they understand topics they cannot possibly have experience of.
“Things that are not embarrassing: ‘hey, guys, I am making this purchase of a condom because I’m about to get laid!’ So, you know, count your damn blessings.”
Because everybody who should use condoms lives in a relatively sex-positive environment. I mean, men have it better than women in that regard, but still, not everyone lives in the same cultural environment as you do.
Same with the AIDS shouldn’t be stigmatized thing. No, it shouldn’t. And using condoms shouldn’t be embarrassing. But wishing doesn’t make it so.
I mean, they’re not good reasons to avoid condoms. What’s worse than being thought to have AIDS? Actually having AIDS. But dismissing them isn’t going to help.
I knew a woman who worked in a pharmacy, she said that when young guys came in looking to quietly buy condoms she’d deliberately call over the old granny clerks just to see their faces go red. It’d be nice to live in a world where noone is embarassed about sex and contraception, but sadly we don’t, and other people’s discomfort shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand.
Here’s a thing.
I want to wear a condom every time I penetrate. In principle. I want to be sensible, responsible and mutually safe, of course I do. But in the heat of the moment, having them in my wallet or the back pocket of jeans that are now out of arm’s reach is roughly the same as not having them at all. If I have to stop kissing the girl who’s sitting on my lap, get out from under her, go to the other side of the room, tear open the silver foil and make sure I’m not holding the tube inside out (let alone footle around with bottles of lube), I can pretty much guarantee that the impressive and urgent boner I had fifteen seconds earlier will be at half mast or less by the time I return my attention to it. Whether i can get it back up then to put the condom on over the top depends as much on my partner as me, and if she’s lying there patiently waiting for me resume the position – or worse, shouting “What’s taking you so long? Fucking fuck me already!” it’s just not going to happen. Which I suppose makes it a great method of contraception, admittedly…
I suppose what I need to do is carry them in a little pouch round my neck.
And only fuck girls who appreciate that men need stimulation too, but I can’t always afford to be that fussy.
It’s a shame the girls you sleep with are not willing to be the one to get out of bed, go to where the condom is and put it on you, then. It doesn’t HAVE to be the man who does that. I’m female and I have done it uncountable times.
My original response to this got moderated, so I’ll just say that yes it is a shame. But after five years of celibacy I made a conscious decision to have the sex I could get, rather than wishing for the unattainable, so them’s the breaks.
If you haven’t already tried this, invite the girl over to your place and keep them by your bed, and see if that helps. I’ve dated a fellow with trouble staying erect, and keeping condoms right by the bed helped us to take advantage of the moment before it was gone.
That’s all well and good for the sort of bar hookup you see in movies. What about the rest of the time?
(SCENE: Her Place. A hug has become a cuddle has become a snuggle has become foreplay. Some clothing has been removed.)
ME: You sure you want to do this?
HER: Oh yeah!
ME: Great. Let’s go to mine.
HER: What?
ME: It’s only 45 minutes away. Come on. Somebody on the internet suggested it would help me stay erect.
(CUT)
Again, the most reliable contraception is no sex. But I’m tired of that.
If a couple are having sex without a condom, or people are going out to nightclubs to score without them, why is this something that should be addressed to “cis men”?
Either partner can carry a condom, talk to their partner about using one and, heck, when it’s inside both of them are technically wearing it.
I have a really, really hard time feeling sympathy for guys that do nothing but bitch and complain about how horrible condoms are, because safe sex is the woman’s job.
My boyfriend-now-husband was like this the first few times we had sex before I went on the pill, and let me say he did a really good job of making me feel like crap because I wasn’t on the pill and that was seriously inconveniencing -him- and jeez condom sex just so isn’t as much as it -normally- is, hurry up and go get your Rx already for Christ’s sake so I can start actually having a good time.
And I did. But not for the reasons he wanted– my birth control regimen is more akin to someone with heart disease taking Bayer. (Endometriosis + cysts; the first time the two teamed up on me, I was so disoriented from the pain that I went to the ER because I actually thought I’d had a heart attack.) So I was very happy to have something that actually was a preventative measure against this shit (maxing out my dosage of percocet after the fact didn’t make the pain go away, just helped me ignore it), but then hey, what do you know, mood swings, night sweats, depression, and the kicker: sex drive completely gone. Boyfriend-now-husband was sad.
So I had to educate him. Ohhh did I educate him about exactly what I’d started taking for this condition, and what I -would- have otherwise taken to make him feel better during sex. And he was quite horrified, to be honest. Suddenly the pill wasn’t this magical cure-all that had no negative side-effects like all of his friends, both male and female, were all militantly led to believe their whole lives. A lie that he’d bought into for the decade he was sexually active before meeting me.
I really just hate how the entire discussion about condoms is framed with the assumtion that they’re the worst-case-scenario protection, and that there are a bunch of superior alternatives (alternatives that place the onus completely on the uterus’d). Of course they’re superior if you, as the sperm-maker, don’t have to lift a finger to maintian its integrity.
Sorry but… “loss of sensation” and “awkwardness” are piss-poor excuses for negative side-effects of condom use, compared to the side-effects of all the alternatives that sperm-makers like to celebrate so readily. Get over yourselves, really.
Have to agree with Ballgame. It’s true that condom use is really important, (and that not using them tends to place more of the burden of preventing unwanted pregnancy onto the woman’s shoulders in het, cis sex, which is BULLSHIT), but it’s also true that reduced sensation is important.
