(Hey, times are a bit lean over at Ozy Frantz’s Nerd House of Doom (I got semi-cut-off by my parents for being poly, woooo), so if you appreciate NSWATM I would be very much obliged if you’d tip your blogger. Thanks!)
TW for Jezebel recommending rape as a seduction technique.
Today, in Jezebel is THE ABSOLUTE WORST at feminism news:
I am totally and 100% down with sticking fingers up dudes’ butts, if that’s what gets you and them off. I have, in fact, written a post about how male-receptive anal sex is the coolest fucking thing ever. I am Fingers-In-Buttholes-Positive, is my point.
But there is exactly one circumstance in which sticking your finger up a dude’s butt is an okay life decision. It is when you are like “hey, dude, I want to stick my finger up your butt” and he responds with “indeed, ma’am, I would like a finger in my rectal region, if you would be so kind.” Well, okay, it is also fine as a response to “I would like you to stick your finger up my butt” or after a heartfelt conversation about his limits and concerns in which you were very careful to be respectful of his boundaries and he finally agrees to try it, but also to revoke his consent whenever he feels uncomfortable.
But you will notice what all those things have in common, namely, WORDS.
Jezebel’s advice, however, is completely unrelated to words.
In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
First of all, “temporary retardation” is extremely ableist. Cut that shit out or I will sneak in your house at midnight and cover the entire floor with Legos.
Second, if you have a plan for sexytimes with someone, and the plan includes the phrase “their guard is down” at any point and does not include the word “safeword,” you seriously need to reconsider the plan. Good consent means only having sex with someone that they’d consent to even when they are completely and 100% rational. If they’re okay with a finger up their ass when they’re getting a blowjob and not okay with it the rest of the time, you should not put a finger up their ass. This is not rocket surgery.
Third, even if you are a rapey douchebag who doesn’t care about good consent, you do not want to stick your fingers up someone’s ass without asking first. There is poo there. Do you want a finger covered in poo? No? Then don’t be a douchebag.
I mean, there are two options here. The most charitable interpretation of the answer to the letter is that you think your partner will be Not Okay with fingers up the ass when he’s not getting a blowjob or when he’s asked about it, but he will be okay once he experiences it. Maybe he’s afraid liking things in his ass makes him gay. In that case, you should ask him why, to make sure the answer is actually “I think it will make me gay” rather than, say, “I already tried it and I hate it” or “I am a survivor of anal rape and anything near my ass sends me into a panic attack.” I mean. Just saying.
But the problem is that the other thing that might end up happening that your partner doesn’t like it, but doesn’t really know what to say about it, and just kind of freezes up and doesn’t really object, or does some negative body language, and then you’ve just fucking raped your partner. Are you okay with that risk? You better not be okay with that fucking risk. Rapists do not get to read my fucking blog.
The Jezebel columnist moves on to inform us that we should “never give up” (RAPIST RAPIST YOU ARE A RAPIST) and say that we should not give up hope if the dude we’re with flinches as soon as we put anything near his ass. Um. If you are going with the telepathy method of finding out whether someone wants to have a finger in their ass, you should really pay attention to any negative body language they’re having and stop. In the telepathy method that’s the equivalent of “no, fuck you, no, I don’t want to.” Instead, we’re told to wait, do something fancy with the blowjob to distract him, and rub around the outside of the butthole again. That’s definitely not a technique that will ever lead anyone to think “I don’t want it, but it doesn’t look like they’re going to give up, so I might as well not protest.”
Ugh. Jezebel needs to fuck off.
About ozyfrantz
Jezebel does more to hurt feminism than even the worst MRA’s could dream of. That site is fucking terrible, especially considering the articles it has like the one you said or the one where they were pretty blase? and damn near supporting domestic violence towards men. Terrible place.
I’m inclined to say “Meh,” and leave it at that. So I will…
Thank you! As an avid, feminist-rant reader, Jezebel is often on my read-list, though with a good salt shaker on hand. I did not have enough grains of salt with which to take this. Glad it’s been addressed, at least somewhere on the web!
On the plus side, at least the commenters to the Jezebel article are pretty annoyed at the “advice” and are asking for the writer to no longer publish on the site.
Jezebel still runs articles by Hugo Schwyzer and, much worse, they never redacted the “What if…” article about Penn State’s rape case. I can’t read the damn site anymore.
I have read the offending Jezebel article – and It is almost comical.
The content is bizzare in it’s attitude, and if the sexes were reversed there would be a massive outcry of sexism, abusive attitudes objectification and cyber lynchings!
It’s not just the the rapey vibe that Karley Sciortino manages to exceed – it’s the whole control the other person via sex that gets well into control and abuse territory. Wait until mid BJ and ask for money and access to his car?
Maybe Karley Sciortino needs a dictionary to look up Stereotype ? Once that has been grasped, it may be possible to graduate from Gender Stereotype 101 …. but somehow I doubt it would be possible. P^)
Could be worse. Could be another “Mad Men” recap.
