How Deep Into Debt Did Your Wedding Take You?

“All this nonsense is burning a huge whole in our bank accounts. Do you think it’s too late to escape the insane shenanigans and elope?”

That is what I thought when I read the photographer’s caption to the above Unsplash cover image —

Groom whispers to his bride (location: 6th of October City, Egypt)

While I’ll admit to bringing sarcastic humor to the subject, it really is no laughing matter for folks who insist on going into debt for what many call a once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

And though I certainly am not one of these, I know some people who have done just that. It’s madness, really.

Let’s get right into it.

Splurge For Strangers

Nearly 15 years ago, I worked with a sweet young lady from Queens whose family is Indo-Guyanese. From her I learned about the extended wedding ceremonies lasting between 3–6 days.

She also told me about how the wedding ceremony itself could have up to 500 guests!

Though I wouldn’t consider her rich, her family and her fiance’s family weren’t struggling with money woes. She talked about how in her culture, when someone gets married, the bride’s family is expected to invite everyone and their grandmother (these last are my words, not her expression).

This means immediate family, extended relatives, neighbors, your teachers, your post delivery person, your hairstylist, and on.

And this brings me to 3 weeks ago, as well as to this past Sunday, a conversation with one of my ESL learners.

He’s Turkish — a culture I am very acquainted with as I was married to a Türk. I also have Turkish friends and am still in contact with my former Turkish in-laws, such beautiful people!

The ESL learner shared his excitement over the wedding he and his fiancée (also Turkish) are planning.

Of course, I’m very happy for them. The part that is disheartening is they seem to be going about the pre-marital let’s-go-into-debt shenanigans.

When he told me they were inviting 700 people to their wedding, my mouth dropped. I said, “You can’t be serious. There’s no way you both even know 700 people!”

He assured me they were inviting nearly everyone they’d ever met throughout their entire lives.

The Magic of Henna Night

More than once Mr. ESL guy has complained to me about the Turkish economy and rising costs. He says he’s got a good job, thought it’s clear that neither he nor his bride-to-be are filthy rich.

When he told me about the traditional Kına Gecesi (Henna Night) his fiancée had planned, I almost feel off my chair. She had invited 1,000 guests!

Yes, you read that right: one thousand, as in three zeros.

For those unfamiliar, in traditional Turkish culture, the womxn often host a kına gecesi (pronounced KUH NAH / GEH JEH SEE) where a day or two before the wedding, everyone gathers either at the bride’s home or a rented venue.

For the occasion, the bride [generally] dresses in a red, heavily embroidered velvet gown called a bindallı and a red veil over her face.

The festivities include [typically] unmarried friends and femme relatives circle the bride holding candles, singing folk songs that symbolize her bittersweet departure from her family.

During the ceremony, henna is placed in the bride’s palm — often with a gold coin pressed inside — before her hand is closed and wrapped.

That part about the “gold coin” is typical in Turkish celebrations as it is the most common form of gift-giving.

Maui on Our Minds

When Özgür and I were planning our nuptials, we knew that going into debt was a non-option. Our tight budget meant we’d skip the huge bash and go smaller.

We preferred an intimate gathering of those closest to us.

As for the expenses, my recollection from back in Feb 2009, tells me it looked a lot like this.

Wedding bands: $240
Floral bouquet: $110
Invitations: $40 (home-made & printed)
Marriage license: $35
My salmon-colored dress: $39 (Marshall’s special)
His attire: $42

To the above, we added our lunch celebration at a mid-scale restaurant of $840. We celebrated our wedding with 10 guests: friends and family. These were folks who were in regularly our lives, with whom we’d broken bread on numerous occasions.

So, what did we choose to splurge on?

We took a splendid 12-day trip, split between San Francisco and Maui. And while it cost nearly $5,000, it was money we had specifically set aside in our bank accounts for the event.

Rather than expect others to give us a bunch of cash, we gifted ourselves a beautiful luna de miel. We semi-splurged on ourselves for the honeymoon we wanted.

No Gift? You Best Not Show Up!

I remember the excitement of nearly two decades ago, when my younger brother was getting married. He and his wife-to-be racked up nearly $60,000 in debt to have a lavish 200-guest wedding.

She had six bridesmaids (of which I was one) and he, six groomsmen. The bride got the flowing “princess” gown she wanted. My brother had dropped another $10K for her one-carat ring.

As for the church, the flowers adorned the benches.

They had the white limo. And for the venue, the tables were adorned with — yes, you guessed it, more flowers.

The menu consisted of vegetarian and meat eater options. Champagne filled our glasses — not to mention there was also all kinds of liquor for guests.

Their marriage lasted one year.

But while all of the above is part of my memory, what stands out most is a comment my younger brother made months before his big day.

One night, during a family conversation about his wedding plans, he said something that told me what I already knew about him, yet wasn’t ready to admit back then.

People better not show up at the wedding without a gift. Because if they do, I’m gonna say something!

I recall tellling him how disappointed I was in him. And “how could you even think of saying something like that?” I told him it sounded like all he was interested in was the money, not the genuine sentiment of people sharing in the celebrations of this new part of his life.

And while I didn’t say all of this to the ESL learner, part of me feels like this is exactly what they are also doing.

By inviting an insane number of people to your wedding, are you just looking to “cash-in”?

Survey Says Save Your Money

Over the years, I’d heard this same piece of marital advice about ensuring you talk openly and often about the money situation. I’d read that it could make or break a couple.

This January 2015 PBS article, Spending Less on Your Wedding Could Save your Marriage, talks on some of the detrimental impacts of my post’s topic.

According to a 2014 study conducted by Emory University economics professors Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon —

Across income levels, the more you dish out on the big day the shorter your marriage will be.
Guys, dropping $2,000 to $4,000 on an engagement ring means you’re 1.3 times more likely to get divorced compared with the more frugal fellows who only allocate $500 to $2,000.
For all genders, spending more than $20,000 on the wedding ups the odds of divorce by 3.5 times compared with couples who keep it between $5,000 and $10,000
For the best odds, though, keep the festivities to less than $1,000.

The Fairytale

I’m not gonna lie, there were days when I wished I had the beautiful cream-colored gown to have worn for my big day. Of course, I still didn’t want all the ridiculously lavish spending behind a big wedding.

Though, I eventually came to terms with how we chose to celebrate according to our very modest means.

And even though our marriage lasted only five years, I have zero regrets about what we chose to spend our money on.

Even if we had had the budget, I’m still not sure I would’ve wanted a big, fancy wedding. It just seems like such a waste for a fairytale that perpetuates consumerism.

And we all know that real life is no fairytale, so why pretend by splurging on one day?

Jajom for reading.

Lola, artistically known as La Revolution, is a freelance journalist, spoken word poet, polyglot tutor and cultural guardian who freedom writes from the coastal jewel of Loíza.

She acknowledges the First Peoples of Borinquen, on whose lands her work is created. Her craft uplifts her Indigenous Taino and African heritages.