Personally, I don’t really enjoy sex with a condom… I enjoy pleasing my partner and feeling close to her, but speaking purely physically, I prefer no sex at all to sex with condoms. Would it be better for all involved if this were untrue? Yes! Times a million! But my body will not compromise on the matter, no matter how many brands we try, and that had to be honored, to keep our sex life as hot, vulnerable, and open as it is.
So, Ozy, with respect and admiration for your work and opinion, no way dude. Sex without pleasure is not a feminist value, nor is it just to be swept under the rug.
If you prefer not having sex to wearing condoms, you are perfectly welcome to avoid sex* until in a long-term monogamous relationship where both partners have been tested for STIs. That is, you know, an option.
*Well, technically, penetrative sex. You can have as many handjobs as you like without risk.
You’re actually free to do whatever you want. This person has no authority over you. It is kind of hilarious that they think they do.
Seriously, though – use condoms. You don’t have to, but you should. It’s the right thing to do, not only for your partners, but also for yourself. Ignore the bizarre antagonism. Ignore the mommy-ism. Ignore the apparent marriage/LTR axe to grind. Just do what’s right.
Use condoms, or have sex in a way which doesn’t endanger you and your partner.
Being cut very tightly, even intercourse without a condom is a waste of time. Only oral causes any pleasure at all for me. It’s a shame that my partner’s considerable talents don’t work on me as well as they could – I want to go insane from pleasure the way she does. But the male body, even intact, is designed to make sure the man is never really satisfied. He gets to come once, then it stops working. The only thing that helps is prostate stimulation, which is a difficult thing to ask for.
Ozy, this conversation was started and finished before you were born, so you may not be familiar with all of it. I will just quote a bit::
1. Male sensation matters. Period. (Maybe not to you, but that is neither here nor there, really. A woman only makes a fool of herself even opening her mouth to prescribe to any man on the matter. And you especially, who have come out in favor of allowing MGM under special pleading circumstances, ar ealready on thin ice on this particular point. See comments above.)
2. Condom use is a joint decision between the sex partners, and it is none of anyone else’s business how committed and monogamous they are, or if they are committed and monogamous for someone else’s taste.
3. Use a condom to protect yourself. This is not only about protecting your partner against you spreading HIV to them, but also about protecting yourslef from boring old syphilis, gonorrhea, pregnancy and so on. This applies obviouly more to straight sex, since a vagina is actually quite a bit richer in the flora likely to cause problems than an anus is.
4. Use a condom even if you both are positive. You may very well not have the same strain.
Huh? Condoms are something that both men and women can carry around and should take responsibility for if they consider it important. I mean, I realize that the condom goes on the guy, not the gal, but seriously. They’re cheap, they’re single-use, they’re easy to carry around, they’re widely available, they don’t require a prescription, and they are applied just before intercourse. So unless we’re talking about guys who are so large or so small that standard sized condoms don’t work, both partners can carry them around and make sure they’re used. And both men and women can refuse unprotected sex if they don’t want to have it.
And also, since when are men the only ones who don’t want to use condoms? In most of my sexually active relationships, it’s been my partner that has broached the desire to have intercourse without condoms (one of whom, in particular, I had to be very firm with and who kept trying to convince me over and over). Some women don’t like condoms either (for various reasons), and they need this same freakin’ lecture. Plenty of irresponsible women out there too.
Here’s an alternative way to frame the issue, Ozy: Sexual partners should use the protective methods that they agree on based on their own negotiation of their needs for safety, sensation, reproductive control or whatever they want, and they should not let their choices be dictated by outside sources, including, I’m sorry to say, bloggers.
So, a true story about insensitivity toward lack of male sensation.
My daughter’s graduation from Unitarian sex/relationship ed classes (“Our Whole Lives” program). Intergenerational relay races on the expansive lawn of the big while colonial church. You have to grab a banana, run to the other end of the lawn where the condoms and lube are located, put lube on the banana, then roll the condom down over the banana, then put more lube on the outside of the condom, then run back and put the covered banana in the galvanized bucket held by the instructor, an elderly woman.
One of the moms really want to win her leg of the relay, so she ignores the instruction about lubing the banana before rolling over the condom and just lubes the outside of the condom. When she gets back to the instructor, the instructor tells her to do the relay leg over because she didn’t do it all. The mom asks why lube up the banana first, that’s not how she’s ever done it. Instructor looks at her and quietly asks: “Do you think the man might like to feel movement too?”
Lots of knowing looks between the dads. Lots of “Hunh. Never Thought About That Before” looks among the moms.
True story.
Wait, doesn’t lubing the inside pretty much guarantee it falls off? Since that’s like putting it inside out, and you mentioned movement.
It probably depends on the shape of the man’s penis, and the..er…vigor involved in the movements. Plus, the fact that the woman is more or less clamped down on the man like a wet squishy vice probably helps a little too.
> clamped down on the man like a wet squishy vice
So it *is* possible to overdo Kegel exercises…
@Bev,
No, it doesn’t. Same reason female condoms work.
But nice to know you could give a shit about the experience for your male partner.
Condoms are a necessary evil unfortunately, but the sensation you get wearing them is crap, not to mention stunted, dry and frictionless. Nothing can match the warmth, wetness, friction and psychological high you get from barrier-less skin to skin contact between penis and vagina. The feedback from the penis to the rest of the male body is disproportionately large. It’s not just a case of only our penis feeling it. Our whole body feels it. The psychological and physical experience created by the intimate nature of this act cannot be replicated by any barrier method.
Condoms should be used, however, when necessary to protect both parties. As the saying goes, condoms are about safe sex, not great sex.