Oh god. Why does Jezebel have to perpetuate the ‘romance of silence’ in the guise of feminism? Does this writer approve of talking in the bedroom when it’s a man asking for something new from a woman, but thinks it doesn’t count when a woman wants to do something to a man because men are always consenting to everything? Or does she secretly write for Cosmo all round? :S
I agree with everything Ozy says. I would not even recommend so much as touching or stroking somebody’s anus without asking first, let alone doing that with any wrongheaded ideas of working up to something without having to open your mouth and talk about it first. A boyfriend started touching my anus during foreplay once and I hated it. I’m very germphobic and did not like the idea that his fingers would probably touch my vulva right afterwards which could cause infection. There could be all kinds of reasons why someone wouldn’t like it. And if you did happen to touch someone’s anus without asking, and they flinch away, STOP. I can’t believe this article actually says to just carry one when that happens.
I’m sorry about your family troubles, Ozy.
I agree. What no one has mentioned yet is the possibility that the man you’re with could actually be a survivor of anal rape or anal sexual assault, in which case touching his anus without his consent could be goddam triggering for him. the advice just gets worse the more I think about it….
Sorry, I see Ozy did actually mention this. Never mind.
Or is a survivor, still likes anal play, but has some basic safety concerns that must be discussed first due to scar tissue and tearing.
Even in a situation where it’s a welcome thing, jesus fuck. Basic safety and hygiene, people.
I just don’t get the kinds of people who write articles like this in the first place. It seems to me that they think the only possible positions on anal are “no one should do sexy things with their butts!” and “everybody should do sexy things with their butts!”
I greatly prefer a world in which people who like buttsex have it safely, and people who don’t..you know, don’t.
Word. +1
I find this article pretty consistant with the type of content on Jezebel in general and their attitude toward men.
Indeed. The message of Jezebel is that “rape is ok when women do it.” Remember the “sleepytime sex” article?
Oh, gods, what the bloody ever loving flying hells?
How the fuck could anyone ever consider this sound advice? It is pretty much “If you want to do something with your (cis male) partner, distract him with something shiny/sexy while attempting it. If he /freaks the fuck out/, try, try again!”
Bad consent is not consent.
I’m also disturbed by be of the other answers, in which virgin-shaming is justified because “the guy’s probably a troll.”
“In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary retardation, which means their guard is down.)”
Time for the goose/gander test again:
Imagine if I said that cunnilingus makes women retarded. That would rightly be taken as a misogynistic comment as well as an able-ist comment. And, I don’t believe it anyway. So, this fellatio comment fails the test.
Whether it’s misandrist or not, this is just patently bad advice. It is the equivalent of a man suggesting to another man, “women love it when you just spontaneously spank them and pull their hair during sex. Do it when their guard is down.” A terrible idea at least 99% of the time, strictly from a practical standpoint.
“Good consent means only having sex with someone that they’d consent to even when they are completely and 100% rational. If they’re okay with a finger up their ass when they’re getting a blowjob and not okay with it the rest of the time, you should not put a finger up their ass. This is not rocket surgery.”
Yes yes yes! Finally, somebody calls Jezebel out on this. The original article got really bad really fast.
Seriously?
“Hey, it’s a good idea to ask for stuff while giving someone a blowjob.” This advice is primarily useful for fictional characters in erotic literature. Otherwise it just plain kinda makes you a horrible person. People do get their minds clouded during sex. That is why that is a terrible terrible time for such things. Unless you are evil. In which case, it is a wonderful. But if you do it, you’re evil.
Also, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the ‘ha ha stupid virgin’ sort of thing in there. Seriously? Someone is clearly nervous and upset about something, and they come to youf or help… And sure, if you don’t have a penis, then you can really only go so far in it.
But instead of politely saying you can’t help, it’s just “Ha. Google it.”
Jeez, that’s about on par with Cosmo-level anti-consent, rape-culture-ey “advice”. Sigh.
Also, re: your note at the top – thank you for linking to your tip jar! I’ve been meaning to give some moneys to my favorite blogs/bloggers recently anyways, as I am actually employed currently, and as I read NSWATM on my RSS feed usually, I keep forgetting to go looking for it. Also, parents cutting you off for being poly is both ridiculous and sadly common – I have not been cut off by mine yet, perhaps because they don’t know about the poly. Or the kinky. So.
Anyways, this is all to say that I’ve been reading NSWATM for ages and even though I’m a horrible lurker who lurks, I greatly appreciate your snarkyness and ability to be both completely eloquent and devastatingly accurate in analysis and also dripping with contempt.
Tumblr isn’t working for me (Internet is terrible in the bush). Can I Paypal my donation?
That’s cool that Jezebel gave him a column with a pseudonym, Sandusky’s had a rough year.
Hm, let me get this straight. From Jezebel’s perspective…
1). Guys think slower when aroused
2). It’s okay to take advantage of slow-thinking people
I believe enough of you have mentioned the goose-gander test with this one, so I’ll deal with item number two on the above list:
[sarcasm]Since Jezebel thinks it’s okay to do so, how about we go con special needs kids into giving us their lunch money?[/sarcasm]
I always think Jezebel is misandrist site . The way they view men and “knows” how we think is ridiculous.